elemental1 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 This is going to be a long one so do not read unless you have the time....lol Today is my 8-year anniversary. I am 29 and my GF and I have a 6-year old son and a house together. We both work full-time and we dont make that much money, but we get by. Like any relationship, we have our problems...most of which rarely ever get worked out. We have a serious lack of communication that is partially my fault and as a result, I have a lot of pent up resentment towards her and myself. I have attempted to bring up issues in the past and they usually ended up in heated arguments at which point we would both storm off to different rooms until things blew over...then we would go about our lives without anything solved or understood. This has happened many times. Nowadays we dont argue as often because things just dont get brought up anymore. My mentality is 'what is the point?' .....this is a question that is and has been nagging at me in the back of my mind for a long time....at least a couple years now. What is the point?..... If you ever get to a point in your relationship when you question the value of communicating openly for things you feel strongly about, then you know something is seriously wrong. A little about her: She is 26, beautiful..(not just saying that because she is my GF, she is very physically attractive) very bubbly personality, good sense of humor - people like to be around her. She is a good mother to our son. She isn't a good girlfriend though. At this point, I am not sure if she really understands what is necessary for a good meaningful, fair and equal relationship and her actions over the years have confirmed that. She hasnt said this, but she acts as though the man's job in the relationship is to take care of the woman - to pamper her - to sacrifice important things for her - to wait on her hand and foot - to buy her things - to get/make her snacks... at the same time, the man is supposed to pay the bills and take care of the household chores and take our son to school. Here is the short of it - i dont feel like her boyfriend or someone she is in love with - i feel like a third hand. i feel like a combination of a roommate and a personal assistant. Now, it isnt like this all the time. She cleans the house all the time....in fact, she is almost OCD about it and she tries to get me to be like that too. She does the laundry and buys some food and pays portions of the bills. But she also has a handful of credit cards....unnecessary credit cards that a lot of her money goes to. I do most of this for my son so he has a roof over his head, an education, a full belly, etc. All in all, I believe that the main reason she is even in this relationship with me is because she is just too comfortable to leave. She has a cell phone and a car....both of which are mine and I just let her use them as "hers"....a house that I pay for (for the most part)....etc. I have posted on here before about my GF bringing up the idea of an open relationship.....so on top of all of which i have just mentioned, she has recently shown interest in an open relationship. here's the short of it... she started a new job at a grocery store - her old job was as a babysitter/housekeeper - so all of a sudden she has all of this attention from the other men that work there. she told me that she thinks that her assistant manager is cute and they flirt a lot. (she is very honest with me....sometimes too honest... but i would prefer that to dishonesty) at one point she basically said she wants to try an open relationship and that she wants to f*ck her manager... i also saw a text to him in her phone saying ..."maybe one day" (in reference to them hooking up some day...) we recently moved into a new house and this guy lives across the street (this was completely coincidence and not the result of some plan of hers lol) he has a GF that lives with him and now my GF hangs out with them and their friends at least once a week. they all have a few drinks and then they watch porn.... i think it is wierd, but they all have fun making fun of it... it isnt just the three of them. they usually have like 7-10 people over there. she wants me to go, but they are all younger than me and i just think it is kind of wierd. so she just goes. he has never really done or said anything that would raise suspicion or cause a problem....so far, she is the only one who has done that. he has been respectful thus far and seems to be a nice guy. nothing has happened as far as i know and i believe that. but still, i think she isnt being completely open with me about a few things.. so continuing on.... we dont have sex that often...maybe 2-3 times a month - sometimes a little more - sometimes less. But that is not on my part - i want it everyday.... i have not been trying as of late because i am tired of running into a brick wall... so again, the question pops up... what is the point?.... if my efforts do not get me anywhere, why try? right? I sometimes get the impression that the idea of sex with me turns her off....but this could just by my imagination getting away from me as it often does. but when we do have sex, it is satisfying for both of us - either that or she is an incredibly talented actress.. lol. When i try to talk about sex she sometimes kind of brushes me off or changes the subject...as if it is uncomfortable for her... ??? i even told her that we should watch a porn or do something to spice things up....but no, she watches porn with her former assistant manager that she wants to f*ck and his GF and their friends. Now, back to the open relationship thing. she rarely wants sex with me, yet she has shown interest in possible sex with other people?!.. something is seriously wrong with that... i have told her that i DONT want an OR and she is fine with that. but if that is what she truly wants..... i am not an unnattractive guy. I am smart, talented, good-looking, good sense of humor, etc.... i believe that i have a lot to offer a woman (not just a nice handbag or piece of jewelry now and then) i think that i am a good man and a