1ofMany Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Okay, so I am sure that you've seen threads like this posted before but my situation is a bit more unique and I need some advice!!! Keep in mind this next bit took place about 4 years ago. First of all, this would not be the first time that I would have been in contact with his ex. Him and her dated for three years and had been broken up for about 1 year before he started dating me. During the year that they were apart they both got into relationships with different people, but kept in contact, mainly via email (her new bf didn’t want her to talk to her ex so they did it behind his back this way). I guess it was about 3 months into our (my bf and I's) relationship when she started calling him. The first few times they talked I was not around and completely unaware they were talking… I honestly had thought she was in his past at this point. But one day she called when my bf and I were hanging out. I could tell that she was asking him questions about how his life was going, how was his family, ect. and I was like whatever… no big deal. But then he left the room and I found out afterwards (because I was curious) that she had let him know that she still had feelings for him and her new boyfriend was verbally abusive blah blah blah. He told me that he responded by telling her he was in a relationship already and was happy with it. Fast forward about a week and she calls him again. This time, I tell him that I am not comfortable with him talking to her since I know she has feelings for him still. To be honest, I wanted to ask him if he had feelings for her, but I was way too afraid of what his answer would be. And a part of me knows that he did because they were each others first love (he is mine) and she had broken it off with him. But he is a really nice guy and a great friend to many so I thought that he was just being there for her. Well, he had a hard time getting those words out to her and I could tell that I was asking him to do something that he didn’t want to do but he loved me and didn’t want to mess up what we had - so he did it. I felt bad for asking afterwards because I was just being insecure…. I realize that there is nothing I could do if they wanted to be together again then they would. Knowing that wasn’t the case, I still asked him not to talk to her anymore and I regret doing that to this day. I was just such a newbie and wasn’t capable of much forethought yet. I reached out to her after that, over a social networking site via a personal message. I had gotten so curious about her by that point considering she had meant so much to the only man I’ve ever loved. I wanted to know what he had seen in her and why it was so hard for him to let go of her. We were living together (I moved into his place) and I had found a drawer of his that had a bunch of pictures, notes, ect from their relationship. It hurt, I won’t lie. It was hard to know that I wasn’t the only person he would have ever loved, even thought he was mine. I needed to know about her…. I don’t know why. Maybe I like to torture myself. Anyways, she responded and we became friends of sorts. We would chit chat back and forth over MSN or whatever when we were at work. Eventually, I was approached by her new bf because she had told him that we were talking. He had some questions about whether she had been in contact with her ex (my bf) at all. I confided the truth in him since I didn’t see nay need to lie for her but he had already known this and just wanted to see if she was lying to him. Since she had deleted all of the emails and correspondence they had he didn’t have any evidence to go by so he didn’t even mention that he knew to her because she would have lied anyways. It’s really strange but the two of us bonded over them. We both talked about their relationship and how it affected them. I was relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one having trouble with this and we also became friends… talking quite a bit. Once my boyfriends ex found out that I was taking to her current beau she was pretty jealous and it only revved up her communication with me. Eventually she didn’t want to talk to me anymore because she thought I was trying to flirt with her boyfriend (oh the irony! Ha.) Fast forward a few years and I recently saw her at her place of employment (a restaurant) and here I am today…. Wondering how she is doing. We did get along really well when we did talk back in the day… she was actually one of the few females I had things in common with (strange, right?). I know that her and her boyfriend have been broken up for about a year now (I still talk to him) so I don’t know if she would still have the same issues that caused us to stop talking. Can I reach out to her? Send her a message on facebook? I don’t know. I should also add that my boyfriend does not talk to her at all anymore. Please, please, please give me some advise… Ive been pining over this for awhile now. Thanks!
FreeheartLover Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Um, her jealousy over your contact with her bf/now exbf is ironic. Touche? It was OK for her to talk to your boyfriend, but not for you to talk to hers? She told your boyfriend she still had feelings for him while he was/is dating you. That is a threat to your relationship. You only contacted her because you were curious, and she kept in contact because she was curious. I would be highly uncomfortable if I were your boyfriend. The way I see it - you have no real reason to rekindle what you thought was friendship with her. Why did you want to befriend her anyways? She probably would've taken your boyfriend back if he decided to leave you for her - back then. Be glad she's out of your life and out of your relationship. If you start talking to her again, it will only invite her back in. F that. Plus, you're still in contact with her ex. What if she found out and got jealous again, so started contact with your boyfriend again?? Do you want to relive the whole dilemma? P.S. You shouldn't have felt bad for asking your boyfriend to stop talking to her. It was inappropriate. P.P.S. Don't be so nice. Edited January 17, 2011 by FreeheartLover
Author 1ofMany Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks, FreeHeartLover. You make some very good points. Thinking about it she was probably not even interested in being my friend but more so in keeping in contact with her ex (even vicariously) through me. She must have been curious about me since he wouldnt leave to be with her, and I was curious about her because she was the only other woman my bf had ever loved. Considering I was 18 at the time and am now 22, hindsight is 20/20. So no, I do not think that I will contact her after all. I just wish I could stop being so curious all the time! Geez whiz whats wrong with me lol.
FreeheartLover Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks, FreeHeartLover. You make some very good points. Thinking about it she was probably not even interested in being my friend but more so in keeping in contact with her ex (even vicariously) through me. She must have been curious about me since he wouldnt leave to be with her, and I was curious about her because she was the only other woman my bf had ever loved. Considering I was 18 at the time and am now 22, hindsight is 20/20. So no, I do not think that I will contact her after all. I just wish I could stop being so curious all the time! Geez whiz whats wrong with me lol. I agree she was probably just keeping the communication line to your boyfriend open through you. I have the same desire/curiosity to reach out to my exbf's exes... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260482/ Let's just vent here instead of contacting those girls!
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