willowthewisp Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hi all, been a while since I last posted. For those who don't know me I was with my ex for nearly 20 years and he left about 2 years ago now. I've been to IC and have feel that I have finally moved on and let go of any love I had for him. The counselling has really helped me to understand what happened and the issues that my ex had that has led him to do this and to move in his new GF really quickly after he left and propose to her. (I should mention this may not be true, as I heard it from an unreliable source). Anyway, things in my life are moving on. I have begun dating again and I had 5 lovely dates with one guy but sadly (because he is a really great guy) the romantic attraction was just not there for me. I also ran into an ex BF from highschool and went out with him, he turned out to be abusive and used to hit his ex, criminal record etc, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to be judgmental and believing people can change. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that he hasn't. My life is good in many ways, I'm progressing though school and have about 6 months left before I embark on a fanatstic new career and will be able to get my own place. But, I just feel like my life in some ways is miserable. I want to go out and meet people, but my friends are all couples and my one single girlfriend never wants to go out. I feel like I am going stir crazy, I go to school, come home, study, go to school, come home, study and on and on. Why has my ex found the first person he met after me and yet here I am, trying so hard to get on with my life and it seems no matter how hard I try I cannot get any further forward? Just venting I guess, it all feels so lonely right now.
iheartboobs Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 One of the hardest things to accept after a break-up (for me at least) is that you're not in a competition with your ex. It isn't a race to see who can find true love first. I know it hurts that your ex found someone else to use all those wonderful adjectives on that he used to use on you, and I know it's anything but fair, but the fact is that it only bothers you because you let it. So don't let it. Relax. Date. Have fun. Don't rush things and find Mr. Right. I mean, would you rather marry the next man you meet and find yourself divorced in another few years or marry the man you meet in a few years and have it last the rest of your life? Your ex found his soul mate before you did? Good for him! or **** him! Whatever.
Author willowthewisp Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 One of the hardest things to accept after a break-up (for me at least) is that you're not in a competition with your ex. It isn't a race to see who can find true love first. I know it hurts that your ex found someone else to use all those wonderful adjectives on that he used to use on you, and I know it's anything but fair, but the fact is that it only bothers you because you let it. So don't let it. Relax. Date. Have fun. Don't rush things and find Mr. Right. I mean, would you rather marry the next man you meet and find yourself divorced in another few years or marry the man you meet in a few years and have it last the rest of your life? Your ex found his soul mate before you did? Good for him! or **** him! Whatever. Nah, my ex didn't find his soulmate, my ex is on the rebound and in an avoidance relationship in an attempt to by pass grieving as has committment and intimacy problems. That's not really the issue I was getting at though. My problem isn't that I'm single, sure, I don't particularly like being single, but I am OK on my own and won't settle for second best. That's why I ended with things with the nice guy, it wasn't right for me and I ended it with Mr Abusive because he's abusive! My problem is that I want to get on and move forward even more than I already have (so over the ex, feel nothing for him, just completely indifferent to him and what he may or may not be doing, thank goodness because those first 18 months were hell), but I don't seem to ab able to find a way, a path to move my life further along. Does that make sense? Impatience I guess, I want to get out more and live and date etc but there seems no way of doing that?
iheartboobs Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I guess my confusion comes from this last bit from your initial post: Why has my ex found the first person he met after me and yet here I am, trying so hard to get on with my life and it seems no matter how hard I try I cannot get any further forward? That just screams: "He's winning the break-up and it's not fair!" Oh well... if you really are completely over him, then good. I guess that means your only real trouble is getting out there and finding someone. Tell your friends and family to keep their eyes open for someone. You said most of your friends are in relationships, right? Ask them to ask their men if they have any available friends. If you want to go out, then go out! I know it's weird to go out by yourself (especially when you've been a couple for so long) but you can. Join a gym. It's good for you and it'll help you meet new people. Find a bar to hang out at. It's not nearly as good for you, but still very social. Get a Facebook page or join an online dating community. You'll probably have to tell a few creeps to beat it, but you can meet some decent ones too. There are a lot of ways to meet people if you just get rid of your fear and go out and do it.
