My SO is off his meds. Refuses to go back on.

[tinktronik]

I don't see why "I'm leaving you" shouldn't be on the table right now. He's threatening to bring way more cost than benefit to the deal. He could screw you over completely. The best insurance is to get your assets separated right away.

 

It is on the table. It may completely be on the table regardless of wether he becomes med compliant or not. I am really upset that he has been lying to me about his meds for a year at least. How will I ever know if he is taking them the right way or not?

 

I'm thinking about flying out to my mother's for a week or two or three to figure this out. I really did not want to have to make any big decisions while expecting, but I guess that's life.

 

Our assets are all mine. Everything is in my name, all the bills, the house (which sucks because in order to get him out I would have to let it go for eviction), the cars, the business, all credit and bank cards, the business account.

 

I don't know what would happen to him if I just went and did not come back. I suspect he would become homeless a least for a time. Honestly, when he's like this he could care less wether I stayed or went.

[Star Gazer]

It is on the table. It may completely be on the table regardless of wether he becomes med compliant or not. I am really upset that he has been lying to me about his meds for a year at least. How will I ever know if he is taking them the right way or not?

 

I'm thinking about flying out to my mother's for a week or two or three to figure this out. I really did not want to have to make any big decisions while expecting, but I guess that's life.

 

Our assets are all mine. Everything is in my name, all the bills, the house (which sucks because in order to get him out I would have to let it go for eviction), the cars, the business, all credit and bank cards, the business account.

 

This is all a relief to hear.

 

Perhaps you can take baby steps, like cutting off his access to your bank cards and car? A bit of an ultimatum? Again, I have no idea how to handle something like this, I'm just hoping maybe something not as drastic might snap some sense into him. Although, taking off for your mom's sounds like a good idea.

 

I don't know what would happen to him if I just went and did not come back. I suspect he would become homeless a least for a time. Honestly, when he's like this he could care less wether I stayed or went.

 

Do you think you'd be drawn back in if you learned he was homeless?

[tinktronik]

Yes it is....Maybe the Dr can get thru to him somehow..

 

Be ready or have ready a real consequence for him not being med compliant from here forward.. that might help give the Dr a helping hand..

I'm not saying to pull it out or reveal it.. but just have one ready and in your mind to be used tomorrow if needed.

 

Good luck

 

Do you have any ideas on what a consequence could be? I'm fresh out of anything that may matter to him.

[tinktronik]

This is all a relief to hear.

 

Perhaps you can take baby steps, like cutting off his access to your bank cards and car? A bit of an ultimatum? Again, I have no idea how to handle something like this, I'm just hoping maybe something not as drastic might snap some sense into him. Although, taking off for your mom's sounds like a good idea.

I'm trying to think of things that I could maybe do. Really, without me in his life he would have to go a completely new direction. The business he works for is mine, though he is a HUGE part of it. If I left he would have no transportation, no source of money, no lights, heat... ect. However, I don't think he would panic until the latest possible moment.

 

Do you think you'd be drawn back in if you learned he was homeless?

This is a giant question. I think yes, I think no. I have this big heart and it's really hard for me to untangle once I have set my heart somewhere. It would crush me to see a person I love be that low.

 

When I met my SO he was a person to be admired. He had so many really BIG achievements in his life, things most people never even aspire to. But as the years have gone by he has become more and more dependent on me for stability in many ways. I started the business to pay the bills once he fell apart and am the glue that holds it together. He has the same brilliant ideas that once earned him the golden ring but he, for whatever reasons, does not dare reach for that ring. I have been frustrated so many times after putting together real opportunities, sure bets, for him where all he has to do is take the last step only to see him (forgive my language) chicken ***** out. I am disappointed at every turn it seems. I have tried so hard to cement is stability, to where he does not NEED me, and in a way that it benefits us both amazingly while we are a pair. I just don't understand.

[smilesalot1]

I so don't need this right now.

 

I've been noticing some instances of "irrationality" in my SO (diagnosed bipolar) lately (around 3 months). They have become more extreme as of late. He has become argumentative, moody, and really his rationale just did not seem... well rational. So I have been urging his to talk to his doc about adjusting his meds. The last week to 2 weeks he has been just behaving bizarrely.

 

Last Wed. I missed my (pregnancy) doc appt. because he took off with all of the bank cards. When I was upset he insisted that I should have gone to the doc anyway. There was no gas in the car and I had no money for parking and he had taken my bank cards. But he is still insisting I should have gone and have no right to be upset. There are more and more instances of this.

