810 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) how wrong is that? Recently, I have a man asked me, "What are you thinking?" I looked at him, smiled and shook my head indicating that it wasn't important. He asked again, "Tell me, what's on your mind?" For the first time in my life, I have a man asked me that. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Do guys ask their dates that? I realize that it is unusual for females to have their emotions contained like I do. I'm a talkative person. I laugh a lot. I share stories with friends. I make conversations with strangers on the street. I'm not shy. However, it appears that I'm always in some sort of control. I don't cry. I don't praise. I don't bitch. I don't nag. I don't pick fights but I stand my ground when needed to be. I don't share my emotions freely like most females do...with men...so I was told. I am imperturbable. Do I need to work on my communication skills? I tend not to praise people often. I can hold a conversation but didn't feel the need to voice my opinions with certain people. I've been told that men are intimidated by me. I don't understand why. It's not like I'm not being hit on by guys or anything, I mean I had 2 guys asked me out on a date, 1 asked for my number and 1 ...well I cut him off before he made a pass at me all happened in 3 weeks. I don't do online dating thing so these were off-line. I understand their fears of rejection. I myself have the same fear too. It's been 2 years since my last serious relationship, I go back to dating world and having fun with just hanging out with guys, dinner and movies etc. but when I'm at the most happiest, I have this sinking feeling like I'm going through a break up and it hurts so bad. It feels good to acknowledge that I can feel what I'm feeling for someone again but I feel my heart breaks at the same time. Am I emotional unavailable? Am I not ready to date? What gives? It's the 12AM rant on a very early Tuesday morning. Seriously, is it the norm or do I need to see a shrink for this sort of thing? Is it the compatible issue I'm facing? Anyone been in the same kind of situation? Edited January 18, 2011 by 810 blah...
shayan Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I fell in love with a girl just like you and I appreciated the strength and unique quality of being with such a no-drama girl. However it became hard being with such a gaurded girl. I say learn to slowly bring down the walls and release your past relationship baggage so that you can trust again, I don't think you need professional help at all.
Emilia Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm the same, men complain to me enough for me to know I'm more emotionally contained than a lot of women, I also don't 'feel' the drama (ie I don't get upset or I bounce back really quickly) and I come across 'ambigious' sometimes because when I'm not sure about someone or something, I don't lie and pretend that it's all fine. You have self awareness, that's a start. Now you will need to be conscious of your reactions and behaviour when you are with someone who likes you and wants feedback. Make sure you give him little assurances. Be self aware
bolase Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 yes I know exctly what you are talking about here, I am that girl too. I found it impossibly hard to open up to my last/current boyfriend (now I am overseas, so communication is f****d (and I am in a very very negative space about it all)..but he too would ask me what I was thinking, on several occasions, and most of the time I wouldn't be able to answer. But I think part of the problem with that one was that I knew I was leaving (as did he) and it probably couldn't last, so that prevented me from completely letting my guard down. I found that when I came across an emotionally guarded guy, before the last one, I opened up a LOT more and even managed to get him to express himself. I am extremely attracted to the types who are blatantly expressive themselves, most of the time! The whole opposites attract thing.
Emilia Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I am extremely attracted to the types who are blatantly expressive themselves, most of the time! The whole opposites attract thing. me too. I find they bring the best out of me. they probably like that I'm not as expressive as they are, there isn't quite as much competition for attention
Author 810 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I fell in love with a girl just like you and I appreciated the strength and unique quality of being with such a no-drama girl. However it became hard being with such a gaurded girl. I say learn to slowly bring down the walls and release your past relationship baggage so that you can trust again, I don't think you need professional help at all. I admit, I do have trust issue. My guard is high. I bottle everything up inside. It's a learned experience. Oy! Feel like I should move myself to the coping section. lolz
Author 810 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 You have self awareness, that's a start. Now you will need to be conscious of your reactions and behaviour when you are with someone who likes you and wants feedback. Make sure you give him little assurances. Be self aware You know what? this is correct. My exes were not attention-cravers. They have confidence and they read me like an open book. They were more of natural flow than the I have to impress you types. The new guys I met, they want their reassurances. I feel bad for them because I can't give them what they need often. Their insecurities and not being confidence kinna make me feel bad although I'm attracted to them in other areas. I don't know. Maybe I do need time for myself to process what I went through. yes I know exctly what you are talking about here, I am that girl too. I found it impossibly hard to open up to my last/current boyfriend (now I am overseas, so communication is f****d (and I am in a very very negative space about it all)..but he too would ask me what I was thinking, on several occasions, and most of the time I wouldn't be able to answer. I am extremely attracted to the types who are blatantly expressive themselves, most of the time! The whole opposites attract thing. It's not that I couldn't answer, but the need of not vocalize my feelings. There was one guy that I really liked but I couldn't bring myself up to open up. Afraid of being hurt again I guess. It's the trust thing I have with myself, feeling like I'm not good enough to date anyone again. So I set myself up for failure. It's the trust thing I have with others because I tend to look for something similar between them and my past as a reason to cut them out of my life. Hmm...
Eddie Edirol Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 You know what? this is correct. My exes were not attention-cravers. They have confidence and they read me like an open book. They were more of natural flow than the I have to impress you types. The new guys I met, they want their reassurances. I feel bad for them because I can't give them what they need often. Their insecurities and not being confidence kinna make me feel bad although I'm attracted to them in other areas. Hmm... Oh boy... Im one of the guys that can easily read my women, with major confidence, and I didnt need reassurance. The reason Im like that is because I know that it could be a major turnoff if I needed reassurance. It seems like a weakness. I shouldnt NEED you to reassure me. Makes total sense how that could be a turnoff, because if you encourage that behavior they will just want it more. I dont want to say that you should just stick with the highly confident types, i would normally say try different types. All I can tell you is you might have to train the insecure one that you want to invest in. Explain to him that the insecurity is a turnoff and you dont want to get turned off by him. If he doesnt get it, well...ykno. Its like a double edged sword, if you bring this up, it could get worse. Im really at a loss here!
