deadhead88 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hello everyone. As some of you may know I recently found out my ex is with someone else. Because of this I keep having very painful thoughts of her and this new guy having sex. Everything I thought that was just for me, is now with some other guy. I keep wondering if he's better than me and all of these other negative thoughts. I was just wondering how to cope and get through these thoughts that are destroying my self confidence. Thanks in advance.
Stilicho Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 thats a killer man, i feel the same way, although i dont think hes better than me or whatever, its more the idea and feeling of betrayal, you know? especially if its soon after. it also lessens the importance of what you had together in the past in your mind.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 ... its more the idea and feeling of betrayal, you know? especially if its soon after. it also lessens the importance of what you had together in the past in your mind. Exactly! My ex slept with another girl 3 weeks (probably sooner) after breakup and I felt our relationship like a joke, because it meant nothing to him.
Juno Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) My ex contacts me and tells me frequently that he misses me sexually and all the others do not make him feel the way I made him feel. He obsesses about me sexually...so he says, but we are still not together. So you see, validation or not makes no difference. To help me not dwell on him with someone else, I just view what he is doing with the another girl as a basic human bodily function. Nothing more, nothing less. Edited January 18, 2011 by Juno
Movingthrough Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Had this problem too at one point, not really thinking of the physical act but just the idea of wow if you can move on so quick and do that stuff then what we had must not be that important. The reality is, nowadays sex is not meant like it was, its very easy for people to look at it as something you do now in a relationship - thats it. My ex when we first did it which was no lie like the first few days, didnt ever seem "over the top" about it, like i could tell this was something we "had" to do because we were going to be together. I have always been very active in bed but some people really look at it like well this is what you do. What im getting at is, dont look at it as this love thing, its what you do nowadays and if she is doing it that quick after....well take that how you want. Sometimes the acts that hurt us so much prove what we dont want.
cj2 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 My ex contacts me and tells me frequently that he misses me sexually and all the others do not make him feel the way I made him feel. He obsesses about me sexually...so he says, but we are still not together. So you see, validation or not makes no difference. To help me not dwell on him with someone else, I just view what he is doing with the another girl as a basic human bodily function. Nothing more, nothing less. I like this idea. I found it pretty difficult as well when I first found out my ex was with someone else, particularly as it was someone I knew. I was pretty much sick on the spot at the very thought actually. But you know what, without meaning to sound arrogant or vain, she told me after she had left that I was the best she ever had and this new guy is not what I would call a looker. So whilst she may be enjoying the newness of it all at the moment, I've got through it by telling myself that there will be that little nagging voice in her head that say's "this isn't the same".
Rose T Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hello everyone. As some of you may know I recently found out my ex is with someone else. Because of this I keep having very painful thoughts of her and this new guy having sex. Everything I thought that was just for me, is now with some other guy. I keep wondering if he's better than me and all of these other negative thoughts. I was just wondering how to cope and get through these thoughts that are destroying my self confidence. Thanks in advance. I really feel for you, because my ex left me six weeks ago to be with someone else, so I went through the same thing. The complicated bit is that he's now asked for a second chance, which has helped repair my self-esteem a bit (although I'm not going to go there). What I've realised now, though, is that all that anger and hurt had a purpose. Yes, it does feel awful, really awful, and while I would never suggest that you dwell on it, somewhere down the line, that thought and that hurt is going to help you detach from her. Try not to feel destroyed. Allow yourself to be angry. No-one has the right to touch your self-esteem. Also, she's not your problem any more, not just the good stuff, but all the crap as well. Remember that she was a whole package and you've lost a whole lot of pain, even potentially worse than what you're feeling right now, by getting out of the relationship now and not further down the line.
