lifeasiknowit Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi all, I've been emailing back and forth with this one really cute and funny guy for several weeks now, and am finally meeting him for the first time this weekend. I am TERRIFIED. I don't even care about how he looks, but I'm terrified because I think I'm hideous looking, and I know, I just know he'll be disappointed with what he sees. I do look better in my photos, but they are not misleading in any way. When I asked my friend about this, she told me I look better in real life compared to my photos, but I don't see that at all. I know it's pointless to worry about these things, but how do you get over feeling ugly? I feel monstrous looking, and I even feel physically ill and disgusted when looking at photos of myself.
One Unicorn Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi all, ... I think I'm hideous looking, and I know, I just know he'll be disappointed with what he sees. I do look better in my photos, but they are not misleading in any way. When I asked my friend about this, she told me I look better in real life compared to my photos, but I don't see that at all. I know it's pointless to worry about these things, but how do you get over feeling ugly? I feel monstrous looking, and I even feel physically ill and disgusted when looking at photos of myself. I've read this several times and I think I'm missing something. He has seen your photos which you feel are NOT misleading in any way and still wants to meet you? It is natural to be very nervous about meeting someone for the first time, especially after a longer period of communication like you've described. You may have formed an emotional bond with him based on your conversations and pictures and, therefore, it feels like there is far more at stake than if he was still essentially a stranger to you. Remember, it is not a foregone conclusion that YOU are going to like HIM in person, either. Have you thought about speaking with a professional? I know that's kind of presumptuous of me, but the way you describe yourself (monstrous looking, makes you physically ill to look at yourself) - it's extreme, not normal, and a professional might be able to help you bring your view of yourself and reality more into alignment.
Cee Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I think it's good that you talked to your friends. Friends can calm you down and tell you that you look like your photos or better. You have already put this guy on a pedestal based on his looks. That's a dangerous game with online dating. If you idealize total strangers and put yourself down, you'll will attribute lack of dating success to failings within yourself. Try not to take rejection personally. It goes with the territory. Online dating is a crapshoot for everybody. Works well for some and is a fail for others. I know a guy who was 80 pounds overweight, balding and super geeky who did pretty well on eharmony. It's not all about looks. It's about compatibility and availability. Enjoy your first date
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Men do not take appearance as the sole benchmark to decide if they like a girl/woman. The follow things can help you, but in no way you should force these things or fake them, because that would look unnatural. Men notice and often like the following things in women/girls: - Positive and happy girls/women. - Girls that approach them with high energy in a genuine manner. - Intelligence. - Women that are funny/humorous. Women you can laugh with. - Dressing nicely can help. Again be careful not to force these things onto yourself. You'll have to express them at the moments that you feel them flowing out of you naturally.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi all, I've been emailing back and forth with this one really cute and funny guy for several weeks now, and am finally meeting him for the first time this weekend. I am TERRIFIED. I don't even care about how he looks, but I'm terrified because I think I'm hideous looking, and I know, I just know he'll be disappointed with what he sees. I do look better in my photos, but they are not misleading in any way. When I asked my friend about this, she told me I look better in real life compared to my photos, but I don't see that at all. I know it's pointless to worry about these things, but how do you get over feeling ugly? I feel monstrous looking, and I even feel physically ill and disgusted when looking at photos of myself. You're gonna have to drop your insecurities real quick or this date will fail. Your insecurity will scream out of you more than your looks. Men can smell it a mile away. Try to think about what you CAN control. You can't control your looks you can only control who you are and your attitude. Be positive, be polite, friendly, and try to have fun. The biggest thing I had to overcome with online dating was my fear that I would like them and then I would get rejected or they'd disappear on me (as this happened several times). The way I got over it: think of it as just one night out. Nothing more. One night out and try to have fun. Whatever happens beyond that it's just one night that you'll have a fun time at. Don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Confusedalways Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I had similar problems, albeit not as extreme. I was convinced my pictures inaccurately represented me as being prettier than I actually was, though objective 3rd parties told me this wasn't the case. I went on the date and was absolutely terrified, and it went fine. I definitely over thought things, we had been talking a LOT (mistake #1) and I basically had our china patterns picked out (mistake #2). Just take it for what its worth: 1 date, 1 night.
