Kittenface Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi all, This is my first post. I have read about breaking up on here but I'm still so confused. I have been with my BF for 5 years. I am 27, he is 29. We have both been faithful and love eachother. I feel like the relation ship is at it's end. I don't want to move in (he does) I don't think I want to marry him (he does) while I truly love him and am still sexually attracted to him most of the time, I feel like I have been falling out of love for the last year. He really loves me and he is the one that has always been so positive about us. I guess I haven't felt positive about us for a long time. We have had really nasty fights lately. Some about him and his depression, but mostly about me and that I don't treat him right. I don't treat him right . I think the biggest reason is because I want the relationship to end...I just don't know how. Help!
D78 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Kittenface, The only choice you have is to be honest. You were mature enough to have this serious relationship, so you are mature enough to end it when it's time. I would suggest telling him that you don't think you're in love with him anymore. You're sorry. You don't know what happened. You think your falling out of love is what is causing the fights, and you want to stop treating him badly. I would not mention that you have been out of love for a year. You might need to be prepared to answer for not mentioning it earlier so the two of you could work on making your relationship better (which is what many dumpees think after they get the speech). You don't need to prepare a list of things you don't like about him, but you should also stay away from saying "it's not you, it's me" because that line is so tired. Just stay calm, apologize, and then leave him alone as much as possible. Good luck!
Duckduckgoose Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Send the guy here to LS so we can console him. D78 is right, but I want to add to it. Tell him your feelings for him have changed, that you don't want to marry him, AND that you want him to be free to find someone who does want to marry him. You said he has depression issues, is that why you have been less attracted to him? Or has your distance in the relationship made him depressed? What is going on?
spiderowl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi Kittenface, If you don't end a relationship, quite often it will fall apart by default. You are giving multiple indirect messages to him that you are not happy with him and the poor guy is basically just not understanding. He's getting upset and, I would guess, trying to work out why it seems so hard to get you to understand what you need to do to make him feel happier. It's a horrible situation to be in for both of you. You will be hurting him whatever you do, whether you tell him you don't want to move forward with him or not. It's probably best to say something, to at least let him know you have serious doubts that you haven't been able to shake off. He will be shocked but it will at least give him chance to rethink things without you actually saying you want to dump him. I don't know, you may have to tell him the two of you can't go on as you are. I think he needs to know this as his present situation must be extremely frustrating and hurtful. It will take him some time to adjust to the fact that you want out of the relationship, so expect this to be a difficult time. Hopefully, in the future you will both have the opportunity to be with someone who is happy with you.
timchambo Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Well having just been on the other end of it about 4 weeks ago I may be a bit biased. Please do all you can to solve any issues you have with him. Could it be possible your going through some GIGS? Whatever it takes gve him a chance to work with you on any problems. I'm still in the shock state sadly from my breakup. It is without a doubt more painful than anything I have ever experienced. I think it's already unfair that you've spent a year letting your feelings fade. If his depression is an issue then help him get some help. I'm sure you're his best friend so you at least owe him that. I want to hate you so bad, but at least you has the decency to talk to a neutral crowd here. My ex ran to the arms of another man. Sorry I'm bitter. Still working on that.
I am healed Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 cut him loose, nice and easy. " hey hun, listen the truth is I just can't anymore, I don't love you I'm sorry" honesty, honesty, honesty. I don't understand why you don't want to try to reconcile though can you elaborate?
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Kittenface, something seems off. You've clearly checked out of the relationship. Why? You say that you love him (maybe you're not in love with him anymore. Fair enough) and that you are sexually attracted to him 'most of the time'. Something has clearly changed for the two of you - maybe it his depression that you don't find appealing, whatever it is - you NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. I don't believe that a guy (unless he has lost all touch with reality) would be asking you to move in with him or marry him if he knew that you genuinely felt this way. I don't know, maybe you've already told him all of this, but it doesn't seem logical that he would pushing for these things if he knew that in your heart and mind you've decided that the relationship is already over. If you've already decided to leave, then you need to stop stringing him along. You've been together for 5 years. You need to give him the respect he deserves to be honest with him.