marqueemoon4 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 It pains me to think she is terrible in bed with some other dude.. NOT
illusionoflove Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I feel this pain too. I don't know if my ex has slept with anyone, but just the thought that he had someone over at his house has my mind racing. I was going okay with our break until I realized he was already bringing "friend's over. He may or may not have slept with her, I don't know. What I do know is that it feels like the worst betrayal of our long term relationship because it has only been a few weeks and the memories of the holidays are still fresh. I know that I have no claim on him now, but it does feel like a deep referendum on our relationship. It feels like I meant nothing and "we" meant nothing. I woke up last night with several dreams. In one dream I came upon his house and the police were searching it for (who knows what) and there was a new woman there. In the dream, I felt compelled to stay but in the house were now pictures of her and the entire feeling of the dream really unsettled me. I wish I could shake this off but I think it will be a while. So, I do feel for you and you are not alone in your pain.
Denillad Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I too struggled n continue to struggle with that thought. He isn't my only ex but the only one I have had these thoughts about. I dreamt some crazy things about them, he is the first guy she has ever been with( he is 32 n she is 22) Though I know she isnt great in bed(he said so) it's no consolation cause she has what I wanted him n that's what's painful. He would tell they hadn't have sex n all but yet he is fine in the relationship. He would come to me for sex n I fell for it cause it was the only thing we shared n it was an intimate act for me but I had to end that cause it made me feel awful to consider that's all he wants from me. The dude talked about getting me pregnant when he goes to bed with this girl every night. It took me too long see this is not the man fell in love with and I'm just selling myself short. Try not to think about it, cause it will tear u apart. You have to try to control it thoughts. I agree with Juno, it just what people do in relationships, its nothing more. It says nothing about their relationship. Edited January 19, 2011 by Denillad
Denillad Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I too struggled n continue to struggle with that thought. He isn't my only ex but the only one I have had these thoughts about. I dreamt some crazy things about them, he is the first guy she has ever been wish. Though I know she isnt great in bed(he said so) it's no consolation cause she has what I wanted him n that's what's painful. He would tell they hadn't have sex n all but yet he is fine in the relationship. He would come to me for sex n I fell for it cause it was the only thing we shared n it was an intimate act for me but I had to end that cause it made me feel awful to consider that's all he wants from me. The dude talked about getting me pregnant when he goes to bed with this girl every night. It took me too long see this is not the man fell in love with and I'm just selling myself short. Try not to think about it, cause it will tear u apart. You have to try to control it thoughts. Edited January 19, 2011 by Denillad Sorry for multiple postings
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Yeah, it bugs the **** out of me too sometimes ... but then I think back to him telling me how with us it was the best sex he'd ever had (based on his performance, I actually believe him) and a part of me laughs because he was 38 and that's a long time of ****ing practice and that's his BEST. However ... I also think uhm ... Can I say the same for him? Was it the best? No, not so much. If it took him 38 years to find me, I hope he goes back to ****ing starfish.
GreenPolicy Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 It's tough. In the case of my ex, we had both agreed that we wanted to get married. The relationship unfolded like it should up until about a month before she dumped me, when I began to solidify plans to formally propose. It's no coincidence that she broke things off right at the time we were going to take the next logical step in the relationship. Whenever I start to think about her, I just tell myself that I'm not missing out on a wedding and a honeymoon and a happily ever after. I instead picture myself sitting at a table in a conference room with her and our lawyers present while I sign divorce papers. I picture myself dropping my kids off at their mom and stepdad's house on Sunday night whereupon I drive back to my one-bedroom apartment. Or I picture her calling things off right before the wedding, after the chapel was booked and the invitations were sent out.
GreenPolicy Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Also you will replace your ex and get laid again yourself someday. It's not a race.