Jazzari Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I think attitude can count for alot in terms of attractivness. I hate, hate, hate shopping. When I go, I never get hit on particularly (not that I'm looking). But one day I got the best news ever right before I shopping trip. I was on cloud nine. I swear, a dozen guys were trying to pick me up and were all over me. I was floored. When I got back home, I asked my husband about it. He replied that while I was attractive enough normally, when I was happy I moved into the stunning category. The smile, flashing eyes, positive attitude and energy makes a big difference. It's not all about physical looks. Try to have fun and the rest will take care of itself.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I agree with the above, when you're happy your personality shines through and makes you more attractive. I've been really depressed lately, and not many girls have been interested in me. Cue that to last year, when I was super happy, and I was making friends and girls were talking and flirting with me. Confidence and assurance is attractive. Also, I wanted to say this... I believe you may be suffering from a form of BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder.) Michael Jackson is the most famous example of this, that is why he got all that plastic surgery (even when he was very attractive.) This is a form of OCD, and even if it's mild, it can wreck havoc on your self esteem. I'd highly recommend seeing a therapist, and talking about how you feel. He might be able to shed some light on why you feel that way, and make you feel better about your appearance. Society can be cruel to those who are insecure, but that doesn't mean they're ugly. Some of the most beautiful women I've ever known have also been the most insecure about their appearance.
Author lifeasiknowit Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 All of your responses have really helped with relaxing me a bit. However, every time I think about the date I freak out, panic attacks and everything. I just have to tell myself I have no control over whether he will like me or not and I should not put so much pressure on myself. It is hard, because I really like him, although it's true that could totally change in real life. The 4-5 photos I've posted in my profile are pretty much the only ones of myself that I remotely like. I think I look horrific 99% of the time, and I have had therapy for it, with no success. I used to think I was pretty, but then once I hit high school it all changed. It doesn't help that I'm completely flat chested and although I'm 26 I look like I'm 19. Ugh. I've always looked several years younger than my age, so when I was 19 I looked more like I was 15, ect. Maybe it's an Asian thing, but I hate looking childish with no boobs. My friends tell me the date is about just having fun, but I can't stop freaking out about it. A part of me wants to delay meeting up, but then I don't want him to lose interest, and there's no point, really in delaying it and wasting time emailing forever.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 All of your responses have really helped with relaxing me a bit. However, every time I think about the date I freak out, panic attacks and everything. I just have to tell myself I have no control over whether he will like me or not and I should not put so much pressure on myself. It is hard, because I really like him, although it's true that could totally change in real life. The 4-5 photos I've posted in my profile are pretty much the only ones of myself that I remotely like. I think I look horrific 99% of the time, and I have had therapy for it, with no success. I used to think I was pretty, but then once I hit high school it all changed. It doesn't help that I'm completely flat chested and although I'm 26 I look like I'm 19. Ugh. I've always looked several years younger than my age, so when I was 19 I looked more like I was 15, ect. Maybe it's an Asian thing, but I hate looking childish with no boobs. My friends tell me the date is about just having fun, but I can't stop freaking out about it. A part of me wants to delay meeting up, but then I don't want him to lose interest, and there's no point, really in delaying it and wasting time emailing forever. Ok, if you are legitimately having panic attacks of the thought of meeting someone in person, you should not go on this date as you are not ready. I suggest seeing a therapist. I used to get anxiety pains from confusing I had while dating girls in the early stages. I saw a therapist maybe 5 times, felt a ton better, now I look at dating in a whole new perspective and I'm glad I did because I met a great girl. You should do the same, see someone about your panic attacks, that is not normal you need some help. Nothing to be ashamed of, just help yourself by seeing someone.
Author lifeasiknowit Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Ok, if you are legitimately having panic attacks of the thought of meeting someone in person, you should not go on this date as you are not ready. I suggest seeing a therapist. I used to get anxiety pains from confusing I had while dating girls in the early stages. I saw a therapist maybe 5 times, felt a ton better, now I look at dating in a whole new perspective and I'm glad I did because I met a great girl. You should do the same, see someone about your panic attacks, that is not normal you need some help. Nothing to be ashamed of, just help yourself by seeing someone. I kind of agree with you, but I think it's better for me to go through with it even if the date bombs, because I think it'll help me for if and when I meet up with another guy. I see it as just experience, because if I keep waiting until I feel more ready, I think I'll never do it. It would be different if a guy had just asked me out in real life, at least I'd know right away that he likes how I look. I'm trying online dating, because I find I don't get asked out in real life.