Yeahsussu Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi everyone, My BF of 2,5 years and I finally talked about what´s gonna happen now after I leave his country tomorrow. And I didn´t really get the answers I wanted to hear. I´ve been here for a year now, and he doesn´t feel he can do this LDR again and can´t be commited to that right now. He want´s to do a job-thing now which is his first priority, and the training for that will start in late March. He doesn´t know how long it will go for, he said it might be for a season, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, who knows.. I respect this cause I know that he´s been wanting to do this for a long time, before he met me. He also said he doesn´t want me to sit around at home and wait for him, cause right now he doesn´t have any plans to come to my country (I wanted him to come just for a few months to see what it´s like and get a feel for it). He wants me to continue my life and he will too. He says our relationship has always been complicated because of the distance, and it will not get any easier. He still loves me, but he just can´t continue. At the same time he said that we might get back together after he finished his job, depending on how long it takes... I´m so hurt right now and I´ve been crying all morning after he left for work. I´ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and he feels like "the one" for me, I can see a future with him. I´ve never dealt with this kind of breakup before, I´m 25 and he is my second serious boyfriend (he´s 24). I feel like i´ve split into 1000 pieces and I don´t know how to put them back together. How do I cope with this?? As bad as it sounds, I´m kinda hoping he wont like the job and come back to me, but I´m afraid to have any expectations cause I never wanna experience this again. Guess I just needed to get some words out and if anyone bothered to read this, please give me some advice on what to do, how to deal with this cause I´m a wreck and I have no idea... He still wants to keep in touch after I leave and I want that too, I guess it´s just gonna be weird not doing it as boyfriend and girlfriend anymore... P.S. Didn´t really know wheter to put this in the LDR forum or Break-up forum, guess it´s kinda a mix of both...
folieadeux Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. If you can take comfort in one thing right now, I think it's good that you both are at least being honest with each other and appear to have good communication. So many people going through similar situations are left never having any closure, so at least he's willing to openly discuss everything with you, no matter how hard the subject matter. I'm not really sure what advice I can give as it seems like he's already made up his mind. I also don't think it feasible to keep your relationship on hold, especially seeing as he won't know if he's going to be gone for three months or three years...that's an enormous difference you're talking about. I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but I really think it's best for the both of you if you're not going to be together, to move on. It's not fair to him or you to put your life on hold for years...it's not realistic and you both will be completely different people more than likely in three year's time.
Author Yeahsussu Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for your support, it is very appreciated. I just wish he would´ve talked to me about this earlier, about his plans... so we at least could´ve talked about it more and meet half way kinda.. Now it´s all about his needs, what he thinks and feels. I know it´s not fair to put my life on hold, he´s not able to give me a timeframe on how long he will be doing this thing. That´s kinda what hurts the most. If I at least would know when he would be done maybe I could´ve waited for him. But it seems as he is not ready for any commitment to me, we are on different pages there. He´s made up his mind and there is nothing I can do to change it. It´s also hard that he is so cuddly etc. now just before I leave, what´s the point in that when it´s gonna end tomorrow anyway? It´s just so increadibly hard, nothing I´ve ever experienced before...
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 i am so sorry about that. i really wish there's an easy way but you really have to move on, and never look back. i am sorry but i think he's too selfish. folieadeux is right, i think his mind is already made up. if i were you, i won't keep in touch with him anymore. to hell with that. i mean, you should not sell yourself short. if he cannot give you commitment, why would you agree to be friends for his comfort. that's just too much convenience on his part while you're trying to figure out if you can still have a relationship. you just have to be strong...i know it's easier said than done, but i have been in your shoes before too and i know how much more pain you'd suffer if you continue to hope.
