ccnaboy2000 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 So second breakup here, ex just said she wanted to be single still, etc, etc. I just did the same thing as last time, immediate NC. This time I had sent her an email, explaining the reason. It was straight to the point, I basically said, although I love you I cannot be your friend because I want more. I dont really want to see you because I know you will be dating other people and that will be too difficulty for me. So I am moving on with my life. Well the past week I got a few text messages, "I dont understand why your ignoring me I still love you, we can still be together in the future when we sort out our lives" - I didn't respond Few days pass "Stop ignoring me and come have lunch with me" - I didnt respond. Last night about 10pm - "I'm coming over, I'll be there in a few minutes" - I didnt respond, she never shows up. Midnight - "I got your email and I responded" - I didnt respond... hah over a week and a half you finally got that email? She emails me. "J, First of all I wanna let you know I dont wanna be single so I can meet other guys, to be honest with you I havnt been dating. Second, we can still be friends & I want to be together just as much as you do. I freakin think about you everyday, I was just talking about you to whitney today. Its so hard to go to work and not see you there and not know how your doing because I still care about you more than you think. I know this is creepy but I drove by your house a few days ago just because. I just need more from you and I know your trying. I need someone to take care of me and i know you want to. I just feel like the both of us has done so much more without being together. I really was going to come over tonight when I text you but I was scared to because I didnt wanna see u with another girl or get shut down. I dont know what I want anymore and life is so hard for me right now and I dont know what to do. You can ask whitney how much of a mess I am right now. I just wanna see u at least once. I just wanna know how ur doing, if you got that job, if ur getting another one. where your going to stay, everything. I drove to alum rock where we went hiking cuz i was gonna go alone n all I did was sit and cry in my car. " I dont respond. Text comes in "Can you call me if your still awake?" - I dont respond. Cool she stalks me house on occasion. lol.. hmm.. I dont know what to make of this really.
OOReeee Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 She really needs to figure her **** out and she is trying to make you feel guilty for what you're doing. I don't think she is in a position to get back to a functional (and happy) relationship yet and it kinda screws her system. you are a REALLY strong person for keeping NC, I wish I had that too. You should either tell her to stop or continue to ignore, but be careful.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Yeah her life sounds like a mess, unfortunately I will be seeing her in about an hour due to no fault of my own. I'm attending a job fair and she will be there. :\
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I would honestly just tell her when she figures herself out then come talk to you. and leave it at that.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Well I went to the store for the interview. Of course she was working when I showed up. Her workmate, and mutual friend, started laughing when I walked in. He was like so you did show up! Gave me a coffee on the house and I sat down and waited for me to be called for my interview. She took her break and came and sat down. She was quiet and shy, and I was like whats up? Non chalante. She didnt have much to say. So I just told her how my job search was going, and she asked me how my other contract job was going. Then she went back to work. I got called for the interview and she was staring at me the whole time watching my interview. After the interview I was leaving and our mutual friend "Whitney" showed up so I chatted with him for a sec, hes a real jokster and we get a long good. She asked me if I got the email she sent me the other night that I posted above, I said yes, and left it at that. As I was leaving she asked if I wanted to have lunch as she was about to go on her lunch, I said I guess and we walked next door with Whitney grabbed some food. She laughed a couple times at things I said but overall was very quiet, and most of the time I spent talking to Whitney. During lunch she texted the hiring manager for the other store telling him he really should hire me. She went back to work and I left. Then she texts "I though you were coming in!" I just responded "Sorry got work to do and prepping for another interview". Then she texted back saying how Aaron wants to hire me at his store but he's not going to because he wants her to transfer there and since we were in a relationship together he can't. So I didnt get the job. lol. I ended it at that and havent talked to her since. Overall I acted confident and slightly elusive, didnt talk about relationship stuff at all, didnt act sad or mopey, I acted rather indifferent I guess, and ended contact and went back to life as usual.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 You know I find the funniest thing, as she was writing the above email saying how she doesnt wanna date, and isnt dating anyone she was on okcupid the dating site at the same time, and still visits it daily. lol. I dont know if she's really genuine. It sounds like BS to me.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 So after the email above I sent a reply.... I'm done with her. "I've given it a lot of thoughts. And you know how I feel about all this. I think the thing that hurts the most, is while you say you dont want to date other guys, and how your not dating other guys, you sure seem to sign on to okcupid all the time. I mean even when you wrote me that reply, and even now when I'm writing this reply. So what you say really means nothing to me. So Im moving on. Please stop texting me, I havent responded, take a hint."
