Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My xGF who tricked me out of a little over 10k, while cheating on me last year sent me a txt message. I called her out on the cheating like behavior several times and each time she denied it by gaslighting me so hard I literally felt crazy. I caught her spending the night at this guys house after I came back from a business trip. She claimed it was a party and there were other people from work spending the night. She even went so far as to have a friend lie to me about it. I eventually caught them at a hotel together. After confirming that they rented a room, I found them drinking at the bar holding hands. She claimed that they just planned to talk in the hotel room. I dumped her right then. Later the friend that lied felt guilty and gave me a phonecall to apologize. Anyway... this weekend we had a text exchange. It went like this: Her:"we need to talk" Me:"about what?" Her:"everything" Me:"I don't see the point" My question is this when a woman wants to talk about "everything"... what does that mean?
Madgick1 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 The boyfriend dumped her and she wants you back. The everything is a new set of lies about what she did and a new spin on it so you will be fooled enough to give her another chance.
One Unicorn Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 She wants to know that you still want her. It's lame. It's crazy. It's typical. Why even bother replying to her first text? I know 10k is a lot of money but I would consider it gone and not reply to any more communication from her (speaking as a woman trying to imagine being in your position).
sweetjasmine Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My question is this when a woman wants to talk about "everything"... what does that mean? In this situation, I'd put money on it meaning, "I need something from you." If I were you, I wouldn't have responded to the first text. You already know she's not above lying, manipulating, and disrespecting you. Why bother?
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 She wants to know that you still want her. It's lame. It's crazy. It's typical. Why even bother replying to her first text? I know 10k is a lot of money but I would consider it gone and not reply to any more communication from her (speaking as a woman trying to imagine being in your position). I know the money is gone. It was my mistake to trust her. We had been together for 2 years so... well... I don't know what I was thinking. I was wondering if she maybe intended to apologize? She has never actually admitted that she cheated. In this situation, I'd put money on it meaning, "I need something from you." If I were you, I wouldn't have responded to the first text. You already know she's not above lying, manipulating, and disrespecting you. Why bother? Yeah... that's what I was afraid of. I'd never get back with her... but because of all the hardcore gaslighting I still felt crazy to dump her all the way up to like 4 months after when her friend called. I just feel like I'm missing some closure on this one.
sweetjasmine Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I was wondering if she maybe intended to apologize? She has never actually admitted that she cheated. I don't know her, so it's possible that she intends to apologize, but it seems highly unlikely. Especially if she never admitted what she did. But pretend for a minute that she was planning to say she's sorry. Would it make a difference at all to you? Would it change your life in any positive way? Or would it just make you think of every little thing she did all over again? I'd never get back with her... Even so, there's no reason to let yourself get sucked back into the crazy. I doubt talking to her will give you closure. That's something you need to figure out yourself, IMO.
One Unicorn Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I was wondering if she maybe intended to apologize? She has never actually admitted that she cheated. I sincerely doubt it. Women are master manipulators, I'm sorry to say. Unless she's had a personality/character transplant during your time apart... ignore her.
One Unicorn Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Even so, there's no reason to let yourself get sucked back into the crazy. I doubt talking to her will give you closure. That's something you need to figure out yourself, IMO. I agree. And, as hard as it is, sometimes we never get closure on a relationship like that. Time helps.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 The boyfriend dumped her and she wants you back. The everything is a new set of lies about what she did and a new spin on it so you will be fooled enough to give her another chance. Naw, I heard through the grapevine that she went back to Missouri for Christmas to meet his parents. He won't dump her. He is 16 years older (46) and has a history of doing things like this. I had a really hard time believing she would cheat with him because she tends to be a moral majority type, and this guy is really sleezy. He had an affair with one of her good friends and broke up her marriage. In fact that woman expected him and her to have a future together after she left her husband... and instead he ran off with my xGF. So, that ruined their friendship too. He also took a sex trip to Guatemala with a group of gay guys.... one of those gay guys is a friend so I know he is Bisexual. I know he likes to go to company parties and get women high on cocaine, then have sex with them. I really don't know why this guy is so irresistible to women. He has slept with OVER half of his coworkers... most of whom are married.