Proposal epic fail

[tmm628]

To make a long story short... Shorter anyway...

 

My now ex- and I met about a year ago. Initially things went really well, if a bit fast - we started talking about marriage really early on, and she'd picked out a ring after a couple of months. Then a couple of problems showed up - one mine, one hers - that were really hard for me to deal with. We struggled for a few months, then I decided we should take a break to let me figure things out (not a mutual breakup though, she was quite upset). We were apart for about 3.5 months but kept in email contact every couple of weeks.

 

Finally in early November I felt like I had dealt with my problem and could live with hers, so I reached out and met up with her. I told her I was ready to get engaged/married, and give her a 'real, tangible' commitment. We met 2 days later, and I proposed to her (without the ring - I didn't even know if she'd agree to meet with me or not) that day. She basically said 'we'll see how it goes' - so not 'yes', but not 'no' either. I emailed her during the week to thank her for giving me another chance and asked what she needed from me - she said just time & space. Next weekend I went to buy the ring, but they had to special order the one she wanted, so it'd take 2 weeks to deliver. Not a big deal, I thought. I got her a diamond necklace as a 'sorry for my mistakes' gift in the interim & gave it to her the next weekend. She was kind of dismissive of the necklace - just looked at it & put it away, but she did wear it afterwards. Two days later she emailed to say that my return had put her emotions in a mess and she needed some time to sort them out and get her studying back on track (she was studying for an exam the next month). So she took off to visit a friend in another city for two weeks with no contact - a very stressful time for me as I wasn't sure if she was going to come back to me or not, I just tried to keep busy & not think too much. I went to get the ring while she was away. I'd originally planned to propose the 1st week of December but since she took off I figured she needed some more time/space to figure things out, parked the idea for the moment.

 

Two weeks later she came back, said she felt better and wanted a family. I was really happy & told her I'd do whatever it took to make things work, but that I wouldn't push her and I'd let her do her studies. The next three weekends we went out for dinner & some Christmas shopping once - always a bit rushed, and never really seemed like a great moment for proposing. Things between us seemed ok although maybe a bit cool - she didn't really respond to my hugs or kisses much, and we didn't talk much during the week. I figured she was stressed & busy with the exam and still needed time/space, so I didn't push things, even though it was frustrating for me. The next week was Christmas, and she came up to visit my family - things went well, she got on great with everyone, the only warning flag being she didn't seem really comfortable sleeping with me (first time we'd slept together since the break). I thought about proposing over Christmas but everything I read suggested it wasn't a good time to do it (too much pressure to say yes), so I thought I'd do it the next week, maybe on New Year's Eve.

 

The next week was vacation for me so I'd been hoping to see her more, but she had booked various activities most days of the week, so in the end I only got to see her one afternoon. She declined to meet for NYE which was a downer for me, she'd made dinner plans with other friends. The one date we had was nice, we went to a museum & dinner; I actually took the ring with me that one day but again she didn't invite me up to her apartment or anything and I didn't really want to propose in the car park or in public, so the moment didn't seem quite right. I figured I'd do it next opportunity regardless, which would be Jan 1 or 2 I thought.

 

NYE everything started to fall apart. She emailed me saying she didn't understand why I hadn't given her the ring yet, and that she thought I'd changed my mind or was afraid. I was stunned - basically I hadn't proposed because I thought she wasn't ready for it. Anyway in a panic I emailed her back saying I wanted to marry her & be with her, and finally convinced her to come over. When she did, I proposed properly with the ring, but she said no, the timing was wrong, she'd lost her passion for me, and she wanted time for herself. We talked it through a bit and eventually agreed that I'd keep the ring for now and she'd give me a sign when she was ready. So not great but not a complete fiasco.

 

We saw each other 2 days later for a movie. After the movie, she told me she wanted to end the relationship - again, she said the timing was wrong, she'd lost her passion for me because I hadn't proposed to her in the last 2 months, she was tired of the relationship dragging too long, we didn't understand each other, if it was meant to be it'd be easier, and she needed time to pursue her freedom and happiness. Nothing I said would change her mind; and now she's gone.

