yessy21 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Im tired. of everything. today i just sat in my car didnt even want to get out. I have this overwhelming sadness and i dont know why. i feel empty and lost. i want to talk to noone. see noone. all i think about is why. why me. what have i done to deserve this scenario. i have no answers and im tired. tired of wanting and almost having. i have no energy to even write about it. but i need to get it out of my head somehow. whats wrong with me?
vtbrokenhearted Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Nothing's wrong with you. I've felt similar during the past four months, asked myself the same questions. I have to try and not ask myself the "why" questions. They seem to hurt the most. I hope you find some peace tonight.
BlindRage Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Im tired. of everything. today i just sat in my car didnt even want to get out. I have this overwhelming sadness and i dont know why. i feel empty and lost. i want to talk to noone. see noone. all i think about is why. why me. what have i done to deserve this scenario. i have no answers and im tired. tired of wanting and almost having. i have no energy to even write about it. but i need to get it out of my head somehow. whats wrong with me? Oh jeez, you should have seen me 4 days ago. I was in my car, in the parking lot, in my school, crying out loud, while calling my ex (to which she didn't answer). I put on quite the spectacle for the few students that were in their cars waiting for their class to start. It was really pathetic. Ugh, well.. the point is today I'm feeling better. You will have some of those days that you break down but you will also have happy days.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I feel your pain. There are times when I just sit there and think I am worthless for what is going on with me. I will wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there crying cause I feel like no one will want me since my stbxH threw me away like trash. It feels like the world is crashing and burning and I wonder why everyone else can be so happy when I am so miserable. I have had to literally imagine myself being dragged with a rope around my neck to get out of the apartment and do things. There seems to be an emptiness in my chest and guts that I can't place... like some organs were ripped away. Logic tells me that this is the depressed part of healing up, but my feelings tell me that I am worthless and unloveable. I know it is the devil speaking and I start praying even if I am crying and torn up. Just pray. Pray to whoever you believe in, or many whoevers you believe in. Ask them to deliver you from this pit. Ask them to give you the clarity to get up and do something... anything. Sometimes I would have to pray just for the strength to want to walk around the mall or go to the music store. At these times I let my logic take hold of my imagination and "make" a rope that drags me where I need to be whether I like it or not. Emotions are stubborn things, like a jackass that has to be forced to work.
vtbrokenhearted Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Logic tells me that this is the depressed part of healing up, but my feelings tell me that I am worthless and unloveable. I'm so happy you wrote this, not because I'm happy you feel this way, but because you've admitted it and written it down. I've said this to my mom, and she's gotten so angry. I wasn't sure...I'm not sure why she got angry...maybe because someone could make me feel this way. I don't know. I've thought it, I've said it, I've been made to feel bad, for the lack of a better word, for it. Aahhh...sometimes coming here is just what I need in order to get a good night's rest. I'm sorry you feel this way though. I hope the days are getting further and urther apart as they're getting for me. I do have to say that I really really hate thinking these thoughts though. It's so nice to feel good. Hope you get a good night's sleep!
WTRanger Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Instead of thinking, "Why me?" start to think of things you are grateful for. Even if you have to fake it until you make it. You have a car, some people don't. You woke up alive today, some don't. You have the ability to walk, see, feel, hear, and live life. Some don't. You have running water. You have TV. You have electricity. You have food. The think-positive list goes on and on, far longer than the think negative list. However, the in terms of what your Ego wants to feel and desires. The negative list is a brand spanking new Ferrari, and the positive list is a Geo Metro with 600,000 miles on it. You've got to trick the brain to think positive. Oddly enough, we are wired to think negative. Even if you just end every day with, "Today I am grateful for....."
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Well at least you made it as far as your car! That's progress! Here's a picture of me during my first week of NC: I paced a path around my coffee table (I have a shag rug); had to turn off my cell phone because I was at the point that I would hallucinate the text message indicator; would sit on my couch for all of 2 seconds - tops - before the anxiety of having the my phone turned off, just in case he called. It was pathetic. We all go through it and it does get better. Don't beat yourself for your weak moments - you are grieving. It is normal. If you didn't have these, THEN there'd be something wrong. Celebrate, enjoy and commend yourself for the strong moments and like WTRanger said, remember what you are grateful for. Even if it is just to say, I am grateful that I have a couch to sit and cry on.
Author yessy21 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 My pain is a mixture of defeat and words that have scarred me. I hear them over and over and over again. i cant even think. i put music on loud and it doesnt go away. i woke up at 4 am and i looked over at my little monkey and thought. hurt me fine. but hurt her....no. i keep thinking that if i leave it will go away. stay behind. maybe i will forget. it should be easier... my mother calls me a fool. weak and stupid. i want to get away as soon as possible from the whole situation... tears just stream down my face like waterfalls.
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