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Naw, I heard through the grapevine that she went back to Missouri for Christmas to meet his parents. He won't dump her. He is 16 years older (46) and has a history of doing things like this. I had a really hard time believing she would cheat with him because she tends to be a moral majority type, and this guy is really sleezy. He had an affair with one of her good friends and broke up her marriage. In fact that woman expected him and her to have a future together after she left her husband... and instead he ran off with my xGF. So, that ruined their friendship too. He also took a sex trip to Guatemala with a group of gay guys.... one of those gay guys is a friend so I know he is Bisexual. I know he likes to go to company parties and get women high on cocaine, then have sex with them. I really don't know why this guy is so irresistible to women. He has slept with OVER half of his coworkers... most of whom are married. Maybe he didn't dump her maybe she just got tired of being cheated on and treated like crap and realized the grass isn't always greener.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) She took your money, she cheated, she lied, she schemed against you with her friend, she made a fool of you. F*ck everything about that. I'd say, hear her out, but take everything she says with a grain of salt. I'd be very, very skeptical if I were you. She conned you mate and stamped you in the nuts with her stiletto heels. She's a weapon of mass destruction. A sociopath. Edited January 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm not sure why you are engaging in text exchanges with this ex girlfriend at all. She sounds like an awful person, and besides, aren't you happily coupled up with a wonderful woman who is a great match for you? From what I've learned about your morals here on LS, I'm surprised that you find it appropriate to engage in any way with an ex while in a relationship.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Even so, there's no reason to let yourself get sucked back into the crazy. I doubt talking to her will give you closure. That's something you need to figure out yourself, IMO. I've been cheated on before... like 5 years ago. However, the difference is when I confronted her she broke down and cried... apologized... ect. We broke up but I overall have forgiven her. My most recent Ex... I'm still pissed about it. Not the cheating so much, but mostly for making me feel crazy for 3 months... and for tricking me out of that money. I was thinking with maybe an apology... I could just let the anger go. I sincerely doubt it. Women are master manipulators, I'm sorry to say. Unless she's had a personality/character transplant during your time apart... ignore her. Yeah... that's my plan. I really love my new GF and communicating with my X is probably a bad idea anyway.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Maybe he didn't dump her maybe she just got tired of being cheated on and treated like crap and realized the grass isn't always greener. To the best of my knowledge he is actually trying to date her. His first relationship that I know of. I've know him for ... 4 years.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I really love my new GF and communicating with my X is probably a bad idea anyway. I missed the fact that you have a girlfriend. In that case focus on your girlfriend, there's no reason to get back in touch with your ex. If you're angry look at it this way. Your ex is insane. She's not right in the head. It's worth having a laugh about such kookoo crazyness.
2sunny Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 To the best of my knowledge he is actually trying to date her. His first relationship that I know of. I've know him for ... 4 years. I was thinking with maybe an apology... I could just let the anger go. you CAN let the anger go - when you stop caring what she/he is or isn't doing. when you stop spending time and energy trailing what is happening in their world - that is when you know you have let go. you don't need HER to do this for you - YOU can do this for yourself. start now. act as if she doesn't exist - move forward and be happy.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I'm not sure why you are engaging in text exchanges with this ex girlfriend at all. She sounds like an awful person, and besides, aren't you happily coupled up with a wonderful woman who is a great match for you? From what I've learned about your morals here on LS, I'm surprised that you find it appropriate to engage in any way with an ex while in a relationship. That's because despite reading tons of my posts... you still have no concept of who I am. That's partially my fault for being 1 dimensional... but also you don't really tend to really see people who disagree with you. Anyway... I told my GF when my X texted me. I showed her the messages. I let her use my phone all the time. We have a running joke about her snooping my phone since I gave her all my work passcodes to use it. She could if she wanted to, it wouldn't bother me... but she hasn't and probably won't unless I act weird.
TigerCub Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I was thinking with maybe an apology... I could just let the anger go. I can totally understand that, but the thing is (at least for me), once I know someone is a complusive liar, anything they say translates to "blah blah blah" if she said she was sorry, or that she missed you, or that she really did love you and never meant to hurt you are you really gonna hear that, or are you gonna hear "blah blah blah"? I'm guessing you're not gonna put much value to what she says anyways, so its not worth it to hear her out and give HER closure. Focus on the gf that you love - she seems way more worth the time than this shady ex.
