northern_sky Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I was doing pretty OK being single, but last couple of weeks not sure what's happening. I've been hit by a sudden wave of loneliness. It's pretty extreme tonight. Maybe it's partly not having any real friends where I live (I guess my roommates are sort of friends, but not close ones). For the last month or two I've been turning down invites from one of my roommates to go out at night to bars in town. Finally she stopped asking. Why did I turn her down? I was depressed, anxious and also putting off getting my ID renewed. Right now I'm waiting for my new ID in the mail, so I can't really go out to bars until it arrives. I'm regretting turning her down all of those times. My roommates are the only people I know in my town, my only social connections. J, my other friend here, moved to NY a week ago. What can I do to connect more with people? How can I diminish this aching loneliness? I had thought I should take a break from dating because I need to focus on other things. But is this loneliness a sign that I *should* be dating? Basically I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working on school stuff. I'm not happy.
Nexus One Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Try getting a job. It makes you money and gives you a social network. Use the money to travel abroad. Travel alone if you must.
GooseChaser Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) I'm in the same boat. My brother and most of my friends are going to school far away, and the rest are guys with whom things didn't work out with romantically that I don't really want to hang around with much, so really, I'm on my own now. I realized this just yesterday. You don't have to find a guy to cure your loneliness. What I plan to do is make an effort to make new friends. I won't be worrying so much about finding a guy, since it can wait until I go back to my four-year university. If I end up meeting a guy I like just by chance, maybe then I'll see where things go, but it's not a big deal to me either way at this point. I agree with the job comment; it's a good way to pass the time and make money too! I will definitely be applying to jobs before too long. I will also go out and do things socially to meet people, like school clubs, and things on my own, like exercise, reading, and school stuff. When all else fails, I turn to the internet or video games to kill time, or get some extra sleep. Edited January 18, 2011 by GooseChaser
tigressA Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Yeah, a job is a good idea. Once you get your renewed ID in the mail, ask your roomies what's going on during the weekend. They've already reached out enough with you declining their offers; now it's your turn to reach out to them. I really think the loneliness is a sign that you shouldn't be dating. You need to learn to be happy alone. Use the time you have now to better yourself and your circumstances.
Jazzari Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I don't know how to help, but I can throw a hug your way. It sucks to be lonely.
GooseChaser Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'd like to add a few things! It helps to stay busy. Music and art are a few more good pastimes that I like. Activities under the music category can include listening, playing an instrument or learning to play one, singing, and more. Art is fun too. There are lots of different types: drawing, painting, digital, photography.... There are lots of things out there to do! Do you have any favorite hobbies?
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Basically I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working on school stuff. Isn't there some school stuff you can work on even though class isn't in session? Your film stuff? (I'm saying "stuff" because I don't know what it would be because I'm not familiar with what exactly you do day-to-day in class...)
pandagirl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'd highly recommend getting a part-time job, or even volunteering somewhere a few times a week. It gets you out of the house, gives you some structure, and it's a great way to meet people. Also, I think it will HELP you organize your life and be more productive with your school work.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think volunteering is a great way to assuage loneliness, and did so during a particularly depressing period back in the 90's. It really helped. It also took me to Africa Since you appear to like animals, why not volunteer at your local no-kill animal shelter? IMO, the healthy time to start dating is when loneliness is but a dim memory and your happiness and energy is spilling over and you feel compelled to share with someone. Great time to meet a man
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Also, Shadow... At the end of last semester (last summer) you said you felt physically weak and wanted to start going to the gym and exercising once school got out. Did you ever do that? If not, how about now? Getting in some intense exercise is a great way to generate natural endorphins and build your self-esteem. Or maybe join a running group? Another great way to meet people of both genders.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 N_S, you have your whole life to date after you graduate, not to mention once you move to NYC, you'll meet single men left and right. I don't think loneliness is relative to you finding a guy. You could simply just be bored or need to make new friends and find new activities to preoccupy yourself. Best lesson in life- Learn to live with yourself first before you try to get along with others.
