ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) ok i am new here. here is my story. me and my bf have been living toghter for more than 1 year. i told him i wanted to take a break with him to sort things out at the end of nov cuz my ex bf of 5 years wants me back! the same day he found a place to move in i changed my mind. 2 days he moved out i told him i want him back. seemed like he is giving me 2nd chance. we are not living together now. but he would try to see me almost everyday. but i can feel things are not the same anymore. then we had a talk. he told me he's still angry with me for what i did. he cant leave me but he cant still forgivie me either. then i proposed he could go on dates for 2 months and come to tell me he is with me or leave me. he took the offer and signed up a dating website right away. he is quite active on the dating website now yet he comes to see me almost everyday (he hasnt got a date yet i guess). i dont know what to do. should i pretend busy when he wants to see me? or should i make myself available to him anytime he wants to see me? does he still love me? will he come back after 2 months 100% free time? pls help! give me insight how man thinks in this situcation? thank you! Edited January 18, 2011 by ASIANRAINFOREST
What_Next Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Did you sleep with your EX? Pardon me for asking, but how old are you both? I take it there are no children involved? After living with him for 1 year you wanted to see if the grass was greener again? I also find it odd that you would offer him the chance to go and "date" for 2 months? That seems like a ridiculous suggestion. More information might sense out of this.
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 yes, i had have contacted with my ex for about 2 weeks before i told my bf. i couldnt stand doing things behind him then i told him. yes, i did have sex with my ex during that time and after i told my bf(the day after, once only). after i said to my bf i changed my mind i want him back. he asked me some questions like that and i told him the truth. he was sad and angry big time. we are both in our 40s. he is never married and i am a single mom(ex is not my child's father). we talked a lot after that. i told him why i did that. how sorry and regret i am. i beg him back. im grateful he is giving me 2nd chance. i will do what ever it takes to get him back to trust me again, i cut loose with my ex totally and i told him that. he is happy when he is with me. we have great time and great sex when we are together. but i expected things back to normal too fast from him. then when i found out thats not the case and i made a silly mistake about that 2 months 100%free dating other women!!! now i am sufering when i see him online dating. ironically, we met from the dating website 14 months back! now i live a day at a time. dont know what future holds for me and him. but one thing for sure, i am totally over my ex now! im very happy for that. my ex is an abusive bipolor. i was told i had an addictive love for him before. one thing i am glad is i finally over him now. what will be the next for him? will he ever forgive me and trust me again? i will trust him if he comes back even he has sex with other women just for sex. thank you what_next for ur insights.
TigerCub Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 You're in your 40s?! I really thought you would be early 20s from the sounds of this post... anywhos...I'm surprised that your bf took you back, you told him that you slept with your ex, and you told him that you wanted to be with your ex, then changed your mind. My guess is that your bf is with you simply because he doesn't want to be alone and therefore is just settling for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, its not meant to, but he obviously has no self respect or self esteem and judging from what you said about how he's online dating, and yet sees you everyday (he's not getting any other dates) - that's why he's with you. So...now that he's settled for you, are you gonna settle for him (knowing that most likely he's with you cuz he can't do better)? Also, as far as everything going back to "normal", I think you're expecting it to happen too fast. Would you be back to "normal" if the shoe was on the other foot and he left you for a few days to be with an ex that he cheated on you with? I dunno - I'm sorry to say, but chances are, they will never really be back to normal, things will get better in time, but probably not be the same again, because although he doesn't have it in him to walk away, I'm sure he's holding a lot of anger and resentment towards you for how you treated him, and I'm guessing, at some level he's hating himself a little for taking you back. Just my guesses, I really don't mean to sound mean or rude or anything, just what I would guess is going on. Did he ever ask you why you "momentarily" chose the other guy? Did he ask you anything about what really happened? Do you try to make things up to him and reassure him that he indeed is the guy that you want to be with (I mean other than giving him a 2 month pass to find another girl?) Do you think that maybe talking to a couple's cousellor might help - I mean, do you think he'd be open to the idea? Would you be? Does he even trust you these days? If it was the other way around, do you honestly think that you would be where he's at and you'd be back to "normal" with him ever?
