befreckled Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Along with struggling with adapting to life without the new bf, I am fighting to stop constantly thinking about the next step. When we met during we talked about if this was a holiday fling or if there was something worth looking at. I brought it up because I absolutely needed to know. Of course, if he had said fling, it would have gutted me but at least at least I know. I'm all about the truth While we were on vacation, we talked about if we wanted to be in a relationship and the answer was yes. I brought that conversation up as well because I wondered what the next step was given that we were both returning to different countries. It has to be said that he brought up the topic of labels. If I was wondering about gf/bf and he said that we are. Aside with being the typical non emotional, not quite communicative male, the bf is somewhat socially awkward and he takes ages to take action. Before we parted, he asked me if I would miss him - without any prodding for me first, that my friends was MAJOR. We have reverted to communicating almost daily upon returning, he is ALWAYS happy to hear from me even if he doesn't initiate conversation. I feel like I want to take the backseat in our communication for no other reason than its nice to know that someone likes me back. Is that silly? And how do I just chill out about not having a plan about when we are meeting next?
folieadeux Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You're not being silly at all; everyone wants to know (especially in an LDR) that their other half is putting in as much effort as they are. If you don't have a set plan for your next visit, the next best thing is to just talk about it with him in general terms. Discuss your days off, where you'd like to go, etc...and before you know it, a plan will come together eventually. Some people aren't able to see each other for months at a time for various reasons. I'd use this time to prepare as much as possible so you can both have a wonderful time when you are able to get together.
Author befreckled Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 You're not being silly at all; everyone wants to know (especially in an LDR) that their other half is putting in as much effort as they are. If you don't have a set plan for your next visit, the next best thing is to just talk about it with him in general terms. Discuss your days off, where you'd like to go, etc...and before you know it, a plan will come together eventually. Some people aren't able to see each other for months at a time for various reasons. I'd use this time to prepare as much as possible so you can both have a wonderful time when you are able to get together. You always give such great advice! I want to lay off making the initiative because, I don't want him to keep that I'll always be there. I'm as insecure about this relationship as he is and the last thing I want is to overwhelm him. I figure I'll give him a month or so to get around to it. I actually have tentative dates that I can travel to him which is in 3-4 months but I'm holding off on just being an eager puppy. The reality is, I have been single for the last 5 years. The first 2 were out of choice, then it became an effort in futility and I realised that I didn't mind being alone at all so I kept on with work and dating when I had a break till now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the distance isn't what is the main issue, it is that there is no plan which makes me feel like this is disposable. Isn't it natural to want to see someone you like? Bah. Back to work for me!
HeavenOrHell Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I could almost have written this! We do initiate contact equally but because I find the distance harder than he does and I don't want to feel I'm needy, now and again I take a bit of a back seat as I feel I'm always so readily available, I don't want him taking me for granted! No harm in doing this I don't think It's like giving them a chance to show they care. I normally initiate talk about our next meeting as he's not as proactive as me! But he starts looking forward to it when we have dates planned. Along with struggling with adapting to life without the new bf, I am fighting to stop constantly thinking about the next step. When we met during we talked about if this was a holiday fling or if there was something worth looking at. I brought it up because I absolutely needed to know. Of course, if he had said fling, it would have gutted me but at least at least I know. I'm all about the truth While we were on vacation, we talked about if we wanted to be in a relationship and the answer was yes. I brought that conversation up as well because I wondered what the next step was given that we were both returning to different countries. It has to be said that he brought up the topic of labels. If I was wondering about gf/bf and he said that we are. Aside with being the typical non emotional, not quite communicative male, the bf is somewhat socially awkward and he takes ages to take action. Before we parted, he asked me if I would miss him - without any prodding for me first, that my friends was MAJOR. We have reverted to communicating almost daily upon returning, he is ALWAYS happy to hear from me even if he doesn't initiate conversation. I feel like I want to take the backseat in our communication for no other reason than its nice to know that someone likes me back. Is that silly? And how do I just chill out about not having a plan about when we are meeting next?