Author northern_sky Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Hey Guys... I am actually feeling somewhat better already. Thanks for the suggestions! There were some great ones. I'll respond to them all in this post rather than quoting each one. Just to clear up confusion I'm already spending most of my time doing school work to finish three old incompletes so I can graduate. I am not enrolling in classes this semester, since I'm all done with the classes I need to take. I will graduate once that work is done. Should be done with the class work fairly soon (in a couple of weeks hopefully?). The film will take longer (2-3 months?), and entirely depends on finding an actress and her schedule. Per the suggestions I got in this thread, I'm knocking off one project at a time rather than my usual free for all. It's been going really well, and has reduced a lot of my stress. I have a few drawings to finish for tomorrow or Thursday, depending on when my prof has time to meet with me. So basically have been spending the last week drawing 5-8 hours a day and running errands. I don't have that much free time at the moment, because I really want to get these incompletes done with. In a couple weeks, once those are behind me, I need to start looking for another part time job. Probably something in waitressing or admin. But yeah, right now my days are a bit structureless aside from the school work. I have a few ideas from this thread and friends' suggestions. I am going to try out a Bikram yoga class this afternoon. My friend Spookie has been raving about it, and I have to see what the fuss is about. I would absolutely *lovvvee* to volunteer at an animal shelter. Thanks for the suggestion, Carhill! Strangely enough the idea never occurred to me. Unfortunately, there isn't one in my small city, and the closest is a bit of a trek. Given that I'm carless, I don't know how feasible that would be. I'm looking into bussing options online. EDIT: looks like it's a 1.5 hour commute by bus. I also made plans to watch a movie with one of my roommates tonight. You guys are right that I should only date when I'm not lonely, rather than using it as a bandaid. Right now it's snowing so pretty outside my window. Reminds me of the end of James Joyce's The Dead.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Big hugs, northern. When you get your ID you know what to do. You can't change the past--just start putting yourself out there and keep some visibility with other people.
Kamille Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I also made plans to watch a movie with one of my roommates tonight. Good job! Curbing loneliness is as easy as reaching out to people. Am currently LDR and recently moved (again) and I get lonely too. Like you, I'm swamped at work and I find it really takes a toll on my energy levels. I tend to feel lonelier when I'm tired and stressed. When I have more time for myself, I generally don't feel lonely (even in new towns) because I have the energy and time to do activities I like - even if alone. So really, when stressed, I don't get lonely so much as I get bored. So no advice. Just some empathy and also a note: I wonder if, like me, your feeling of loneliness increases with work and stress?
Author northern_sky Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Good job! Curbing loneliness is as easy as reaching out to people. Am currently LDR and recently moved (again) and I get lonely too. Like you, I'm swamped at work and I find it really takes a toll on my energy levels. I tend to feel lonelier when I'm tired and stressed. When I have more time for myself, I generally don't feel lonely (even in new towns) because I have the energy and time to do activities I like - even if alone. So really, when stressed, I don't get lonely so much as I get bored. So no advice. Just some empathy and also a note: I wonder if, like me, your feeling of loneliness increases with work and stress? I think I'm different from you in that I don't crave a lot of alone time. In fact, I'm happiest when I'm in the presence of others. I remember as a kid some of my happiest moments were big family parties where people would be playing music and chatting into the night. This causes inner conflict for me, because my social awkwardness makes it hard for me to relate to others and somewhat avoidant of social get togethers, but I think I am naturally a mixture of extrovert and introvert. That's not to say I don't ever need alone time. I definitely do, but I crave much more of a balance than I presently have.
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think I'm different from you in that I don't crave a lot of alone time. In fact, I'm happiest when I'm in the presence of others. I remember as a kid some of my happiest moments were big family parties where people would be playing music and chatting into the night. This causes inner conflict for me, because my social awkwardness makes it hard for me to relate to others and somewhat avoidant of social get togethers, but I think I am naturally a mixture of extrovert and introvert. The bolded is really interesting. I would think that would make you an E-whatever, instead of an I. Another suggestion: Is there some sort of hands-on charity group you could join? The shelter might be far away, but there's likely some organization with the same mission nearby?