Author willowthewisp Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) I guess my confusion comes from this last bit from your initial post: That just screams: "He's winning the break-up and it's not fair!" Oh well... if you really are completely over him, then good. I guess that means your only real trouble is getting out there and finding someone. Tell your friends and family to keep their eyes open for someone. You said most of your friends are in relationships, right? Ask them to ask their men if they have any available friends. If you want to go out, then go out! I know it's weird to go out by yourself (especially when you've been a couple for so long) but you can. Join a gym. It's good for you and it'll help you meet new people. Find a bar to hang out at. It's not nearly as good for you, but still very social. Get a Facebook page or join an online dating community. You'll probably have to tell a few creeps to beat it, but you can meet some decent ones too. There are a lot of ways to meet people if you just get rid of your fear and go out and do it. I can see why that sounded like that but i didn't mean it that way. I am over him, like I said i couldn't care less what he does, he has choosen his path, made his bed and he will yet live to find out the consequences and when he does and he will, he's on his own as I have no interest in ever seeing or speaking to him again after the cruel and vindictive way he treated me, the guy made me homeless for starters! I realise that sounds angry and suggests I am not past it but unfortunately my IC tells me due to the way I was treated, my ex will probably always be a source of anger and pain to some extent, I have to learn to live with that, but I will not allow him to continue to effect my life. Perhaps I should have posted in the dating forum as this really has nothing to do with my ex but rather that I can't seem to move my life any further on? Doing all the things that you have suggested that I am able to do. Going to bars is tricky as a single women and no single GF's to go with. I've told all my married friends etc and they all say everyone is married. I've joined a sports club, I was doing online dating (that's where I met Mr Nice) but have given it a break for a while as there were a lot of sex pests to deal with (it's a free site, I'm a student at the mo, so I figured I'd wait until I can afford to pay for a better one). Guess I'll just keep plodding along, concentrate on school and keep my eyes open incase HE decides to make an apperance lol Edited January 18, 2011 by willowthewisp
worlybear Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hey Willow, glad to see your posting again! I understand where you're coming from as I am trying to meet new people too. Like you, I have met a few weirdos:sick: and a very pleasant guy but just don't feel any spark for him romantically so we're just friends. It would be good to meet someone but I'm not holding my breath- I think I've come to the conclusion that its unlikely to happen.(Now 2 years after D day.) Just getting on with living!
Author willowthewisp Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Hey Willow, glad to see your posting again! I understand where you're coming from as I am trying to meet new people too. Like you, I have met a few weirdos:sick: and a very pleasant guy but just don't feel any spark for him romantically so we're just friends. It would be good to meet someone but I'm not holding my breath- I think I've come to the conclusion that its unlikely to happen.(Now 2 years after D day.) Just getting on with living! Hi Worly, Thanks for the welcome. That's what I was trying to get at when I mentioned the ex, it irritates me that someone who treated someone else so badly can find someone so easily (albeit, a rebound/avoidance) yet you and I are shifting through all kinds of weirdos! I mean, I actually went out with a wife beater, gave him the beneit of the doubt only to find out the hard way he hadn't changed at all. That's why I am annoyed, not because he's my ex and it's a race. I hope there is happiness and someone for both of us in our lives Worly, if it's any comfort at all, a good friend just got engaged after her commitment phobic ex jiled her twice over 4 and half years and she has been dating a one loser after the next off dating sites for the last 3 years. We must keep the optimism alive, hard, but there must be someone out there for both of us.
just_some_guy Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hi Worly, Thanks for the welcome. That's what I was trying to get at when I mentioned the ex, it irritates me that someone who treated someone else so badly can find someone so easily (albeit, a rebound/avoidance) yet you and I are shifting through all kinds of weirdos! I mean, I actually went out with a wife beater, gave him the beneit of the doubt only to find out the hard way he hadn't changed at all. That's why I am annoyed, not because he's my ex and it's a race. I hope there is happiness and someone for both of us in our lives Worly, if it's any comfort at all, a good friend just got engaged after her commitment phobic ex jiled her twice over 4 and half years and she has been dating a one loser after the next off dating sites for the last 3 years. We must keep the optimism alive, hard, but there must be someone out there for both of us. Learn how to be there for yourself, how to be your own best friend and the rest will follow.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You are making great progress. You are on the verge of a new and exciting life. I know it is rough doing the same ole everyday, but in this instance it might be what you need to finish your school and reach your goal. A brand new fresh start. Maybe somebody is actually watching over you. Think of it this way, you start to get involved now, that could be baggege that you will drag into your brand new life. In my case, when I met my ex-fiance, I had been dating someone else, for quite sometime. She was a nice sweet soul that loved me to death, and wanted to marry me. Almost forty years later I am still haunted that I broke her heart when I said goodbye forever. She did nothing wrong to be hurt so bad. I can now see that was the beginning of my problem of not being able to make a hundred percent committment. So maybe it is best that you start you new life with a clean slate.