good father and that a good woman would be lucky to have me. i know i am an attractive guy, but most of the time i dont feel that way.... and i cant help but feel a bit diminished on my self esteem because of all of this. i feel like my efforts are not appreciated - she takes me and all that i do for granted and is very ungrateful. she isnt very good at appreciating things...as soon as she has something, she is on to the next thing she wants... i never used to think this, but she is a pretty selfish person when it comes to a lot of things. I am not demanding of anything from her....but maybe i should be. all i want is someone who appreciates me and loves me and doesnt want to change who i am. I want someone who is attracted to me and has at least a fraction of the sexual energy that i have. i believe sex is a very important aspect to a relationship - NOT because it gets us both off, but because it is a way for two people who love each other to connect on the most basic, yet deepest level possible. I have had sex with people i dont love and it is nothing compared to when there is love and comfort and a connection. at this point in my life, i dont want multiple partners - just one. i dont know why she feels the way she does. i try to figure her out sometimes and it proves to be nothing but exhausting. i am exhausted. im tired of trying so hard and not being recognized if not appreciated for all that i do. im tired of keeping my mouth shut for the sake of temporary peace. im tired of suppressing my sexual appetite. im tired of feeling unnattractive and undesired/unwanted. tired of being turned down... i want to scream out...verbally smack her in the face for the damage she is doing... but again, all of my lines of reason and logic bring me to one question.... what is the point? it feels like i am the one who is holding everything in place... i am atlas bearing the world on my back. if i stop trying...will she try to take my place? will she step in an make an effort to keep me? if i leave, will she fight for me to stay?....or...has she reached the same point as me? honestly, i dont think she would. if i told her i was leaving her, i think she would probably accept it without a fight. she would question it and wonder why, but i dont think she would put up much of a fight. how am i supposed to take that? i dont know what to do - i am kind of in a state of limbo. i just feel numb...like a robot only doing what i am programmed to do: wake up go to work come home make dinner do things around the house get my son to bed watch tv take shower go to bed wake up... etc. we have a lot of work to do if we want to live a happy life together... i am just reaching a point where i am wondering if all of the work that has to be done is even worth it. why should i put forth an effort if that effort isnt returned? give me a reason i shouldnt leave. thanks for reading - you may now take a nap lol.
Sparty97 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Get. Out. Now. Actually you should tell her you want her to leave. Tell her she can go and have her flings, just leave your son behind in a healthy, somewhat normal household. None of what she is doing is ok.
Sparty97 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Oh, yeah...and stop paying her bills. Don't buy her things...if it's in your name sell her car...cancel her cell if she leaves your child with you, if she somehow gets custody you may have to bite the bullet on that one. You're not married so you're within your rights to cut her off financially so if you have joint bank accounts kill that immediately.
TigerCub Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 So your gf has been with you since she was 18, and she became a mother at 20. That kinda sucks. I think all the stuff she's doing now is trying to make up for lost time. The only thing I will give her credit for is that she's being honest about wanting an open relationship and she's not out there cheating on you. I know some will scoff at that, but I think honesty is very important and she's being honest with you. I'm guessing that she's been with very few men other than you (since she got with you at 18), and so now she's at a point where she's thinking 'oh, I wish I had more experiences, I wish I had done this, or I wish I had done that...blah blah". At the end of the day, where she is at now in her life, is due to her choices, she chose to date you so young, and she chose to keep the baby when she got knocked up, so I'm not blaming you for what she's probably thinking, I'm just guessing that's what it is. I think you need to put your foot down about her little visits to this manager guy, and her little porno screening nights. She needs to grow up and accept that she is a mother and in this relationship with you. Yeah maybe she missed out on her crazy and wild years, but what's done is done, she can't go out now trying to relive it. As far as her loss of interest about sex with you, I always heard that that kinda thing SOMETIMES happens with people who have been together for so long, especially after kids and stuff... I honestly don't know what to suggest for that, because I view sex as a VERY important part of a R and if its not there, it will lead to resentment. I think you need to sit her down and discuss everything with her, discuss how she can't go watch porn at this manager's house anymore, how she's going to be taking on more of the bills/part of the mortgage (if she can afford it), how she just needs to accept that she is a mother, and her wild/crazy days are behind her. If she refuses to listen, tell her how you are at a very crucial crossroads here, and that you're really at the point where you are contemplating leaving (don't say it to her as a threat, just be honest about where this is all coming from). See how she reacts to that, if she doesn't care, then maybe its time to walk away, if she does, then you have a starting point and a place for further discussion. Just out of curiousity: You've been with her for 8 years and you have a kid together, did she ever express that she wanted to get married? I'm just wondering...