 

He told me today that he has actually been off his meds completely for 3 months at least and "playing" with them for a year. He refuses to go see his doc and says he will not take his meds. I am so pissed. We chose to have a baby now b/c he had great med compliance, our lives had stabilized since he was diagnosed, I am in remission from a disease that greatly affects pregnancy for me and now's the time or never. But the biggest factor was that he was well, showing signs of long smooth mood stability, and completely back to his former self. I can't force him to take his meds. He's too irrational to reason with about medicating or anything else.

 

He has been lying to me! God Damnit. I just cannot do this, I am going to crumble and fall apart.

 

I am bipolar and have been off my medication for 6 months. Sometimes people that are self medicating do this to get attention. I know... I used to do it. They also do it because they truly believe they are okay. You are going to have to find a time (which will come) and talk to him. Encourgage him to see his doctor for the sake of your relationship and the baby. Sometime people also use bipolar to "ACT OUT" AND HAVE AN EXCUSE. Does he fear fatherhood? Please don't take this wrong, but are you extra emotional since your pregnancy? You have alot of things going on and both of you should go together to counceling and medication review. I am a Christian and give God the glory for helping me with my disorder.

[tinktronik]

I am bipolar and have been off my medication for 6 months. Sometimes people that are self medicating do this to get attention. I know... I used to do it. They also do it because they truly believe they are okay. You are going to have to find a time (which will come) and talk to him. Encourgage him to see his doctor for the sake of your relationship and the baby. Sometime people also use bipolar to "ACT OUT" AND HAVE AN EXCUSE. Does he fear fatherhood? Please don't take this wrong, but are you extra emotional since your pregnancy? You have alot of things going on and both of you should go together to counceling and medication review. I am a Christian and give God the glory for helping me with my disorder.

 

Maybe this is a fear of fatherhood thing? This was a planned baby, he had plenty of time to back out or change his mind. I even told him that if he decided not to have another child that I would be comfortable using a sperm bank and that he would have no legal or financial obligations to said child. It was completely up to him what he wanted to participate in or not participate in.

 

I'm not super emotional, in fact I'm normally pretty dead pan emotionally, so at best I might be slightly normal emotionally now. I'm going to do my best to drag him to see his doc and I'm going to ask my doc for a recommendation to a support group for me.

 

Why are you off your meds?

[carhill]

Having done it, I'm an advocate of agree, distract, lie and do what is necessary to ensure the safety of the patient and the caregiver, which is what you are right now.

 

If he hasn't been taking his meds, but has been refilling them for appearances, there should be a storehouse stashed around. Dollars to donuts he wouldn't throw them out. Gather them up without disturbing the obvious ones and educate yourself, if not already aware, of the what, how and why of the cocktail he's on. Then, with that information, act. Don't talk about it. Remember, agree, diffuse, distract, re-direct. Dispense his meds in any way which is effective.

 

I haven't been married to such a person, but I did care for a psychotic paraphrenic, my mother. I know it's not pleasant. You may have to do things which aren't entirely legal and perhaps which might go against your moral and ethical codes. Up to you what you choose to do. You have the additional burden of maintaining a healthy pregnancy. Please, if not already done, seek out support from family and friends for your own emotional health. My sympathies...

[Star Gazer]

When I met my SO he was a person to be admired. He had so many really BIG achievements in his life, things most people never even aspire to. But as the years have gone by he has become more and more dependent on me for stability in many ways. I started the business to pay the bills once he fell apart and am the glue that holds it together. He has the same brilliant ideas that once earned him the golden ring but he, for whatever reasons, does not dare reach for that ring. I have been frustrated so many times after putting together real opportunities, sure bets, for him where all he has to do is take the last step only to see him (forgive my language) chicken ***** out. I am disappointed at every turn it seems. I have tried so hard to cement is stability, to where he does not NEED me, and in a way that it benefits us both amazingly while we are a pair. I just don't understand.

 

That must be really frustrating, knowing he's got the potential to be so amazingly great, but isn't maximizing it.

[tinktronik]

Having done it, I'm an advocate of agree, distract, lie and do what is necessary to ensure the safety of the patient and the caregiver, which is what you are right now.

