heel_ing Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 New here. Been reading posts for a couple of months. I finally posted here, because like some, after 3 months I thought it would get easier. Well in some ways, it has. Things have improved. I can sleep a full night. I don't have panic attacks. I don't stare off into space alot and look like a bomb just went off inside. My sense of humor is returning. I go out and talk to people. Quick backround: I'm in my early thirties. I had one gf when I was in college for a second that I lost my you know what to, then one girl through most of my twenties who I dated at first but then was just a really long term FWB. That girl wanted more, but I kept her at bay because she was psychologically unstable. I still feel bad for stringing that one along for so so long, both in terms of wasting time, and her feelings. We were good friends in many ways, though, and I was trying to support or help her (in that mindset). Then a year and a half ago I commenced what I would consider to be my first really serious committed relationship. It was very very intense. We ended up moving in together for a few months. Things fell apart in Oct. It was a classic case of her beginning the grieving fairly long before the end, so she had an easier time moving on. The bomb detonated in me at the end, so my recovery is....continuing..... I went NC at first, then at the beginning of Dec, decided to take a full plunge and go over there, to get a table (haha, of course we all know about those excuses). It was good at first, then it got real becuase I still had feelings and she told me to have no hope. Anyways, I figured that it would at least sever my head and help me move on. NC since then. But the obsessing isn't getting much better. I know she loves me, and I love her, and there is well wishing. Nothing really bad went down. She is younger, by 7 years, and that had a lot to do with things. I know that we're not quite right for each other. She called it, she was the one that let go. We have a deep connection, but we were meant to be catalysts, not 'the one.' Even with knowledge and wisdom, healing still seems to crawl. I'm attractive, intelligent, and creative, but shy. She's cute, outgoing, great personality, and already out there dating. That's where my anger manifests, of course, from the ego, from having to accept how I operate out there in the social world and single, that things take time and I'm a bit awkward, and not in my twenties, and a newbie to dating still. For a while I was talking myself into all that forgiveness stuff, letting go, etc, but recently I have been dealing with large amounts of anger. And even thoughts of retaliation or breaking NC. I know it would have a horrible effect if I did either, but those feelings can really take hold strongly. Like I said, the context IS that we were about 70 percent, if you know what I mean, it didn't work out. I guess my pain has been so enormous that at some point in the process one just wants to lash out for some reason.... The hardest part, the most obsessive part, is knowing that someone has moved on and you're still trying. I know she grieved, but it occured while we were still together. That's the classic case, of course, and that really spells the end truly. That time I went there and straight for it, I asked too many questions. That was my fault I know, but what I got still messes with me to this day. I thought the truth would set me free, and I think in some way it did, but it also ****ed my head up something fierce.
Rose T Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi heel_ing! Welcome to LS. First of all, don't feel strange for being in your early thirties and not having much relationship experience. I'm in my early thirties and have only just come out of my first long term relationship (5 years). You sound "normal" (that's supposed to be a compliment!) Dating etc. in college, messy stuff in your twenties (very very normal!!) and having enjoyed a deeper connection now. There are no rules for this kind of stuff, everyone's on different dating / maturity / commitment schedules. So you have to stop thinking about that and about your ex's age, as if that somehow disadvantages you going forward. Forget her. I know it's easy to say, but don't dwell on her dating habits or what she might be doing now. I hope you've blocked her everywhere. You need to stop asking those questions, stick your fingers in your ears and sing. Really - all that is only stopping you heal. Let's get back to you. You might feel like a "newbie" in the romance stakes but just because you haven't been in lots of long term relationships I bet you know a lot more about women and dating than you think. One thing that LS shows you is that people break up all the time so there's no right age to be single and looking. Your 30s are when the game really gets interesting as people of both sexes who aren't already committed start taking relationships seriously and have hopefully learned enough to make healthy decisions when they meet someone they like. Just stay away from the stuff about your ex and you know you're never more than 12 hours away from meeting a fabulous girl. You just have to clear out the cobwebs first to make it happen.
Author heel_ing Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the response. I am in NC, we aren't friends on FB, hid pics and other stuff, etc. I try not to think about things concerning her, but its really quite hard not to. I just surrender to the thoughts, and do my best to let go and or distract myself. I've done my best to forget her and to move on, but there's an amount of spinning that my mind does that I don't really seem to have any control over. Also considering that nothing bad went down and such, and its a hard one to just "forget". I grew a lot, we shared some great times, and it helped me immensely. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I'm not saying i'm abnormal, but yeah just not a lot of experience. I've slept with the aformentioned three women (including the ex), that's it. All these relationships just basically fell into my lap. So i've never really been 'out there', as it were... Edited January 17, 2011 by heel_ing
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