sirweasles Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My W is very open with me most of the time. She tells me about most things and bs's with me occasonally. The hard part is that she seems to do more when she is at work. I have noticed a drastic change on the days after she has spent time with her parents mostly her dad in the form of distance. She seems to withdraw and give short cold answers then within a few days she starts talking more open again. She gets to the point of which you would think we were not seperated and tells me more than you would tell even a good friend. She however has not brought anything up about our relationship at all and I am lost as to where we stand. This has started to ware on me alot lately and is making it harder for me to stay possative. heck this last week was a tough week for me I found out my dad had cancer im still waiting on the results on weather or not my wife has cancer I almost lost my finger do to an accident at work which left me on paper filing and unable to use my tools(major bummer I love turning wrenches its part of my frustration release). I am so confused and just want to begin to understand. My wife is one of the most honest people ive ever met and I believe she is not with an OM very strongly. If so it will come out and ill deal with that then. What im asking i guess is if anybody has any advice on how i can find out where my relationship stands without being pushy or causing anymore distance. I am not a patient person but im sure trying like hell to be.
michaelhopes Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Dude, what you need to do is what you don't want to do....... Go on with your life as if she never existed as your wife. Not saying be mean, resentful etc...... Create your own world.... Don't try to adapt to hers.... Once you make a woman the center of your universe you're screwed.... You need a major mind shift
BlindRage Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Once you make a woman the center of your universe you're screwed.... Quoted for truth
Author sirweasles Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 honestly you are correct however I am unable to let go so easily. fortunatly for me I have this site to rant on so im not throwing this stuff at my wife. I do take all the advice i get here and i truely appreciate everybodys opinnions thanks.
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 ill deal with that then. What im asking i guess is if anybody has any advice on how i can find out where my relationship stands without being pushy or causing anymore distance. I am not a patient person but im sure trying like hell to be. Yep, STFU.... Leave her be, let her initiate all the relationship talk. I begged my wife to go to MC at the beginning to work on us. Then I gave up trying. Guess what, 4 months later she asked if we could go to MC to work on our relationship. During that time I NEVER brought up any relationship talk...
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Dude, what you need to do is what you don't want to do....... Go on with your life as if she never existed as your wife. Not saying be mean, resentful etc...... Create your own world.... Don't try to adapt to hers.... Once you make a woman the center of your universe you're screwed.... You need a major mind shift Seriously good advice. Start enjoying your life, at first you have to fake it a bit but then you will start feeling a lot better.
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 she has spent time with her parents mostly her dad in the form of distance. She seems to withdraw and give short cold answers. Totally normal, you cannot possibly hope to read your wife's mind. My wife was up n down like a yoyo at the beginning of my situation. Just leave her the f*ck alone.
bugaha Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What im asking i guess is if anybody has any advice on how i can find out where my relationship stands without being pushy or causing anymore distance. We're both in the same boat. I'm as lost as you are, but unfortunately (at least for myself) this is the bed that I made. My situation gets even more confusing when she says nothing about our relationship, where we're going, etc. Leave her be. Let her figure out what she needs to figure out. Don't make an assumption that she knows, my wife has said straight up to me that she doesn't know what's going on. If I didn't love her, I'd be gone but since I do I'm going to let her do what she needs to do. Don't mess this up and push her farther away. Every time I try to bring my wife in, I push her away. If you don't suspect infidelity, let it go. There isn't a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking to myself that I wish she would give in and say that she wants to move forward with me, but I'm not about to push the issue anymore (been there done that). Work on yourself dude, don't come off desperate to her.
Author sirweasles Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I have been doing all that. I just feel hopeless I find myself 700 miles away from anybody I know and have spent the last 2 years withdrawing from people so now that part of getting back to where i need to be is to get back out and be around people i find that i have no idea what im doing. In the situation with my wife I have pushed the relationship issue and found that it wasnt a good plan. It sucks not knowing though and I just wish there was away of getting an answer from her with out her knowing im trying you know kinda give her the idea that she wanted to tell me somthing. I worry alot with the distance that she is slowly moving on becouse she never sees me. I believe that im going through phases right now where things are pretty good and then i hit times like now where they arnt so good. I have learned from past mistakes and taken advice given in LS and have not in anyway let onto my wife when times get tough for me I just continue to fake it.
