4 1/2 years later and he leaves

[yuskaid]

My boyfriend and I got together March 2006, and we've had a pretty good 4 years, though we would have fights sometimes. The fights were always about the same thing that he didn't spend enough time with me. He hung out with his friends a lot and worked on his doctorate. The only time I would see him is if we went on vacation. And we would go every 4 months or so, just long weekends, a week in the summer. I paid for everything, rent and stuff mostly because I could afford it and I wanted him to not have to work so hard, and when I needed help he would give it. But he could have helped out more at any time if me supporting him made him feel like less of a man. We met when i was 23 and he was 25. He was in the middle of a non terminal Masters program and we had a lot of sex, and a lot of fun together. looking back on emails, the fighting started really early, like in the first 6 months.

Things didn't get better with that big issue of him not making enough time for me. He would hide behind his dissertation but the i would find out he was hanging out at the library with his colleague, Amanda. I would accuse him in year 3 or being too involved with Amanda although I believed I was being harsh.

On October 1st 2010, he told me he wanted to move out and that he had cheated on me with three girls, Amanda whom he went down on, and some random girl he met at school, Valerie, whom he kissed touched, and and then one of his childhood friends, Chelsea whom he made out with and took off a ring that I had given him and gave it to her.

So we talked a little about what it all meant, kind of decided it was over and I went to work the next morning, but I came home and asked if we could work it out. He said the ball was in my court. So we tried to work things out. I said I didn't want him seeing Amanda for 30 days as a way to put boundaries between them , and that I wanted him to tell his friends why they couldn't all hang out. I made a small list of things I wanted, but he only did half of them. His mom came to see us for Halloween and we kept things under for that while. When she left things were hard but we were trying to work on it. He kept the 30 day vow pretty well. Thanksgiving was a small dinner and it seemed like we could make it. We went to see the Rockettes the day after Thanksgiving and it made me realise he had ruined Christmas for me. I said this to him and he got really upset, ad tried to make me feel guilty for ruining the show for him. Things started to spiral, we yelled almost every day. I said I hated him. We went to see a counselor the week before Christmas and she said he had to get the ring back, and I had to give him space, and he had to stop drinking since that's when the infidelity seems to occur. The counselor asked him if he wanted to stay together and why and he said because we had so many good memories, and he wanted to get back to where we were in year one.

He went on hanging out with his friends and Amanda three days in a row after the counseling, and the 4th day I realised that he had lied about the date he gave Chelsea the ring due to photos. When prompted for the truth, it took him hours after I went to bed to tell me, it was a year ago, not two years. I yelled for two days straight and pointed at our Christmas tree and said that he broke my spirit. Well he went to the library, and didn't come home that night. I tried to call him but he stayed away two days, and it was two days before Christmas Eve. On the day before Christmas Eve, I managed to get him to meet me at Starbucks and told him I don't want to know about past tense. He said he was on the fence about staying with me but he came home anyway. When I got off work and went home, he was texting someone a lot, and for 2 hours. So when he went to sleep, I checked the texts. He had slept with someone those two days, and had planned on going to Florida to see her. She didn't even live in NY! I woke him up and we talked for hours. It took 20 minutes of direct eye contact and me pressing him to admit he had slept with someone.

So we broke up.

And he went to Florida for ten days. And he is back in town living in some craphole with the most of his stuff still in our apartment.

He is moving really fast with this other girl, but I can't help still being in love with him. How can I be so stupid? How do I get over him or get him back?

[kikikoko]

Thanks for your input about my situation.

 

I'm sorry to hear your story. I think this guy is not deserved you because he cheated on you a lot of time. I can imagine how hurtful and hard for you to forget this guy since you have four years of memories together. Be strong. Time will heal any wounds. Hug.

[Fern]

First things first, after nearly 5 years with this person you are VERY bonded to him - it's called attachment and it's nearly like a drug. Because you think you're losing him your emotions and attachment have kicked in and rather than thinking logically about what is going on and what is best for you in the long run - your body is flooded with adrenaline, the 'fight or flight' impulse is raging and you're feeling AWFUL - anxious, sleepless, nausea - we've all been there. This is NOT helping you.

 

What you need to do is to go completely cold turkey here - at least for a while - so you can gather your thoughts and make sure you don't do or say anything embarrassing or harmful for yourself. CUT HIM OFF. Delete his numbers, emails - everything. DELETE. Pack up all the stuff that reminds you of him and put it away somewhere. Do the same with photos and other memorabilia. Block him on facebook. Detox him for the next 30 days (for starters). If you do this you're in a better position to decide what's the best course for you.

 

Right now you probably think you want him back - and you might still want him back in 30 days - NC isn't going to hurt that goal if that's what you ultimately decide - in fact, it's probably the only way of stopping you from making such a snivelling fool of yourself that he won't want anything to do with you. NC gives the ex some space to miss you - if he's ever going to miss you.

 

However - NC also gives YOU the headspace from this car crash of a relatonship to start taking a look at where your priorities have gotten really screwed up here - and look at what's wrong with your self esteem that you think this LOSER is the best treatmemt you can get or deserve. There are TONS of good books out there that might help you work through some of this stuff in your own time: 'It's called a breakup because it's broken' or 'How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days'. The last one I read was 'He's scared, She's Scared' and it really helped me get some perspective on the F**ked-up dynamic of my relationship - which sounds a LOT like the dynamic in yours. Except that I'm older and I should have known better. This is GOOD that you're getting the opportunity to learn these lessons now. I know it doesn't feel like it - but it is.

 

As for this other girl - I wouldn't worry too much about her. I know the very idea of her is driving you INSANE right now, but he's using her (subconsciously) for a myriad of reasons - none of which have ANYTHING to do with you. She's not better than you in ANY way, she's just giving him a soft landing from the free-fall out of your relationship. She won't last very long and he'll treat her even worse than he's treated you. Put her out of your brain. She's more to be pitied than anything.

 

You sound like a bright girl - screw your courage to the sticking place, take charge of your own destiny and go NC NOW. Set yourself a goal of AT LEAST 30 days and start clearing the detritus of his life out of YOUR life. Pack up his stuff. Sit down and write out a list of all the ways he was an ass. It's very easy to start romanticising how WONDERFUL they were when you're in the throes of this kind of situation. He wasn't wonderful - clearly. Start reminding yourself of that. You deserve better. And if you WANT him back and WANT him to be better then you need to teach him he can't do this. Get tough - whatever the outcome, it's the only way to turn this steaming mess into something positive.