KunFuZed Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I'm 26 my boyfriend is 30. We've been dating for 9 months. In the begining of our relationship he enjoyed discussing marriage with me. He'd tell me he wishes we could run away and get married or head down to the court house. Now 9 months later, I asked him how old does he wants to be when he get married and he tells me 34. When he's 34 I'll be 30. I wanted us to be married for a little while before we have children. I love this man with all my heart but having children at 30 is not the goal I set for myself in my childhood. I feel if he love me as much I do him it shouldnt be a problem for us to get married sooner. If he knows he wants me to be his wife anyway then what is the reason for having to wait so long? How can we comprise on this situation? Edited January 17, 2011 by KunFuZed
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm 26 my boyfriend is 30. We've been dating for 9 months. In the begining of our relationship he enjoyed discussing marriage with me. He'd tell me he wishes we could run away and get married or head down to the court house. Now 9 months later, I asked him how old does he wants to be when he get married and he tells me 34. When's 34 I'll be 30. I wanted us to be married for a little while before we have children. I love this man with all my heart but having children at 30 is not the goal I set for myself in my childhood. I feel if he love me as much I do him it shouldnt be a problem for us to get married sooner. If he knows he wants me to be his wife anyway then what is the reason for having to wait so long? How can we comprise on this situation? Men know that marriage comes with legal implications. Men fear the legal implications because they will be losing their money and kids if things go sour. So he wants to be absolutely 100% sure that you're the love of his life, for his entire life. He probably needs those years to come to that conclusion. Besides, what would you gain by getting married sooner with him? What exactly would that add besides the legal papers? Do you want to lock him in? I feel if he love me as much I do him it shouldnt be a problem for us to get married sooner. A man can love a woman like she's the only other being on earth. He can do that without the legal papers.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 its only been 9 months. Its too soon for him to know for sure that he wants to be with you forever. By the time hes 34, he will know. So you will have to wait it out, if you love him. He needs to make sure youre not nuts. You need to think less of your childhood goal, and think of what you both really need as a COUPLE. How bout you actually enjoy his company and dont use him just to be a husband?
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) He needs to make sure youre not nuts. Yes, and that too. But also, when you fall in love a burst of chemicals is released in the body. That burst of chemicals will give you a "high" for roughly 2 years during which the effects of said chemicals will slowly reduce over time. So at first you will be addicted to each other intensely, after which that addiction dwindles down. If after that 2 years you still love each other, then you will know that it's more than just a chemical high you've been on. Men sometimes want to see/know what happens after that two year mark. Does she still want me now that the high is gone? Do I still want her now that the high is gone? Well, you get the point. Edited January 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Author KunFuZed Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 That makes sense but I'm not saying let's get married in 3 months I'm saying let's get married at least by the time I'm 28.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm saying let's get married at least by the time I'm 28. Why is that so important to you if I may ask?
Author KunFuZed Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 It's important to me because I don't want to waste ny time. I dont want to give him 4yrs for him to turn around and call it quits. I'm not getting any younger. I feel you shouldnt talk about it you shoud be asbout it. if hes man enough to say he kknow he wants me to be his wife then what's the difference in getting married 2 yrs sooner?
sugarmomma Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If he doesn't at least propose by 27 you should end it. You know what you want and you shouldn't have to wait for him to figure out what he wants.
Mad Max Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 9 months is nothing, plus you're only 26. If you were dating for 2-3 years, then I'd say you may be onto something. You're no where near 30. Take it easy.
Woggle Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Marriage for a man is pretty much playing russian roulette with his future and he needs to be damn sure before he is willing to take that step. Read the divorce forums on the board and you will see he doesn't want to marry.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If he doesn't at least propose by 27 you should end it. You know what you want and you shouldn't have to wait for him to figure out what he wants. That's like saying: "I want to be married, period. I don't care to whom, as long as I'm married before the age of 27." That's nuts. You should be with a person because you love being with that person. What difference does the legal status make? Getting married for the sake of getting married is just plain ridiculous.
Jazzari Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Four years seems extreme to me. And the fact that he's backing off of previous statements is worrysome. If he pulls out when you are 30, then that may have a real impact on your chance at having children. You have to figure at least a couple years to find someone else and get married. Then you wanted a couple years of marriage before having children. The closer you get to 40, the harder it will be to get pregnant. So I think you have a legitimate concern. The guy can have a child at any age with a younger woman so it doesn't matter to him. 9 months is a little early for me, but 4 years is extreme. Someone else suggested another year as reasonable and I agree with that.