michaelhopes Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Private message Sent...... Top right corner..... Edited January 20, 2011 by michaelhopes
You Go Girl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 sirweasles, I must say from your previous posts that I have read that you are a good big hearted guy, even if you don't form paragraphs and sentences! ha Anyway, your wife uses you as a sounding board for her emotions. She seems to grow distant when she gets that need met elsewhere. Then, when she hasn't 'vented' to anybody else that day, she uses you for that purpose. Now what you make of that is up to you. But it would seem that she really isn't thinking at a higher plane of existance to simply use you this way. Now I haven't read your other thread, but on the needing to vent stuff, I'm probably right on the mark. She's unfocused, without clear goals, and mindlessly trudging along.
Author sirweasles Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 thank you guys for the outlooks and advice I will continue to keep my hopes up and keep tryin to stay upbeat. and no I dont have a grammer bone in my body.
Author sirweasles Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Well im back home with my girls and my wife wont hang out with me at all. I am tiered of staying at my parents house and want to go to my place and be with my wife. I dont understand whats going on I have no idea how to move on and I am sick of feeling like shi*. I just texted my wife telling her that I loved her very much and am sorry if i am being pushy and that i just didnt know how she felt about me I also told her i would wait until she was ready. I know from expirience that I will not hear from her for the rest of the night now. I guess I need advice on how to move on and on how to make friends with limited funds and very little time off from work. also if I pull my pay from her will it push her further away.
Steadfast Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I don't your know wife but as a student of human nature, I do have some thoughts for you to consider. Generally, when people are upset or lost the last thing they want is to be alone. When a pressured woman says "I want to be alone" that's womanese for "I want to be alone with someone else." Speaking personally, I enjoy my solitude when I'm feeling loved and secure. Using that as part of the balance that makes for a happy foundation, I can carry out chores and tasks with ease. How many happy loners do you know? I am not accusing your wife of having another man, but I am saying that she gets from you what she needs when she's not getting it somewhere else. In other words, exactly what 'You Go Girl" suggested. In my experience, her insight and advice is usually spot on. People do not wish to be away from who they love, unless they are mentally ill. In that case, they have larger issues than relationship problems. You've been told this before; find what you need to heal and survive from within, with help, guidance and support from friends, family or counseling. You must break the reliance you have with your wife. She clearly does not want the burden. Is this clear yet? Do this, or remain in limbo waiting for an answer that may never come. You may be surprised when moving away from dependence actually improves your relationship. At that point, after you've stepped back and analyzed it from some distance, you'll be able to make a better decision. Get right with this! It's the only way out.
You Go Girl Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Well im back home with my girls and my wife wont hang out with me at all. I am tiered of staying at my parents house and want to go to my place and be with my wife. I dont understand whats going on I have no idea how to move on and I am sick of feeling like shi*. I just texted my wife telling her that I loved her very much and am sorry if i am being pushy and that i just didnt know how she felt about me I also told her i would wait until she was ready. I know from expirience that I will not hear from her for the rest of the night now. I guess I need advice on how to move on and on how to make friends with limited funds and very little time off from work. also if I pull my pay from her will it push her further away. So move back home! It's your house too. Don't warn first either. Stop telling her that you love her. It's falling on deaf ears. Don't waste your love and breath this way. It's not pushy to want your partner to be present in the relationship. Make friends from work, for starters. There must be a person or two that you might have common interests with. Limited funds is a big deal for social events though, rather necessary is money. What's cheap? A book club? Bowling? I don't know what your interests are. Think about them and prioritize. Pulling the pay--well what's the situation there? Thanks Steadfast for your vote of confidence on my posts.
Author sirweasles Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 well i took a job 700 miles away becouse there was no jobs at home. I know my wife doesnt make enough to pay the bills. however I am not allowed to go home becouse she is uncomfortable with it and somehow it is taking most of my paychecks to pay the bills. I know my wife is partying alot and is happy having money. I worry that becouse i havnt been able to provide for my family for so long that if i pull my pay it will cause a irreprable gap.
You Go Girl Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Pay the bills directly yourself. Don't give her partying money, come on, no more being a doormat! Does she work at all? How long were you out of work? Does she hold resentment because of it?
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