jane100 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Very brief. 6 week online relationship, quite intense, two dates. second date i go back to his place, a bit of kissing and "making out" but nothing major. Next day he accuses me by text of being a "tease" and basically ends it saying he hopes i find someone else to "play games with". I had explained i just couldn't have sex with someone i didn't know better but he just ignored that. My question is: we have all heard about guys disappearing after sex-too-soon, but what about when they disappear when you don't have sex early LOL! (i think there were other issues though he was very attracted to me). Any experience of this kind of disappearing i.e. BEFORE sex, any explanations? I am very curious and obviously very naieve about all this. thanks. Edited January 18, 2011 by jane100
bolase Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 no similar experience, but I can understand it from both your points of view. What I don't like is what he said to you - he could have been mature and upfront about it on your first actual date; that he was not looking for a relationship, just some casual intimacy. To expect that and fail to communicate it wasn't fair to you. Had you learned much about each other prior to meeting, or really just flirting?
denise_xo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I don't think you are naive. Everyone is different. Some men want sex fast even if they're 'serious', some ditch you if you have sex fast. Just figure out what YOU are comfortable with, and steer that line confidently.
Author jane100 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 thanks for helping me clarify. i am actually feeling pretty emotional about it. he was the one who seemed to insist that i was special and that there was something special going on.
Jazzari Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I agree with bolase. There was no need for the guy to be insulting and it really shows his lack of maturity. I think you were smart to wait.
Cee Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 This guy sounds pretty horrible. He spends 6 weeks wooing you online and then is pissed off that he didn't get his "booty prize." Ugh, I'm sorry you went through that. I agree with the other posters. It isn't about going slow or going fast - it's about going at a pace that you find comfortable.
oaks Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Next day he accuses me by text of being a "tease" and basically ends it saying he hopes i find someone else to "play games with". I had explained i just couldn't have sex with someone i didn't know better but he just ignored that. He didn't get any so he creates some blame where there isn't any and makes it "your fault" when it isn't. Nothing wrong with what he wanted, but since it wasn't what you wanted then you're not compatible and you've found that out early on. He didn't need to be rude like that afterwards - that's just childish. Don't think badly of him for longer than it takes to delete his number - he isn't worth the effort! Just move on.
Author jane100 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I agree, it is like he blamed me, though I think he understood very well I was coming back for a kiss and not sex. Thank you for the reality check. Just puzzled also because he started out insisting he wanted a "relationship" not sex as he could get that any day of the week ... no prompting from me, i couldn't care what people want as long as they are up front, i am open to honesty
FreeToBe Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think going back to his place or your place sets some sort of expectation that sex is a go... The woman I am dating and I ended up back at her place at the end of date two... We ended up in her bedroom getting pretty hot, BUT she cooled things off and said she wasn't ready for that yet. To me, this showed she had some self-respect and wasn't afraid to show it... not a bad thing at all. We cooled down and I left (FYI - date three ended differently ). This guy sounds like an idiot and a baby - feel happy that you found this out so soon. To have expectations of sex on a second date is pretty bold in my book...
Author jane100 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) i've deleted his number. BTW, i should add we are in our 40s and 50s, not teenagers ... Edited January 18, 2011 by jane100
FreeToBe Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm close to 40 too, and it never fails to amaze me. The dating scene at this age (especially after a long time out of it) is goofy at best. The lack of maturity in people who are seemingly adult... wow. Good choice on losing this guy... He sounds like a dope. Hang in there.
Cee Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I second that maturity isn't linked with age. The most sexually immature men I've dated were in their late 40s.
