J0N Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Honestly, I do not know what has taken over me recently. I feel like my ex just used me towards the end of our RL, I helped her move into her new apartment and ran all over town picking up stuff she had bought on CL like huge dressers etc. I keep thinking about everything I did for this girl, the list is taller than the Empire state building. I feel so angry, that she hasn’t reached out; I want to call her and give her a piece of my mind. How can this b!tch just abandon me to go to California, on a f***ing whim? I have heard, accidently (buddy brought her up in convo) that she has been going out and having the time of her life, and she is telling everybody how excited she is to get the f*** out of where I live. He then tried to assure me that it wasn’t a big deal, it’s been three months and I should be about over it by now. He also told me that he is pretty sure that there isn’t another guy, weather that was true or not I have no idea, and I REALLY DO NOT want to know. I have found out that some of my friends hang out with her, and nobody tells me anything. They just don’t invite me when they do. I feel like I am the butt of all the jokes etc. We were all in a big mutual friend group, and I did ask them not to tell me anything. I have been *mature* about this the entire time. I have not called her, I have been totally respectful. But she totally used me, and I feel like I am dangerously close to breaking NC. The girl I thought I dated for two years would have never acted like this. Tomorrow marks 90 days of NC, and in two days it will be 100 days since I last saw/talked with her in person. I still feel like this just happened, like I am never going to get over her. Thoughts of her still keep me up at night sometimes. I guess I just need some support and encouragement. I am so sad, I feel so lost without her in my life. I feel like such a pansy.
marqueemoon4 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Honestly, I do not know what has taken over me recently. I feel like my ex just used me towards the end of our RL, I helped her move into her new apartment and ran all over town picking up stuff she had bought on CL like huge dressers etc. I keep thinking about everything I did for this girl, the list is taller than the Empire state building. I feel so angry, that she hasn’t reached out; I want to call her and give her a piece of my mind. How can this b!tch just abandon me to go to California, on a f***ing whim? I have heard, accidently (buddy brought her up in convo) that she has been going out and having the time of her life, and she is telling everybody how excited she is to get the f*** out of where I live. He then tried to assure me that it wasn’t a big deal, it’s been three months and I should be about over it by now. He also told me that he is pretty sure that there isn’t another guy, weather that was true or not I have no idea, and I REALLY DO NOT want to know. I have found out that some of my friends hang out with her, and nobody tells me anything. They just don’t invite me when they do. I feel like I am the butt of all the jokes etc. We were all in a big mutual friend group, and I did ask them not to tell me anything. I have been *mature* about this the entire time. I have not called her, I have been totally respectful. But she totally used me, and I feel like I am dangerously close to breaking NC. The girl I thought I dated for two years would have never acted like this. Tomorrow marks 90 days of NC, and in two days it will be 100 days since I last saw/talked with her in person. I still feel like this just happened, like I am never going to get over her. Thoughts of her still keep me up at night sometimes. I guess I just need some support and encouragement. I am so sad, I feel so lost without her in my life. I feel like such a pansy. I don't know if this will be any consolation, but I feel my wife used me for years, invested tens of thousands of dollars in her, and she rolled on me with our son and I have to pay her around a grand a month for the foreseeable future. Be glad at least the bleeding has stopped. Pick yourself up and meet some new wimmen!!!
D78 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Don't break NC J0N!!! You've maintained NC for 90 days!!! Don't start all over. You shouldn't feel like a pansy. Most people do things for folks they love. You couldn't have anticipated her flaking out after you were done moving things for her. The only person who should feel bad about that is her. It seems like you will never get over it, but you know you will. Just look at all the folks on LS. We're all progressing, at different rates, two steps forward one step back style... The fact that you started this thread instead of breaking NC shows how strong you are. Nothing she could say will make you feel better. If you contact her, won't you just be doing more sh*t for her? Good luck!
