Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) The Breakup: We started dating early last summer, and she broke up with me in the middle of November. It was out of nowhere, and the reasons she brought up seemed minor, like things we could definitely work out ("I want to be around your family more", "The stress of my work schedule is getting to me", etc.). None of it really made sense. It almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of the reasons as much as me. After reading through LS, it definitely felt like a case of G.I.G.S. Neither one of us cheated, we rarely fought, no drastic changes in our lives, she didn't start seeing someone or start dating as soon as she left me...we were just over. She made up her mind, and it was final. Where We Do Everything LS Says Not To Do: Like almost everyone else, at first I did everything wrong. I didn't do anything like show up at her house/job or leave crazy voicemails, but I texted her too much, called her, tried to get her to talk, and was met with basically nothing in return. After 2 weeks of this, she texts me saying that she wants to start over as friends. Of course I make the mistake to agree. Next, we have the "closure phone call". At the time, I'm thinking it couldn't have gone any better. She told me her issues, I told her mine, and the convo was so positive. Like we never broke up. She ends it with "we have a clean slate, we'll be friends now and see if it builds back up into the relationship we had". Just having that hope was enough for me...or so I thought. The next week, she starts blowing hot-and-cold. She texts me, I always respond. I text her, it could go either way. Then it gets to the point where I'm initiating almost all the contract and getting ignored. At this point I get fed up and tell her "I tried to be your friend, I tried to show you I was willing to try to rebuild this relationship, but I can't be the only one putting the effort in. I'll always care for you, but I won't do this anymore". 2 weeks of NC followed. On Christmas, I send her a "Merry Christmas" text (another mistake). She responds with a warm text. We have another positive text convo, talking about Christmas, asking me if I'm ok (I know what this really meant now), she's calling me nicknames we used for each other...just a nice convo. From that point on, Christmas through last Friday, she's initiating ALL of the contact, all through texts. Texing me almost every day. The texts all get warmer, closer to how they were when we were together. "Such and such makes it impossible to forget you", "I miss you", talking about good times that happened when we were together, etc. I kept it light, stayed in control and was never overanxious, but every time I tried to casually bring up where we go from here, she deflected it. The Revelation: After reading enough LS, my mind finally won the battle with my heart- she was feeding me crumbs. Stringing me along for whatever reason. I still loved her and wanted her back, so I couldn't accept those crumbs. I couldn't accept settling for friendship. Besides, it would ruin my chances of possibly getting back together with her. I had to put her to a decision, make her miss me, and let her realize she could lose me forever. She texted me about a week ago with some small talk. For the first time ever, I ignored it. 6 days pass, then another small talk text. I ignore it again. She then texts me "I guess you really don't want to talk." I text her back, saying "I'm sorry, I won't settle for being friends/text buddies. I loved you too much to pretend to put my feelings aside to be friends. Friendship won't work. We deserve all of each other or nothing at all. You have to decide what you really want". It felt like the biggest weight in the world was FINALLY lifted off my shoulders. I took away her safety net, made her finally realize she could lose me for good, and now I was going strict NC no matter what. I could now start to heal and move on with my life. Here's Where I Desperately Need LS Advice: 2 days pass since I told her I won't ever settle for being friends, we deserve all of each other or nothing at all, and she needs to decide what she really wants. I'm ready for total NC forever unless I hear the words from her that every experienced LSer says to wait for if you are to make contact again: "I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I want you back". Basically making it 100% clear that the dumper wants you back. Anything else is crumbs, being a safety net, feeding ego, lessening guilt, etc. Sunday night, I get this text out of nowhere: her: "I am sorry" me: "Why are you sorry?" her: "Because I don't know why or what I want or need so I keep running" me: "You running is why I stopped chasing...your heart will tell you the way to go...when you're ready to talk about those feelings, I'll be here to listen" For the first time since we broke up 2 months ago, she, the dumper, swallowed her pride and apologized. And I know one of the first signs to look for in a reconciliation is the dumper saying "I'm sorry, I messed up". It wasn't a meaningless "I miss you" or "I still care about you", it was an apology. Not only did she apologize, she told me why she's been "running"/stringing me along all this time. It seems like by me taking away her safety net and saying it was all or nothing for us, that I won't ever "just be friends", it put some doubts/second thoughts in her head and made her reconsider...and that her apologizing was the first step she had to take in order for us to maybe get back together. I feel like I did the best I could by saying I'd be here to listen. I'm not jumping the gun, and I still won't be the one to initiate anything. I still won't be "friends" with my ex. But it felt like she put herself out there with the apology, and I felt like I had to let her know if/when she's ready to reconcile I'm at least willing to hear her out. I think it's never as black-and-white as a dumper coming back with "I made a mistake! I love you! Take me back!"...even if that's what they want, most people will dip their toes in the water first...and an apology seems like a way for the dumper to do it, while also being something the dumpee can accept as it's not the usual crumbs. LSers, what's your take? Did I do the right thing? How should I approach it from here? Please, any and all opinions welcome. Edited January 19, 2011 by Skee
Ajax Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My question is... It was out of nowhere, and the reasons she brought up seemed minor, like things we could definitely work out ("I want to be around your family more", "The stress of my work schedule is getting to me", etc.).. Did she spend more time with your family after she broke up with you?