 

I'm completely stunned & heartbroken. I invested a lot - emotionally & financially - in making things work, and had gone out of my way to give her the time & space she said she needed (despite considerable frustration for me), and in the end, she just walked away based on what seems like a maybe naive mistake by me. I guess I'm hoping that someone with some similar experience can help me understand what happened and why. How did we go from 'I doubt your commitment' on Friday, to seeing the commitment, to 'I'm leaving anyway' on Sunday? Would you base your decision to be or not to be with someone on when they gave you the ring - with no communicated deadline or indication that getting the ring was necessary for the relationship to continue (well, until it was too late)? Why would she tell me she needed time & space when she actually need to see the ring? Why not give me some encouragement or opportunity to propose instead of always being cool with me, making me think she needed more time & space? Is this really so unforgiveable that the relationship should end for this? Is there any point thinking she'll change her mind or should I just give it up as a lost cause?

 

I'm really hurt and looking for some honest answers.

[D78]

I think she didn't break up with you because of the ring, but because you had a 3.5 month break. That's a long time. She had to learn to live without you (even though you emailed once or twice a week). You said things were still tense between you when you reunited, so maybe she never got used to having you in her life again. Since the break wasn't mutual, she might not trust you to not take off again. These are just some ideas I had while reading your story.

 

Even if there's a chance she might come back, do you want her back? It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and isn't a very good communicator. For example, she asks you to show her the ring, then says no to the proposal. Weird.

 

The best way to feel better is to get over her. It works regardless of whether she comes back or not.

[Star Gazer]

I think she didn't break up with you because of the ring, but because you had a 3.5 month break. That's a long time. She had to learn to live without you (even though you emailed once or twice a week). You said things were still tense between you when you reunited, so maybe she never got used to having you in her life again. Since the break wasn't mutual, she might not trust you to not take off again.

 

I totally agree. I don't think the presence or absence of the ring had much to do with it. She'd already emotionally checked out by the time you proposed.

 

She may also feel that you were proposing to win her back, not because you actually wanted that kind of commitment.

[tmm628]

I think she didn't break up with you because of the ring, but because you had a 3.5 month break. That's a long time. She had to learn to live without you (even though you emailed once or twice a week). You said things were still tense between you when you reunited, so maybe she never got used to having you in her life again. Since the break wasn't mutual, she might not trust you to not take off again. These are just some ideas I had while reading your story.

 

Probably true, and some of the emails we exchanged after the breakup indicated she'd been very hurt by the original break, hadn't really forgiven me for it (even if she said she had) and was afraid I'd go again. To my defence, her personal problem wasn't an easy one to accept at all, and will be an obstacle to future romantic relationships for her, so I suppose I would have hoped for a little compassion and understanding in why it took so long. And emails she sent me while we were apart encouraged me to take as much time as I needed rather than rushing to get back together. When we were back together I tried to reassure her as much as possible that I wasn't going to go - I gave her keys to my place, a credit card, invited her to meet the family, lots of email encouragement, etc. - but I guess it wasn't enough to overcome her distrust.

 

I'm still not sure I quite understand why she agreed to try again in the first place if she really wasn't able to really get over the break - if there wasn't any hope, why make it more painful for both of us? Despite the tension, she did give some strong signals that she was ready to move on and get engaged - meeting my family at Christmas, using a credit card that I gave her, talking about being ready to start a family, etc. So I was pretty sure things would work out right up until the moment she dumped me.

 

Even if there's a chance she might come back, do you want her back? It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and isn't a very good communicator. For example, she asks you to show her the ring, then says no to the proposal. Weird.

 

I guess that's the crux of it. She wasn't really sure one way or the other for the 2 months, then one day finally decided, at that was it.

 

But the answer to your question ("do you want her back?") is an emphatic "yes" at the moment. I wouldn't have proposed to her if that wasn't the case... Very sad.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry for your situation dude. But really this was a bad relationship right fromt he start.