radiodarcy Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 i admire you for being able to maintain NC and telling her not to contact you anymore. i honestly don't understand why dumpers have such a difficult time understanding the concept of why it's impossible to be friends with the dumpee. either they are truly confused about what they want or they are completely self-centered. either way it sucks.
Gettingtired Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 radiodarcy - I think it's the latter. It always seems to be women that dump someone, then want to stay friends, but cant handle it/take it when the guy says no. They dont seem to understand why the guy chooses to be this way and only seem worried about it affecting their lives, being ignored, not having an ear to whinge into about their issues etc. etc.
Binster Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Well done mate, your handling this really well. Notice her email was all me, me ,me and what I want. Typical.
radiodarcy Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 radiodarcy - I think it's the latter. It always seems to be women that dump someone, then want to stay friends, but cant handle it/take it when the guy says no. They dont seem to understand why the guy chooses to be this way and only seem worried about it affecting their lives, being ignored, not having an ear to whinge into about their issues etc. etc. i guess - - i can only speak from a straight woman's perspective. the area in which i live has a high ratio of women to men. many of the men i come across are either married/in committed relationships or are single and don't want anything serious. regardless of marital status there's a good deal of double-dipping going on - - no doubt on both sides. although it seems to be more so on the men's side. but i suppose that's because they can afford to do so. it's very frustrating. after just having been forced to end a fwb situation that i had hoped would turn into more (we had been friends for years prior to that), i'm leery of forming and maintaining close friendships with men in general unless they are gay. sounds silly. but being burned by someone i thought i could trust hurt far too much to go there again. the guy i had been in the fwb situation said he still wanted to be friends and got upset when i told him no - - probably because he wanted to keep me on the back burner which proves what kind of a "friend" he really is. i think some dumpers attempt to friend zone to ease their conscience for hurting the dumpee others do it for self-serving reasons as you mentioned. either way - - it's not fair to the dumpee and the motives are always selfish ones.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 So a couple nights ago she responded, and I subsequently ignored cuz I'm just fed up with the BS really. I've been almost completely NC this whole time, with the exception of having to see her at a job interview. "[FONT=arial][sIZE=2]Im always on it cuz im always bored, I get messages all the time & ive responded to like 2. To be honest ive been talkin to a lot of girls. Not sexually but they hit on me n we end up talkin like friends. There is one girl that wants to meet me but im not sure if im going to. Okcupid is like facebook to me. I get on both randomly a lot usually at work on my phone." [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=arial][sIZE=2]Couple contradictions there. You say you've responded to 2 people, and yes then you say your talking to a lot of girls. Sorry I just don't buy it. Later that night she texted and I ignored. [/sIZE][/FONT] Im not talking to guys, i go on there because im bored. I've emailed like a couple but mostly girls n nothing comes from it but one wants to meet. I'm not lookin for anything with girls either though... like i said a million times i wanna be single. Next afternoon (yesterday), I ignore it all. 2:08pm - Go eat w me later. 3:35pm - Yes no maybe? ***8:55 - she calls twice and I dont answer *** 8:57pm - I know ur there. Call me back 9:09pm - Skype w me 12:19am - How do u know im on okcupid, u deleted ur acct. Why so i couldnt see u getting on? 12:48am - If ur up can u please text me back. I dont wanna be here =( 1:05am - I cant b without u =( but I dont wanna be w anyone. It drives me nuts. I fight w myself trying to make myself believe i dont need u. Its hard. cuz I do. 1:24am - Hang out w me tomorrow please like lets get a room or something together. So that was the barrage I got yesterday, I didnt respond to any of it. And feel kinda insulted, what does she take me for an idiot? I mean whats this I want you but I dont, I need you but I dont want to... and then LOL... suggesting getting a room???? What just because I'm a guy means I wanna have sex, pshhh, as much as I like sex, I'm not going to be her booty call. It's all a game anyways, she doesnt like sex... Her idea of sex is once every 2-3 weeks, she has low sex drive... So this is just to rope me in.
cboy90 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My god, if you can stay NC through all those messages, you sure got some power. Funny though, look at how the tables have turned. Keep it up!
marqueemoon4 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 yea man, I wish I had the cajones you do.. you've got her sweating you hard. Stay the course, full ahead!
