blizzard Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 For those of you that have decided to stay in your marriage "for the kids" what is like in your home? How do you feel? How do you and your spouse "operate." How long do you intend to live this way? This is also a thread for those teetering on the edge of staying or leaving your marriage but hesitate because of the fear of what will happen to your kids.
What_Next Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 A lot of people do it. I strongly considered it when I initially discovered my wifes affair. I quickly decided against it. A child would rather be from a broken home rather than growing up in one. In the end children are happiest when their parents are happy.
denise_xo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 A child would rather be from a broken home rather than growing up in one. I second this. My parents divorced, to a large extent due to my father's infidelity. I think I was better off that way.
Too Much Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I, too, am in the same situation. Read an article in Time that says a new study finds children actually do BETTER in a bad marriage vs. a god divorce, PROVIDED the bad in the marriage does not involve abuse (physical and verbal). I'm having a HARD time "pulling the trigger" because of my concern for the kids. But, I'm dying inside living in the situation I'm currently in.
blasteroid Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I lived like that for a long time, knowing my wife was lying and pretending I couldn't tell the signs. i waited until i seen enough. In the end, i made a decision for ME, i'd given everything to the kids within the relationship but it was a poison well we were all drinking from. I never had sisters, so i think that put me at a disadvantage, i couldn't go and talk to woman and get some clarity, guys ALWAYS give you the macho guy one liners 'leave her'..'you can stay in mine, 'i can't believe you're goin back' etc'. A womans perspective can be a help.
hopesndreams Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Those that stay "just for the kids" are robbing their children of what a healthy, loving relationship can look like.
lee777 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I was separated from my wife most of last year. Right after the separation I went a little nuts. I thought we may get back together, but it would be because of our kids. Oh boy, was I ever wrong. My heart changed and our marriage is better now than ever before. The passion is off the charts ... this after 18 years of marriage.
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I was separated from my wife most of last year. Right after the separation I went a little nuts. I thought we may get back together, but it would be because of our kids. Oh boy, was I ever wrong. My heart changed and our marriage is better now than ever before. The passion is off the charts ... this after 18 years of marriage. That's truly beautiful...what made your heart change so and how long did it take?
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Those that stay "just for the kids" are robbing their children of what a healthy, loving relationship can look like. That is how my brain thinks...I just wish my heart would catch up. Inflicting pain or disrupting the lives of your little ones is so hard to do...right now they just want a mom and dad. They don't understand the dynamics of a married couple yet. But, I know modeling a loveless marriage is instilling the wrong message to them. I want to so badly to show them the way love should be... I only wish it could be with their own dad.
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I lived like that for a long time, knowing my wife was lying and pretending I couldn't tell the signs. i waited until i seen enough. In the end, i made a decision for ME, i'd given everything to the kids within the relationship but it was a poison well we were all drinking from. I never had sisters, so i think that put me at a disadvantage, i couldn't go and talk to woman and get some clarity, guys ALWAYS give you the macho guy one liners 'leave her'..'you can stay in mine, 'i can't believe you're goin back' etc'. A womans perspective can be a help. I am a Psychologist for IC, secretly. And yes, this is the goal we are trying to reach..."ME." I have the personality that puts everyone else on top and me at the bottom... I don't have many male confidants. The ones that do influence my life are the ones that are heartless...they believe that a man's worth is work...and little wifey should just "know her place" which is housework. To just be appreciative that your husband works, doesn't drink, and comes home every night. Funny thing is that they will agree on how he needs to man up in our situation though..but they will still make excuses for him. Blaming it on just "being a man" and to accept it. Blah. I say let a man marry him then.
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) I, too, am in the same situation. Read an article in Time that says a new study finds children actually do BETTER in a bad marriage vs. a god divorce, PROVIDED the bad in the marriage does not involve abuse (physical and verbal). I'm having a HARD time "pulling the trigger" because of my concern for the kids. But, I'm dying inside living in the situation I'm currently in. Me too TM. It's a slow death isn't it. I tried the quick route though and it wasn't successful. It just seemed to send everyone in a frenzy and dubbed me crazy and irrational. A neighbor stopped in one day and was talking about something utterly different than relationships. But his point was, TAKE IT SLOW. No matter how long it takes, do things the right way. Otherwise, you always end up back at square one. And from my previous attempt, that is exactly what happened. Well, I applied taking it slow to my life and my marriage. And it's working. When I look back, I was irrational...there wasn't a plan. Now, I have started school again, and found a mediocre job with benefits and decent pay. It's a stepping stone for now. But yes, being the bad guy pulling the trigger is the worst feeling in the world when it involves your children. You worry how the kids will adapt now and in the future. Will they hate me when they are 16? Blame me? After all, my husband says I am the one at fault if I divorce...that I am the one breaking up our family. And being alone and raising children is absolutely scary. But I am coming around on this...once again it's a slow process. IC has been a Godsend in letting go and not taking the entire blame in my failed marriage. In reading and observing I have noticed one thing that remains constant...it is the relationship between the parents that divorce that truly factor whether divorce "damages." The second observation is change. Too much of it. If parents are amiacable, it is best to have children maintain some sort of structure or routine that they are familiar with... Edited January 21, 2011 by blizzard
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 A lot of people do it. I strongly considered it when I initially discovered my wifes affair. I quickly decided against it. A child would rather be from a broken home rather than growing up in one. In the end children are happiest when their parents are happy.[/QUOTE] Yes WN...When you get to the root of it you are exactly right. When he is gone, my kids are the happiest with me because I am happy. The entire household runs smoothly. The moment he returns a cloud of doom, anxiety, sadness and anger takes over and hovers above me. I find myself busy cleaning and doing whatever to just avoid "us" and to escape what I feel inside. In turn, this makes my kids crazy for attention...crazy for fun mom back.
Author blizzard Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) We have been seperated since June 09. My husband is so complacent with the way things are now. We have not been intimate since last May. He lives on the opposite side of the house. My family foots the majority of our bills because he won't get a small part time job. He goes to work, to the gym and back home. That's it. No kidding. He told me three months ago that he thinks we should just forgive and forget. That I am great mom and that I am desireable to him. That he knows that he hasn't treated me right. That he can change. But what he didn't do was look me in the eye....and say "I love you." So, two months ago he asked if he should stop trying...are we ever going to reconcile our marriage. I made it clear that no, our marriage can't be saved. That we have no intimate or emotional connection. We never did. The things that need to be changed are so instilled in him...it dates back to how he was raised or some sort genetic or personality disfunction. He was molded to love the way he does... And we just continue to live. He won't file. It's like he is waiting for me to be the bad guy. Why would he do that? Why is he content living this way? I'm not. He knows it. But he sees that I am trying so hard to do something about it. I have finally found a job...now I just don't know if I can pull trigger because of the kids. Edited January 21, 2011 by blizzard
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