RobF Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 My ex and I got together just over 4 years ago, we met through friends a short while after she moved to my hometown to work and live. We fell in love pretty quickly, and it wasn't long before we moved in together. We lived together for 2 years and did everything together. During this time she always said that she wanted to move home (Sweden) at some stage - she missed her family, but wanted me to come with her. I always said I would. Just over a year and a half ago she moved back home and we said our tearful goodbyes. I stated that I would follow her in the not too distant future. Since then we have been in a LDR which has worked okay really, the objective at the end being that I would move over there eventually. I have visited her and she has visited me, we have called, emailed and texted. We loved each other so everything was okay. My intention has always been to move, but I also have a bad habit of putting things off, this stems from a mixture of being too laidback to a fear of the unknown/change. I said to myself this time last year that I would move in the summer, in the summer I said the autumn, before Christmas I said after Christmas. So she dumped me the other day, understandably she said she can't wait forever. She said she loves me but it's too hard. Said in all the time she's been waiting for me to make the move, she's been seriously lonely and has had a lot of time to think. She has given all she can to the relationship and can't go on. This is all my fault. I know people are going to say 'if you really wanted to you would have gone' but believe me I want/wanted to move, just hadn't got around to it because of the reasons given. I'm a fool and now I have nothing because I took the relationship for granted and didn't think about how long she would wait for me. Can anyone give me some advice on what to do? I desperately want her back already even thought it's only been days. I can't imagine us not being together in the future. I am convinced she and I would still be as in love with each other if we together again. Naturally I have said I would come over asap because this has been the fright that I needed to stir me into action, but she is saying that its got to a point where we cant go back now, again I think that she understandably still has no faith in me coming. She has said there would be no point in me coming over now because she doesn't even know if it would work out now, because she has been on her own so long, and wouldnt want me to come over for nothing. It shouldn't have come to this.
Rose T Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think she is saying "don't even bother coming now" because she has lost faith in your words correlating with actions. It's clear that if you want to have a chance to mend things, you need to go over there, with plans to stay a couple of weeks and research the possibility of working there etc. On the other hand, it's also possible that once she says it's over then she really has reached a decision that you won't be able to change. If you believe in the relationship, though, you're only going to find out either way if you go over there now. It's not going to be easy either way, but the time has come for you to take action. That's what I'd do. You need to be face to face and you have to be on her turf to talk things through. If she's worth it, go now and good luck.
Atlantico Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 RobF: Take the first plane to Sweden an pay her a short surprise visit. See if she changes her mind and work from there...
marqueemoon4 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 RobF: Take the first plane to Sweden an pay her a short surprise visit. See if she changes her mind and work from there... wow, thats a real gamble. What if he gets there and she's with another man? That would be a tough flight home.
Atlantico Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 wow, thats a real gamble. What if he gets there and she's with another man? That would be a tough flight home. May well be, but suppose she is not and really gets emotional about the visit, he showed her that he cares so much he fled to see her. as for now he already has got the big NO, so he can´t lose anymore besides a nasty surprise, but so is life my friend...