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 My god, if you can stay NC through all those messages, you sure got some power. Funny though, look at how the tables have turned. Keep it up! Yeah believe me it's hard and at the same time it's not. I mean I really want to be with her, and it sounds like she is waffling. I sent that email after the last breakup because I needed to emphasise that if this isn't moving forward, I'm gone, I've been played too many times in my life, and waited around for girls that things never materialized again with. So I think she's scared she's going to lose me. It's nice to hear I need you and all. But it's not a commitment, I mean at the same time she's saying she doesn't. If she makes up her mind then cool beans I'll go ahead, provided she hasn't whored herself out to a bunch of other guys, or tried getting back with an ex or something. If that was the case I'de wish her well.
depplover_1980 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You are my hero well done! I got dumped on the phone on Tuesday night, really out the blue as we had an amazing holiday over Christmas, though he never wanted a relationship due to his commitment issues. I have managed 3 days NC and will never contact him again now. Obviously I am gutted he hasn't got in contact either but I feel so much more dignified this way! I honestly think if someone doesn't want you, then they are not worth your effort.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Lol... She just texted me today. "I'm coming over in a little bit." I guess she will be sorely disappointed when she gets there and I am not home. I'm in Palo Alto doing work at a clients.
cboy90 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 provided she hasn't whored herself out to a bunch of other guys, or tried getting back with an ex or something. If that was the case I'de wish her well. I'm in the same boat as you. If/when my ex comes back (couldn't give a $hit now if she did) and that has been the case, I'm out. For good!
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) Well she dropped by today while I was at work. She put a teddy bear on my couch with a shirt that has xoxo on the shirt. And it had a card that said that she is proud of me, and even if im talking to her or not she still cares about me, loves me, and will always be there for me. bleh.... why she gotta go do that? Feels so tough now... Edited January 22, 2011 by ccnaboy2000
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 So after the above last little barrage, leaving the teddy bear and card I broke NC and simply sent a text "Thank you". and left it at that. She bombarded my phone with texts which I continued to ignore. The last text stood out though. She said "How am I supposed to show you that I want to be with you when you wont even talk to me?" Sounds like she's caving... I dunno?
Rellek Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Don't buy it man... if she really wants to be with you she will outright say "I want to be with you." Not "I want to show you I want to be with you." Until she comes crying on your doorstep ready to take action and do what it takes she's not fully committed. It'll just end in another heartbreak... trust me I just made this mistake last month.
Binster Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Aw c'mon mate you were doing so well and then you cave in over a bloody teddy bear. It's just become a battle off wills with her. It's just her ego your hurting and she cant take it, as soon as she gets you hooked again she walk. Get back to good ol N/C.
depplover_1980 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Come on hero I am watching in! It's only a bloody teddybear, pull yourself together. I agree that if she wants you back, she will make it very clear, ie 'I am sorry for dumping you and treating you badly, would you consider forgiving me and trying again?'
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) She said "How am I supposed to show you that I want to be with you when you wont even talk to me?" Careful with this one, brother. This is a little tricky. We all have our limits and if this is her hook to let you know that she wants another shot, don't leave her hanging. She won't wait around to repeat herself. If you know you can handle it. If you can trust your strength to ask her. I think you should ask her what she meant by that. You'll be able to tell if she's confused anyway and then her non-committed reaction should strengthen your resolve for NC because she's playing games. On the other hand, I want to say maintain NC just because I'm more biased for my LS dumpee brethren (not all of them - some threads I've read, I think to myself "Uh... and you're wondering why your ex dumped you?!") and looking out for their broken hearts is my main interest. The suggestions she made to you about getting a room or hooking up, etc.? :sick: What does she really want? She let you go, she should stand by what she decided! Good luck with this one. If you want her back, I'm hopeful for you. Edited January 23, 2011 by 0hpenelope added stuff.