Distant78 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 ok i am new here. here is my story. me and my bf have been living toghter for more than 1 year. i told him i wanted to take a break with him to sort things out at the end of nov cuz my ex bf of 5 years wants me back! the same day he found a place to move in i changed my mind. 2 days he moved out i told him i want him back. seemed like he is giving me 2nd chance. we are not living together now. but he would try to see me almost everyday. but i can feel things are not the same anymore. then we had a talk. he told me he's still angry with me for what i did. he cant leave me but he cant still forgivie me either. then i proposed he could go on dates for 2 months and come to tell me he is with me or leave me. he took the offer and signed up a dating website right away. he is quite active on the dating website now yet he comes to see me almost everyday (he hasnt got a date yet i guess). i dont know what to do. should i pretend busy when he wants to see me? or should i make myself available to him anytime he wants to see me? does he still love me? will he come back after 2 months 100% free time? pls help! give me insight how man thinks in this situcation? thank you! So basically you cheated on him and instead of him dropping you and going NC with you, he goes the immature route and is now cheating on you? My suggestion for you is to break up with him because now both of you cheated, and it seems like he's acting out on what you did to him and is still upset about it. I would be on his side if he just broke up with you and found someone else but now he's the very thing that's made him resentful in the first place. This situation is only going to get worse and like another said, I thought you guys were in your 20s also. End this.
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 pls see my reply below in between your lines: You're in your 40s?! I really thought you would be early 20s from the sounds of this post... anywhos...I'm surprised that your bf took you back, you told him that you slept with your ex, and you told him that you wanted to be with your ex, then changed your mind. My guess is that your bf is with you simply because he doesn't want to be alone and therefore is just settling for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, its not meant to, but he obviously has no self respect or self esteem and judging from what you said about how he's online dating, and yet sees you everyday (he's not getting any other dates) - that's why he's with you. So...now that he's settled for you, are you gonna settle for him (knowing that most likely he's with you cuz he can't do better)? Also, as far as everything going back to "normal", I think you're expecting it to happen too fast. Would you be back to "normal" if the shoe was on the other foot and he left you for a few days to be with an ex that he cheated on you with? I dunno - I'm sorry to say, but chances are, they will never really be back to normal, things will get better in time, but probably not be the same again, because although he doesn't have it in him to walk away, I'm sure he's holding a lot of anger and resentment towards you for how you treated him, and I'm guessing, at some level he's hating himself a little for taking you back. --- I think you might be right about this one. Just my guesses, I really don't mean to sound mean or rude or anything, just what I would guess is going on. Did he ever ask you why you "momentarily" chose the other guy? -yes Did he ask you anything about what really happened? - yes Do you try to make things up to him and reassure him that he indeed is the guy that you want to be with (I mean other than giving him a 2 month pass to find another girl?)-- yes. i didnt know what to do. i had that "2 months free offer" before i read this useful article. i did almost everything listed in the article. i also printed out and read almost everyday since.( http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair) Do you think that maybe talking to a couple's cousellor might help - I mean, do you think he'd be open to the idea? Would you be? --- i have suggguested that to him,even on my cost. but he didnt say anything. i guess its a no? Does he even trust you these days? ---i am an open book for him now. he said to me i could date in these 2 months too, but i turned that down. i said i wait for him. If it was the other way around, do you honestly think that you would be where he's at and you'd be back to "normal" with him ever? --- i dunno. i think i will be with him if im happy with him regardless of the affairs.[/QUOTE]
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 So basically you cheated on him and instead of him dropping you and going NC with you, he goes the immature route and is now cheating on you? My suggestion for you is to break up with him because now both of you cheated, and it seems like he's acting out on what you did to him and is still upset about it. I would be on his side if he just broke up with you and found someone else but now he's the very thing that's made him resentful in the first place. This situation is only going to get worse and like another said, I thought you guys were in your 20s also. End this. u are very straight forward. i like that. thank you! we just seem so happy together now, so in love... i want to give a try anyway because i really love him, if he is not leaving me.