Author Yeahsussu Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your response. Yeah i´m trying not to have my hopes up. I know I will just suffer even more if I do that. It´s just so increadibly hard to let go of someone you´re still crazy in love with.. ;( And I don´t understand how he can take it so "lightly", it´s like he´s already moved on kinda.. He said I have friends and family that will look after me now when I go home. It´s just so heartbreaking! He sent me a text today when he´s at work, asking how i´m doing... just told him i´ve had better days.. This is the worst thing i´ve ever experienced.. I want this to work, but as you guys said, I can´t continue to hope. He´s doing this job to get away from his parents and where he lives at the moment, he says he needs time for himself. I guess when i go home now we can both get a perspective on things when we´re apart, cause we´ve been living so closely together for a year now. I don´t know how I´m ever gonna find anyone as good as him, or love anyone as much as him.... Edited January 18, 2011 by Yeahsussu
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I don´t know how I´m ever gonna find anyone as good as him, or love anyone as much as him.... you will...maybe it would still be him. but in order for that to happen you should let him realize what he will lose
creighton0123 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Go to the grocery, buy a gallon jug of your favorite ice cream, pudding, or whatever, down it while crying your eyes out, then take a nap. You experienced an unexpected and difficult break up. You are experiencing the emotions that you're going to experience. Ride the wave of these emotions, but keep your eyes open to new experiences that will make you feel happy. When you're ready, go have some fun. The key is to recognize that the emotions you're feeling may hurt and may suck, but they're not a bad thing. Ride them out for a few days and things will improve. You just got out of this relationship. Spend time time taking care of yourself and thinking about what you'll do when you want to move on. I'd advise not talking to him for a while - at least for a few months (if not a year or more).
Author Yeahsussu Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Right now it doesn´t feel like we´ve broken up. I left his country on Wednesday, and got home last night. And to sum it up it was THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. We both cried our eyes out at the airport, he said he couldn´t let me go, and we said "i love you" to each other like a 100 times or more. We said that this is bye for now. Whatever that means. Right now I feel so increadibly empty. I don´t even know where to start. I don´t even wanna believe it´s over cause it doesn´t feel like its over. We still love each other increadibly, we´ve got such a deep bond with each other, and we´ve sent text messages to each other all the time since I left, and he tells me how much he misses me and how much he loves me and he doesn´t know what to do with himself now that I´m not there. He says it´s so lonely in bed without me, when I´m not at home when he comes back from work etc... I don´t really know how to deal with this. I want to be with this man. He is my life. I would be willing to relocate to his country if that means I can be with him for the rest of my life, and i´ve told him that. But right now he´s got this job coming up, and the hardest thing is not knowing when it will end. It would be so much different, and easier to cope with if I at least knew an end date to this. We´ve been able to pull of 1,5 years already only as a long distance relationship, and now it feels like we´re back on square one again. Now we have to do it all over again kinda. Please someone give me advice, this is eating me up inside.
heartshaped Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 So it is impossible for you to relocate to his country until after he is through with this job? I understand that this is something that is very important to him, but in my opinion, people have to make priorities and it seems like he is putting this job before you. It's not really fair for you to wait for him and I really hope you doesn't if he can't at least give you some sort of time line for all of this.
Author Yeahsussu Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 He will start training for his job in late march. And I can´t go to his country now anyway as I need to be away from the country for 3 months before I can enter it again. And by then he´s already off to his new job. All i want is some type of time frame for this. We are so good together, we´ve had the most wonderful relationship, and it feels like he is throwing it away just because of this job. I know it´s not easy cause we live in total opposites of the world, but still... People have done it before, and I´m sure if we both put everything into it, we can do this. But he doesn´t realize that, but is just so focused on this new job. So hurtful when I want so much more, and he is too scared or wateva to give it a proper go
Mei Mei Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Sorry to see that you are so hurting. My So and I are also very far from each others like from Asia to Europe. But we are very happy together in these two years though we are mostly apart. The core to maintain the relationship is our commitment, honesty and good communication. I see that your bf needs commitment to LD again and communication goes south though he appears very honest to meet his own need than your united need. It takes two to a tango. You have to see if he meets cores virtues for this relationship before making plan ahead! Best of luckkkkk!
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