Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If you read my thread about my boneheaded husband then you know the background...but basically he left a bar with a group of his guy friends to hang out at a girl's apartment. Now, I'm not looking for opinions on his fidelity because I trust my husband. But I don't trust the girl (since neither of us know her) & want to know what others think about what she asked him. He said about the time he was leaving the girl started asking about me. He said he talked about me earlier & she said I sounded cool. So, anyway, she asked him "do you love your wife?" He says, "yes, of course I do." And she says, "oh, that's sweet." Now my husband thinks this was a perfectly normal interchange, that she was just interested in me since he had talked about me earlier. I think that is an awfully personal question to ask someone you met in a bar. I think that she was fishing for information; maybe trying to see how committed he is to his marriage. Am I too suspicious of people? Would you think the same thing as my H or the same thing as me?
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 And, just so you have all the facts, the girl seemed to hit it off with my H's friend & spent most of her time talking to him. Perhaps that makes the question more innocent.
Sparty97 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Clearly she was flirting with him, it happens. It's really not a big deal unless he plays along or you make it a big deal. People flirt, it can be completely harmless.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Since I've never been married I can only profess to have loved other guys wives. Why? They were out of town.
xxoo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 She is probably a bit jaded, and doesn't meet many loving husbands at the bar (or in her apt late at night ). She may have been heartened to hear it from him, giving her some hope in men and marriage
Woggle Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Any attractive man with a wedding ring is going to be a target for women trying to bag themselves a married man. It's just a fact of life. What matters is how he reacts to it and whether he can be trusted.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I trust my husband. But I don't trust the girl This right here is a contradiction. If you trust your husband then you trust him no matter what anyone else does. Whether or not you trust the girl is irrelevant; no matter what she says or does, if your husband is trustworthy, then nothing will happen.
Eeyore79 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 The question "Do you love your wife?" is basically asking "Are you open to having an affair?" A guy who says he loves his wife probably isn't going to cheat, hence why she moved on to his friend. If he'd said he didn't love his wife, you can bet she'd have been all over him like a rash.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 This right here is a contradiction. If you trust your husband then you trust him no matter what anyone else does. Whether or not you trust the girl is irrelevant; no matter what she says or does, if your husband is trustworthy, then nothing will happen. I do trust my husband. I believe that even if this girl had stripped herself naked & tried to jump him, he would have done the right thing. However, in the context of this post, I don't trust that her intention in asking that question was innocent conversation/flirting like my naive husband thinks it was. My husband thinks I'm cynical & too untrusting of strangers. I think he's a tad naive. I'm wondering what other people think.
Eeyore79 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 No, it was not innocent conversation, and your husband is naive if he thinks if it was. A question like "Do you love your wife?" is basically asking if he's interested in an affair.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks for the clarification, yes makes sense I think you are right, he is being naive and is not seeing her intentions. I believe a part of being in a marriage is looking out for potential threats and making an effort to avoid those situations. Even if he would never do anything wrong, it is not appropriate to be friends with someone who wants an affair with him.
2sunny Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I do trust my husband. I believe that even if this girl had stripped herself naked & tried to jump him, he would have done the right thing. However, in the context of this post, I don't trust that her intention in asking that question was innocent conversation/flirting like my naive husband thinks it was. My husband thinks I'm cynical & too untrusting of strangers. I think he's a tad naive. I'm wondering what other people think. No, it was not innocent conversation, and your husband is naive if he thinks if it was. A question like "Do you love your wife?" is basically asking if he's interested in an affair. think about it... he stayed at her house for an inappropriate exchange and the entire evening. he can also SAY anything he wants. you can also choose to believe him or not. your gut is never wrong... you are here asking a lot of questions - tells me you are wondering. either way... he exhibited behavior that does not reflect his actions as a married man. he didn't consider your feelings in his actions at all. you were sick - he left for the entire evening and into the morning to party without you - meeting new women and staying until a questionable time... does he do drugs? many people who stay up all night drinking also participate in drugs... that also clouds the choices and conscience and perception of what may or may not be right. his exchange with this gal may have been innocent from his angle but we don't know what her motives were. and remember, he can SAY anything he wants... when my H stayed out all night - i found out later that he HAD cheated and spent a ton of energy covering it all up... acted extremely defensive like your H is acting... that made me even more curious - that he would act mad at ME when the bad behavior was HIS! that is just plain mean and cruel! and i didn't think he would EVER cheat on me either... just telling you MY experience. people do cheat - especially if they think the spouse may never find out. a better question may be - why didn't he even consider YOUR feelings in all of this? he CAUSED you more grief and concerns by his ACTIONS - when you weren't feeling well to begin with... that is just plain mean of him. Edited January 17, 2011 by 2sunny