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Just out of curiousity: You've been with her for 8 years and you have a kid together, did she ever express that she wanted to get married? I'm just wondering... This is exactly what I was wondering...if I was with someone who didn't mention or want some sort of permanent commitment to me after 8 years, I'd probably also be thinking "why am I monogamous with this person?"
TigerCub Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 This is exactly what I was wondering...if I was with someone who didn't mention or want some sort of permanent commitment to me after 8 years, I'd probably also be thinking "why am I monogamous with this person?" Personally I'm not a fan of marriage. But I was wondering if his gf actually wanted marriage at some point and he never went through with it and that maybe she's also harboring some resentment towards him for that issue amongst others. I am by no means saying marry her now to fix everything - because that certainly wouldn't be the solution here - it will just trap him more. But I was curious if it was something the GF was holding against him.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 imo.... Moreso they are young and his GF is starting to have ants in her pants and taking too much for granted..... Add to that a 6 yo and she is only 26, still very attractive and maybe wondering where her "wild years" went, while being looked after (financially), now partying with the younger neighbours..... I'll bet not too many other 26 yo hot moms with a 6 year old to bond with either..... We have a dagerous cocktail.....
xxoo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 She is taking you for granted. SHe thinks there is greener grass out there, so she isn't too invested in keeping you. She is probably wrong about the greener grass, and will later regret treating you and the relationship so carelessly--but she lacks the maturity to see that now. The most significant information here is that your attempts to communicate on important issues break down, and nothing get resolved. Have you tried going to counseling together to improve your communication? As for the lack of sexual interest in you---does she try to be physically close to you in general? Hugs, kissing, cuddles on the couch? Or does she avoid physical closeness?
Author elemental1 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 ill try to answer everyone's questions/comments - - we have talked about marriage many times in the past but it was always an agreement that we would do it when we were more financially stable. we are a bit more now, but there are other issues. i fully believe that the older someone gets, the more set in their ways they become and therefore, the less likely it will be that they will change... change isnt impossible, but the probability drops with age. i have lived with her for 7 years and these control issues have not only stayed the same, they have gotten a bit worse. i will never understand why someone would want control over another human being...especially someone they love. she needs to understand that she can not control me like a puppet or an employee. i am a man and i make my own rules regarding what i do with my life whether it be a huge decision or something trivial. until she learns to stop trying to control things..me, then we will start talking about marriage - but like i said the longer it takes, the harder it will be. all in all - i dont know if i want to even get married, let alone marry her. we have a lot to work through and at this point, i am doubting whether or not it is worth it. what is the big deal about marriage anyway? - the fact that i have dedicated myself to one woman for eight years shows commitment - i dont need to buy her a ring or spend thousands of dollars on a wedding to show commitment when 8 years of proof will do a better job. why is marriage the end-all be-all of a relationship? it doesnt have to be....hell, of the couples i have known in my life, the ones who get married are usually the ones who end up single.... it is the couples that dont get married that are still together and happy. so put that in your coffee and stir it!!... lol i realize she is taking me for granted. she leaves things in my lap and knows that i will take care of them - and i usually do. so i am partially to blame for that. in all of this discussion about open relationships she has never once said anything about the grass being greener or wanting to be single to have fun. i talked to her briefly last night and i now understand that her whole idea about an open relationship was just that...an idea. she thought it would be fun for both of us and she also thought that i would go along with it - it was never something that she thought about non-stop or was seriously considering. she respects the fact that it isnt what i want and is completely fine with it not happening. - so that kind of put some concerns to rest - but still, just her simple desire for that kind of thing still concerns me.... it is even worse when there is someone at the center of that desire that isnt me... and i know who he is... so while i may be more at ease now, i am still having doubts. i have proposed the idea of counseling and she seems open-minded to it which is good. normally she is affectionate, and we hug and kiss and cuddle etc. usually it is not a problem, but when it comes to sex.... i just dont get it nearly as much as i want it....trust me, i am not