Sad Daddy just broken up with

[BrianG]

Hello Everyone,

 

Unfortunately, I am back on Loveshack and could use your advice, help, guidance, support, whatever. Here is some background info to help.

 

We were together for about a year and a half. I am 32 and she is 27, and my son is now 5 months old. She just got out of a 3 year relationship shortly prior to dating me. We were dating for 4 months before she got pregnant with my son because of a birth control mix up. We both don't believe in abortion, and I fully supported her throughout the pregnancy, and I fully believed that during her pregnancy, and afterwards we were building something special. So a couple months into the pregnancy, we moved into together and I made it a home for us. I stepped up and did everything right. I moved us both in with her being pregnant, decorated the house, my son's room etc. Regardless, of all that happened with the birth of my son, I thought we were building a future together, and through this whole process I fell in love with her and I wanted her to be the person I spend the rest of my life with. I knew we were not ready to get married, because I knew things happened so quickly and I wanted things to be right between us and see if there was a future with us,regardless of our son, and she agreed.

 

To keep this short and sweet, if you need more details let me know, but I will jump to now. Before the break-up I sensed things were distant with her. She was not being affectionate and she would go out with friends, and ultimately stay over her friends house without the common courtesy of a phone call/txt letting me know. So I confronted with that and the affection, just to communicate and find out what was going on with her. So last week she said that she needed space to think about things (yes, i know what your thinking, but in this case at the moment there is no other guy, so please don't say there is because it is not true and I am not in denial just to put that out there). So since we are living together, I stayed at a friends place to give her some space and said we will talk next week. I took my son to my parents for the weekend to give her more space, and in the back of my mind to figuratively slap some sense into her to realize what she is doing and get a snapshot of what life would be without me, even though with our son, we will be connected forever.

 

So we talk last night and she says that she is incapable of loving me the way I deserve. I know bs, she says i am the best person she ever met, i did nothing wrong, but she feels something is missing and that she does not feel a chemistry between us. I know you cannot make someone love you or argue about the way they feel.

 

So here I am, completely heartbroken. I think she is giving up too easily, but apparently she has felt this way for awhile, and I know you cannot make someone love you. We both cannot afford to live somewhere else at the moment, and we have 4 months left on our lease. I know I have to do what is best for my son as he is my #1 priority. I just don't know what to do or how to act. Whether I like it or not, I have to live with her for another few months. Obviously NC is not an option, because of our son and current living situation. So I'm asking for your help, how do I act around her, what do I do because I am shocked, sad, heartbroken. I know the keep busy, focus on work, hobbies, etc. I am just questioning how of this will play out as this women will be connected to me my entire life.

 

Thanks for reading and any guidance is appreciated

[SimonSerenade]

Snap, pretty much same situation I was in nearly 2 years back, after our son was born she moved of and dumped me, I knew we argue every now and then but it came out the blue, she said she lost love for me and couldn't deal with me in her life anymore but she came back for me 2 months later, never moved back in though and even the. I felt pretty messed up at her loss of feelings cause it made me doubt myself n think of her being with somebody better, eventually I got over all that n we were great then she decided to finish me again, been near 6 months without her now, she's been nothing but cold and heartless towards me since, I've still managed no contact though, I just have family members helping me by picking him up and dropping him off for me on the weekend, seeing her move on without me and having those family dreams without me is a hard hump to get over but there's nothing I can do about it unfortunately and same for you, my advice to you would be to give her time and space and hope for the best, she dumped you on your ass, she can't expect you to live with her, take your son and go to your parents or a friends, don't be a fool like me n let her selfish actions aftect you living with your son and watching him grow, put your foot down and leave then go no contact.

[BrianG]

thanks for the response. that sucks man, any other advice, could really use it right now

[BrianG]

thanks for the response. that sucks man, any other advice, could really use it right now from anyone

[bluebirdsfly]

I'm sorry to hear your situation. You sound like loving person.

 

Is it possible that she has postpartum depression? For many women, it automatically clears up after a short period of time, if not, she should visit a doctor to improve her condition.

[BrianG]

bluebird,

 

I am not a doctor, but I dont think so. She just feels there is no chemistry between us. She says that she wants to speak to a psychiatrist to sort out some issues because she wants to be madly in love with me, and thinks I am a wonderful person, but for some reason its just not there for her, and feels something is missing. I have never been in this situation before, but I know I cannot change the way she feels. I was hoping we could work on this together as a couple, but I know chemistry is not something that you can work on, its just something that is there or not is what she communicated to me.

[Kansas]

Here's a perspective ... It sounds like her life is catching up with her. Perhaps she didn't fully deal/heal after leaving her 3 year relationship (and by that I don't mean getting over her ex, but genuinely healing before moving forward); Jumped into a relationship with you shortly after wards, one that was supportive and loving and offered everything that she thought she was looking for at the time. As she's adjusting to this, she suddenly finds herself pregnant - decision made. You're thrown together. 9 months of baby distracts her. Baby is finally here and she finally has an opportunity to pause and re-evaluate her life. She finally takes a moment to ask herself the questions she should of asked herself a long time ago, but didn't - do I want this? Fast forward to now and here you are.

 

I don't think its a question of you doing anything wrong, because you totally stepped up to the plate. But would the two of you still have been together, were it not for the baby? Was this something that she was already feeling back then, but then life started moving too fast for you to take a minute and get those answers. I think in the end for her, it may be a question of being with someone she wants to be with vs. being with someone that she should be with just because you have a child together and that's why she is giving you the chemistry thing. I think its good that she's seeing a therapist to finally figure all of these things out and to deal with her issues. Would she be open to couple's counseling? At the end of the day, there's not much you can do or say to change how she feels in her heart, but you have to feel like you've done everything you can for your own sake and for your child's sake.

[BrianG]

Kansas,

 

I brought up the idea of couple's counseling, but she feels that nothing is wrong and/or I am/did nothing wrong for us to see a counselor. I would like to because I don't want to give up. It's just the chemistry is not there for her is what she is telling me. Like we both said, I cannot change the way she feels.

Any advice on how I should handle things going forward?

[Kansas]

BrianG, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can and she is putting up road block, after road block. She hasn't left you any options at all. If all she will give you is - there's no chemistry, we're done and after all of this time together is not even willing to consider going to a counsellor together, I don't know what else you could possibly do. I think you have to focus on your son and make sure that he's your top priority. Personally, I would go to counselling for myself to help me figure out how to better deal with the situation and to make sure that whatever I was going through wouldn't domino down to my son. There's no right answer here. Make sure that you surround yourself with loving and supportive people - your support group will be key in this time for both you and your son. She needs to go through whatever it is that she is going through. I really don't think that any of this is about you. I think its all her.