jphillmore Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 So I am not the type to normally post on a forum, but I need some perspective on this before I really mess something up. I have been seeing a girl for the past 6 months or so that lives in TX (I live in WA). When we are together, things have been great. When we were apart at first, things were great too. I wasn't looking to get into a long distance relationship at the time. I met her in WA, and we kept seeing each other because we really liked each other and we agreed that if things worked out she would move. Well, going forward, she didn't move when she said that she was going to.. and things haven't been exactly as good as they were when we were first together since then. We have still been seeing eachother. Normally once per month she will fly up. We love eachother. She is suppose to be moving again this month, but a couple of curve balls got thrown at me. She apparently thinks that she shouldn't have to pay any of her living expenses. We aren't married. We don't have kids. She still is planning on working. But she thinks that I should be paying for her room and board and everything else. She is very adamant about this. I think that it is absurd, and that I am not looking to be with someone that doesn't want to be an adult or wants a free ride. I am not familiar with a culture where this flies. Both of my parents worked and paid the bills. I have never even had to have this conversation with girlfriends that I have lived with in the past. From her perspective, "I am a man and am suppose to pay for everything." This kind of came out of left field, and I'm not sure that I can respect a woman that thinks like this. To make things even funnier, my company is in the middle of going under and I am a ball of stress right now. There is one other major issue too that we disagree on... which is the kids (not what you are thinking). We actually both don't want kids (which is good). But, again, in my experience when with another person that also didn't want kids, we agreed to abort if there was an accident so we don't mess up both of our lives or the child's. She doesn't seem to be able to handle that. I just don't believe that having unplanned kids is a good idea. I know that is controversial, and trust me I do not want to know anyone's opinion on it. But, it is still a stressor. My question is, is it time to move on? I am not sure. I do love her, but I'm not sure that is enough for her or for me.
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Probably, if she wants to move in, but wants you to foot the bill(s). If this can't be resolved with simple conversation... it's not going to be worth it, you know? Supporting someone while they're looking for work is one thing, but "I am a man and am suppose to pay for everything" is quite another.
Author jphillmore Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Yea, I don't have a problem (and volunteered) to support her while she finds work and gets on her feet. I also told her I would do an income based split of the shared expenses.. so if she maid 1/2 of what I did then she would pay 1/2 of the amount in bills that I would. It didn't seem to matter.
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Before my gf moved in, we talked about finances (for quite awhile)... I supported her until she got it together and got a job... We thought a lot before taking the plunge. I won't lie and say that we've never had any financial woes ever... but we planned and talked before we moved in together, and it's served us fairly well... we've been together forever, joint bank account, etc. etc. Sounds like you've already tried to tell her what you're willing to do, my friend. If something like this causes a problem, imagine what it could be like down the road. It's a huge red flag- to me, anyway.
Sparty97 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Stand firm on the bills. She should absolutely pay a portion, how much is up for discussion (as in, if you make lots more than she does...pay more). As for the abortion thing...wow, I'm a pro choice guy but the flippant way in which you seem to feel it should be dealt with is bothersome. Use birth control, there are many very reliable methods. Don't trust them? use two types.
Neutrino Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Move on - without a doubt. This is a big red flag of incompatibility in life philosophy - so this is not a question of money IMO.
elemental1 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 how adamant is she about not working/you paying the bills? is it a make or break thing? from my perspective, i would feel kind of like a tool if my GF/partner just stayed home all day, didnt work, spent my money, etc. i would feel like she is just using me...regardless of her feelings. i wouldnt respect her and i wouldnt respect myself for letting it happen. even if i made enough money to support us both and then some, it would still be an issue. it seems like she has, in a roundabout way, given you an ultimatum...either you pay for everything, or this relationship isnt going to work. so give her an ultimatum. tell her that you will support her, but she cant just sit around and reap the benefits... she has to either get a job or go to school....something that is constructive/productive for her own life. if she just cant do that, then i think you need to move on. i feel ya man - i couldnt be with someone who just lives off of me - i wouldnt respect either of us.
Els Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 She is moving to be with you, if I read your OP correctly. Is she leaving a current job for it and will she have trouble looking for a new one there?
hotgurl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 They way you suggest an abortion in such a casual way is disturdbing. If you really don't want kids get a vasectomy.
Brenfy Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I agree that you should get a vasectomy. I don't think you should view abortion as a simple birth control solution. As for the rest - as a working woman I would feel like a jerk for trying to make my SO pay for all my living expenses while keeping my salary for myself. That is an extremely unbalanced way to live. There is no way resentment wouldn't creep in. Unless you can work this out to both of your satisfaction you should NOT move in together.