DustySaltus Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) I've been in your position and I can tell you that the only way to show her you're serious is by moving over there. But before you jump into any decisions you need to really take a step back and look 5 years into the future. This is something that I didn't do and it cost me in so many ways. Ask yourself these questions: Can you see yourself living over there indefinitely? Do you know the language? Will it be easy for you to find a job? Are you ok with relying on her solely for at least 6 months? Also just as important, is she willing to allow you to be dependant on her? Is your love for her strong enough to overcome these issues? Do you just want what you can't have? Are you trying to be a hero? Does she even want to try at this point? Don't base a LIFE CHANGING decision on impulse. You delayed the decision for months, ask yourself why? Sit back and ask yourself these questions. If you feel that she's the one, all you can do is take your shot. But just remember that you had NUMEROUS times where you could've pulled the trigger and didn't. Just make sure you buy a round trip ticket, just in case. Do you know anyone else in her country, just in case you need a place to stay? Edited January 18, 2011 by DustySaltus
Graceful Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 The fact you never put a plan together and stuck to it tells me volumes about the relationship and I am sorry to say, but you don't sound either mature enough or responsible enough to pull this off. This is the sort of thing you would have been planning for months and months in advance, and you let all the time slip away. Every time you saw her during the LDR, you would have been implementing the plan, in parts. Something was holding you back. Complacency, perhaps. Laziness, perhaps. There was no sense of urgency for you to keep your word? That wasn't important to you? She doesn't want you now b/c it's as though you are responding to an ultimatum, pressed against the hard reality of her dumping you. That would not be the way I would want someone either. This must not be the way you are in just the relationship, either ... you need to examine why you didn't move sooner and more willingly. If you really loved her, you would have moved heaven and earth to be with her. I suspect your love for her is not that strong, she has fallen out of love with you b/c the love she had drained out of her when you did not keep your word. Lesson learned. This ship has sailed. Very sorry, if you go to see her, go to apologize and say a proper goodbye, but don't go with any other expectations. Also, Dusty's advice is what you would have needed 18 months ago. It's obvious sound advice from someone who has been there, but sadly, it's too late. My intention has always been to move, but I also have a bad habit of putting things off, this stems from a mixture of being too laidback to a fear of the unknown/change. I said to myself this time last year that I would move in the summer, in the summer I said the autumn, before Christmas I said after Christmas. Naturally I have said I would come over asap because this has been the fright that I needed to stir me into action, but she is saying that its got to a point where we cant go back now, again I think that she understandably still has no faith in me coming. I honestly don't think you want to move. Just my two cents. Good luck, I feel for you, but if you did not use the past 18 months to get yourself ready to make a change, making it now is not going to work. Acting out of panic mode is the worst thing you can do right now.
Author RobF Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for the input folks, it really helps @Atlantico & Rose T: I have thought about both options, believe me. Just showing up though, I don't know, could go wrong because at the min I don't know if she's as final as she said or if she means it. Also she's in college Mon-Fri and working part-time evenings and weekends, so she might not even be there when I arrive! @marqueemoon: I'm 99% sure that this girl is not with someone else. Can you see yourself living over there indefinitely? Do you know the language? Will it be easy for you to find a job? Are you ok with relying on her solely for at least 6 months? Also just as important, is she willing to allow you to be dependant on her? Is your love for her strong enough to overcome these issues? Do you just want what you can't have? Are you trying to be a hero? Does she even want to try at this point? You delayed the decision for months, ask yourself why? Do you know anyone else in her country, just in case you need a place to stay? To answer the above: - I actually can see myself living over there. It's a beautiful country with a great quality of life. She is from Stockholm and everything you could want is within reach. - I know very little of the language at the moment, the basic words and phrases. This would not be a major issue though, nearly everyone speaks fluent english. Re: jobs, there are loads of multinational companies based in the city offering english speaking roles, don't think it would be impossible to get work - I don't think that I would be dependant on her to be fair. I've spent quite a bit of time traveling over there, both when we were together and after she went home. I know her family and a few of her friends really well, I'm good mates with her brother who is the same age as me. There are sports clubs etc that I have looked into in the past that I could see myself joining. I'd be pretty active and independent anyway. - Is my love for her strong enough? I think so yes - from my above answers you can see that I think these issues would be surmountable. - Do I just want what I can't have? No. I never cooled on how I felt about her, even though I (def) didn't show it. - Does she even want to try? I don't know. I hope so. Maybe I have left it too late. - The reason I delayed making this move, I think, fear. The aim never changed in my mind, but when I would attempt to properly think about it and make plans, I would get a lump in my throat a little because of the issues involved. I always make a mountain out of a molehill anyway, and when it was something like emigrating, it became a massive thing in my mind, even though in today's world it's really not that big of a deal or as final as it once was. I took the relationship for granted and kept putting it off. - As said above I know a couple of people over there, all friends and family though. @Graceful: I don't blame you for thinking like that, I really don't. It doesn't look good and I know that. Everything you have said there is true..but I can't accept that it's over. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, I just think because I wasn't looking at her face every day it made it easier to keep putting it off.
Atlantico Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Like a previous poster said, yeap it puzles me a bit how, if you love her how on earth could you postpone moving for so many months. Sorry I would equate that with "I dont love you enough". Kinda tough...anyway call her saying you are in your way to the travel agency to buy a ticket to do a flash visit...
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