miracgirl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 This happened to me too with someone I really liked and it devastated me. In my situation the guy wanted oral sex on our fourth date and I didn't want to. He dumped me after that and I regretted my decision. It took me a lot of time for me to realize this guy couldn't be that into me if he dumped me over that. I liked him so much though.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 OP, a suggestion: Next time, eschew the 'six week, quite intense online relationship' for a date IRL as soon as 'intense' enters your mind. What happens is, during that 'online' period, images and desires are built up in the mind, as well as virtual 'familiarity' and, depending on the psychology of the person, can translate into sexual aggression and desire. A true sexual aggressor wouldn't have waited six weeks, although it's possible (probable) if he was that good online, he was f*cking other marks in the meantime. So, if you meet someone online, get on well, then meet them IRL in a safe public place and begin 'dating' in public. No reason to go to each other's 'places' for a good long time. Good luck
Eddie Edirol Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Just puzzled also because he started out insisting he wanted a "relationship" not sex as he could get that any day of the week ... no prompting from me, i couldn't care what people want as long as they are up front, i am open to honesty Problem is he knows that if he told you from the beginning that he only wanted sex and nothing else, you most likely wouldnt entertain that. So he has to put up the blinders over your eyes....which was everything he said. Better he bailed before the sex rather than after it.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Very brief. 6 week online relationship, quite intense, two dates. second date i go back to his place, a bit of kissing and "making out" but nothing major. Next day he accuses me by text of being a "tease" and basically ends it saying he hopes i find someone else to "play games with". I had explained i just couldn't have sex with someone i didn't know better but he just ignored that. My question is: we have all heard about guys disappearing after sex-too-soon, but what about when they disappear when you don't have sex early LOL! (i think there were other issues though he was very attracted to me). Any experience of this kind of disappearing i.e. BEFORE sex, any explanations? I am very curious and obviously very naieve about all this. thanks. Sorry to hear about this... he sounds like a garden-variety whiny bitch with questionable seduction skills. Being too eager and pushy, and then whiny and petulant when he doesn't get his way, are signs of immaturity and insecurity. In a roundabout way, he's done you a favour by showing you his true colours early on. Next. I will say, however, that going back to a guy's place on a second date does risk setting up certain expectations if you don't address the issue in advance. That's not your fault, but it does happen. Next time you're with a guy on date #2 and he proposes going to his place or yours, you should verbally set some limits before you go ahead with it. The guys who just want sex will probably bail; the higher-quality guys will be cool with it.
Author jane100 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) All sensible points - makes me feel like a bit of an idiot not to have seen it all coming (and at my age it makes me feel really sad too). The reason there was intensity online between the two dates, etc was because of long Christmas/new year holidays - but I agree its better to try and avoid that because a kind of sexual aggression does build up - he pursued fast and strong which is maybe a clue in itself. I shouldn't have gone back though I thought it was pretty clear that it was just to hang out for a short time and kiss. For him this was simply a euphemism for full sex. With hindsight, despite his declarations, I really think he did mainly want sex. What kind of man in his early 50s carries on in this ridiculous way. I am very, very disappointed though - I will move on but its gonna be an effort, despite all the madness, you do get a connection you have to say adios to. Edited January 18, 2011 by jane100
Sw3etdev1L Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 If he is interested in YOU as a person, he will wait no matter how long, just to be with YOU, the entire you. If he wants to run away after the second date because he didn't get laid, he doesn't want to commit.
Nexus One Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 If he is interested in YOU as a person, he will wait no matter how long, just to be with YOU, the entire you. If he wants to run away after the second date because he didn't get laid, he doesn't want to commit. This. He wanted you for pleasure, not for you.
frizzo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Did he pay for the dates? He probably feels as if you failed to uphold your end of the agreement and simply scammed him for free dinners and entertainment. He just didn't want to throw good money after bad in my opinion.
Author jane100 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 who is the misogynst creep above? i guess every website has one or two, ick. but thanks for the previous posts by warm intelligent people - v. helpful and great for perspective.
NYCGirly Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Dude did you a huge favor. At least you found out what a jerk he is before you went and had sex with him. I would send him cookies for that.
I am healed Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 you should write on your online dating profile. I am not looking for casual sex. He sounds like a chump to me.
Author jane100 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) NYC girl, you're right, i should bake some cookies, but i will probably eat them myself they will be so delicious. The guy is pursuing me again now can you believe it? Now he's had his temper tantrum about me being a "cock-teaser". True. You couldn't make it up... Edited January 19, 2011 by jane100
daphne Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 NYC girl, you're right, i should bake some cookies, but i will probably eat them myself they will be so delicious. The guy is pursuing me again now can you believe it? Now he's had his temper tantrum about me being a "cock-teaser". True. You couldn't make it up... Sounds like his manipulation didn't work and he's back to try some other tactic. At least it's entertaining.
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