Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I haven't contacted him and won't, but some how I feel I'm putting too much effort into avoiding him for the sake of NC. I usually sign onto IM daily, but I go thru my list of friend and select who I would like to be able to view me online. I really don't want to go thru this step anymore. I should just be able to sign on and if he does contact I can continue to ignore. Am I making a rationalization in hopes he will contact me?
confused31 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 The best you can do is sign on and not talk to him at all. I wouldn't stop doing something you want to do because of someone else. Plus, I guarantee if you sign on and don't talk to him you will feel good afterwards. It'll be like taking the first steps. You need to assume/know he won't talk to you, but you may find satisfaction in knowing that he's may be wondering why you wont talk to him. The best way to get over someone is to go on with your normal life, and not limit yourself in anything. That's how life will be when you're over that person, so why not start now?
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 It shouldn't be an issue of active avoidance, rather there being no possibility of incidental interaction or contact. Eliminating him from your IM list, blocking phone numbers, changing e-mail addresses, reconfiguring social networking sites are all part of no contact. It's a methodology to eliminate thoughts and feelings of a non-desired person from one's mind. Someday, perhaps you'll be able to IM with him and not feel anything. My exW and I resolved to that place over a couple of years. No care nor expectations nor 'feelings' on either side. Until you get to that point ( a good test is whether he's amongst your first thoughts in the morning when waking up or not), strict NC is my suggestion. It works.
confused31 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Thats the thing. She needs delete him from her friend list, or just go on without going through the process of blocking certain people. That process is unnecesarry. She knows why she's doing it when she's doing it, so how will that help her get over him? Will she continue to do this everytime? When will she finally stop? Just get him out of everything you can so you're not tempted, or let him know you're around but could care less that he is. I'd suggest deleting him as carhill suggests, but if you're into playing games, you can give him something to think about by not talking to him when he knows you're online. Maybe that will give you some strength and put a good smile on your face.
Author Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 It shouldn't be an issue of active avoidance, rather there being no possibility of incidental interaction or contact. Eliminating him from your IM list, blocking phone numbers, changing e-mail addresses, reconfiguring social networking sites are all part of no contact. It's a methodology to eliminate thoughts and feelings of a non-desired person from one's mind. Someday, perhaps you'll be able to IM with him and not feel anything. My exW and I resolved to that place over a couple of years. No care nor expectations nor 'feelings' on either side. Until you get to that point ( a good test is whether he's amongst your first thoughts in the morning when waking up or not), strict NC is my suggestion. It works. Carhill, you have made some good points here. Possibly my desire is to have incidental interaction as he is my first thought upon awakening and my last thought at night. I am obvious not ready to carrying on my life without his consideration. When will it ever end? I've been living this way for 3 years now. It is so hard to get back to normal.
Author Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Thats the thing. She needs delete him from her friend list, or just go on without going through the process of blocking certain people. That process is unnecesarry. She knows why she's doing it when she's doing it, so how will that help her get over him? Will she continue to do this everytime? When will she finally stop? Just get him out of everything you can so you're not tempted, or let him know you're around but could care less that he is. I'd suggest deleting him as carhill suggests, but if you're into playing games, you can give him something to think about by not talking to him when he knows you're online. Maybe that will give you some strength and put a good smile on your face. Confused31 I understand your point of view. I am definately not into playing games, however I just can not bring myself to deleting him. I guess I want to leave him some avenue to contact me when he "oh behaves" I realize that day may never come, but I find it so hard to believe what I am feeling is so one sided.
WTRanger Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I haven't contacted him and won't, but some how I feel I'm putting too much effort into avoiding him for the sake of NC. I usually sign onto IM daily, but I go thru my list of friend and select who I would like to be able to view me online. I really don't want to go thru this step anymore. I should just be able to sign on and if he does contact I can continue to ignore. Am I making a rationalization in hopes he will contact me? If you are going to ignore him anyways, if he were to contact you, why have him on your list in the first place? Just delete him completely.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 With modern technology no one is out of contact forever. Simply typing a name into a search engine found me an affair partner lost to the nether for 17 years. A similar query found an LS'er whom I hadn't had contact with in over a year. You can delete everything and so can he and, someday, if circumstances are healthy, you can find each other again. It will be over when you *accept* that it's over. What do you do when someone dies? You process it. Eventually, you *accept* it. The memories of that person and who you were with that person live on in you. The end of a relationship is a voluntary or involuntary emotional death. Visualize the person being dead and gone. Bye-bye. With no means of noticing their existence or contacting them or being contacted by them, death is complete. Grieve and accept. My sneaky suspicion is you have unfinished business with this person. The relationship wasn't completely resolved as being mutually unhealthy. Having experienced both, resolution is a far healthier path to acceptance. Hope it works out
Author Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 If you are going to ignore him anyways, if he were to contact you, why have him on your list in the first place? Just delete him completely. I will ignore him if he continues to contact me in the inappropriate manner he has in the past. If he contacts me like a normal, respectable person then I may respond. I love him, but I'm so done being only an object of his sexual fantasy.
Rose T Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hi Juno and everyone else on the thread, Carhill and a few of the wise guys are giving you great advice... I must admit though that while I removed my ex from everywhere, I couldn't bring myself to take him off Skype. I'm not proud of the fact, but I guess I felt I wanted to leave one channel of contact open and we always used Skype a lot. So this is my weakness. I've been pretty strong in terms of NC and Skype hasn't affected that. The only thing I can suggest is that you rename him "X" so he drops to the bottom of your contacts list. Doing that has depersonalised him for me. I'm sure it sounds a bit sad but it was a stupid thing that has worked for me. I'm sure I'll get to the stage when I either delete him for good or don't care if he shows up. I'm definitely not giving great advice here, but if you can't bear to delete him, I'd suggest renaming him at the very least. Good luck with everything and yes, I would really advocate deleting him if you have the strength.
Author Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 With modern technology no one is out of contact forever. Simply typing a name into a search engine found me an affair partner lost to the nether for 17 years. A similar query found an LS'er whom I hadn't had contact with in over a year. You can delete everything and so can he and, someday, if circumstances are healthy, you can find each other again. It will be over when you *accept* that it's over. What do you do when someone dies? You process it. Eventually, you *accept* it. The memories of that person and who you were with that person live on in you. The end of a relationship is a voluntary or involuntary emotional death. Visualize the person being dead and gone. Bye-bye. With no means of noticing their existence or contacting them or being contacted by them, death is complete. Grieve and accept. My sneaky suspicion is you have unfinished business with this person. The relationship wasn't completely resolved as being mutually unhealthy. Having experienced both, resolution is a far healthier path to acceptance. Hope it works out Wow! As if I didn't have enough to consider, especially the part about unfinished business. Insight appreciated all the same.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 As an example of unfinished business, if I had finished my business 17 years ago and not typed that name into a search engine, my marriage wouldn't have been f*cked up by me. That's a great example of what unfinished business can do. Don't let it happen to you
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