 

we started talking about marriage really early on, and she'd picked out a ring after a couple of months.

That is far too soon to be healthy. You barely know each other after a couple of months.

 

I was ready to get engaged/married, and give her a 'real, tangible' commitment. We met 2 days later, and I proposed to her (without the ring - I didn't even know if she'd agree to meet with me or not) that day.

WTF dude? You separated for 3.5 months and then the day you got back together, you proposed? That is totally nuts. Becoming engaged or married does not make someone love you, or stay with you.

 

Two weeks later she came back, said she felt better and wanted a family.

Man, you need to RUN AWAY from this woman. She is crazy. She doesn't know what she wants and you will get trapped by her indecisiveness. The last thing you want is to be married with a couple of kids and she suddenly decides she didn't want you after all. You will be paying child support and alimony for the rest of your life.

[tmm628]

She may also feel that you were proposing to win her back, not because you actually wanted that kind of commitment.

 

Could be, but why would I invest in a hugely expensive diamond engagement ring if I wasn't committed? It's not like I can take it back for a refund if I change my mind.

[tmm628]

You barely know each other after a couple of months.

 

Fair enough, and I think that was a contributing factor to the initial break - things went too fast, and I couldn't really seem to slow it down other than by stopping altogether for a while. What can I say, when you're in love (or think you are), anything seems possible. Both parties being in their late 30s was probably a contributing factor too.

 

WTF dude? You separated for 3.5 months and then the day you got back together, you proposed? That is totally nuts. Becoming engaged or married does not make someone love you, or stay with you.

 

True, but I spent the 3.5 months deciding whether she was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life (despite the problems), and came to the conclusion that she was. Unfortunately I guess she spent the 3.5 months deciding that she could live without me. History plays a part too: I put off proposing to an ex for so long that she gave up, and didn't want to repeat the same mistake - so I figured I'd go for it.

 

Man, you need to RUN AWAY from this woman. She is crazy. She doesn't know what she wants and you will get trapped by her indecisiveness. The last thing you want is to be married with a couple of kids and she suddenly decides she didn't want you after all. You will be paying child support and alimony for the rest of your life.

 

I hear you, but it's tough to be comforted by the thought that I avoided possible future problems when I'm in real present pain.

[2sunny]

let's see

she's unsure about you

she's scattered

she's demanding

she's controlling

she's unhappy

timing is always "off" for both of you

 

i ask - why is this even remotely appealing to YOU?

 

it shouldn't be...

 

 

she's done you a huge favor - accept this gift. you saved yourself a lifetime of misery.

[tmm628]

she's unsure about you

she's scattered

she's demanding

she's controlling

she's unhappy

timing is always "off" for both of you

 

i ask - why is this even remotely appealing to YOU?

 

The things you list aren't appealing; it's everything else about her that is. And she wasn't really any of those things before we tried to reconcile - maybe this is just a side of her I never saw before, maybe the split caused her to change, I don't know.

 

Interesting you mention timing - to my mind, there's way to much randomness in the universe to allow chance and random timing to run your life and determine your happiness. I think love should trump "fate" and "timing", but I seem to be in the minority opinion on that.

 

she's done you a huge favor - accept this gift. you saved yourself a lifetime of misery.

 

Maybe one day I'll be able to accept that.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[D78]

... I'm still not sure I quite understand why she agreed to try again in the first place if she really wasn't able to really get over the break - if there wasn't any hope, why make it more painful for both of us? Despite the tension, she did give some strong signals that she was ready to move on and get engaged - meeting my family at Christmas, using a credit card that I gave her, talking about being ready to start a family, etc. So I was pretty sure things would work out right up until the moment she dumped me.

 

I would guess she agreed to the break because she felt like she had no choice. She got back together with you after the break because she truly wanted it to work, and probably didn't know that it would be a problem. But, after some time together, she realized she wasn't having that same connection with you.

 

This is my totally biased guess based on my past experience. The personal issues (your issue and her issue) could make a big difference, but I understand your reluctance to spill everything on the forum.

 

Good luck