firefly12385 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hello fellow loveshackers. I'll cut to the chase. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and have a son who is 1. I made the initial mistake - saying "yes". I'm more than willing to man up to that one. It's true. My husband comes from eastern Europe. He has been in this country for 11 years. I was born and raised here in the states. Nothing wrong with bi-cultural marriages/relationships, but I just don't think it's for me. Again, MY mistake (BIG mistake) for saying "yes" in the first place. He took me to Europe to visit family after we had been dating for 1 year. Took me on a horse-drawn carriage ride through an "enchanted forest", got down on 1 knee, and here we are today. Here's a quick timeframe (and I mean quick) as to the events that took palce: Met - 1 yr later got engaged - 1 year later got married - got pregnant and had a miscarriage - husband started graduate school - husband started new job working 50+ hrs a week - school took 80% of his time away from me - got pregnant again and had baby - had PUPPS virus for 6 months of the pregnany (Google it) - had baby - bought house - went back to work - husband got new job - we are miserable. In a nutshell, I feel as though I took the plunge too early (I was 22 when he proposed). I have a BEAUTIFUL, beautiful son who I adore, but my husband and I...we're no longer that. Husband and wife. We have grown apart physically and emotionally (have not been intimate in 3+ months at least). I am 26, he is 31. Nothing wrong with that, but, AGAIN...for me, I think this all happened too early. I have been feeling this way for about a year, but never said a peep to anyone in hopes of the feelings fixing themselves and going back to how "they should be". Like I said before, nothing wrong with bi-cultural marriages, but my husband's family is the type that wants to be together 24/7. I feel (and have always felt) smothered, overwhelmed, and someone controlled. They went through a war in the mid 90s and saw a lot of gore and torture and I'm sure they're still suffering from this, but in turn it has made the majority of them extremely paranoid, nervous, and edgy. My husband does have a short temper, but he never once hit me or abused me in any physical way. I feel as though I saw this man, this beautiful, kind, prince of a man, his beautiful family, and nothing else. I didn't take the time to really get a feel for what I would be getting myself into, the language barriers (although I've learned their language fairly well), and the religious/cultural barriers. We raise our son differently for the most part as well. I care for my H as a person, and I am proud of him for the things he has accomplished in his life, but unfortunately, my mistake has lead me to the point where I want to move on with my life alone. I have no feelings for him anymore beyond being civil. I do not love him as a husband or in any intimate way. It's just...dead. The feelings are just gone. I have agreed to speak with a family psychologist this week with him to see if anything can be done, but in all honesty...I just want to move on As selfish as it may seem, I cannot continue this way. He is absolutely devistated. He's been crying for the last couple days at the thought of us parting, and it kills me to see him in that way, but inside I feel like I am doing the right thing.
Author firefly12385 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 ...I was just looking for comments, nothing in particular
fltc Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I don't know what to say, you've made your decision, you're not asking for someone to talk you out of it or confirm it, what exactly do you want to hear?
Author firefly12385 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Like I said, just comments I suppose. Or maybe I just wanted to get all of that out in writing I guess my H should be the one posting here...
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Your new life without him: Do you have a new man in mind? What financial benefits will you gain by divorcing him? Will you walk away with a nice enough chunk to not have to worry for awhile? Did he earn it, or did you? Why did you marry a man that you didn't love? I think the last one needs scrutiny. If you are emotionally distant enough that you don't form true intimate bonds, you are going to repeat that unless you find out why, and learn how to correct it.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Well, the way you have laid it out is very logical to you and very valid to you I'm sure. Is this the first that your husband has come to know that you were unhappy?
hopesndreams Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have been feeling this way for about a year, but never said a peep to anyone in hopes of the feelings fixing themselves and going back to how "they should be". Kept it to yourself huh? No wonder your H is beside himself, you blindsided him. It took you that time to gradually wean yourself off him and then it's bye bye hubby. You got it right when you wrote this....I just want to move on As selfish as it may seem, I cannot continue this way. Why bother seeing a psychologist? Your hell bent on destroying the family unit and have had lots of time to get used to the idea and then put a plan into action. Speaking of which, where are you going? Do you have anyone to go to?
marqueemoon4 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 So your mistake is going to cost your H being a full time father to your child? Thats a drag. I guess its better than living a lie, but man, the consequences to 2/3 of your family will be huge.
Author firefly12385 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 No, there is/was no other man. We both make enough money to live comfortably, so I would be ok financially, and we already spoke about our son, we would both have him 50/50. I am admitting to my mistake of not saying anything, which...yes, it why he's in shocked mode right now. Who wouldn't be. Why did I say "yes" to begin with? That's exactly what I'm still trying to figure out I suppose. I thought I loved him because I was never in a relationship as deep with anyone else. He was/is good to me, and treated me well. I hadn't been in many relationships at all actually before him.
trippi1432 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Thanks H&D, didn't catch that....Firefly, you have been leaving the marriage for a year...you are way ahead of your husband. He hasn't even had time to breath and catch up. Like I said previously, it's all logical in your mind but what about your children. As YGG stated, where do you see the aftermath of this leading to? Are you really going to be happier when the kids are away from you and with him and what about holidays traveling to Europe to see his family (if the family is still out of the country). While it sounds like you have it all laid out here...there seems to be more to think through. You say your husband is a prince of a man, I don't really believe you don't feel anything for him...sounds more like you have lost a little of yourself along the way perhaps? Between his school and work, it's understandable how two people can lose sight of each others needs in the marriage, but while you were formulating why you weren't happy, what did you do to convey this to him? It's great that you are going to counseling with him, but I would suggest doing that with an open mind. Edited January 18, 2011 by trippi1432
chuzzbug Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 His job now is to piece his life together again, and find meaning with out. Your job now is to look into yourself and explore the dynamics that brought the two of you together. He will likely to want to find another experience, just like you. You, on the other hand, will want to avoid it. Two people, in love, parting ways. It's painful. You're stricken with guilt and remorse, he with pain. My own situation is somewhat of a mirror. I am he, and my ex is you. Let me tell you this, though. The best thing you can do for him is not postpone your departure. Don't give false hope (I've had it, it's crushing). Have the strength to sever ties as soon as possible - it's civil, kind and if you care about him (even though not romantically), it's the best for him, you and ultimately the memories of the two of you.
robf1971 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 He is absolutely devistated. He's been crying for the last couple days at the thought of us parting, and it kills me to see him in that way, but inside I feel like I am doing the right thing. No disrespect meant but why do some people bother getting married? What a waste of time and money.
marqueemoon4 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 No disrespect meant but why do some people bother getting married? What a waste of time and money. they think its the thing to do. Or in my case it was an insurance policy for my wife since we had a child together.
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