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) All of your responses have really helped with relaxing me a bit. However, every time I think about the date I freak out, panic attacks and everything. I just have to tell myself I have no control over whether he will like me or not and I should not put so much pressure on myself. It is hard, because I really like him, although it's true that could totally change in real life. The 4-5 photos I've posted in my profile are pretty much the only ones of myself that I remotely like. I think I look horrific 99% of the time, and I have had therapy for it, with no success. I used to think I was pretty, but then once I hit high school it all changed. It doesn't help that I'm completely flat chested and although I'm 26 I look like I'm 19. Ugh. I've always looked several years younger than my age, so when I was 19 I looked more like I was 15, ect. Maybe it's an Asian thing, but I hate looking childish with no boobs. My friends tell me the date is about just having fun, but I can't stop freaking out about it. A part of me wants to delay meeting up, but then I don't want him to lose interest, and there's no point, really in delaying it and wasting time emailing forever. I'll tell you the truth about breasts right here, right now. If this doesn't calm you down on this issue then nothing will. The men who like big boobs and have that as a requirement for women are the type that will sit in a bar, get drunk and yell: "Beer and titties! F*ck yeah!". Such men are often not the intellectual cream of the crop if you know what I mean. They're not even average. That's not the type of guy you want, some drunk ass dumb idiot. Except this sort of guy has lead women to believe they need big breasts. But average men do not give a whole lot about breast size. Too big can even be ugly. What has happened was that big silicon breasts became fashionable during the 80's and early 90's. But that has now fallen out of fashion. Men want natural breasts. If you have a sleek posture, then big breasts will not suite your sleek appearance, it will destroy it. I've yet to hear about the first mentally stable guy who left his girlfriend about her breast size. If you worry too much and are going tell him about your worries constantly, then he can start to interpret that as if your a negative person and that could start to irritate him, because men get tired of negativity. Negativity is a turn-off for men. Be only negative when it's justified. Your breast size is not a justified cause for negativity or worry. So I suggest to you that you go take a walk outside in some fresh air and calm down your mind and think about some other stuff than the date. Edited January 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Questionis Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I know it's pointless to worry about these things, but how do you get over feeling ugly? I feel monstrous looking, and I even feel physically ill and disgusted when looking at photos of myself. Are you serious? what do you think the perfect woman looks like just out of interest?
tb24 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Ok, if you are legitimately having panic attacks of the thought of meeting someone in person, you should not go on this date as you are not ready. I suggest seeing a therapist. I used to get anxiety pains from confusing I had while dating girls in the early stages. I saw a therapist maybe 5 times, felt a ton better, now I look at dating in a whole new perspective and I'm glad I did because I met a great girl. You should do the same, see someone about your panic attacks, that is not normal you need some help. Nothing to be ashamed of, just help yourself by seeing someone. Possibly, but I'd suggest simply going on the date would be more beneficial, faster. Lets look at the facts here: -He clearly likes you -He's seen pictures of you -Everyone has parts of their appearance they don't like -Beauty is in the eye of the beholder My advice? Go on the date and have fun. Just remember, he likes you. You already have a bit of a rapport with him from emailing. You know what us guys really like on first dates? Fun. Go to a bar, play pool with him. Go bowling... you already know what he likes from online, do that I've been on dates where the girl is obviously nervous. It can be kinda cute. Oh and if he subtly teases you about it, he's just trying to get you out of your shell a little
Author lifeasiknowit Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Are you serious? what do you think the perfect woman looks like just out of interest? I think all of my friends are beautiful. I don't think I need to look like a model; I just think I look weird and slightly freaky looking. I'm just going to force myself to go through with this, and try to care less about it.
sagetalk Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Work out, put on a mini skirt and walk by construction workers. What do you want us to say? Get over yourself. If he thinks you're ugly, then find another guy. If it's something you can control, fix it, if not, accept it and be confident in what you have been given.
baguette Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Act like you got it. Confidence can do a lot for a woman. I'm being serious.
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 OP, he's seen your pictures and chatted with you enough to know he likes you/is interested in you, so clearly he finds you attractive and interesting...it's just your anxiety that is getting the better of you. The worst case scenario isn't that he won't find you pretty, but that he doesn't feel that special ellusive spark to make him want a second date. But YOU could very well feel the same way and not want to see him again. He's likely having the same worries you are!! And unfortunately, most of us have to meet a lot of frogs before we meet our prince. So look at this date as a learning opportunity, with the potential for more, and try not to get down no matter what happens.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'll tell you the truth about breasts right here, right now. If this doesn't calm you down on this issue then nothing will. The men who like big boobs and have that as a requirement for women are the type that will sit in a bar, get drunk and yell: "Beer and titties! F*ck yeah!". Such men are often not the intellectual cream of the crop if you know what I mean. They're not even average. That's not the type of guy you want, some drunk ass dumb idiot. Except this sort of guy has lead women to believe they need big breasts. But average men do not give a whole lot about breast size. Too big can even be ugly. What has happened was that big silicon breasts became fashionable during the 80's and early 90's. But that has now fallen out of fashion. Men want natural breasts. If you have a sleek posture, then big breasts will not suite your sleek appearance, it will destroy it. I've yet to hear about the first mentally stable guy who left his girlfriend about her breast size. If you worry too much and are going tell him about your worries constantly, then he can start to interpret that as if your a negative person and that could start to irritate him, because men get tired of negativity. Negativity is a turn-off for men. Be only negative when it's justified. Your breast size is not a justified cause for negativity or worry. So I suggest to you that you go take a walk outside in some fresh air and calm down your mind and think about some other stuff than the date. I'm surprised at myself but I agree with you. I've always been a fan of big boobs, and most women I've dated have been pretty big in that department, but I'm dating a girl now that I'm absolutely crazy about and she wears a "B" bra size that she can barely fill into. However, she's absolutely amazing in the sack, and although smaller than what I'm used to, I love her boobs!
hydorclops Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 OP, I hope it goes well for you. Be sure to report back after the meet up.