Author J0N Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 @D78 I won’t break it. I would spend months kicking myself for doing it. Also, I just don’t think I have the strength to go through this again. I just get so p*ssed off sometimes when she is on my mind and won’t leave. I did so much for her, which is why I am so shocked. Once, when her parents were out of town and she was busy her little sister got appendicitis, she was in so much pain that she couldn’t drive herself to the hospital. I drove an hour out to their house, and brought her sister to the hospital. I spent 17 hours with her, and my ex showed up after about 10 hours or so. We stayed until her sister was discharged. I had an exam the next day, which strangely I did really well on lol. But this is just one of the hundreds of examples of bending over backwards for her and her family. I thought through doing things like this she would see that I was committed to not only her but her family as well. I must also add that this was not entirely one sided, she did a lot for me and my family as well. We used to talk about growing old together. We even had the weirdest things in common, like the fact that we both really like black olives. When I was 15 years old, I lost one of my best friends to leukemia. That was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I do not want to take anything away from that but I would have to say that the pain I have felt (recently with BU) is equal to what I felt then, except in that situation EVERYBODY was in pain and grieving his death. I almost feel like my ex did in fact die, but just to me, but this time around I am the ONLY one who is feeling it. At this point my friends don’t listen anymore when I bring her up and they suggest changing the subject. The hardest part for me to get over is the fact that our relationship had a depth to it which I have never felt or shared with anybody else. I thought that we were absolutely meant to be, and as far as I knew she did to. Then she comes back to the city where I live to go to grad school and in the period of a month or so she totally flips a 180. She decides that “we should go our separate ways.” She broke up with me over text messages and hasn’t so much as even looked back. I just do not understand how this is even possible. Then the icing on the cake is how she seems so happy and is counting the days until she moves to California… I felt like our whole relationship was some kind of fake illusion that meant nothing to her. Like I never meant anything to her.
D78 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Good to hear that you won't break NC. You certainly did go out of your way to do things for her and her family. ... I do not want to take anything away from that but I would have to say that the pain I have felt (recently with BU) is equal to what I felt then, except in that situation EVERYBODY was in pain and grieving his death. I almost feel like my ex did in fact die, but just to me, but this time around I am the ONLY one who is feeling it... I was just thinking about this last night. I've lost friends, family members, a dog, cats, and countless hamsters (as a child - I'm not completely weird ). None of those losses hurt me the way this break up has. I felt bad thinking that, but it's true. I can understand that people die. They are gone, so you accept that you won't see them again. But, my ex is not dead. He lives 5 minutes away. He just chose to stop seeing me. I don't understand why. The closest pain I've experienced is when a loved one committed suicide. I really wanted answers, but I knew I would never get them. Even if knew, I probably wouldn't understand. It just leaves you in WTF land. ... She broke up with me over text messages and hasn’t so much as even looked back. I just do not understand how this is even possible... First off, I say we institute a policy where all people who break up via text message, FB, or email are taken out back and beaten with shoes. I think people walk away without looking back because they are ashamed that they gave up on the relationship. Unless she has completely lost her mind, she will feel guilty. I wouldn't be surprised if she contacts you later to apologize.
heel_ing Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hang in there man. I'm 3 months in and it does seem like it gets harder. In fact, my own theory, at least for myself, is that we are traversing the 'stages of grief', and the first couple of months are spent in shock and then depression, then when that lightens, theres the ANGER stage. I'm in the anger stage right now. I have to fight myself to not send a ****ed up text or email, or drop off a handmade gift she made for me at the door of the apt we used to live at, or throw that thing at the door one day. What's ironic is she is cool, and was upfront about things in the dissolusion phase of the relationship. I'm just angry that its over, that she moved on, that I suffered so much, that she has an easier time dating. Pure ego Anger has a higher amount of energy than grief, and is the step above it, and is the mask for grief and sadness. It is actually good in that it galvanizes and motivates. However, it probably shouldnt be acted on directly, but the raw energy used for a good purpose or at least dissipated by beating pillows and howilng at the wind.....
bboy Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Understandable it's irritating your ex moved to California and being "all great". How do you make a small child stop crying? You just throw them a new toy. It is the same thing here. But even California will become old. Even there everything that is new and shiny, will become old and boring. It is just a matter of time.
Author J0N Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 @D78 You do make a lot of good points. I really want answers to a lot of my questions, but I am simply unwilling to break NC. I don’t think I can handle it, plus if I do find out that there was another guy this whole time I might totally lose it. I honestly wish no pain on my ex, and I have a rule about hitting girls (NO! lol). However, even though this sounds immature, I do sincerely hope that she at some point in her life or another feel the kind of rejection and just overall *****t!ness that I currently feel. I hope that she gets out to CA, realizes that she knows nobody and wishes that she never went. Obviously she is a very attractive girl, so I am sure that at least the guys out there will make sure that she is not lonely. This whole breakup has effectively destroyed the past four months of my life and I don’t see the pain going away anytime soon. I feel that what she did was very childish and selfish. I know that I cannot expect anyone to be with me just because they would feel bad about leaving. But she could have at least explained it to me, and talked to me face to face. I will never know if what you said in the end of your post is the case or not. I broke up with a girl in HS; when I went to college and I basically just told her one day that I want to experience college life, single. She was devastated, that was years ago. I did reach out a couple times; basically saying that I was sorry and I would like to be friends. She told me to go f*ck myself. So who knows? I honestly I wish I could talk to her about this whole situation, but as I said we are not friends. I honestly still feel bad about that sometimes, I feel like a real dick for just pulling the rug out from under her so suddenly. I feel like my current ex is too much of a coward to ever reach out to me, she couldn’t even tell me to my face how she truly felt. @heel_ing I know what you mean about being angry. I switch around from the phases, angry, sad, depressed, denial, etc. You’re at least lucky that your ex told it to you straight, instead of blaming everything on you trying to justify her decision to herself. Also, your ex didn’t leave you via text messages. I know it’s not much better, but at least your ex cared enough to be upfront with you. I have found healthy ways to release my anger, usually by running on a treadmill for a while until I am so tired that all I want to do is just lay down on the couch. This whole situation is just f*cked.