Kamille Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think I'm different from you in that I don't crave a lot of alone time. In fact, I'm happiest when I'm in the presence of others. I remember as a kid some of my happiest moments were big family parties where people would be playing music and chatting into the night. This causes inner conflict for me, because my social awkwardness makes it hard for me to relate to others and somewhat avoidant of social get togethers, but I think I am naturally a mixture of extrovert and introvert. That's not to say I don't ever need alone time. I definitely do, but I crave much more of a balance than I presently have. Interesting. Just looked up the definition of introvert in the Oxford dictionnary of psychology, and it said an introvert was someone who placed more emphasis on inner thoughts than social interactions and the outside world. They also describe introverts as reserved people. In my twenties, I thought I was an extrovert. I constantly needed and preferred to be around people. If I was on my own, I felt restless. I felt like I was missing out on something if I wasn't with a group of people. I spent a lot of time "hanging out". It was great and a lot of fun, but did not make me an extrovert. While in groups, I was still reserved and timid, prefered not to be the center of attention, prefered conversations that were centered on analytical thinking, preferred one on one conversations to group ones. I also delfected attention from myself by asking others a lot of questions and directing the spotlight to them (this made me extremely likeable). My restlessness did not stem from being a socially awkward extrovert, but rather from my own inner conflict. Having been bullied throughout my school years, I was craving social acceptance. It became obvious to me that I was an introvert once I started accepting myself for who I really was. I stopped analyzing how people responded to me. I stopped trying to impress people and get people to like me. (Well, actually, I'm still working on that.) My restlessness waned and I no longer feel the constant need to be surrounded by people as a basis for affirmation that I am socially acceptable. I just know it and I just expect others to accept me. I was suddenly much more comfortable on my own and realized that having my own space and my down time was really important to me. I'm sharing this because I wonder what part a desire for "social acceptance" plays into and potentially exacerbates your feelings of loneliness. ps: I also love big family reunions and social gatherings.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I was feeling pretty lonely about 6 months ago. I worked on this by strengthening friendships/relationships and GIVING to them. Lo and behold, within what seemed like days, all this love and goodness started flowing back to me. Kind of that JFK idea made personal: Ask not what your world can do for you. Ask what you can do for your world. Shifting your focus like this can blow the world open and make you feel much more connected. By now, I TREASURE my time to myself. I'm single but not lonely, and it's a really good feeling! Not always easy, but always interesting.
Sanman Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 It became obvious to me that I was an introvert once I started accepting myself for who I really was. I stopped analyzing how people responded to me. I stopped trying to impress people and get people to like me. N_S, Glad to hear that you decided not to date. I agree with the others that you should not date out of boredom. Healthy dating extends the happiness in one's life, not something that fills other voids. I like the suggestions that others have put forth. What you need is more non-sexual friendships, not dating. It concerns me that this would be what you feel like you need to do to get the attention of others. I do agree with Kamille that you seem uncomfortable in your own skin. I think it would be helpful for you to find a social network that you are comfortable in and figure out how to be more comfortable with yourself. If I may ask, why are your roommates your only social connections in town?
Author northern_sky Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 N_S, If I may ask, why are your roommates your only social connections in town? Heh. Because I'm terrible at making friends, and I also don't get out much.
Sanman Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Heh. Because I'm terrible at making friends, and I also don't get out much. Then, its sounds as if this time is best used working on something that you seem to want in your life and have trouble doing; getting out more and making friends. My guess is that you are leaning towards dating because it is simply a social interaction you are more comfortable in. Don't fall into that trap. Though, if I may make an observation, it seems as if many here on LS seem to care about you. So, I would suggest that perhaps you aren't as terrible at making friends as you seem. Good luck!
