810 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) i write to make sense of my life. there are things in life i refuse to acknowledge their existence. yes. i'm naive like that. ----- the story... His name is B. and this song is for him: Littlething by Jimmy Eat World i wouldn't call it fate, the way B and i met each other. it wasn't anything about him that i attracted to. he just looked familiar like i've met him somewhere before. i was happy, bubbly...and in denial of my own pain and anger from my previous relationship. after just one afternoon hanging out with him. that was it--to determine my fate. the 3rd person in my life i started to fall in love with. he felt it too. the way he was nervous when he was around me. the beat that my heart skipped when i saw him walked through the door the next day. we talked much... that afternoon. just the two of us. walking and talking. laughing and sharing stories. it wasn't planned. i didn't feel anything for him before that day. it was just a friendly meeting for some event planning. but i knew i was falling for him like a rock making its way down to the bottom on my way home that day. i didn't know what dating was. it was a foreign concept to me and it still is. i'm used to free flow of conversations. i'm used to being myself and being natural. i'm used to being me. i was scared. hurt. fear. all threw in at once. i liked him. i really did. i knew he did like me too. he was making his moves but was afraid because of our differences. our backgrounds. our cultures. he asked me to call him if i wanted to go places. that weekend, i did. i rang. though my heart raced faster than the racing car in action. that day, he planned everything. an hour in, i realized that he and i were at two different places: he thought we were on a date and i thought I was outing with a guy friend. my heart melted. it melted when i saw him blushed. i couldn't bring myself up to tell him that i've been to white-tablecloth restaurants before. i couldn't tell him that though i've never been to this restaurant before, i didn't think it was like those my ex and i went to. i didn't have a heart to tell him some of my ex's nights out with me, bills would go up to half a grand each. i didn't have a heart to tell him when he made an assumption that i'd never been to one before. i didn't want to break the guy's heart. i didn't want hurt his ego. i knew he did well too but i didn't want to publicly compare. that was the first mistake i made with him: concealing my thoughts. i was afraid to hurt him and his ego. and i continued to do so through out our times together. so i went through this thing. we met times afterward. just chilling and hanging out. i felt comfortable with him but i wasn't clear on what i was thinking, feeling and doing. i knew and felt that i was falling for him him and yet, i felt like i'm going through my own break up. it hurt bad. it felt like he would hurt me someday if i'm with him. my heart had this aching and tightness wrapping around it. at the same time, i was high on dopamine. i liked him too much. too fast. i was confused. i didn't know what it was. it was like pain and happiness co-existed. i didn't know what to do. but i knew, in my heart, apart from the pain, i was falling for him. so i caught myself from falling. the constant struggle within. denying my own pain and happiness. not telling him how i felt about him was my second mistake. my third mistake? i didn't fight for B. Edited January 19, 2011 by 810 littlething by jimmy eat world
Author 810 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 His name is D. whenever i hear the song At Last by Etta James I think of him. Four things I learned while in this relationship 1) Trust your intuition from the beginning 2) Don't let others influence your decisions. 3) Sometimes, losing a friend is better than being in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. 4) Love isn't All and All isn't Love.
Author 810 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 my third mistake? i didn't fight for B. reality hit. it wasn't the falling in love feeling. his importance was overinflated by the extraneous factors. Because of other situations I was in, I focus on what can trigger the increase in dopamine in my brain at the moment: him. I questioned his respect for others and his integrity before that day but the stubbornness of ignoring the sign of incompatibility kicks in always. sure there was chemistry and attraction. but as i sit and contemplate on what was going during that time...i realize i was a coward with him...like i was with D. the fear of losing a friend seems to outweigh the importance of the relationship--twice already. males are not checklists but there are things one shouldn't over look. the traits and habits are hard to change. look for those. weight the options and choose. subconsciously, I chose. i didn't fight for B because I was fighting for me.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 u no talking to yrself is a sign of madness, right...? U need to shift yr focus. Stop the pondering wondering hyperanalizing and just stop driving yrself crazy chick!
Author 810 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 u no talking to yrself is a sign of madness, right...? U need to shift yr focus. Stop the pondering wondering hyperanalizing and just stop driving yrself crazy chick! i'm doing what others are doing on here. it's called coping. i'm writing out that i think. it's called outlet.
Author 810 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 i'ven't paid attention it. it took less than 10 minutes of typing out what i was thinking and feeling and then that was it...i haven't thought about it again at all.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, so its like a virtual journal. bit of a personal expos-eh. Right.
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