Laillyn Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Running into this site has helped me relax and breath. I have wanted to share my story with someone but due to privacy issues have been unable to speak to anyone about it. Here it goes.... I am in the 3rd year of a great marriage to a wonderful man. For the most part our relationship is great except the intimacy and sex. Due to this issue we decided that it would be fun and helpful if we had an open marriage and I went ahead and met or had a BF on the side. Due to this new change I became more aware of my surroundings and started flirting more with other men. I met a man who is also married and in the same situation. I met his wife and it turned out to be a great meeting. I really liked him and her and they wanted to "add" me to their sex life. I told my husband about it and he agreed. We spent another month just getting to know each other and then I spent a great weekend with the couple and had a fantastic intimate experience with both. She was very into me as well as him. After this great weekend I saw them one other time at a club and she basically stopped communicating with me but was ok with the arrangement. The MM however did not. He always said she knew we were seeing each other and that it was fine with her. 3 months go by and we see each other more and more and he starts going to great lengths to spend the night or lie about "working" so he can see me. He will spend money on hotel rooms and gifts that I keep telling him I do not want. The entire time I keep telling him that it is just a physical thing and he needs to maintain his marriage healthy even if it is an open marriage. He had always told me that his "turn on" was feelings not just physical and always wanted me to tell him "I love you" etc whenever we were together. Eventually the line between make believe and just physical got blurry and he fell to the point where he says he is no longer in love with her and wants to leave her. He keeps asking if I will leave my husband if he leaves her. I am so confused now that I dont know who I love anymore... Today he said he was going to initiate NC with me in order to give her a fair chance and to see if she can fulfill him on her own. He said that he will not call or text me. So today I realize that I do have feelings for him but I know that his wife does not want to lose him or my husband want to lose me. Neither if us is fulfilled or happy in our relationships but when we are together we feel whole. I want the impossible... I want to keep both relationships and everyone to be ok with it. I am more in control of my emotions than he is and I know I can follow through with the NC but we work in the same building and we will surely run into each other regularly. There's no way for either of us to work elsewhere and eventually he will have to spend some time working in the same immediate area as me. How can we go back now that all of this has happened? How do we stay "happy" with our spouses knowing what it feels like the have each other? We both joke that we have perfect marriages yet we cant seem to be satisfied...how selfish are we?
woinlove Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 It is unfortunate that your reaction to problems in your marriage was to introduce a third person. Open marriages typically require even greater sustained intimacy between spouses than is typical in a closed marriage. I think trying to solve some marital problem by opening the marriage is usually a step toward ending the marriage, even if it isn't recognized as that at the time. Now you have introduced a third person and you still have the original marital problems as well as new ones. In addition, the third person brought deception (lying about working) into what should be an open and honest marriage. Perhaps you should think hard about whether you want to stay married or not. You don't write anything that suggests you have a sustainable marriage so, if you want to stay married, something will have to change. Also, be honest with your H about all your feelings, so he can also decide what it is he wants for the future.
Author Laillyn Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for replying woinlove. I didnt think anyone would... The reason for adding the third person was debated over a long period of time. My H is a bit of a cuckold and it has always been his fetish to watch me with some one else. I for a long time said no to his request but after three years of very minimal or no sex I started to crumble. My alternative to his request was to get a D but he was set against that. I love my H, I have no doubt but I have a high sexual drive and he does not(I feel very guilty for this) and I am not satisfied with that. I never once even looked at anyone else until he kept insisting I can find a "bigger" more able man on the side. Regarding the "feelings" for the MOM... The affair lasted from Halloween to yesterday and the whole time I kept asking him and his W that it had to a PA only but once she stopped seeing me he wanted nothing but an EA and I was stupid thinking it was all just acting and to make it more fulfilling for him. I didn't think he would actually fall out of love with her and really grow feelings for me. I thought he could handle it. He left my place in tears the last night (2 nights ago) saying he had to give her a chance bc he was ready to get a D and it was all bc of our A... My H has been gone for a few months(work related) and is coming home today. The MOM is so broken up about it that he can't seem to handle it bc he knows I will be intimate with H again. Anyway, I feel that if we had met when we were both single that maybe we could have had a great relationship but reality is that we are both attached and probably not going to leave our spouses just bc we thought there was a spark elsewhere...what do you think?
woinlove Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for replying woinlove. I didnt think anyone would... The reason for adding the third person was debated over a long period of time. My H is a bit of a cuckold and it has always been his fetish to watch me with some one else. I for a long time said no to his request but after three years of very minimal or no sex I started to crumble. My alternative to his request was to get a D but he was set against that. I love my H, I have no doubt but I have a high sexual drive and he does not(I feel very guilty for this) and I am not satisfied with that. I never once even looked at anyone else until he kept insisting I can find a "bigger" more able man on the side. Regarding the "feelings" for the MOM... The affair lasted from Halloween to yesterday and the whole time I kept asking him and his W that it had to a PA only but once she stopped seeing me he wanted nothing but an EA and I was stupid thinking it was all just acting and to make it more fulfilling for him. I didn't think he would actually fall out of love with her and really grow feelings for me. I thought he could handle it. He left my place in tears the last night (2 nights ago) saying he had to give her a chance bc he was ready to get a D and it was all bc of our A... My H has been gone for a few months(work related) and is coming home today. The MOM is so broken up about it that he can't seem to handle it bc he knows I will be intimate with H again. Anyway, I feel that if we had met when we were both single that maybe we could have had a great relationship but reality is that we are both attached and probably not going to leave our spouses just bc we thought there was a spark elsewhere...what do you think? This particular forum is focussed on people in secret affairs. You might try the marriage forum for other responses, although you'll also get a lot of flak there for being in an open marriage. It sounds like the OM is not really in an open M in that he acts deceitful. That is cheating, even if he and his W have some agreement about other Rs. I am assuming they do not have an agreement to lie to each other. Is this really the type of man you might have wanted to share your life with if you weren't already married? As to what I think, I still don't see how your M is sustainable. I've been in an open M for 25 years, but we have always been very close, communicate all our feelings, and do not want to be married to anyone else. Other R's are not a threat to our M because neither of us want a threat and we are sure of that. If there are any feelings of concern from either of us, our M comes first. That's how we want it and it works for us. By contrast, you seem less sure and your OM seems either uncommitted to his M or lacking judgement about how to keep something he wants. Of course, in my case, we have shared decades, and children. A satisfying M brings even stronger commitment and sureness over the years. I think the cliche about love growing deeper with years is really true for long, happy marriages. What I think, without knowing more than what you post, is that OM is not a good bet for a partner (single or married) and perhaps you and your H need to establish more clearly what it is you want, what boundaries you want, and how that will all work for both of you well into the future. I think very mismatched sex drives would be quite problematic for any marriage, open or closed, but I don't have any experience with that issue.
Recommended Posts