Author northern_sky Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Then, its sounds as if this time is best used working on something that you seem to want in your life and have trouble doing; getting out more and making friends. My guess is that you are leaning towards dating because it is simply a social interaction you are more comfortable in. Don't fall into that trap. Though, if I may make an observation, it seems as if many here on LS seem to care about you. So, I would suggest that perhaps you aren't as terrible at making friends as you seem. Good luck! Ha, that's sweet. Thanks.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I was doing pretty OK being single, but last couple of weeks not sure what's happening. I've been hit by a sudden wave of loneliness. It's pretty extreme tonight. Maybe it's partly not having any real friends where I live (I guess my roommates are sort of friends, but not close ones). For the last month or two I've been turning down invites from one of my roommates to go out at night to bars in town. Finally she stopped asking. Why did I turn her down? I was depressed, anxious and also putting off getting my ID renewed. Right now I'm waiting for my new ID in the mail, so I can't really go out to bars until it arrives. I'm regretting turning her down all of those times. My roommates are the only people I know in my town, my only social connections. J, my other friend here, moved to NY a week ago. What can I do to connect more with people? How can I diminish this aching loneliness? I had thought I should take a break from dating because I need to focus on other things. But is this loneliness a sign that I *should* be dating? Basically I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working on school stuff. I'm not happy. I'll bite. a few things come to mind. I'll address the more important IMO, first. you asked if your feelings of loneliness mean you should be dating. ABSOLUTELY NOT. seriously, you need to get those feelings under control first, or risk sabotaging your ability to make good/healthy decisions once in a relationship. ever know somebody stuck in a "zombie relationship?" she's getting cheated on left and right, he's a total bast*rd to her, yet she won't do the right thing. why? fear of being alone is more often the reason I've noticed. loneliness is an indicator that you're missing some type of fulfillment in your life. it's awesome that you asked for ideas about to get out there, because that truly is the answer, not a romantic relationship. I'll suggest this, and don't under estimate this option cause it worked so well for me I can't even tell you. Go out By Yourself. think about what you like to do and go do that stuff, with or without people. comfort in ones solitude is effing liberating. many pass on the idea of going places alone -- they're missing out. three of my best friends I made in 2010 I made by just being out there, doing what I enjoy. and if you think the conversation is strange when the inevitable question ("so, who are you here with?") comes up, you'd be mistaken. you'd be suprises how often the response ("I like to get out here by myself a few times a week.") was met with, "funny we haven't bumped into each other..." or "wow, that's cool." again what do you like to do? what have you always wanted to try? go do that stuff. I guarantee you you'll have new buddies in mere months, if not weeks. most importantly is becoming comfortable within your solitude. it totally makes you a better friend and lover. I had to divorce my wife last year, and I was depressed. that all began to change for the better when I took the advice I'm giving you. just take a few steps out of your comfort zone and create a life you'd be 100% happy living alone, and people gravitate toward you and fill that life. your best days are ahead of you, OP.
Author northern_sky Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I'm making small progress. Just spent the night hanging out with my two roommates, which was nice since the three of us rarely spend time together. It was also initiated by me, I'm happy to say. It was one roommate's bday so I suggested we take her out to dinner. Then after we came back and played a ridiculous board game. Had a good time, and it was nice to connect with people. I was pretty awkward, though. I can never seem to just relax and chill...or it takes me forever with somebody to get to that level. Still nice, though, and made me feel less lonely.
Star Gazer Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Glad you had a good night. You're probably a lot less outwardly awkward than you think. loneliness is an indicator that you're missing some type of fulfillment in your life. Ya know, I really think I agree with this. There was a time when I was that girl, surrounded by people in a crowded room, including a boyfriend, maybe even there for a celebration thrown in my honor, who still felt like the loneliest person in the room. Looking back, I felt the most lonely when I didn't have something fulfilling me from the inside out, even if just a hobby. Shadow/Sky, I think I've asked you this before, as it's something I ask everyone I'm curious about. What drives you to get out of bed each morning? Other than obligations/responsibilities, that is. What are you excited about each day? Working on your film? Art?
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