denise_xo Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So I am not the type to normally post on a forum, but I need some perspective on this before I really mess something up. I have been seeing a girl for the past 6 months or so that lives in TX (I live in WA). When we are together, things have been great. When we were apart at first, things were great too. I wasn't looking to get into a long distance relationship at the time. I met her in WA, and we kept seeing each other because we really liked each other and we agreed that if things worked out she would move. Well, going forward, she didn't move when she said that she was going to.. and things haven't been exactly as good as they were when we were first together since then. We have still been seeing eachother. Normally once per month she will fly up. We love eachother. She is suppose to be moving again this month, but a couple of curve balls got thrown at me. She apparently thinks that she shouldn't have to pay any of her living expenses. We aren't married. We don't have kids. She still is planning on working. But she thinks that I should be paying for her room and board and everything else. She is very adamant about this. I think that it is absurd, and that I am not looking to be with someone that doesn't want to be an adult or wants a free ride. I am not familiar with a culture where this flies. Both of my parents worked and paid the bills. I have never even had to have this conversation with girlfriends that I have lived with in the past. From her perspective, "I am a man and am suppose to pay for everything." This kind of came out of left field, and I'm not sure that I can respect a woman that thinks like this. To make things even funnier, my company is in the middle of going under and I am a ball of stress right now. There is one other major issue too that we disagree on... which is the kids (not what you are thinking). We actually both don't want kids (which is good). But, again, in my experience when with another person that also didn't want kids, we agreed to abort if there was an accident so we don't mess up both of our lives or the child's. She doesn't seem to be able to handle that. I just don't believe that having unplanned kids is a good idea. I know that is controversial, and trust me I do not want to know anyone's opinion on it. But, it is still a stressor. My question is, is it time to move on? I am not sure. I do love her, but I'm not sure that is enough for her or for me. I think that's totally absurd, too, and completely outdated. If she doesn't want to budge, I guess you just have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. It certainly would be for me. Even if you both love each other, 'love' alone isn't enough in a long term perspective - you need to share basics in terms of long terms goals, how to deal with finances and day to day practicalities, and have some kind of shared norms and values. With regard to children, I'm in a similar situation. I have never wanted children and neither does my partner. He would want an abortion if there was an 'accident', I'm not so sure. I can't say that I absolutely wouldn't have an abortion, but it's also quite likely that I wouldn't be able to go through with one. I think this is really less of an issue as there are so many ways to prevent pregnancy these days that 'accidents' are hardly 'accidents' anymore.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I'm not sure if a post was deleted on here..because I don't see anything about abortion! In either case..6 months of dating a girl..and moving in is quite a little early don't you think? I wouldnt waste my time on this one. She expects you to support her..which is ridiculous. I don't understand what sort of future you are looking for ..but its a definate red flag that you won't be having a great one with someone like this. 6 months in a relationship and she seems to think that you should support her? REALLY??? Save yourself some heartache and MONEY! She's not a keeper..but more of a freeloader! I am 30 with an 11 year old kid 2 jobs and I had I not had any kids I'd be out there making more money! I don't get these kids these days!
denise_xo Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I'm not sure if a post was deleted on here..because I don't see anything about abortion! It's in the OP: There is one other major issue too that we disagree on... which is the kids (not what you are thinking). We actually both don't want kids (which is good). But, again, in my experience when with another person that also didn't want kids, we agreed to abort if there was an accident so we don't mess up both of our lives or the child's. She doesn't seem to be able to handle that.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Okay I just read the part about the abortion! That just reads immaturity on both your parts. Don't want kids..use protection! Kind of irrational of you to be talking about this stuff 6 months into a relationship and moving someone who thinks you should support her in this little time frame. And I can bet that if she does move in and ends up pregnant..she will keep it..because than it will be more of a reason as to why she shouldnt work and have you support her even more. Just save yourself now..before you make the worst decision in your life!
Duckduckgoose Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Two abortions where I live is the cost of one vasectomy. Use BC and rubbers please, or some kind of BC. I am pro-choice, but abortion should be a last ditch end of the road solution. I have a friend who is a post-partum nurse and she is trying so hard to be pregnant. Her and her H have had no luck thus far (I offered to donate my eggs to her if she needs them). She tells me about all the women who have had multiple abortions as the only form of BC and how it really messed up their bodies. But enough of that. Your girl expects you to support her even when you have offered a more than fair solution. She is the one being crappy about this. If you are sure she is not just trying to use you (and maybe stick you with a kid), then offer to help her find work, send her newspapers, link her some local job websites, etc. It shows that you are thoughtful and looking out for her as well. 6 months long distance is kind of a short time to be together for her to want to shack up with you and live off you. Tread lightly with this one.
zengirl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Yea, I don't have a problem (and volunteered) to support her while she finds work and gets on her feet. I also told her I would do an income based split of the shared expenses.. so if she maid 1/2 of what I did then she would pay 1/2 of the amount in bills that I would. It didn't seem to matter. This is a reasonable and generous way to approach it. Her way is crazy, selfish, and sexist. As far as the kids thing, I see it from a woman's perspective, perhaps. I could never abort a baby that's living inside of me, and I'm very much pro-choice (I actually do a lot of work with Planned Parenthood). But having it surgically sucked out of my womb would be another story, for me. I get her emotional response to it. If you're THAT serious about not having a kid (and it sounds like you are sure you never want them, but maybe I'm wrong), maybe you should get a vasectomy. (It's much more easily reversed than tubes tied, and much less complications.)
Recommended Posts