Author Kittenface Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I really want to do the right thing, here. He has had depression issues since we have met. It's been up and down the whole time. I have been with him through counseling, through changing his meds over and over. Through him quitting his meds and counceling, and back again. The depression is hard, but it's not really why I have fallen out of love with him. I think we got together when I was younger and didn't care so much about stability or the future. Now that he is nearing 30, and I would like to settle down, that fact that he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than a year, the fact that he would rather sleep all day, etc. Just scares me. I have talked to him about our relationship. I have told him all my fears and he has told me that he understands and will work on it. And to some degree he has. But it's just been going on for so long..I feel like I just don't have much left for him. I really would like it to work, but when I look at him I just feel...nothing sometimes. I think he thinks that if our relationship progresses (like we move in together or get married) then we will be happier. I think the opposite. I have told him I am not ready for any of that. The worst part is I think he knows it. He tries so hard sometimes to make me happy and it breaks my heart that I feel like it's just too late. We talked about two weeks ago and he said he knew that I had "checked out" and that he knows things have been bad. He wants me to stick in there and try it one more time. I am. I told him I would. I have told him that my feelings have changed, that sometimes I think we should end it, but he just refuses to hear me. He says things like "YOU WILL REGRET IT" or that I am not thinking clearly. He basically says that if I still love him a little, then why break up. So whenever we start talking about breaking up, he kind of bullys me out of it. I think he is just scared of not having someone and he doesn't want to start over. I don't either..but I am so tireed of feeling so sad.
TheThinker Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I really want to do the right thing, here. He has had depression issues since we have met. It's been up and down the whole time. I have been with him through counseling, through changing his meds over and over. Through him quitting his meds and counceling, and back again. The depression is hard, but it's not really why I have fallen out of love with him. I think we got together when I was younger and didn't care so much about stability or the future. Now that he is nearing 30, and I would like to settle down, that fact that he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than a year, the fact that he would rather sleep all day, etc. Just scares me. I have talked to him about our relationship. I have told him all my fears and he has told me that he understands and will work on it. And to some degree he has. But it's just been going on for so long..I feel like I just don't have much left for him. I really would like it to work, but when I look at him I just feel...nothing sometimes. I think he thinks that if our relationship progresses (like we move in together or get married) then we will be happier. I think the opposite. I have told him I am not ready for any of that. The worst part is I think he knows it. He tries so hard sometimes to make me happy and it breaks my heart that I feel like it's just too late. We talked about two weeks ago and he said he knew that I had "checked out" and that he knows things have been bad. He wants me to stick in there and try it one more time. I am. I told him I would. I have told him that my feelings have changed, that sometimes I think we should end it, but he just refuses to hear me. He says things like "YOU WILL REGRET IT" or that I am not thinking clearly. He basically says that if I still love him a little, then why break up. So whenever we start talking about breaking up, he kind of bullys me out of it. I think he is just scared of not having someone and he doesn't want to start over. I don't either..but I am so tireed of feeling so sad. Have you considered taking a few days apart so that both of you can look at your relationship without being in the bubble of the comfort zone. Even if one of you moves out for a weekend when you are at your most comfortable and its time that you would normally spend most time together. Maybe it will help him realise what he is missing and actually make the changes that he is talking about or has promised for so long. You may feel your feelings change whilst you are out of there also
Author Kittenface Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Have you considered taking a few days apart so that both of you can look at your relationship without being in the bubble of the comfort zone. Even if one of you moves out for a weekend when you are at your most comfortable and its time that you would normally spend most time together. Maybe it will help him realise what he is missing and actually make the changes that he is talking about or has promised for so long. You may feel your feelings change whilst you are out of there also Hi Thinker, Just to be clear, we don't live together. I have brought up doing a mini seperation or time apart. He refuses. He said he won't do that, that he has done it before and it never works out. And that if we need time apart, it just means we will break up. So what I end up doing is just kind of distancing myself. And when I do that, he gets more and more needy and angry with me. It's like he won't give me the distance and time I need, but then when I have tried to break up with him before, he tells me I'm not thinking clearly, and that I am making a huge mistake...etc.
D78 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You've done all you can. You've opened up to him about your feelings. You've given the relationship a second chance (maybe more). I can understand why this will be hard for you, but what else can you do? It sounds like you have already had the break up talk, but he convinced you that you were wrong. Well, try again and tell him that you were not wrong. Ask him if he wants to continue this push and pull relationship that makes you both unhappy... I admire your honesty and strength for being open with your boyfriend about not being happy in the relationship, and giving him a chance to change his behavior. I was wondering if there were any people on earth left who do that. Good luck.
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