HeavenOrHell Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think it's good to show you're enthusiastic, it helps keeps things going, because I'm insecure (he is too but doesn't show it as much) and he's emotionally closed I've worried it will make me look overly keen, I don't want to appear clingy, I don't think I AM clingy but I am enthusiastic about us, I find it hard he doesn't show it as much and he has apologised about being so closed, he shows me he cares in his own ways. It's not overwhelming if you say it would be good to try and sort out a date for meeting, so you can both look forward to it. It's totally natural to want to see someone you like, and to want to keep things alive in the r/ship in the meantime, if neither of you showed eagerness it wouldn't last long as you'd both think the other isn't bothered. If you say to him you want to fix a date soon and he acts like you're being too eager or overwhelming, then is he the sort of person who is right for you? He might have reasons I guess, like fear of rushing anything as he's been hurt before, but seeing him in 3 or 4 months time is hardly rushing anything! You always give such great advice! I want to lay off making the initiative because, I don't want him to keep that I'll always be there. I'm as insecure about this relationship as he is and the last thing I want is to overwhelm him. I figure I'll give him a month or so to get around to it. I actually have tentative dates that I can travel to him which is in 3-4 months but I'm holding off on just being an eager puppy. The reality is, I have been single for the last 5 years. The first 2 were out of choice, then it became an effort in futility and I realised that I didn't mind being alone at all so I kept on with work and dating when I had a break till now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the distance isn't what is the main issue, it is that there is no plan which makes me feel like this is disposable. Isn't it natural to want to see someone you like? Bah. Back to work for me!
folieadeux Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You always give such great advice! I want to lay off making the initiative because, I don't want him to keep that I'll always be there. I'm as insecure about this relationship as he is and the last thing I want is to overwhelm him. I figure I'll give him a month or so to get around to it. I actually have tentative dates that I can travel to him which is in 3-4 months but I'm holding off on just being an eager puppy. The reality is, I have been single for the last 5 years. The first 2 were out of choice, then it became an effort in futility and I realised that I didn't mind being alone at all so I kept on with work and dating when I had a break till now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the distance isn't what is the main issue, it is that there is no plan which makes me feel like this is disposable. Isn't it natural to want to see someone you like? Bah. Back to work for me! Thanks I think it's more than okay to hold off for a few weeks to a month to see what he comes up with. It's only natural to want your boyfriend to be as eager about things as you are and to be planning ahead. It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit more reserved than you are though from your posts, so try not to take it personally if he doesn't come up with something in that time frame either. This doesn't necessarily mean he isn't giving the relationship as much thought as you are, just that he may deal with certain things alot differently than you. I've had to get used to this in my own relationship and just learned that everyone expresses themselves in their own way and to not take it personally. And of course it's natural to want to be together...an LDR is the most unnatural thing ever. But that in no way makes you or the relationship you're working on disposable. If it wasn't worth it, you both wouldn't be trying so hard to make it work.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Taking a back seat now and again doesn't mean she's never showing enthusiasm, she's showing loads of it, just sometimes she'd like him to be more forthcoming, taking a bit of a back seat now and again let's him do that. Obviously if she showed little or no enthusiasm that would be silly, but what she's asking isn't silly. Should she take it as a fact he's not interested then cos he's showing less enthusiasm than her? Same as my partner, but it's not because they're not as interested it's just because they show emotions differently. Yes, I think it's silly And that's because I have done the exact same thing when I first met my girl. I wanted to take a "back seat" because I wanted her to show interest in me because that would make me feel good. Now though, I realize that doing this only makes it look like you are less interested. A male usually takes a girl's lack of enthusiasm as a sign that she isn't interested, and that's what he'll think if you don't talk to him as much. You'll likely get the opposite of the reaction you are trying to draw. What I think is the best thing to do, is to be totally honest. Tell him how you feel, just the honest truth. I know, sounds crazy right?? But I believe it works If you let him know how much you really like him and want to see him again, it will give him the confidence too tell you that he feels the exact same way!