hopesndreams Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Not only did she apologize, she told me why she's been "running"/stringing me along all this time. Why? You still don't know. her: "Because I don't know why or what I want or need so I keep running"
spiderowl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think you did OK and she's having to think. I don't think that saying she doesn't know what she wants and that's why she's running is a great sign though. Until she's entirely positive and knows she wants you, no reservations, I'd keep her at arms bay. I don't know what I want means she's still very uncertain. You don't need that.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think you did OK and she's having to think. I don't think that saying she doesn't know what she wants and that's why she's running is a great sign though. Until she's entirely positive and knows she wants you, no reservations, I'd keep her at arms bay. I don't know what I want means she's still very uncertain. You don't need that. I agree. It seems that she's still very confused and if she's a GIGS girl, it usually takes a while for her figure her life out. Unless she really knows and decides what she wants she will definitely escape again when things get serious, and break your heart again along the way.
hopesndreams Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think it's never as black-and-white as a dumper coming back with "I made a mistake! I love you! Take me back!" Anything less than that is crumbs. You are grasping at straws. You have now opened up the lines of communication and have let her know you are still pining. Funny how she takes days to get back to you. When a woman loves a man, nothing can keep her away. You think she is toe dipping? I think she's carrot dangling. Go back to NC.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 My question is... Did she spend more time with your family after she broke up with you? lol obviously not Like I said, with that reason and the other reasons she gave for the breakup (where it sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me), I suspected it was a case of G.I.G.S. more than anything. The reasons made little sense, and the breakup was out of nowhere, which is why I was so hurt/confused. homebrew's G.I.G.S. thread felt like he was describing my relationship/breakup word-for-word.
WTRanger Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 her: "Because I don't know why or what I want or need so I keep running" Until she fixes this, you will always be back at this point in your relationship. The harsh truth is, she won't fix it until she really realizes what damage an attitude like that does to relationships. Plus, with you and presumably other guys or ex's chasing her (either now or some point in her life), it enables her to act this way. She won't change until she's faced with the utter realization of being alone. It's broken, it can't be fixed with duct tape, move on. 2nd, 3rd, 400th chance will always fail.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Not only did she apologize, she told me why she's been "running"/stringing me along all this time. Why? You still don't know. her: "Because I don't know why or what I want or need so I keep running" You're right, I still don't know. But by apologizing, and by admitting she's been "running", she in turn owned up to the fact that she's been stringing me along. How many dumpers come back and say "I'm sorry for stringing you along"? So I said I'd listen if she wanted to talk about those feelings...no more, no less. Maybe we never get back together. I'm under no illusions. I'm back to NC. I'll never be her "friend", her backup plan or her safety net. But maybe she is legit confused about if she wants to be with me. Maybe she is deciding if getting back together is the right decision. She'll need to come back to me if she does. But I felt like an unsolicited apology wasn't the usual brand of crumbs.
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Until she fixes this, you will always be back at this point in your relationship. The harsh truth is, she won't fix it until she really realizes what damage an attitude like that does to relationships. Plus, with you and presumably other guys or ex's chasing her (either now or some point in her life), it enables her to act this way. She won't change until she's faced with the utter realization of being alone. It's broken, it can't be fixed with duct tape, move on. 2nd, 3rd, 400th chance will always fail. hes 100% right in saying this. my girlfriend did the same thing and came back after 2 months once i pretty much said the same thing u did. She wasn't ready though and was still confused on what she wanted and ended it again 6 months later. I should of saw this and did, but i loved her too much to end it even though i realize now i should have. so now im back in the same boat, she ran away cause shes trying to figure things out and get over her GIGS and her fears of commitment. Shes in therapy which is a start and im glad shes doing that, but I've been NC for over 2 weeks now, she knows we cant be friends.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I think you did OK and she's having to think. I don't think that saying she doesn't know what she wants and that's why she's running is a great sign though. Until she's entirely positive and knows she wants you, no reservations, I'd keep her at arms bay. I don't know what I want means she's still very uncertain. You don't need that. I definitely agree. I'm totally NC again unless her next text/call/whatever is about us getting back together. Almost every experienced LSer mentions an apology being in the discussion when a dumper is serious about maybe getting back together. "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, etc." So I felt I couldn't just ignore it. I haven't really seen too many threads dealing specifically with an apology. That's why I'm here now.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I agree. It seems that she's still very confused and if she's a GIGS girl, it usually takes a while for her figure her life out. Unless she really knows and decides what she wants she will definitely escape again when things get serious, and break your heart again along the way. Thank you for the advice...all opinions are definitely appreciated. 2 months isn't long enough for a G.I.G.S. girl to start having doubts? To maybe start having ideas of wanting to reconcile? I guess there is no set answer to that.