asking for much... once or twice a week is really all i need to go on....that isnt a lot by any means...i dont care who you are lol. every time we do have sex, it is right before we go to sleep at night...so in a way, it is convenient. she never buys lingerie or lights candles or buys toys or just does things for me....like i could come home from work and know 100% of the time that she wouldnt be on the bed naked with romantic music and what not, waiting for me. if she ever did that, i would probably be done right then and there.lol. it is like she will only do sexual things if she gets something out of it. i understand that being a parent limits the opportunities to engage in these sorts of things, but damnit, there is always time. i must speak for myself here too in that i dont really do these things for her either.... maybe i should try and see what happens... any ideas? lol overall - i am questioning whether or not i want to deal with this for the rest of my life. i sometimes think i would be happier alone... in fact, in a lot of ways, i know i would be. so what do i do? to quote my favorite movie..... 'get busy living or get busy dying'... dont take that literally - it basically comes down to **** or get off the pot.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Calm down elemental, nobody said marriage is the be-all of relationships. But after being with someone 8 years and having a child together, I think we can safely say most women would expect a formal commitment, and some may start to get impatient (the general consensus it seems, on these boards, is if he waits longer than 2 years he never will - lol). But that's definitely a good thing if she's not really concerned with it, because realistically it seems like you guys have some issues to work on before that's a consideration. You mentioned counseling, and I think that's a really great option, and would definitely give you a lot more insight that we could )
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I don't think you need to end your relationship. Not at all. Any relationship will have it's ups and downs. I have felt just like you have at times. Your partner and your child are worth the effort it will take. What needs to change is her going to drink and party at the manager's place. Now I am not at all suggesting you try and put your foot down or deny her. After all that's just control, and even if successful, there will be resentment and more issues that come from resolving this one apparent issue. You either have to join in - but that may lead to further break down in your relationship; ie, what if you find you would like to try something with others at the party? That open relationship she talked about doesn't sound so bad now? Or you have to talk to her about how you feel her partying at the managers is affecting your relationship. It is obviously having a negative impact on your relationship. You wouldn't be so insecure if all this wasn't happening... It’s kind of a long term view instead of a short term one. Sure she enjoys the time with friends, and wouldn’t cross any lines that you would not want her too. But it is without a doubt having it’s affect on your relationship on various levels. The last thing to keep in mind is that all long term relationships have ups and downs and peaks and valleys sexually and otherwise. You are not going to leave this relationship and suddenly find one that is perfect somewhere else... trust me on that. Talk to her. She'll understand. Communicate. Good Luck!
Author elemental1 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 i didnt mean to lose my cool lol - (was trying to be funny...and apparently i failed ) anyway - the reason why i went off on that tangent about marriage is that so many people ask that question ..'youve been together for 8 years and you arent married?!' trust me we have talked about it many times. we have discussed what kind of wedding we would want, where we would want it, who we would want to be in our wedding party, etc. but i think we both know that we just arent ready for that yet. it seems hasty and foolish to me to get married simply because we have been together for so long. maybe i take marriage more seriously than i thought... i guess i am just confused right now. i dont want to be with anyone else, but at this point i am unhappy. i am confident that happiness is possible with her, she just needs to understand my needs, desires, limits better than she does....and maybe that is partially my fault as well. i assumed that our longevity as a couple would have taught her all she needs to know about me but that is a foolish assumption on my part. as for the neighbor/manager guy - i realized that she has never really had a male friend that she hangs out with on somewhat of a regular basis...without me. i would wager that most men would feel threatened or suspicious of a friendship like this...especially when she has at one point admitted an attraction to this guy. so it is faily new to me and i am just not sure how to take it. i appreciate her honesty and i would rather she tell me up front than keep it to herself - but sometimes...i dont know...maybe i just dont want to know. ignorance is bliss...sometimes. i know most of what i have to do and it is going to take some work, but all relationships that are worth a damn require work. i really appreciate all of the advice. sometimes outside, unbiased perspectives are the source of the best advice and i thank everyone for that.