 

If he hasn't been taking his meds, but has been refilling them for appearances, there should be a storehouse stashed around. Dollars to donuts he wouldn't throw them out. Gather them up without disturbing the obvious ones and educate yourself, if not already aware, of the what, how and why of the cocktail he's on. Then, with that information, act. Don't talk about it. Remember, agree, diffuse, distract, re-direct. Dispense his meds in any way which is effective.

 

I haven't been married to such a person, but I did care for a psychotic paraphrenic, my mother. I know it's not pleasant. You may have to do things which aren't entirely legal and perhaps which might go against your moral and ethical codes. Up to you what you choose to do. You have the additional burden of maintaining a healthy pregnancy. Please, if not already done, seek out support from family and friends for your own emotional health. My sympathies...

My god, you're right. I wonder if he's got refills stacked up or if he's just been faking going to the appointments? It's probably totally illegal to put them in his food. This is an option though.

 

I will do the doc with him tomorrow, if he will still go to complain about me. But I will be willing to keep my options open.

 

Thank you Carhill. I am seeking out help from family at this point.

[tinktronik]

That must be really frustrating, knowing he's got the potential to be so amazingly great, but isn't maximizing it.

 

He's not even minimizing it. I partially suspect he keeps himself dependent on me so that I won't leave and also that he can't fail if he does not try. It is frustrating as heck.

[Star Gazer]

He's not even minimizing it. I partially suspect he keeps himself dependent on me so that I won't leave and also that he can't fail if he does not try. It is frustrating as heck.

 

Tinky, tons of people feel this way - even the non-bi-polars. But yes, it's frustrating as heck.

[carhill]

If you gain access to the doctor, PA or nurse, slip them a note regarding his refusal on the meds. They technically can't talk to you but they can read. They can then assess and focus their exam as appropriate. Medical professionals, at least any who are competent in rx'ing psych meds, deal with this all the time. If the doc can cook up the cocktail you've described, s/he knows exactly how to test for its efficacy.

 

FWIW, I did all kinds of illegal things. I did what I had to do, for eight years. I'm not in jail or under indictment. The last judge I saw smiled and thanked me for being a good son (on the record). Draw your own conclusions. Remember, one day at a time. One day at a time.

[tinktronik]

Tinky, tons of people feel this way - even the non-bi-polars. But yes, it's frustrating as heck.

Yeah I know. But most people don't completely sever all of their own capability to manage their own lives. This is what bothers me about it.

[tinktronik]

If you gain access to the doctor, PA or nurse, slip them a note regarding his refusal on the meds. They technically can't talk to you but they can read. They can then assess and focus their exam as appropriate. Medical professionals, at least any who are competent in rx'ing psych meds, deal with this all the time. If the doc can cook up the cocktail you've described, s/he knows exactly how to test for its efficacy.

 

FWIW, I did all kinds of illegal things. I did what I had to do, for eight years. I'm not in jail or under indictment. The last judge I saw smiled and thanked me for being a good son (on the record). Draw your own conclusions. Remember, one day at a time. One day at a time.

 

That's really good to know about the notes. I did not know I could do that. I will pass a note.

 

I'm wondering if I could request a new drug called lamotrigine from his doc tomorrow, it is much simpler, 1-2 pills a day and I've heard good things about it. That I could put into food.

[johan]

Having done it, I'm an advocate of agree, distract, lie and do what is necessary to ensure the safety of the patient and the caregiver, which is what you are right now.

 

I'm sure this is all fine, if you're talking about someone who is logically, understandably disabled. I would do a lot to make sure someone in my care got the care they needed. Even things that appeared mean.

 

But the question is, should Tink sign up for a relationship like this with someone who is supposed to be self-sufficient? HE should be the caregiver right now, while she deals with all the other stuff. He shouldn't be adding to the problems and threatening her security. The bottom line to me is, she needs someone she can rely on. Not a boat anchor while she's trying to tread water. And not a patient she has to twist ethics to keep on the right track.

 

Being alone is better than being with someone who is always one step away from pulling you under.

[carhill]

I'm not qualified to give advice on meds, but my experience has been that, with cocktails, it is exceedingly important that they be tweaked very carefully. IMO, this should be one of those 'one thing at a time' deals. See what meds you can find, advise the doctor of his med status and see how it goes. Work with what you have. When you start cooking up too many scenarios, the only thing which gets cooked is your sanity. Perhaps later, after he is more stable, it might be possible to refine the cocktail further into a less onerus regime.