TigerCub Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 yes. i didnt know what to do. i had that "2 months free offer" before i read this useful article. i did almost everything listed in the article. i also printed out and read almost everyday since.( http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair) Do you think that maybe talking to a couple's cousellor might help - I mean, do you think he'd be open to the idea? Would you be? --- i have suggguested that to him,even on my cost. but he didnt say anything. i guess its a no? Well the article sounds helpful - it does have good suggestions (I was gonna point out how it doesn't suggest the 2 month date anyone period ) - then I noticed that you said you read the article after you made that deal. Look, you need to talk to him. If you're really serious about getting back on track and having a good R with him, you need to put an end to the 2 month dating spree, you need to go see a relationship counsellor, and you need to both be on the same page with regards to what you both want out of this R and if you both think its fixable. As far as your questions about being there for him, or not being "available" - I think that's game play. If you really want to get this R right, he needs to stop the online stuff, and you guys need to be available to each other, and figure things out together. Its good that now you're an open book and you do seem to be trying (in your own way) to make ammends, but he has to be on board with really fixing things as well. Good luck
What_Next Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Perhaps English isn't your first language and that is why your posts read like someone much younger. I am still left a little gobsmacked by your offering to your SO. From my perspective this was rather odd. How will you come to terms with it if he finds someone and has sex with them? I think your communication is fundamentally broken down. You need to work on that first and foremost.
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Well the article sounds helpful - it does have good suggestions (I was gonna point out how it doesn't suggest the 2 month date anyone period ) - then I noticed that you said you read the article after you made that deal. Look, you need to talk to him. If you're really serious about getting back on track and having a good R with him, you need to put an end to the 2 month dating spree, you need to go see a relationship counsellor, and you need to both be on the same page with regards to what you both want out of this R and if you both think its fixable. As far as your questions about being there for him, or not being "available" - I think that's game play. If you really want to get this R right, he needs to stop the online stuff, and you guys need to be available to each other, and figure things out together. Its good that now you're an open book and you do seem to be trying (in your own way) to make ammends, but he has to be on board with really fixing things as well. Good luck thank you tigercub. ur reply really got me thinking. i am going to have a serious talk with him. in fact, i already wrote him an email after i read ur reply this morning and told him how i felt. he replied me back and say sorry and agreed we should talk. thank you so very much again!
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Perhaps English isn't your first language and that is why your posts read like someone much younger. I am still left a little gobsmacked by your offering to your SO. From my perspective this was rather odd. How will you come to terms with it if he finds someone and has sex with them? I think your communication is fundamentally broken down. You need to work on that first and foremost. what_next: u r right:) English isn't my first language. about that offer,that was another stupid thing i did following cheating on him. i didnt know what to do. he either. we were such a mess. he still doesnt know what he should do with me now. and u r right again. we have to work on our communication. he likes to keep things in. he is probally bottled up his anger and feelings. its going to be a hard and long way to go if we want to keep the R. thank you! will keep u posted.
Author ASIANRAINFOREST Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Well the article sounds helpful - it does have good suggestions (I was gonna point out how it doesn't suggest the 2 month date anyone period ) - then I noticed that you said you read the article after you made that deal. Look, you need to talk to him. If you're really serious about getting back on track and having a good R with him, you need to put an end to the 2 month dating spree, you need to go see a relationship counsellor, and you need to both be on the same page with regards to what you both want out of this R and if you both think its fixable. As far as your questions about being there for him, or not being "available" - I think that's game play. If you really want to get this R right, he needs to stop the online stuff, and you guys need to be available to each other, and figure things out together. Its good that now you're an open book and you do seem to be trying (in your own way) to make ammends, but he has to be on board with really fixing things as well. Good luck we had a talk. he told me he doesnt know what he wants and what to do. he said he wont be getting off the dating website for now. he is still very angry with me. but he is very happy with me 90% of time, he said. what should i do now? should i go NC with him? or just standby, see him whenever he wants? talk to him whenever he calls? some friends told me to go on dating too, just to kill the painful time, not thinking about him. i dont think its wise to do that now. what do u think? pls, pls help me...give me more advise....
Recommended Posts