mitchell Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 When she asked, "do you love your wife?" , she was actually saying "I'd like to f**k you. Are you interested?" We're all adults here. Your husband is just blowing smoke. When you said you had to go home because you had a migraine headache, he should have gone home with you. Bad move on his part.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 think about it... he stayed at her house for an inappropriate exchange and the entire evening. he can also SAY anything he wants. you can also choose to believe him or not. your gut is never wrong... you are here asking a lot of questions - tells me you are wondering. either way... he exhibited behavior that does not reflect his actions as a married man. he didn't consider your feelings in his actions at all. you were sick - he left for the entire evening and into the morning to party without you - meeting new women and staying until a questionable time... does he do drugs? many people who stay up all night drinking also participate in drugs... that also clouds the choices and conscience and perception of what may or may not be right. his exchange with this gal may have been innocent from his angle but we don't know what her motives were. and remember, he can SAY anything he wants... when my H stayed out all night - i found out later that he HAD cheated and spent a ton of energy covering it all up... acted extremely defensive like your H is acting... that made me even more curious - that he would act mad at ME when the bad behavior was HIS! that is just plain mean and cruel! and i didn't think he would EVER cheat on me either... just telling you MY experience. people do cheat - especially if they think the spouse may never find out. a better question may be - why didn't he even consider YOUR feelings in all of this? he CAUSED you more grief and concerns by his ACTIONS - when you weren't feeling well to begin with... that is just plain mean of him. I have been here asking questions but none of them were me asking if people thought he was cheating on me. My H has always been honest with me, always telling me everything even when he knows it'll upset me. I always know where he is & what he's doing, this incident the other night being one of the few exceptions. And he did agree that I shouldn't have had to wake up wondering where he was & promised it wouldn't happen again. I am aware that he COULD cheat on me but as long as we are open with each other, I'd prefer not to live my life in a cloud of suspicion. I don't, however, live with my eyes shut. If I ever found real evidence that he was cheating, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 When she asked, "do you love your wife?" , she was actually saying "I'd like to f**k you. Are you interested?" We're all adults here. Your husband is just blowing smoke. When you said you had to go home because you had a migraine headache, he should have gone home with you. Bad move on his part. My husband likes to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Even at his job, someone will be a complete a-ho1e to him and when I say so, my H will defend them or try to come up with a reason for their behavior. So I believe that he thinks it was innocent...he doesn't want to think people are like that. Also, I didn't go home because of the migraine...I never went out in the first place. He went without me, which I was fine with. I do agree that it was a bad move to accompany his friends to the girl's apartment but I have decided to give him a pass on that, which I explained in my other thread.
2sunny Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Brenfy;3200298]My husband likes to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Even at his job, someone will be a complete a-ho1e to him and when I say so, my H will defend them or try to come up with a reason for their behavior. you are talking out of both sides. you are saying he's a good guy - but a truly "good guy" wouldn't reward bad behavior. this isn't healthy if he acts in such a way that gives evidence he is a doormat... willingly. it seems he's more wimpy than good. where IS his healthy boundary exactly? do YOU know? So I believe that he thinks it was innocent...he doesn't want to think people are like that. he participated. that is enough to understand he is willing to go along with things he KNOWS and has SAID aren't exactly kind and loving. HIS actions prove it. HE went. HE stayed. HE didn't stop to consider that it was hurting YOU - HIS wife. he participated with actions and words... behaving like a single, unattached man. then he disregarded and disrespected YOU when he knew you showed concern - HE stayed out even longer. why are YOU making excuses for his behavior? his words are empty at this point since his behavior shows the evidence of behavior that isn't kind or loving. Also, I didn't go home because of the migraine...I never went out in the first place. He went without me, which I was fine with. I do agree that it was a bad move to accompany his friends to the girl's apartment but I have decided to give him a pass on that, which I explained in my other thread. ok, YOU are willing to overlook his bad behavior - he's a lucky boy... so what is it we can help with - since YOU are the one still posting about this?
xxoo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My husband likes to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Even at his job, someone will be a complete a-ho1e to him and when I say so, my H will defend them or try to come up with a reason for their behavior. So I believe that he thinks it was innocent...he doesn't want to think people are like that. Why does it matter if you are right or your H is right about this woman? It's ok to think the best of people and be naive--as long as you take full responsibility for your own boundaries and actions. Does giving him a "pass" mean that he thinks what he did was fine, and it will be a recurring issue? I'm not sure I understand what a "pass" is.