Author befreckled Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 ....I normally initiate talk about our next meeting as he's not as proactive as me! But he starts looking forward to it when we have dates planned. On hindsight, I am the one that initiated the trip that made us question if we wanted to see each other seriously. At that time, I wanted to take a vacation and thought he'd make a good vacation buddy! When we were leading up to it, he was quite excited and relished in me giving him the countdown. .... of course it's natural to want to be together...an LDR is the most unnatural thing ever. But that in no way makes you or the relationship you're working on disposable. If it wasn't worth it, you both wouldn't be trying so hard to make it work. I guess because, he is quite passive in nature, I have moments where I wonder if he just agrees with me cos' there's no real downside. I'm not there where he is, there's no time investment and I'm just some girl on the internet. It does sound silly writing it out. It's tough stuff as you all know and I wonder if the best way to handle this is to not deal with it at all. Live like I'm single (except not date other people). it is a mindset that I need to adjust to. What do you all think?
creighton0123 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 No silliness at all. An LDR requires one point of focus to endure: When will we next see one another. Without that, you're kind of just left counting down into an endless void of uncertainty. How far apart are the two of you? Count hours in driving, train, or plane. If a plane is involved that is > 100 one way, you may have to plan a full on vacation, but one of you should fork over the cost and take the trip. Without a next planned meeting, LDR's can be somewhat... stuck in a rut.
folieadeux Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 On hindsight, I am the one that initiated the trip that made us question if we wanted to see each other seriously. At that time, I wanted to take a vacation and thought he'd make a good vacation buddy! When we were leading up to it, he was quite excited and relished in me giving him the countdown. I guess because, he is quite passive in nature, I have moments where I wonder if he just agrees with me cos' there's no real downside. I'm not there where he is, there's no time investment and I'm just some girl on the internet. It does sound silly writing it out. It's tough stuff as you all know and I wonder if the best way to handle this is to not deal with it at all. Live like I'm single (except not date other people). it is a mindset that I need to adjust to. What do you all think? You pretty much have to live like you're single (with the exception of dating other people if in an exclusive relationship) because we're not able to be there all the time for our partners. When not on visits or in the process of planning one, you're alone, but you don't have to be lonely. Keeping yourself busy and going about your own life doing whatever you enjoy is really the only way. We try to include each other in our lives as much as humanly possible without actually being there, but nothing replaces physical contact. I think it's too early for you two to be setting an end date or talking about the future as everything is still new. But when the time comes, you'll know, and it can't be you doing everything either. He'll have to start putting forth just as much effort as you are in resolving the distance. But, like I said, I wouldn't stress so much about that now, unless you already know that this may be an issue for him in the future.
Author befreckled Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 ...How far apart are the two of you? Count hours in driving, train, or plane. If a plane is involved that is > 100 one way, you may have to plan a full on vacation, but one of you should fork over the cost and take the trip. Without a next planned meeting, LDR's can be somewhat... stuck in a rut. We are about 26hrs apart by flight. I cannot think of anywhere further. Oh wait, I take that back. He is about 30hours away from his native country. A vacation is not tough but, the fact that we have to put aside 2.5 days for travelling alone is somewhat mad. So, it takes a fair amount of planning. The issue of planning is abit tricky. As folieadeux says, it's new so, I would prefer not to be all up in his business (hurhur). Let things fall naturally in place which is TOUGH to say the least. We do not have a "we are seeing each other by xx date", much less an end date. I'm not adverse to travelling but we have to work out a date and both our schedules are very fluid at the moment. We just saw each other in Jan. You pretty much have to live like you're single (with the exception of dating other people if in an exclusive relationship)........ I agree after much thought. I'm in the midst of planning activities, trying to get out and just live like I am single. I have to say as difficult as taking the back seat was, it has paid off. He has initiated chat with me a couple more times. He made a few very sweet compliments and mentioned something which made me sit up and think "Ok, so this isn't in my head. I am in relationship" I was talking to him about going back to school, to change jobs mid career and mentioned schools in Europe and Asia. And he mentioned that if I was going to be studying anywhere, I should be where he is. which is something I did think about but never mentioned.
folieadeux Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Glad to see the taking a back seat paid off for you, it usually does if both people are at the same point in the relationship, which it sounds like you are.
Recommended Posts