xxoo Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 she just needs to understand my needs, desires, limits better than she does....and maybe that is partially my fault as well. i assumed that our longevity as a couple would have taught her all she needs to know about me but that is a foolish assumption on my part. Yes, it is your responsibility to make your needs and limits clear. In your case, I think it is more a case of defining your limits (what you will put up with, and what you will not), rather than your needs. It seems like you communicate your needs, and she disregards them. Hence the feeling of "what's the point?" as for the neighbor/manager guy - i realized that she has never really had a male friend that she hangs out with on somewhat of a regular basis...without me. i would wager that most men would feel threatened or suspicious of a friendship like this...especially when she has at one point admitted an attraction to this guy. so it is faily new to me and i am just not sure how to take it. i appreciate her honesty and i would rather she tell me up front than keep it to herself - but sometimes...i dont know...maybe i just dont want to know. ignorance is bliss...sometimes.. I am more liberal than many here on the "friend of opposite sex" issue. Personally, I've had a few close male friends over the years--a couple who I've been attracted to (probably would have dated if I were not married) and a couple I've NOT been attracted to at all (wouldn't date under any circumstances!). H has never been threatened or suspicious, and the men were never told if I had an attraction (I'd tell my H, but not the guy). So, I can understand friendships. What I can NOT understand is sending texts that indicate "maybe someday" they will hook up. Talking to the "friend" about mutual sexual attraction is crossing boundaries to me. Was that text something you were not supposed to see? Because if she is having intimate communications with him, private from you, that is stepping into Emotional Affair territory.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 i didnt mean to lose my cool lol - (was trying to be funny...and apparently i failed ) anyway - the reason why i went off on that tangent about marriage is that so many people ask that question ..'youve been together for 8 years and you arent married?!' trust me we have talked about it many times. we have discussed what kind of wedding we would want, where we would want it, who we would want to be in our wedding party, etc. but i think we both know that we just arent ready for that yet. it seems hasty and foolish to me to get married simply because we have been together for so long. maybe i take marriage more seriously than i thought... I agree with this..as I'm in the same situation as you! Been with the same guy for 14 years and we have an 11 year old son. Common law is the same thing as marriage..minus the paper and ring. Doesnt mean you love her more or less. I think this is a old school/old fashioned stigma some seem to think too much about. We decided putting our money into a home instead of a wedding and inviting people we cant stand...no regrets on that! LOL i guess i am just confused right now. i dont want to be with anyone else, but at this point i am unhappy. i am confident that happiness is possible with her, she just needs to understand my needs, desires, limits better than she does....and maybe that is partially my fault as well. i assumed that our longevity as a couple would have taught her all she needs to know about me but that is a foolish assumption on my part. as for the neighbor/manager guy - i realized that she has never really had a male friend that she hangs out with on somewhat of a regular basis...without me. i would wager that most men would feel threatened or suspicious of a friendship like this...especially when she has at one point admitted an attraction to this guy. so it is faily new to me and i am just not sure how to take it. i appreciate her honesty and i would rather she tell me up front than keep it to herself - but sometimes...i dont know...maybe i just dont want to know. ignorance is bliss...sometimes. Don't ever fool yourself into believing she won't cheat..cause I was just down that road less than a year ago. After 13 years he done me wrong..and we are still trying to work things out! Don't under-estimate her...cause she is very capable of cheating! Even if she's being honest about having a physical attraction to him. i know most of what i have to do and it is going to take some work, but all relationships that are worth a damn require work. i really appreciate all of the advice. sometimes outside, unbiased perspectives are the source of the best advice and i thank everyone for that. Why not go to marriage counselling? Theres obvious resentment growing on your part. And she spending this time with another man is truly not cool when she's not stepping up to the plate at home with your kid and you..and regular home duties. Not to mention the confusion your kid may be going through. I think this is all a recipe for disaster in my opinion.
BettyBoop Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 ill every time we do have sex, it is right before we go to sleep at night...so in a way, it is convenient. she never buys lingerie or lights candles or buys toys or just does things for me....like i could come home from work and know 100% of the time that she wouldnt be on the bed naked with romantic music and what not, waiting for me. if she ever did that, i would probably be done right then and there.lol. it is like she will only do sexual things if she gets something out of it. i understand that being a parent limits the opportunities to engage in these sorts of things, but damnit, there is always time. i must speak for myself here too in that i dont really do these things for her either.... maybe i should try and see what happens... any ideas? lol I was just gonna ask you why *you* didn't try it for her? Of course a woman can do it - most of the time I think we're the ones doing such things, but sometimes I'd be nice if our men did it. Filled the room with candles etc - I can tell you that *I* am the one who knows 100% I'd never come home find my boyfriend naked on the bed. I find guys might bring you flowers but they rarely surprise you out of the blue with something like that - unless they're about to propose.
Author elemental1 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 i really dont have a good reason as to why i dont put forth that effort... this will sound stupid and a bit childish (im willing to admit that) but i think it is simply because she hasnt done it. i hate to put it this way, but it is like 'well if she wont do it, why should i?' i cant really think of a better reason. damn that sounds dumb.. i have had hundreds of ideas i would be willing to do, but i guess my collective resentment towards her prevents me from following through. i know what needs to be done and it wont be as simple as flipping a switch - and - it will take some extra dedication on my part... but i love her and i know she loves me and i would like to keep it that way.
hurting_in_nw Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'd be long gone dude. Life's too short to put up with someone who: Clearly doesn't appreciate you. Tells you about being attracted to another guy. Watches porn with said other guy. Talks about wanting an open relationship. Is incredibly selfish. The list goes on. Get out and find a woman who will appreciate what you do for her and not play these kinds of head games with you. Not just you but for your son as well.
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