stopthemadness Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Jon, i read your posts all the time and I feel your pain. But what am about to say is gona throw everyone for a loop.So hold on. I see a therapist once a week and i told her about the whole No Contact thing. She thinks that insisting on No Contact and never reaching out to the exs at some point for unanswered questions ISNT healthy.If your up and cant sleep and eat or what ever and all you gota do is contact them to ask a question or whatever, then why wouldnt you do that so you could feel better. Even if they dont answer, you'll feel better for even trying. But just do this the one time. No Contact is a painful thing. Believe me when its over, its over. Dont I know that. One time reaching out isnt gona change that. Am just saying, think about it. Theres no one fix for everyone. And you sound like your in alot of pain, one email cant make it any worse. But except to get rejected too cause thats a reality that surely will happen too. I know how everyone on here feels about N/C like its always the answer, am just saying smtimes its not.
Kansas Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I see a therapist once a week and i told her about the whole No Contact thing. She thinks that insisting on No Contact and never reaching out to the exs at some point for unanswered questions ISNT healthy.If your up and cant sleep and eat or what ever and all you gota do is contact them to ask a question or whatever, then why wouldnt you do that so you could feel better.QUOTE] OK stopthemadness, I both agree and disagree with this. Firstly, I don't think that it's the unanswered questions that are stopping us from eating, sleeping etc., I think it's the hurt of the break up. Sure, we might not have all the answers, but I think we tell ourselves, "oh, if we only knew this or that" then that would make us feel better. Not the case. The only thing that will make us feel better is having that person back in our arms, really. I believe that NC is healthy if it helps you to heal and we can't do that with the person there. However, if we have reached a place where we are less emotional and still have questions, and are capable of handling seeing the ex without it putting us into a tailspin, then I beleive in breaking NC IF it helps us to move on. I had closure with an ex 1.5 years after we broke up. We buried the hatchet and at that point there, was no point hiding anything anymore so both he and I spoke the total truth and could even even laugh about it. We never talked again after that.
dng Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) Jon, i read your posts all the time and I feel your pain. But what am about to say is gona throw everyone for a loop.So hold on. I see a therapist once a week and i told her about the whole No Contact thing. She thinks that insisting on No Contact and never reaching out to the exs at some point for unanswered questions ISNT healthy.If your up and cant sleep and eat or what ever and all you gota do is contact them to ask a question or whatever, then why wouldnt you do that so you could feel better. Even if they dont answer, you'll feel better for even trying. But just do this the one time. No Contact is a painful thing. Believe me when its over, its over. Dont I know that. One time reaching out isnt gona change that. Am just saying, think about it. Theres no one fix for everyone. And you sound like your in alot of pain, one email cant make it any worse. But except to get rejected too cause thats a reality that surely will happen too. I know how everyone on here feels about N/C like its always the answer, am just saying smtimes its not. I agree with you here, to a point. My ex left me also out of the blue. I was so shocked that I didnt even realize she left me with no explanation until recently. She kept calling me but she would never explain anything. Just drop some hints about what her current situation was, etc. It was never clear to me what had happened and what I knew was only pieced together from the bits and pieces she told me. I finally emailed her why I thought she left and to my surprise, she replied faily quickly with a line per line correction of my original email. I was pretty close mostly and obviously there's always more with her, but I had enought to work with. It did help me move on, in a sense. Her reasons are rubbish and childish and stem from a few months of a nine year relationship, but they are her reasons. Its so weird but I've very recently started to see her in a completely different light and I think breaking NC here and there allowed me to see that and make a decision for myself. Otherwise, I would know nothing and still think she was the right person for me. She never was. It all depends on the person and situation, and there's a time and a place for NC - like now for me, I got nothing more to ask and nothing more to know. I agree to stay NC while you are still under shock, but when your brain starts functioning again, its not unreasonable to seek for answers. In the long run, you wont pine all your life for the one that got away if you get why its over. In my case, I had simply assumed, without thinking, that she left because I was a bad person and I lived with that for months. Not terribly good for the ego. Edited January 21, 2011 by dng
stopthemadness Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Yes thats what am talking about. Everyone is different and no you cant reach out excepting them to come running back, Cause guess what ? It isnt gona happen, and you gota know this going in to it. Iam going through all the healing phases fine. No i dont talk to my ex alot, but once and while ya we speak, or email. Am still getting through this breakup and excepting it for what it is OVER! I will very soon wish him well. But it aint 2day. Am just saying smtimes N/C isnt for everyone. I totality knew i would get grief for my opinion on this. But people gota know both sides so they can decide.