 

BTW, my mom thought her pills had faces and there were people examining her stomach when she took them. LOL. True story. I've got more if you want some psychotic humor

 

But the question is, should Tink sign up for a relationship like this with someone who is supposed to be self-sufficient?

 

That's a good question. I re-read the title and must correct myself; I thought they were married, if only common-law. Perhaps that nuance changes little; perhaps a lot. In essence, they have a similar relationship to that I had with my mom. They love each other but are not married to each other, which creates all kinds of legal situations. I won't presume to compare love for a SO to that of a son for his mother since it's really impossible, but I assume she loves him very much. Where the boundary is only she knows. My advice, when push comes to shove, is for her to save herself. I wish there was an easy answer.

Edited January 18, 2011 by carhill

[tinktronik]

I'm sure this is all fine, if you're talking about someone who is logically, understandably disabled. I would do a lot to make sure someone in my care got the care they needed. Even things that appeared mean.

 

But the question is, should Tink sign up for a relationship like this with someone who is supposed to be self-sufficient? HE should be the caregiver right now, while she deals with all the other stuff. He shouldn't be adding to the problems and threatening her security. The bottom line to me is, she needs someone she can rely on. Not a boat anchor while she's trying to tread water. And not a patient she has to twist ethics to keep on the right track.

 

Being alone is better than being with someone who is always one step away from pulling you under.

I would actually like to hear the consensus on this. Deep down, under layers of worry and stress and just wanting to ignore this, this is what my gut is telling me. That for 9 months out of ten years I should be able to take a breath and relax into him for a change.

 

One part of me says this is bull****. There is no excuse for this right now, that I should have a turn and should run like hell. And another part of me says promises are forever and you take care of the ones you love especially when they are too sick to take care of themselves or understand that they need to.

[johan]

He's a man. His first responsibility is to take care of himself, so that he can make sure he can be there for you. If he's doing nothing but threatening your security, he's not your partner, he's a threat.

 

He might be sick, but he chose to be sick. You don't have to stand for it. And if he's worth being with, he'll correct it. If you stick around, he doesn't have to.

[Star Gazer]

I would actually like to hear the consensus on this. Deep down, under layers of worry and stress and just wanting to ignore this, this is what my gut is telling me. That for 9 months out of ten years I should be able to take a breath and relax into him for a change.

 

One part of me says this is bull****. There is no excuse for this right now, that I should have a turn and should run like hell. And another part of me says promises are forever and you take care of the ones you love especially when they are too sick to take care of themselves or understand that they need to.

 

My thoughts?

 

When you fly, there's a little pre-flight security announcement. The flight attendants say that in the event the cabin loses pressure, you should put on your own air mask before helping others.

 

So, you gotta put yourself first, and not give someone else your own mask, particularly when they refuse to breathe.

 

Probably a bad analogy. In short, I'm tending to agree with J.

[tinktronik]

I'm not qualified to give advice on meds, but my experience has been that, with cocktails, it is exceedingly important that they be tweaked very carefully. IMO, this should be one of those 'one thing at a time' deals. See what meds you can find, advise the doctor of his med status and see how it goes. Work with what you have. When you start cooking up too many scenarios, the only thing which gets cooked is your sanity. Perhaps later, after he is more stable, it might be possible to refine the cocktail further into a less onerus regime.

 

BTW, my mom thought her pills had faces and there were people examining her stomach when she took them. LOL. True story. I've got more if you want some psychotic humor

 

 

 

That's a good question. I re-read the title and must correct myself; I thought they were married, if only common-law. Perhaps that nuance changes little; perhaps a lot. In essence, they have a similar relationship to that I had with my mom. They love each other but are not married to each other, which creates all kinds of legal situations. I won't presume to compare love for a SO to that of a son for his mother since it's really impossible, but I assume she loves him very much. Where the boundary is only she knows. My advice, when push comes to shove, is for her to save herself. I wish there was an easy answer.

We have not married in the decade we've been together. The biggest issue is that he is bipolar and I become responsible for his actions as his wife. I got involved with him in my early 20's and could never have foreseen the issues that would arise. You don't get to have a normal relationship, it becomes caregiver and sick person a good bit of the time. Even when he is well he is not completely stable or capable. I don't know exactly where shove is but it's getting closer, that's for sure. This is the first time I am feeling overwhelmed enough to just say forget this, I can't do it.

[tinktronik]

He's a man. His first responsibility is to take care of himself, so that he can make sure he can be there for you. If he's doing nothing but threatening your security, he's not your partner, he's a threat.