Emilia Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I was thinking with maybe an apology... I could just let the anger go. you know there are times when we don't find the answer to why someone does something. you will probably never understand how your ex could act the way she did after spending 2 years with you. some people are just very different from how we see the world. you have to remind yourself you were lucky to get out when you did and you have to forget about her. you will never able to work out why she behaved the way she did and why she drove you crazy like that
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I can totally understand that, but the thing is (at least for me), once I know someone is a complusive liar, anything they say translates to "blah blah blah" if she said she was sorry, or that she missed you, or that she really did love you and never meant to hurt you are you really gonna hear that, or are you gonna hear "blah blah blah"? I'm guessing you're not gonna put much value to what she says anyways, so its not worth it to hear her out and give HER closure. Focus on the gf that you love - she seems way more worth the time than this shady ex. If she just apologized I would not care about her motivations. She is the MOST prideful person I know, just hearing her admit what she did is enough for me. I feel like I'm over it. It's just I still hate her, and I don't want to hate her anymore. Besides it's not like I follow every twist and turn. We just had our lives so intertwined over 2 years that full separation takes time. Example: She still has some of my stuff. At least $2000 in ski equipment. I saw a mutual friend post some skiing pictures who evidently went skiing with them. This guy was wearing my ski jacket, my skis, my poles, and... my ski pants. I'm not going to fault my friend for skiing with them... it looks like there were a lot of people there... but still WTF? Who would give their new lover their xBF's ski pants? And what kind of douche would wear them? you know there are times when we don't find the answer to why someone does something. you will probably never understand how your ex could act the way she did after spending 2 years with you. some people are just very different from how we see the world. you have to remind yourself you were lucky to get out when you did and you have to forget about her. you will never able to work out why she behaved the way she did and why she drove you crazy like that I feel like I have a fairly good understanding of why she cheated. I knew what was missing from the relationship at the time. I was just really consumed with work. I had already requested the time off and planned a really expensive vacation. What I don't understand is Why that guy? She watched him break up her friends marriage and then proceeded to take him from her friend.
Cee Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I was in a similar situation with my ex. He had an affair and tricked me out of over 10K through credit card debt. And yeah, he gaslighted me about the affair too. He only fessed up after I left him. After we separated, he went out of his way to constantly apologize. It was really an attention seeking thing. He never repaid a dime of the money he stole from me. If your ex wants to make amends, I hope it's an "action" amends. If she wants to repay the 10K in installments, then that's cool. Otherwise, I wouldn't waste my time on her. I'm sorry for what you went through. I know from personal experience that it is painful and ugly. It's been 7 years and my credit score is still low. But my sense of self-respect and happiness is greater than it's ever been.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Tell her you're a therapist now and if she wants to talk to you that your billing rate is 10k per hour.
FreeheartLover Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If she just apologized I would not care about her motivations. She is the MOST prideful person I know, just hearing her admit what she did is enough for me. I feel like I'm over it. It's just I still hate her, and I don't want to hate her anymore. Besides it's not like I follow every twist and turn. We just had our lives so intertwined over 2 years that full separation takes time. Example: She still has some of my stuff. At least $2000 in ski equipment. I saw a mutual friend post some skiing pictures who evidently went skiing with them. This guy was wearing my ski jacket, my skis, my poles, and... my ski pants. I'm not going to fault my friend for skiing with them... it looks like there were a lot of people there... but still WTF? Who would give their new lover their xBF's ski pants? And what kind of douche would wear them? I feel like I have a fairly good understanding of why she cheated. I knew what was missing from the relationship at the time. I was just really consumed with work. I had already requested the time off and planned a really expensive vacation. What I don't understand is Why that guy? She watched him break up her friends marriage and then proceeded to take him from her friend. I dumped my cheating boyfriend of 2 years that I was very much in love with, this was just over 2 years ago now. I harbored a lot of hate from him for a long time, and I went to therapy for it for many sessions. He had a strong emotional hold over me and would manipulate me into bending to his will, too. He even prevented me from breaking up with him over phone, he was that good at it and I was that weak. So I know that anything that ever comes out of his mouth from then on (and before that) will be for purely selfish purposes, and will never be for my benefit. After he lied, I dumped him, then he blackmailed me with private pictures into talking to him afterI initiated NC. I knew that I would never trust or love him again. There were a few sincere moments, I think, when he apologized for all that and said that being with me changed him for the better, etc. But later he'd say stuff like, we're meant to be together, yada yada, and I had to try really hard to ignore it. Point is - I had to forgive him and let go of the anger and move past it. I see him around town every now and then and seeing him used to feel like a lightnight bolt through my body - now it feels like nothing. You need to get to that point.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Point is - I had to forgive him and let go of the anger and move past it. I see him around town every now and then and seeing him used to feel like a lightnight bolt through my body - now it feels like nothing. You need to get to that point. Um... seeing her around town would probably make me angry right now, but I would just ignore the feeling and act nonchalant. Dunno what it will take to make that change. Seriously though... Why this guy? I figured at first maybe he has a huge dick or is some fantastic lover since so many married women seem to want his nuts. However... I've since heard he isn't anything special in those departments. He kind of defies all the rules of attractive. He is lazy at his job, and has a low level position despite his tenure and age has never been promoted. All I can think is that he leads an active partying lifestyle and does recreational drugs. I've had girls dump me for other guys before... but not like this.
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