Author ccnaboy2000 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Careful with this one, brother. This is a little tricky. We all have our limits and if this is her hook to let you know that she wants another shot, don't leave her hanging. She won't wait around to repeat herself. If you know you can handle it. If you can trust your strength to ask her. I think you should ask her what she meant by that. You'll be able to tell if she's confused anyway and then her non-committed reaction should strengthen your resolve for NC because she's playing games. Sorry this is so long, but this is a recap of hte night. Well let me tell ya. She showed up today and asked if I would go out to eat with her. So I wanted to hear what she had to say. We went to dinner and things went well, it was like we were still together, took a walk around the mall. She wanted to go have fun, so we went to the arcade after. I had her laughin and smiling the whole time. Then we went back to my house to drop me off and I had "the talk" with her. I started it, and asked, so whats up? You drive by my house, you text me all the time saying you miss me, and you need me and dont need me at the same time, you drop off cards saying you will always love me and be there for me. I dont get it, your so back and forth? She said that she still wants to be single, but she just can't picture her life without me, and she can see us together in the future and wants to be with me. She just needs stability from me, she needs me to be able to support her and I can't do that now since I'm out of work. So I told her, you realize that this is out of my control, and here I am trying all I can, and finally got a job so I can do that. I said whats worse is what if we were together for a couple years and this happened I'de be worried now that you'll leave if things got rough again. She said well that would be different. Then I said, you know it hurts a lot because you say you don't want to date other guys, but at the same time you're always on OKcupid, so that sends a mixed signal to me. Because if you really didnt want to date others you wouldnt be on their all the time. And what hurts more that I never said anything about is how you would still go on there all the time even when we were together. She asked if she wanted me to have her delete it. I told her no, it's her choice what she wants to do with her life. She said she doesnt know why she feels this way maybe its because she is young. She then said she wants to be with me, and she doesnt see herself with anyone but me, but doesnt want to be stuck on me and lose out on possibly someone better than me. Then I told her, this is exactly why I'm not talking with you. You already broke my heart once before, why should I continue to hold onto hope that I'll be with you again when you are keeping the option open that someone better may be out there? She started crying. I then said you realize how selfish that is? That you want me to hold out for you while you entertain the idea of meeting someone better and you dont want to miss out on that opportunity? I'm protecting myself from heartbreak again in the future. She then said with tears coming down her cheek, so you can honestly say that you want to be with me, like forever? I dont want to be heartbroken down the road if we are together and YOU find someone better. I then told her, to be honest, I have no idea if this will work out, no one knows, but right now how I feel, yes I want to be with you and no one else and want to make things works. I said to me you say so much how you love, me but if you really loved me you would be with me and not entertain the idea that someone better may be out there. I dont entertain those thoughts, I'm a loyal guy and committed. She was still crying and said I know that about you. I then said to be honest you need to figure out your life and what you really want. I'm not going to stop you from dating other guys and doing what makes you happy. But at the same time I'm not going to wait around for you, while you see whats out there, because I deserve to be happy too. It doesnt mean I dont love you, it doesnt mean I dont care for you. But I wont let myself go through this heartbreak again. Still crying she said, well I guess I'll have to hope you're still single and havent moved on when I'm ready. I got out of the car, thanked her for the evening, all I want for you is for you to be happy. I went up to my apartment, and i was peeking out the window, and she was just sitting in her car for about 15 minutes before she drove off. Probably crying. I can honestly say I'm not depressed, I don't feel bad. I guess I'm ok with tonight because at this point I've already compartmentalized all the hurt and have excepted it as over for now. I don't really need much healing, but I will maintain no contact for now, no contact has obviously been rattling her cage, and now she knows damn well how I feel about everything. Edited January 23, 2011 by ccnaboy2000
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