hkj887 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My ex and I met through a mutual friend and instantly connected. He was talking to someone and so was I, so we were strictly friends, but the more we talked about things the more we realized how much we had in common with what we wanted out of a relationship and in life so when the people we were talking to didn't work out, it was pretty natural for our feelings for each other to develop. We talked every day for about 4 months before we decided to make things "official" and when we did we were both very happy! We considered each other best friends as well as lovers and we would talk every day about everything as well as spend a lot of time together. One of my biggest problems however was that I held back in telling him when things were wrong for fear of him withdrawing and he would always tell to tell him when there was a problem, but when I did he started to withdraw. He stopped wanting to hang out and do things as much, we stopped talking as much and he just had a nonchalant attitude about things which made me push harder to try and work things out. I was constantly trying to talk to him, see him and work out things but it would lead to arguments and complaining that eventually lasted for 3 months. He kept telling me to chill and to stop but I couldn't. He started flirting and talking with other females knowing they liked him and it just made things worse for me. I became an emotional wreck and so we broke up. He'd say things like "it's too much right now, but maybe later in the future" but it still just made me try harder to talk. All I wanted from him was for things to be good again, to spend time together and talk like how we used to.We have now broken up because of all the constant arguing and "drama" and I can't get over it. I can't help but blame myself for everything and I keep getting the urge to text or call him to try and talk and work things out which is really the last thing he wants. He's already back to talking to and hanging out with other girls which was all that I wanted from him. Help me! Was all of this my fault? How do I move on and get over him?
Rose T Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 None of this was your fault, hkj. Relationships are frequently easy at the start (the first 3-6 months) but after the infatuation has worn off, relationships that are meant to go the distance evolve into something more stable. Sadly, this guy sounds a bit immature - I know he said he wanted to hear if there were problems, but when you tried to voice them, he apparently withdrew. I suspect that when you said these talks turned to arguments, he didn't want to deal with your issues, so acted hostile. That's another sign of immaturity. Worst of all, he turned to flirting with other girls when the chips were down and he needed to make you feel secure in the relationship. Even though it seemed good at the start, this guy is not reliable and when he says it's too much for him right now, he means it. You really need to go no contact to give yourself time to heal, put distance between the two of you and move on. Everyone says "go NC" but it really is a great healer. Focus on yourself and don't be afraid to keep communicating in your future relationships. One day you'll find a guy who is happy to listen and wants to make you feel secure. When you do, he'll make you feel a whole lot better than this guy has.
Author hkj887 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks for that advice! I can't help but blame myself to a certain extent. He's only been in 1 relationship before me and it lasted only a month. It seems like every time he meets a girl he really likes and things are going good, the moment "drama" or a problem gets involved, he bams out. I still feel like 1/2 of it is my fault tho, guess I just need to work on the ways in which I contributed to it to.
Rose T Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks for that advice! I can't help but blame myself to a certain extent. He's only been in 1 relationship before me and it lasted only a month. It seems like every time he meets a girl he really likes and things are going good, the moment "drama" or a problem gets involved, he bams out. I still feel like 1/2 of it is my fault tho, guess I just need to work on the ways in which I contributed to it to. Well, he doesn't sound great at relationships, does he? As for working on your own stuff, good for you for taking responsibility. But don't ever be afraid of asking that your needs are met in relationships. I used to try and be "cool" and independent and not ask for anything - it doesn't make them stay, it just gives you unsatisfying relationships. Communication and honesty are the best building blocks for love. The immature guys make you feel like a nag because you're always asking for respect - the really good boyfriends listen to you and make you feel even better that you talked to them about your stuff! You'll be fine.
Recommended Posts