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 He went with friends to another friendly person's house. Why is this a state of emergency? Anyway, I do remember asking a similar question of a guy I was not trying to sleep with. I'd just gotten out of bad relationship, had a few early dates with guys I realized were twats and was feeling pretty down about relationships in general. A guy I knew in my circle of friends spoke well of his GF who was studying abroad for a few months and that caught my attention. But not because I wanted to get with him - I was just curious about how genuine his feelings for his GF really were and envied her if he was really sincere. He spoke of proposing to her when she got back. I thought that was sweet. My curiosity was mostly just a want for evidence that I should keep high hopes of finding a good relationship for myself. Of course HE took my questioning him as me being interested and then began pursuing me. I didn't envy her after that.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Why does it matter if you are right or your H is right about this woman? It's ok to think the best of people and be naive--as long as you take full responsibility for your own boundaries and actions. Does giving him a "pass" mean that he thinks what he did was fine, and it will be a recurring issue? I'm not sure I understand what a "pass" is. I just mean that since this has never happened before & is unlikely to happen again (which I explained in my other thread) I'm not going to waste any more time talking about it with him.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 you are talking out of both sides. you are saying he's a good guy - but a truly "good guy" wouldn't reward bad behavior. this isn't healthy if he acts in such a way that gives evidence he is a doormat... willingly. it seems he's more wimpy than good. where IS his healthy boundary exactly? do YOU know? he participated. that is enough to understand he is willing to go along with things he KNOWS and has SAID aren't exactly kind and loving. HIS actions prove it. HE went. HE stayed. HE didn't stop to consider that it was hurting YOU - HIS wife. he participated with actions and words... behaving like a single, unattached man. then he disregarded and disrespected YOU when he knew you showed concern - HE stayed out even longer. why are YOU making excuses for his behavior? his words are empty at this point since his behavior shows the evidence of behavior that isn't kind or loving. ok, YOU are willing to overlook his bad behavior - he's a lucky boy... so what is it we can help with - since YOU are the one still posting about this? As for the fact that he went to the girl's apartment - I don't think it was the best decision, he doesn't think it was that big of a deal. There are people here who agree with me & people who agree with him. I came here for an outsiders perspective. And I received it, which helped me look at it from multiple points of view. This thread was just a question of whether I'm too suspicious of people or if he's not suspicious enough. It wasn't a question of whether or not I should now make him wear a tracking bracelet because we have a difference of opinion.
2sunny Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 As for the fact that he went to the girl's apartment - I don't think it was the best decision, he doesn't think it was that big of a deal. There are people here who agree with me & people who agree with him. I came here for an outsiders perspective. And I received it, which helped me look at it from multiple points of view. This thread was just a question of whether I'm too suspicious of people or if he's not suspicious enough. It wasn't a question of whether or not I should now make him wear a tracking bracelet because we have a difference of opinion. i don't see where i said that... i only pointed out how he disrespected and disregarded your feelings, especially when he became defensive. a loving and kind husband doesn't act the way he has... that i know for sure. where did i move to tracking him? i never did. defend him all you want - it is your life to live. accept his behavior as normal and it will become the norm.
Author Brenfy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 [/b] i don't see where i said that... i only pointed out how he disrespected and disregarded your feelings, especially when he became defensive. a loving and kind husband doesn't act the way he has... that i know for sure. where did i move to tracking him? i never did. defend him all you want - it is your life to live. accept his behavior as normal and it will become the norm. As I've said, this will not become the norm. We don't generally hang out in bars. This was my H's friend's bday so he went. Yes, he disregarded my feelings which I don't like but I guess I do the same to him every time I get a haircut I know he wont like. This is a serious question: if you're a married couple who disagrees on an issue whose feelings should matter more?
Sparty97 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 "your gut is never wrong... " What a ludicrous statement. Some peoples guts are wrong all the time. Ever dealt with someone with an anxiety disorder?
xxoo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 As I've said, this will not become the norm. We don't generally hang out in bars. This was my H's friend's bday so he went. Yes, he disregarded my feelings which I don't like but I guess I do the same to him every time I get a haircut I know he wont like. This is a serious question: if you're a married couple who disagrees on an issue whose feelings should matter more? No one's feelings matter more. You communicate to understand the core concerns, and find compromises that work for both. In this case, his concern might be wanting to support his buddy. Your concern might be firm boundaries around single women. When each partner has the attitude of "Your concern is important to me....let's work it out", it is usually possible to find compromises that respect everyone's feelings. The question becomes: how can H support his friend in ways that respect Brenfy's feelings? Surely your H's friend doesn't NEED him to hold his hand all the way into a woman's apt! I don't feel that disregarding your feelings by going home with some girl from a bar is in any way comparable to haircut preferences.
Seamless74 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Why would your husband even bring up the conversation matter with the girl in question....?? oh yeah i forgot hes a bonehead lol... Man I dont know sounds like hes a real piece of work Id love to meet that guy...
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