 

He might be sick, but he chose to be sick. You don't have to stand for it. And if he's worth being with, he'll correct it. If you stick around, he doesn't have to.

 

Yes, I can see this. I feel like I am the man in this relationship, he refuses to take those reins and reserves the right to resent or punish me for being strong enough to take those reins. It makes me "harder inside" than I would like to be. I don't know what I've let this whole mess do to me but it's time to reassess and figure this all out.

 

There is a weakness there because I am pregnant and vulnerable right now. I don't know wether to trust my gut or my head or my heart.

[tinktronik]

My thoughts?

 

When you fly, there's a little pre-flight security announcement. The flight attendants say that in the event the cabin loses pressure, you should put on your own air mask before helping others.

 

So, you gotta put yourself first, and not give someone else your own mask, particularly when they refuse to breathe.

 

Probably a bad analogy. In short, I'm tending to agree with J.

 

This is the advice that I would probably give or close to it. It makes me so mad because I know that I have a good head on my shoulders and I can sort this out and see what I should do. There is a little part of me excuse making for him though, like well, this is a disease (he's sick), he has only stopped his meds a couple of times, blah blah blah.

 

My head says dumb girl he will do this after baby is here and you will have a child that goes through life with the pain of her father's unstable personality, this will be at her expense.

 

My heart says help him get straightened out so that he can be a good and active father to this child.

 

And my gut says screw this, run like hell and don't look back. You can do so much more with your life without him holding you back.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

But the question is, should Tink sign up for a relationship like this with someone who is supposed to be self-sufficient? HE should be the caregiver right now, while she deals with all the other stuff. He shouldn't be adding to the problems and threatening her security. The bottom line to me is, she needs someone she can rely on. Not a boat anchor while she's trying to tread water. And not a patient she has to twist ethics to keep on the right track.

 

Being alone is better than being with someone who is always one step away from pulling you under.

 

This is SO TRUE. Tink. You are pregnant. YOU need someone who will look after YOU. And soon, you will have a helpless person who is 100 % dependent upon you. You DON'T have someone looking after you, and you won't have anyone helping you look after your baby, if your SO keeps on this path. You will be stretched, taking care of yourself and your baby.

 

Please, please don't accept the position of caretaker to your adult partner any longer.

 

I was in a similar position. The father of my unborn baby was a using drug addict. I see the situations as comparable because, like a using addict, your SO does have knowledge and resources for being a reliable family member for you and for his unborn child - he is choosing not to use them.

 

My ex's behavior defined our daughter's life. I was responsible for allowing that to happen by continuing what I consider to be an unhealthy, codependent relationship with him.

 

CAN you let him go?

 

I am not thinking of your situation in terms of you giving him an ultimatum ... more like you defining boundaries for yourself and for your child. An appropriate boundary would be NOT allowing an unmedicated bi-polar father to be a part of your lives.

 

I'm really sorry.

[tinktronik]

This is SO TRUE. Tink. You are pregnant. YOU need someone who will look after YOU. And soon, you will have a helpless person who is 100 % dependent upon you. You DON'T have someone looking after you, and you won't have anyone helping you look after your baby, if your SO keeps on this path. You will be stretched, taking care of yourself and your baby.

 

Please, please don't accept the position of caretaker to your adult partner any longer.

 

I was in a similar position. The father of my unborn baby was a using drug addict. I see the situations as comparable because, like a using addict, your SO does have knowledge and resources for being a reliable family member for you and for his unborn child - he is choosing not to use them.

 

My ex's behavior defined our daughter's life. I was responsible for allowing that to happen by continuing what I consider to be an unhealthy, codependent relationship with him.

 

CAN you let him go?

 

I am not thinking of your situation in terms of you giving him an ultimatum ... more like you defining boundaries for yourself and for your child. An appropriate boundary would be NOT allowing an unmedicated bi-polar father to be a part of your lives.

 

I'm really sorry.

I think I can. The question is if he decides to straighten himself out on his meds, do I chance it again or is this just the last straw? Having him unmedicated in our child's life is a no brainer, it can't happen. It's just too unstable and painful.

[tinktronik]

He's off to see his doc today. He backed out of me going with him and decided to walk to the doc this morning. I'm pretty irritated as I again don't know whether he has actually one to the doc or is sitting at a sidewalk cafe or whatever. Things have been tense here.