bl22 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 She won't change until she's faced with the utter realization of being alone. This is so true and I feel thats exactly the case with my ex, I think that is when I will hear from her...little does she know she wont hear back from me.
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for the advice...all opinions are definitely appreciated. 2 months isn't long enough for a G.I.G.S. girl to start having doubts? To maybe start having ideas of wanting to reconcile? I guess there is no set answer to that. I don't think so dude. I honestly think its minimum 6 months or so. obviously there's no set answer to it but 2 months isn't that long.
bl22 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for the advice...all opinions are definitely appreciated. 2 months isn't long enough for a G.I.G.S. girl to start having doubts? To maybe start having ideas of wanting to reconcile? I guess there is no set answer to that. Dude, its going to take her a hell of a lot longer than 2 months to get through this phase. Usualy longer than a year, which means move on. Its only then you can truly decide what you want for your future and your life. Dont wait around, keep moving forward, lifes too short.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Until she fixes this, you will always be back at this point in your relationship. The harsh truth is, she won't fix it until she really realizes what damage an attitude like that does to relationships. Plus, with you and presumably other guys or ex's chasing her (either now or some point in her life), it enables her to act this way. She won't change until she's faced with the utter realization of being alone. It's broken, it can't be fixed with duct tape, move on. 2nd, 3rd, 400th chance will always fail. Thanks bro. I'm just saying, maybe she is legit confused about what to do. She wanted the breakup, but the time she's spent without me, and now especially knowing I'll never chase her again or settle for friendship, made her realize that if she doesn't fix it, she will be alone. I know I have to continue NC and move on with my life. If she wants a relationship again, it's still on her to come back.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 hes 100% right in saying this. my girlfriend did the same thing and came back after 2 months once i pretty much said the same thing u did. She wasn't ready though and was still confused on what she wanted and ended it again 6 months later. I should of saw this and did, but i loved her too much to end it even though i realize now i should have. so now im back in the same boat, she ran away cause shes trying to figure things out and get over her GIGS and her fears of commitment. Shes in therapy which is a start and im glad shes doing that, but I've been NC for over 2 weeks now, she knows we cant be friends. Thanks man, great to hear from someone who's been through it. It's funny, if she didn't say "I'm sorry", unsolicited, before anything, I would've taken the "I'm running/confused" part as crumbs and ignored it. But since so many experienced posters mention an apology when an ex might be getting serious about reconciliation, I felt like I handled it as best as I could.
bl22 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Also, after going through my breakup n reading/hearing about soooooooooo many others. The word 'confused' (9/10) translated means: I've met somebody else who I have feelings for. Sounds to me like shes keeping that part from you im sorry to say.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I think it's never as black-and-white as a dumper coming back with "I made a mistake! I love you! Take me back!" Anything less than that is crumbs. You are grasping at straws. You have now opened up the lines of communication and have let her know you are still pining. Funny how she takes days to get back to you. When a woman loves a man, nothing can keep her away. You think she is toe dipping? I think she's carrot dangling. Go back to NC. "You think she is toe dipping? I think she's carrot dangling." great quote You truly feel "I'm sorry" is crumbs though? That's where my biggest confusion was. Is "I'm sorry" the usual brand of crumbs? Because "I'm sorry" is also something all experienced LSers tell a dumpee to look for when a dumper is thinking about reconciliation...along with "I made a mistake", "We should've never broke up", etc.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Also, after going through my breakup n reading/hearing about soooooooooo many others. The word 'confused' (9/10) translated means: I've met somebody else who I have feelings for. Sounds to me like shes keeping that part from you im sorry to say. haha trust me I know...but I know for a fact she isn't seeing anyone else. We've both been single since the breakup. Which is why I'm confused lol. She never said she was confused though. She said "I'm sorry", then told me why she was "running". Like I said, I've accepted the "running/confused" part as ignore-worthy. Basically crumbs. But her apology, at the time, meant to me that she might be feeling me out as far as if I'd be willing to reconcile. I've looked through the LS archives for months, and I don't think I've really seen this issue tackled head-on, on what to do if the dumper outright apologizes and tells you "yes, I was stringing you along, it was my confusion/doubts about the breakup that caused me to do that." Edited January 19, 2011 by Skee
bluebirdsfly Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you for the advice...all opinions are definitely appreciated. 2 months isn't long enough for a G.I.G.S. girl to start having doubts? To maybe start having ideas of wanting to reconcile? I guess there is no set answer to that. I would give it at least 6 months. But in reality, it may take several years for her to figure out her life, depending on how confused she is. These people need to either make some big progress on their life or have some major setbacks to realized what they really want and what they have lost. If no progress/change happens in her life, she won't return. She might have some regrets for a couple of seconds("I'm sorry"), but as long as she's still GIGS, she will justify her action to herself in some way.