Author deadhead88 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I know it's not a race. It's just really really hard. Especially because the reasons she gave me for the breakup was not because she didn't love me anymore, but because she wanted to move at the end of this year when she graduates college and accomplish goals that she has in life, and how she just wasn't happy here and doesn't like her life. She kept saying how the breakup is just as hard on her because she still loved me and that if she was going to be with anyone it would be but she wanted to move. Then I find out she's with some new guy and looks really happy. So everything she told me just seems like total bs now. It is a feeling of total betrayal and it seems like everything we had for over a year was meaningless and now this guy, who doesn't even know her or what we had gets to be with her. It feels like she stabbed me in the back.
richbad08 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Had this problem too at one point, not really thinking of the physical act but just the idea of wow if you can move on so quick and do that stuff then what we had must not be that important. The reality is, nowadays sex is not meant like it was, its very easy for people to look at it as something you do now in a relationship - thats it. My ex when we first did it which was no lie like the first few days, didnt ever seem "over the top" about it, like i could tell this was something we "had" to do because we were going to be together. I have always been very active in bed but some people really look at it like well this is what you do. What im getting at is, dont look at it as this love thing, its what you do nowadays and if she is doing it that quick after....well take that how you want. Sometimes the acts that hurt us so much prove what we dont want. Maybe your right about everything you've said. For example Not every girl who i have had sex with I loved. Some were either one night or we were both turned on and kinda drunk. I don't have **** buddies though and chose not to because it can go wrong in my opinion. Yes it seems true about now and days people see sex as just sex nothing more. Sad to say because if me and my ex had sex i wouldn't know if its sex like passionate the way I see it with her or just sex through her eyes. Confusing situation so Its hard to even think about her and someone else. I feel your pain just like anybody else here.
Juno Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Maybe your right about everything you've said. For example Not every girl who i have had sex with I loved. Some were either one night or we were both turned on and kinda drunk. I don't have **** buddies though and chose not to because it can go wrong in my opinion. Yes it seems true about now and days people see sex as just sex nothing more. Sad to say because if me and my ex had sex i wouldn't know if its sex like passionate the way I see it with her or just sex through her eyes. Confusing situation so Its hard to even think about her and someone else. I feel your pain just like anybody else here. I don't feel people see sex just as sex and nothing more. I think people do have sex as a testing/proving ground to determine if true chemistry exists before moving forward with establishing a relationship. It is a tool, a guage and if true love does not bloosom from it, then no foul. Fun was had by all...hopefully.
bl22 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I don't feel people see sex just as sex and nothing more. I think people do have sex as a testing/proving ground to determine if true chemistry exists before moving forward with establishing a relationship. It is a tool, a guage and if true love does not bloosom from it, then no foul. Fun was had by all...hopefully. This is so true.
richbad08 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I don't feel people see sex just as sex and nothing more. I think people do have sex as a testing/proving ground to determine if true chemistry exists before moving forward with establishing a relationship. It is a tool, a guage and if true love does not bloosom from it, then no foul. Fun was had by all...hopefully. Yeah except my ex doesn't want a relationship and she's been single for 5 months. And I know she's had sex with other guys ( Don't know how many or who) but She still single. She's even told me that to her sex isn't a big deal that its just sex. For me I have had sex with a few girls when I was just horny and I wanted some so Im sure some people do it because there horny as well. Not saying everyone is like that but im sure thats the case for some people.
Juno Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Yeah except my ex doesn't want a relationship and she's been single for 5 months. And I know she's had sex with other guys ( Don't know how many or who) but She still single. She's even told me that to her sex isn't a big deal that its just sex. For me I have had sex with a few girls when I was just horny and I wanted some so Im sure some people do it because there horny as well. Not saying everyone is like that but im sure thats the case for some people. True, but in this case people are either in a chemically or hormonal altered state, either by alcohol consumption, recreational drug use (or not), or hormonal imbalance induced by a long absence from sexual activity.
richbad08 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 True, but in this case people are either in a chemically or hormonal altered state, either by alcohol consumption, recreational drug use (or not), or hormonal imbalance induced by a long absence from sexual activity. Yeah long absence from sexual activity is why I have sex but feel no "real love" to those women. For her though I don't know thats were im confused. I know for sure it isn't drugs or alcohol because she isn't like that.
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