Author 810 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Oh boy... Im one of the guys that can easily read my women, with major confidence, and I didnt need reassurance. The reason Im like that is because I know that it could be a major turnoff if I needed reassurance. It seems like a weakness. I shouldnt NEED you to reassure me. It's not so much of a turn off to me because I would still like the person. It makes me feel bad that I am unable to vocalize how great the guy is. Lack of praise leads to lack of interest on the guys' end. It drives the guys and I apart. I'm more physical than words ....I show appreciation and praise in the way that men do but in the beginning, i don't do a lot a physical stuff...so ... Should people be physical assertive in dating? I know it's catch-22. if a guy being assertive, he'll be called a pervert. if he's not, he'll be a "too nice" guy ...but same goes for females, if we do, we'll be seem as slut/desperate etc. but I really feel the guys' pain on this one. Makes total sense how that could be a turnoff, because if you encourage that behavior they will just want it more. I dont want to say that you should just stick with the highly confident types, i would normally say try different types. All I can tell you is you might have to train the insecure one that you want to invest in. Explain to him that the insecurity is a turnoff and you dont want to get turned off by him. If he doesnt get it, well...ykno. Its like a double edged sword, if you bring this up, it could get worse. Im really at a loss here!you do great! I need to hear things like this. thanks for the advice. Insecurity. Like you say, if I reassure them, I have to do it all the time...and that's not me...and I don't feel comfortable being anyone else but me. I have men fix their clothes and hair while they are out with me (almost every 30 min). I find that cute...but it seems like they don't feel they are good enough to stand next to me. Do guys get insecure with girls they really like? or with just someone they think it's out of their league? I had two exes. One turned out to be obsessive and possessive. My last relationship, he was as successful as he could be but turned to be a bit controlling toward the end. It's something I don't understand how and why I drive men to be that way. It seems like their insecurity levels increase as time goes by.
Jannah Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 how wrong is that? Recently, I have a man asked me, "What are you thinking?" I looked at him, smiled and shook my head indicating that it wasn't important. He asked again, "Tell me, what's on your mind?" For the first time in my life, I have a man asked me that. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Do guys ask their dates that? I realize that it is unusual for females to have their emotions contained like I do. I'm a talkative person. I laugh a lot. I share stories with friends. I make conversations with strangers on the street. I'm not shy. However, it appears that I'm always in some sort of control. I don't cry. I don't praise. I don't bitch. I don't nag. I don't pick fights but I stand my ground when needed to be. I don't share my emotions freely like most females do...with men...so I was told. I am imperturbable. Do I need to work on my communication skills? I tend not to praise people often. I can hold a conversation but didn't feel the need to voice my opinions with certain people. I've been told that men are intimidated by me. I don't understand why. It's not like I'm not being hit on by guys or anything, I mean I had 2 guys asked me out on a date, 1 asked for my number and 1 ...well I cut him off before he made a pass at me all happened in 3 weeks. I don't do online dating thing so these were off-line. I understand their fears of rejection. I myself have the same fear too. It's been 2 years since my last serious relationship, I go back to dating world and having fun with just hanging out with guys, dinner and movies etc. but when I'm at the most happiest, I have this sinking feeling like I'm going through a break up and it hurts so bad. It feels good to acknowledge that I can feel what I'm feeling for someone again but I feel my heart breaks at the same time. Am I emotional unavailable? Am I not ready to date? What gives? It's the 12AM rant on a very early Tuesday morning. Seriously, is it the norm or do I need to see a shrink for this sort of thing? Is it the compatible issue I'm facing? Anyone been in the same kind of situation? Sounds similar to me in some ways (though the crying thing, I sob when I'm sad or upset ). I am overly protective of my thoughts/feelings. For me, it has a lot to do with my upbringing. My father was very strict when I was a child and I was not allowed to express myself without fear of being reprimanded by my dad. It's amazing how different my father is now versus when I was young, but when I was growing up - if ever I was upset, crying, laughing to loud, making too much noise, whichever....my father would get angry with me, yell and tell me to stop, he'd spank me, grab my arm, threaten with a belt. He would also threaten to leave me wherever we happened to be, if I didn't stop... So, maybe your inability to verbally express yourself or demonstrate more of your inner emotions, comes from a place that was ingrained in you growing up? You could try talking to a therapist...it might help to understand yourself better instead of wondering why you feel a certain way and feeling bad because of it. Hugs. Btw, I love your avie.
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I am extremely emotionally contained and have learned excellent boundaries. I don't gossip, get jealous, or act emotional around men. I don't even laugh as much as I used to. I act guarded around men until I get to know them, then I am more carefree and open. Being contained has made it easy for me to make male friends. I've got a wolf pack of them now because I'm non-sexual and like to pal around. However, that has pretty much ruined my dating life. I am way too contained on dates and don't flutter and act flirtatious enough. Men don't know what I'm thinking and they pretty much drift away. Finally, after being single for 6 years, I decided to chip away at my shell. I met a guy this weekend and I was flirtatious and affectionate with him. I thought maybe I was doing too much too soon, but I think he liked it. He contacted me a few days later and set up a date with me this week. I think it's good to be who you are, but I would take a look at your behavior. Are you exhibiting good boundaries or are you freezing and retreating out of fear?
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