Questionis Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I think all of my friends are beautiful. I don't think I need to look like a model; I just think I look weird and slightly freaky looking. I'm just going to force myself to go through with this, and try to care less about it. Weird and freaky looking?? have you got a third ear growing out of your cheek? I just can't figure out what you are saying??
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Hi all, I've been emailing back and forth with this one really cute and funny guy for several weeks now, and am finally meeting him for the first time this weekend. I am TERRIFIED. I don't even care about how he looks, but I'm terrified because I think I'm hideous looking, and I know, I just know he'll be disappointed with what he sees. I do look better in my photos, but they are not misleading in any way. When I asked my friend about this, she told me I look better in real life compared to my photos, but I don't see that at all. I know it's pointless to worry about these things, but how do you get over feeling ugly? I feel monstrous looking, and I even feel physically ill and disgusted when looking at photos of myself. Your focus is slightly askew here. Focus more on bringing his mind to expect EXACTLY who he will encounter, and less on the self-perceived quality of your appearance. IF you are a haggard old granny, who will carry a black purse right out of the 1930's... then TELL him to expect exactly that. IF you are one of the Pat Benatar lookalikes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, complete with frizzy black hairdo and skintight clothing, then prepare him in full detail for exactly what he'll see upon first meeting. Your goal is to reach a point where you have been so detailed, and so accurate, that you yourself progress toward the encounter with a definite "calm" having come over you merely for knowing that HE is expecting exactly who YOU are!! If you don't have that yet, then you need to chat more. Tell him about your trick knee from an old football injury. Tell him about your cute little Cindy Crawford-esque mole. Whatever it is... just bring his mind as precisely close as possible to your reality.
Author lifeasiknowit Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Your focus is slightly askew here. Focus more on bringing his mind to expect EXACTLY who he will encounter, and less on the self-perceived quality of your appearance. IF you are a haggard old granny, who will carry a black purse right out of the 1930's... then TELL him to expect exactly that. IF you are one of the Pat Benatar lookalikes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, complete with frizzy black hairdo and skintight clothing, then prepare him in full detail for exactly what he'll see upon first meeting. Your goal is to reach a point where you have been so detailed, and so accurate, that you yourself progress toward the encounter with a definite "calm" having come over you merely for knowing that HE is expecting exactly who YOU are!! If you don't have that yet, then you need to chat more. Tell him about your trick knee from an old football injury. Tell him about your cute little Cindy Crawford-esque mole. Whatever it is... just bring his mind as precisely close as possible to your reality. I think it would scare him off and make him think I was strange if I told him what to expect. If I had to tell him exactly what to expect, I'd say that I'm a skinny flat chested Asian with a very large nose, masculine facial features, tiny eyes, small lips, a face that's small and also shaped very wide. Basically, I think I look like a man. It's so bad I'm always untagging photos of myself on facebook, so no one even my own friends can see photos of me on my profile.
Jazzari Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think it would scare him off and make him think I was strange if I told him what to expect. If I had to tell him exactly what to expect, I'd say that I'm a skinny flat chested Asian with a very large nose, masculine facial features, tiny eyes, small lips, a face that's small and also shaped very wide. Basically, I think I look like a man. It's so bad I'm always untagging photos of myself on facebook, so no one even my own friends can see photos of me on my profile. I agree it would seem strange if you told him what to expect. If your photos are accurate, that should be good enough. Do you wear earrings? They can really make a difference in terms of looking feminine. Same with makeup, though I prefer to wear minimal. 1. You aren't skinny. You are slender. 2. You aren't flat chested. You are cute and perky. 3. You don't have small eyes, lips, etc. You have delicate features. Try to look at things in a positive light.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I think it would scare him off and make him think I was strange if I told him what to expect. If I had to tell him exactly what to expect, I'd say that I'm a skinny flat chested Asian with a very large nose, masculine facial features, tiny eyes, small lips, a face that's small and also shaped very wide. Basically, I think I look like a man. It's so bad I'm always untagging photos of myself on facebook, so no one even my own friends can see photos of me on my profile. Please don't ever tell us that he is expecting a 6-foot blond knockout who was born in California to parents from middle America. You run the risk of being condemned for deceit before you ever get a chance to hit or miss on your own merits.
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