Arking Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So my GF (28) has an old friend (30) from college that calls her up as he will be in her town with 3 other guy friends, for a concert, and needs a place to stay. Let me clarify...they all need a place to stay. She tells me of his request and asks my input. My first thought is along the lines of this not being and ideal situation for us given this being a long distance relationship. However, i do respect her judgement in her selection of friends and understand that the friend that called her is somewhat close and sincere. My issue is that i'm uncomfortable with 4 guys that i've never met, 3 of which she doesn't know, want to stay in her townhome for a weekend. additionally, if our relationship wasn't already troubled and I had not already dismissed 2 previous 12 & 15yr (lives across the country) friends (platonic) b/c she has issues w/me being close to other women, i wouldn't have a problem. Am i wrong at all for my concern??
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So my GF (28) has an old friend (30) from college that calls her up as he will be in her town with 3 other guy friends, for a concert, and needs a place to stay. Let me clarify...they all need a place to stay. She tells me of his request and asks my input. My first thought is along the lines of this not being and ideal situation for us given this being a long distance relationship. However, i do respect her judgement in her selection of friends and understand that the friend that called her is somewhat close and sincere. My issue is that i'm uncomfortable with 4 guys that i've never met, 3 of which she doesn't know, want to stay in her townhome for a weekend. additionally, if our relationship wasn't already troubled and I had not already dismissed 2 previous 12 & 15yr (lives across the country) friends (platonic) b/c she has issues w/me being close to other women, i wouldn't have a problem. Am i wrong at all for my concern?? I'd see this as a safety issue more than I'd see it as a fidelity risk. As long as your partner has given you no reason to doubt her that is. Suggest that while she may know this one guy very well, she is not so familiar with the other fellas and it might be wiser to involve some of her trusted local friends in the mix for the weekend. They can make a house party of it.
folieadeux Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Regardless of being in a relationship, I wouldn't let three strangers stay in my house. Can't they get a hotel? As far as your relationship goes, it sounds like there are some trust issues you need to work out on both sides if you're both dismissing friends for each other.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Agreed. To the OP: Me and my partner are both close friends with our long term ex's, he also very occasionally has female friends to stay (well only one since I've known him, she lives in anther country and had a holiday with him), I would never ask him to give up his friendships for me, nor would he me, it would be like saying you don't trust them not to cheat on you At times I've found his f/ship with his ex difficult just because I've been jealous that he spends more time with her than me, but we've worked through it, I've never not trusted him with his female friends, he's given me no reason to. Regardless of being in a relationship, I wouldn't let three strangers stay in my house. Can't they get a hotel? As far as your relationship goes, it sounds like there are some trust issues you need to work out on both sides if you're both dismissing friends for each other.
denise_xo Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) My general approach to relationships is that it's possible to have friends of the opposite gender and they are also welcome to stay over (e.g. in our house with my H when I'm away). 'Friendship' to me is a complete category - if my H has a female friend, I fully trust him to interact with her on a friendly basis only in whatever context. I agree with HOH here: I would never ask him to give up his friendships for me, nor would he me, it would be like saying you don't trust them not to cheat on you. However, it has to go both ways. I find it very problematic that your gf asks something of you that she doesn't return. As for the three people she doesn't know and safety: For me, that would be an issue of trust between myself and my friend. I pick my friends wisely and I can safely say that none of them would bring people into my house that they would consider a danger, a nuisance, or troublesome. Whether the same can be assumed in your case, would be up to your gf to determine. Edited January 19, 2011 by denise_xo
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 this is really tricky cuz people have different views on this. i had a similar dilemma with my fiance before and we almost broke up because of that. he has a female friend (who's married, btw) who called him and asked if she could crash his place while she's on vacation. she needed a place to stay and just take a break from her family. i have never met any of his friends...and though it really seemed harmless i was left with lots of questions. i thought, if i let this slide...does he think he can let any female friend of his crash anytime at his place? what's the long term impact of this if i agree? remember we are in a long distance relationship. it would have been different if i was there. anyway, i told him that i wanted to lay down some boundaries in our relationship. though i am not against the idea of him meeting his female friends for coffee or dinner, i am not comfortable with the idea of them being alone in his place. i trust him but i cannot control my emotions and i know that's not his problem. i just wanna be responsible for my decision and i don't wanna regret it and resent him in the end. at first he did not get it. he said that he would have been totally okay if some of my guy friends ask to stay at my place. i told him, well that's him...and not me. i won't let any room for errors. i will not do that because not only do i think of what he will think, but sometimes we have no control of what the "3rd party" thinks. what if they have a secret agenda...and i won't invite myself into such situation. he sought advices of other friends. he thought i was being jealous and silly. when for me it's just i don't wanna be that girl again, letting his guy do things and abuse it. i am just letting him know my boundaries and what i won't tolerate. plus if he's really hell-bent on helping her, why can't he just get a hotel for her? she does not have any other girl friends? and the premise of the need for a break is fishy for me...why does she need a break from her family?? so really, bottom line is...you have to approach it in a light manner. i dunno if there's such thing as "light" but i guess what i mean is don't show some jealousy or controlling behavior. but if you know you will regret the decision, tell her the truth. it's also a good way of knowing if you're in the same page when it comes to things like this. it's an essential part of a relationship you really need to tackle.
creighton0123 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 If she has roommates that she lives with, I would say trust her and leave it up to her. She is allowing a close friend and some of his friends to crash at her place for two nights. All of this "You shouldn't be friends with this or that person for this or that reason, when being friends with this person causes you no real or measurable harm" seems pretty... immature to me.
carhill Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hotel. No brainer. Are they, what, two years old?
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