Author J0N Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I won't give you any grief. If I could remain in touch with my ex and get over her I would. The fact of the matter is that I can't. People are different, if you can get over her and remain in contact... Power to you, I wish I could do the same.
stopthemadness Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) There is no question in my mind that we will ALL heal from these breakups. Its just getting through all these tuff times that really suck. I still cry smtimes, At first i was mad and wouldnt let myself cry. But now if it comes on, i dont stop it because I learned that crying is a part of healing. So Ill cry if i want to untell I no longer can cry for this man. YES i know he aint crying for me! But this healing process ISNT about him its about me. I also wanta say that am feeling much better then I did months ago. At first i didnt sleep didnt eat the whole nine. I say that so you guys will know that it does get better we just have to let it. And we need to work on us, figure out what will make us feel better. This healing process is about US not them. We need more of, I did this and felt better. or I did that and it helped. I do see a therapist but guess what? it didnt start helping me untell I let it. I still have sad days, but I have good days too. Hope you feel better... Edited January 21, 2011 by stopthemadness
dng Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Yes thats what am talking about. Everyone is different and no you cant reach out excepting them to come running back, Cause guess what ? It isnt gona happen, and you gota know this going in to it. Iam going through all the healing phases fine. No i dont talk to my ex alot, but once and while ya we speak, or email. Am still getting through this breakup and excepting it for what it is OVER! I will very soon wish him well. But it aint 2day. Am just saying smtimes N/C isnt for everyone. I totality knew i would get grief for my opinion on this. But people gota know both sides so they can decide. AH you are so drunk right now.
Good Arms Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'm really sorry for your pain, but I can see you've really learned a lot from this, like me. And you've got a lot of strength despite the way you feel, you're really doing all the right things with maintaining NC. I understand how it feels to see them move on so quickly, flaunt their happiness, as though they completely forget you in an instant. It seems to happen again and again to people, don't think it's a reflection on YOU, it says a lot about their true nature I guess, which we're blinded to when we're so in love. It all leads to a lot of questions you want to ask them, but you know for your own good and self respect you have to leave them unanswered. My ex also sees mutual friends sometimes, and the thought of that alone is upsetting. I wonder if they talk about me, what she's said etc. I deliberately avoid talking about the break-up to them as I don't want things to be fed back to her. I hope she has enough respect for me not to talk about it, or not pin everything on me. When I was 15 years old, I lost one of my best friends to leukemia. That was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I do not want to take anything away from that but I would have to say that the pain I have felt (recently with BU) is equal to what I felt then, except in that situation EVERYBODY was in pain and grieving his death. I almost feel like my ex did in fact die, but just to me, but this time around I am the ONLY one who is feeling it. At this point my friends don’t listen anymore when I bring her up and they suggest changing the subject. Like you, I've come to realise a relationship breakdown is like a death, but in my opinion more painful. And you've nailed it on the head, while bereavement is absolutely tragic and painful, generally it affects a lot of people who share the pain. And somehow you just have to accept that it was fate, while when someone dumps you it's like they've died only to you, and that seems so utterly senseless and the worst thing someone can CHOOSE to inflict on you, whatever their reasons. Even being dumped in person, I don't truly understand her decision. There are always unanswered questions, "whys" and "what ifs". Two months on and my heart still can't accept that she's left me, even though I know in my head that she has. It feels like I'll be in this state of shock and disbelief forever. I hope I'm wrong. It's tough when friends are uncomfortable hearing about your loss, the pain is yours and yours alone to deal with But I guess most people have been through this at some time in their life.
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