shayan Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I just feel reading all of these posts that this has all become so numerical. Where as I believe it should be deeper than that if your relationship is suppose to work and you guys are compatible for the long run then it will you got to trust your intuition and do what feels right. But I don't know if pressuring him will help.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If he isn't ready by the two year mark (don't nag him!) then statistically the odds of him marrying you start to plunge from there.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm 26 my boyfriend is 30. We've been dating for 9 months. In the begining of our relationship he enjoyed discussing marriage with me. He'd tell me he wishes we could run away and get married or head down to the court house. Now 9 months later, I asked him how old does he wants to be when he get married and he tells me 34. When he's 34 I'll be 30. I wanted us to be married for a little while before we have children. I love this man with all my heart but having children at 30 is not the goal I set for myself in my childhood. I feel if he love me as much I do him it shouldnt be a problem for us to get married sooner. If he knows he wants me to be his wife anyway then what is the reason for having to wait so long? How can we comprise on this situation? Wait... so your just worried about having kids before 30. Last time I checked you are allowed to get pregnant without a marriage certificate. So your freaking out about the wrong question. Who cares when he decides to marry you. If you HAVE to have that to be with him... then it isn't love. Instead ask him when he wants to have kids.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 It's important to me because I don't want to waste ny time. I dont want to give him 4yrs for him to turn around and call it quits. I'm not getting any younger. I feel you shouldnt talk about it you shoud be asbout it. if hes man enough to say he kknow he wants me to be his wife then what's the difference in getting married 2 yrs sooner? I can read in between the lines here, I know woman speak....so all your friends are getting married and starting kids now and you dont want to feel left behind eh? So your bf has to be the victim of your competitiveness? Youre obviously not really in love with the guy if youre ready to drop him to quickly, you do realize if you start over with someone else, you will still have to wait ANOTHER two years to make sure everythings right dontcha?
Imajerk17 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Cripes, another one of *those* women. KunFUzed, I'm getting annoyed at you just reading your thread. So you expect your boyfriend to propose to you because you've been dating him for 9 months and you're 'at that age'? Please. Before you expect him to commit the rest of his life to you, what is he going to get out of it from you? What do you feel is so special about him? If you can't answer that question, you have problems.... We commit to some women because not only are we attracted to them, but we feel they are our best friend, that they believe in us and would want to be with us over anyone else. We believe that they can hang in with us when life gets tough too. And they let us be us. We do NOT commit to women so that they can fulfill their 'life plan' or whatever to have children by a certain age or to live in a house with a white picket fence by the time they are 30. You just strike me as someone in a rush to go down the aisle, and your boyfriend, as being the guy in front of you right now, qualifies for that reason. It's a turn-off, just as you're disgusted by guys who are desperate to get laid on the first or second date. And before you write me off as a jerk hating on you, re-read my above again. I'm betting that this is what is going on in his mind about you. If I were him I would be having my doubts about you too. Sorry. Edited January 17, 2011 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) By the way, the women who responded gave you BAD advice. You'll wait the year or two and it will just end. He will just keep hemming and hawing. How do I know? I've been that guy before. Why will he do it? Because you have a bad attitude (read my post above), even if he doesn't consciously realize it. He'll just feel trapped and want to run. Edited January 17, 2011 by Imajerk17
Jynxx Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If he knows he wants me to be his wife anyway then what is the reason for having to wait so long? How can we comprise on this situation? Your question reads as "How do I manipulate him into asking me?" It seems like you've decided he should be ready. He's obviously not, you should respect that.
Jynxx Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 BTW, looking at your autograph, try to answer this: I'm 30 my girlfriend is 26. We've been dating for 3 weeks. In the begining of our relationship she enjoyed making out and talking about sex. Now 3 weeks later, I asked her how long she wants to wait before having sex. I wanted us to start having some and she didn't. I love this woman with all my heart but not having sex after over a month is not the goal I set for myself in my childhood. I feel if she love me as much as I love her it shouldnt be a problem for us to get intimate . If she knows she wants sex with me in the future then what is the reason for having to wait so long? How can we comprise on this situation?The answer will be very close to the correct answer to your question
O'Malley Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) And the fact that he's backing off of previous statements is worrysome. Had he said he wouldn't marry until his mid-thirties from the beginning, I'd say the issue here is the OP's entirely . But his earlier comments are just as problematic as some of the OP's. In the begining of our relationship he enjoyed discussing marriage with me. He'd tell me he wishes we could run away and get married or head down to the court house. I think nine months is way too soon to be making a decision about marriage. But someone who talks about marriage that quickly in a relationship creates his own problems when he later changes his mind and says he won't marry until his mid-thirties. The OP had assumed that they shared a similar viewpoint and timeline about marriage. Ultimatums won't work; decide if this relationship is more important to you than finding someone else who shares more similar attitudes towards marriage and children. Don't even think of moving in together unless you mutually come to the same viewpoint about your future. It sounds like you're going to walk away, which is probably the best thing for both of you. Edited January 17, 2011 by O'Malley
carhill Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 OP, before I offer an opinion, could you relate the relevance of this thread to your current situation? The timeline has me a bit confused and I need some clarity first.
phillyfan Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I love this man with all my heart but having children at 30 is not the goal I set for myself in my childhood. QUOTE] Jeez girl, so if he doesnt fall in with ur childhood schedule, he is a bad guy? U have only been wit him 9 months for a start. And HE isnt ready. Why is it ok for u to force him, when HE isnt ready? Stop bein so pushy.
depplover_1980 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 There are some unbalanced women on this forum! Desperation to settle down comes from big insecurity about yourself and needing someone else to make you happy. The most attractive women and keepers are the ones with their own lives and heads held high. I have been that crazier woman in what now seems like a previous life and luckily I learnt from my mistakes and i'm enjoying the best relationship of my life with no pressures and tonnes of compromise, but mainly fun and graciousness.
Jazzari Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 It's not about forcing a guy or desperation or being insecure. It's about knowing what you want out of life and going out and getting it. Having children is very important to some women. If the guy doesn't feel the same, she needs to know as soon as possible so she can continue to look for what she wants. As I said before, 9 months is early. But 4 years is ridiculous. No, she shouldn't force the guy to commit. But he shouldn't lead her on and destroy her chances of having a family either.
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