hopesndreams Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You truly feel "I'm sorry" is crumbs though? That's where my biggest confusion was. Is "I'm sorry" the usual brand of crumbs? Because "I'm sorry" is also something all experienced LSers tell a dumpee to look for when a dumper is thinking about reconciliation...along with "I made a mistake", "We should've never broke up", etc. Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word....(Elton John) Ummm...no, it isn't. Unless the sorry is followed up with something tangible then just look at it as a meaningless word used to grab your attention, lessen the guilt and get you hooked back on that line.
WTRanger Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 She's not confused. She thinks she is, until a new exciting man comes in her life. Then she'll know exactly what she wants. It happens more than you think. Every thread that has ever had the words "I know my ex isn't seeing anyone post breakup" 100% of the time has a follow up of "My ex is now in a relationship." This is something she has been doing her entire life, and she may NEVER change. It doesn't matter if she is stringing you along, what matters is that you are enabling her to do so by staying in her life. Your GIGS is just some way the quantify the breakup, when in reality GIGS is just mumbo-jumbo made up by some fraud, who couldn't face his own faults in his breakups and who picked up his ball and ran away a long time ago.
nature Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I'm sorry to say, and I really do mean SORRY.....but the word "sorry" is not hard to say when what she's saying is still the same thing as when she broke up with you. She is confused and does not know what she wants. She is not saying she made a mistake, loves you and cannot live without you. She's saying she's sorry because you won't talk to her anymore, so if she says she's sorry, she knows she can string you along longer. You are reading in to her words what you want to hear. Sorry is a very easy word to say when it suits the person saying it. I've heard the word sorry many, many times in past relationship where they did something that hurt me, only to do it again. If they were really sorry, they wouldn't continue the behaviour that hurt me. If you really look at her words, she is saying sorry for breaking up with you and hurting you, but she's still hurting you by saying she's confused and doesn't know whether she wants to be in the relationship with you or not. She's confused. Ohhhhhhhh how the word "confused" is thrown around when people are trying to string others along. If I were you, I'd be insulted and offended that she is saying she doesn't know what she wants and she's confused. I'd be even angrier. The only thing you should accept from her is that she doesn't want to live without you and wants to be with you.n Everything else is just BS used to buy time. It's insulting. If she's confused and doesn't know what she wants, then she should leave you the heck alone, and take deal with her selfishness on her own.
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think it's never as black-and-white as a dumper coming back with "I made a mistake! I love you! Take me back!" Anything less than that is crumbs. You are grasping at straws. You have now opened up the lines of communication and have let her know you are still pining. Funny how she takes days to get back to you. When a woman loves a man, nothing can keep her away. You think she is toe dipping? I think she's carrot dangling. Go back to NC. I agree with hopesndreams. She tells you it`s final - no gray area there. She tells you she wants to be friends - again, no gray area there. Yet she tip toes and stays in the gray when she supposedly wants you back? Look, I don't mean to burst your bubble, because I know how happy and excited you must feel. But I don't want to see you get hurt again. This is coming from someone who went back at 4 times to someone who was just as wishy-washy as your ex is being. If you go back to this you WILL get hurt because you have holding out hope that she will come back, and here she is seemingly ready to do so but ahhhhh, the lovely gray zone. If someone is ready to commit, and truly be with you 100 percent, there will be no gray zone. It will be very, very clear. She will not toss you crumbs. She will not string you along. She will be willing to say, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Let's fix this. Lets talk about where we went wrong and let's work on the issues together so that we can be a strong, healthy couple and move forward for a future together. HOWEVER, in the little while that you have been apart - has she grown sufficiently? has she matured? has she changed? what lessons has she learned? how is she a better person now than she was a few months ago? how has she matured that she is now better prepared to handle life's problems without slamming the door in your face? IF you go back to this, this is THE MOST clarity you will ever get from her. She will only go back to being wishy-washy again. You will get stuck in the gray zone, too afraid to say anything because you'll be so happy for her to be back and you'll be too afraid to lose her again. It's a horrible, miserable, self loathing place that you don't want to end up in. Don't lunge for carrots. If she's serious, she'll feed it to you.
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