MrsDamaged Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Little back ground: We have been together for 24 years , I was 15 he was 17! We have 6 children and one grandson. First time we broke up was in 98 we broke up for about 7 months. I became pregnant and he wanted us to work it out, I told him I didn't know if it could work cause I was pregnant he said he didn't care he would raise him as his own. Which he did, then we got married in 2004. Things were great till he became addicted to a video game and I was working nights, taken care of our kids plus 2 foster children. Looking after the house and everything else and going on maybe 4 hours a sleep a night before I had to go back to work. After having to stop working due to a break down I was on the internet a lot. I ended up starting to talk to a guy , he gave me attention something that my husband didn't cause he was always playing a game. That is when I left him and my children , I got my own place and he ended up moving away back to his home town with my children it lasted a month when he called and said he couldn't stay there no more cause his sister was mean to the child. I went to pick them up and they stayed with me, we got back together and it lasted about 1 month I couldn't handle how controlling he was. He took the 3 younger kids and went to his other sister house. We worked things out and he moved back in , it lasted another 3 months when he went back to his sisters with the 3 kids. I kept the older ones. One day he dropped the 3 younger kids off and said he couldn't watch them no more. So I then had all my kids, he started to get crazy . He would tell the kids he was going to kill himself , he would call me and he would be driving the wrong way down the freeway. That same night he tried to come to the house, I went out the back door and the kids told him I had left so he would leave. He figured out what i was doing and chased me in my car, I had to call 911 and they arrested him. I ended up moving to my families farm cause I didn't feel safe at my apartment so we moved in June. In September we started talking again and working things out, I ended up leaving the farm and getting my own place in the city. I became pregnant with our youngest daughter who is now 3. We have since moved our family out to his home town and just bought our first home. We moved in here in October 2 days before Christmas I asked him if we could talk, I had noticed that he was really cold and distant. He was never talking to me, he was sleeping on the edge of the bed, a few nights he would grab my hand and make me touch him and once he realized what was going on he would roll over and sleep. Anyways he told me that he didn't know if he wanted me here or not, I told him he had to make up his mind cause I couldn't live like this. He said he was done and I need to move out. But I could not take the kids I told him I would not move out cause this is my home just as much as it is his. So now , we talk to each other but I'm not allowed to touch him. I still call him babe, hun, love everything, We did go to a marriage counselor cause I wanted to save out marriage. He went just cause I asked him to go , he sat there for an hour and picked me apart for the last 24 years. He is angry that I left him and the kids , he is angry that I got pregnant with someone else baby. My husband is not perfect he really put me through hell in our marriage but I have let that alll go cause he has changed and he is a good father , and he provides for us. I have feelings that he is talking to someone , cause things have changed. He is always gone for long periods of time, he won't let his cell phone out of his sight. And I don't understand how after being back together for 5 years he would bring up everything. If he truly felt the way he said he did in Marriage counseling how did we last 24 years. We are really civil to each other right now I think we have talked more to each other in the past 3 weeks then in the past 2 months. We have only had sex 2 times in the last 2 years. Last time being in March of 2010 I did get alot of information from him when he was talking in counseling. Before we even went I started to change the person I'm. I don't complain I think of my kids and him first ! Right now my anger is getting really bad. I still take care of him, cook, clean, everything. And he comes and goes as he wants cause he doesn't have to answer to anyone . Anyone have some advice it would be great !
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi Damaged - Sorry you have found yourself at this point, but hopefully you will be able to find some good advice here to add some clarity to your situation. Just from my point of view, it sounds like both of you are at an angry state of this marriage. Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband has issues that he definitely needs to work on and it's a shame that the MC wasn't used to get to forgiveness. I say this primarily based on the fact that bringing back up all the things that he supposedly forgave you is something that you cannot control. This is something that he has to work on for himself, to either forgive and be able to live with that decision or move on to find happiness somewhere else. On the other side of this, two wrongs don't make a right. It's apparent that the attention and love that you need from your husband isn't there right now due to all of the issues; however, going outside of the marriage to find that does so much damage as I am sure you know this. Right now, neither of you are meeting each others emotional and physical needs in the marriage (=anger and the building of new resentments), but the good thing is that you are both now being civil to each other. Instead of building up the new anger, as you have stated in your post, now would be the time to take advantage of the fact that the two of you are talking more. It would be a good time to take inventory of what you both need out of this marriage to make it work and both be happy. Time to bury the old resentments and start new if you want it to work and truly love each other. Marriages can be saved but it takes a lot of work on both parties. Good luck and please keep posting.
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Anything is forgivable between the two of you. You both have shown that over the years. That is a good thing, because it means that your marriage can be saved. First you have to confront him as to why you are not allowed to touch him. If you get nowhere during this discussion, then politely ask him if there's another woman in his life. If there is another woman, the two of you can't get your relationship right until she is out of the picture, and tell him that. If there isn't another woman, and you are truly convinced of this after talking to him, then it's time to start learning how to have a relationship without all this drama and destruction. You do understand that all this has very strong effects on your children who are also learning to be dysfunctional and drama queens in relationships? They are going to hurt from this for the rest of their lives if it doesn't stop. That cell phone secretiveness makes me think he is seeing someone else. The two of you can't grow if there is someone else in the way. Listen, simply put, without criticising you too heavily, you both need an education on what a functional healthy relationship and family is. There seems to be a lot of underlying maturity issues also.
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