tobydog1 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hi Willow and Worly, I know how you feel! Even tho I'm in the early stages, I look at men and no-one gives me the spark he did. In fact there is only one guy I fancy and he is in CSI!!! But thinking back to when I was a lot younger, I got hurt, I met new chaps and yes fell for some too. It will happen again, someone will spark with you and you will be able to begin a new relationship. As my mum says, it will happen when you least expect it! And it will. I am confident that I will meet someone this year, I have a lot to offer the right man as you do too. Don't give up hope! He is just around the corner! x
2.50 a gallon Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Listen to tobydog. When I moved back home, most of my old friends were gone, married with kids, or moved. In order to stay in the dating game, I moved into a large apartment complex, with a large and active pool, also occassionaly hit the hot spots for socializing, dancing and listening to music, and caught a few parties. I met a few women and did some dating, but nobody special. Until one night after a hard days work, hot night, stopped in to get a cool drink for the ride home, and there she was.
Author willowthewisp Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 2.50 gallon, I just don't see how this is true, people keep saying this, stop looking and it will come. How? Today was my last counselling session, my IC told me I have moved on and am ready for a new relationship. We discussed at length how I feel about wanting a relationship and he told me my desire is healthy and not out of neediness. That doesn't mean to say I will not still have my moments re the ex but WOW am I glad I am finally over this and moving on with my life. Advice to anyone just setting out on this nightmare, get IC. Don't wait, don't delay, just go, you will be amazed at how much the process helps you to recover YOU.
sumdude Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I understand how you feel. My ex married the OM practically the same day our divorce was official. It's been four years since she left and well.. I'm single. At this point I've forgotten what it's like to have someone in my life that way. But I live my life, have fun, see friends, go out and work on projects that keep me interested. I've had no contact with her since my dad passed over 2 years ago. Every once in a while I still wonder why it worked out this way. Fact is? It doesn't matter. I'm pretty indifferent to whether or not she's doing well or not. That's the healthy place to be but takes a while. Sounds like you're doing pretty well over all. Keep it up!
hopesndreams Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 my IC told me I have moved on and am ready for a new relationship Relationships are overrated. There is no greater thrill than being able to make it on your own and finding happiness from within. When you are fully healed, that is the time for a new relationship. I'm just not there yet. Glad to hear someone is.
Author willowthewisp Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 my IC told me I have moved on and am ready for a new relationship Relationships are overrated. There is no greater thrill than being able to make it on your own and finding happiness from within. When you are fully healed, that is the time for a new relationship. I'm just not there yet. Glad to hear someone is. Hi H&D, Perhaps you aren't and only you really know if that is the case, but I would like to just tell you something that my IC explained to me. I know your story and I know your XH left you in an extremely hurtful and cruel way, as did mine. What my IC helped me to understand is that I may NEVER fully put what he did to me in the past, that is to say that being "over it" and "moving on" is not necessarily how we might imagine it to be. When a person is treated so badly by the person they loved and were committed to for life, it is inevitably going to leave a mark. Whilst the pain, hurt and anger will recede in time, realistically it is probably ALWAYS going to be a source of pain, hurt and anger and this will come at low moments or at times when we expereince strong emotions such as happiness, at times of change in our lives or maybe just because something jogs a memory in us. Moving on, being healed, doesn't necessarily mean feeling nothing, it means you feel indifference but accept the reality that sometimes you are going to feel the hurt, pain and anger of what they did.
trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Willow, What you share here is so true, I still have issues with raised angry voices and yelling. There are times when I can just remove myself from it and be okay, and then there are times when it can literally go straight to my nerves. It can happen anywhere, in a store, in an airport, in the mall, at work....it's a trigger that I know I have as a condition of 15 years of conflict. The thing is, recognizing it and learning ways to cope. And those things take time.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Willow I too understand about the scars, perhaps that has something to do with me taking 15 years to get back into a permanent relationship. Also the reason that meither my GF or I ever to marry again.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Willow I think you misunderstood my post. When I moved back home, I did not stop looking, and was in fact putting myself out there to meet somebody. And had even did a little dating. My point is that none of them ever paid off. About meeting my present GF: I had worked in the area for almost a year. I had driven by that store almost nightly but never stopped in. She had just started there, and had taken the third shift on a temp basis, and within a couple of weeks she did go to days. So I had only a short window of opportunity to meet her, as I would never have stopped there during the day. What I am trying to say is don't give up looking, but at the same time, it seems as if the best relationships seem to come from a happenstance meeting, when you least expect it. Think about this, had I been on the hunt, I would have been freshly showered, shaved and scented, hair combed nicely, and nice clothes on. In stead when we meet I am tired, dirty with dirty clothes on, and no doubt in need of a bath I know what you look like, you are hot, you are intelligent and very caring. I am sure that your social life is going to make a great change as soon as you complete your studies and move out on you own. That is when Willow's star is going to begin to shine. For now concentrate on completing that journey If you haven't found a steady in a year, I suggest that you move over here the guys will love you
Steadfast Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 When my marriage broke apart (17-years) a friend of mine told me to handle it the way someone would who lost a spouse to an accident or disease. Those that suffer through that (like the betrayed) have no say in it. The point he was trying to make was you don't have any choice but deal with it. So, deal with it. I can see that reasoning, but the hardest thing to overcome was; it was her choice to leave. She chose to have an affair, leave me and kids and basically scrap our family unit at the time. It would, my morbid reasoning decided, actually be easier to deal with if she was gone...at least then I could hold onto something. But the fact is...my friend was right. In the long run it really doesn't matter what or who caused the split, only that we accept that it happened. Yes, not of our choosing and yes, out of our control. It is reality. There's no shame in being single. In fact, I'm starting to respect and appreciate those that are more than ever. For those with the right mindset, that status simply means they have not met someone with whom they connect with. Maybe they're picky, or extra careful, or just smart enough to realize how someone needs to be to appeal to them. Settling for something else, just to keep from being alone isn't very smart. This board is full of those who've made that mistake. Whatever he is willow, he is. It's out of your hands. Normal curiosity is normal, but anything more than that is wasting precious energy. Confidence is attractive.
hopesndreams Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hi H&D, Perhaps you aren't and only you really know if that is the case, but I would like to just tell you something that my IC explained to me. I know your story and I know your XH left you in an extremely hurtful and cruel way, as did mine. What my IC helped me to understand is that I may NEVER fully put what he did to me in the past, that is to say that being "over it" and "moving on" is not necessarily how we might imagine it to be. When a person is treated so badly by the person they loved and were committed to for life, it is inevitably going to leave a mark. Whilst the pain, hurt and anger will recede in time, realistically it is probably ALWAYS going to be a source of pain, hurt and anger and this will come at low moments or at times when we expereince strong emotions such as happiness, at times of change in our lives or maybe just because something jogs a memory in us. Moving on, being healed, doesn't necessarily mean feeling nothing, it means you feel indifference but accept the reality that sometimes you are going to feel the hurt, pain and anger of what they did. What is bolded. I cannot do. I refuse to accept it and have been working very hard on completely obliterating him from all memories. When my mind goes over the `10 wasted years of my life spent with that man, I purposely cut him out of those memories. He needs to be out of my head, forever. For the last few months, there have been no dreams of him, which is so wonderful and I pray that continues. The same bad memories do play over and over in my head though and it drives me crazy! I have replaced or thrown out whatever he had touched or seen. I threw away all pics of him and the books he wrote. I am moving into a new apartment next month just so he won't know where I'm living anymore. I never want to see him again and one day, I will never think of him. One day, I won't sign onto LS. That will be the final thing I do to rid myself of him forever.
trippi1432 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hugs H&D....you never have to accept the actions that cause you hurt and pain, those actions are what you put behind you and make them not present in your life anymore...you are working towards that and it's a good goal. I think what Willow is trying to convey is that there will come a time that a trigger will happen in the future....with someone new, a place or an event. As you put the offending actions of that person behind you, it will make you stronger in the future to be indifferent to the those bad memories.
worlybear Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hi Willow and everyone. Really struggling today. I am so mentally exhausted- I mean, really,what is the point? Saw my oldest son yesterday (who is living with STBX ,OW and her 10yr old daughter as terms of his parole-long story.) Met him for a coffee with my youngest (9yr old.) It was so hard to see him,knowing that he is living with them. Its really difficult to chat as it feels as if theres an elephant in the room, which we are ignoring. It upset my daughter too, she was pleased to see him but hated the thought that he was going back to live with them and cried bitterly on the way home. I can't see that life will ever get better. I feel old,tired,used up and sorry for myself. Kick me,please.
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