tigerknight94 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 First a little history. I am 42 and married for 18 years with three beautiful children. For most of the marriage my wife and I have been distant. For the last ten years I can count the number of times we have been intimate on one hand. I don't know how we got here and I am not interested in blame, I know it took two of us. My problem is I feel nothing toward my wife anymore and I can't get that back. I care for her and I love and care for my children but I am lonely and miserable half the time. My frustrations and misery are starting to cause me to snap at the kids and I cannot stand the way I feel. Moreover, in the midst of my depression and self loathing I discovered a friend who felt something for me. I have not had any affair I have not acted on any feelings, but they are strong and they are mutual. I am truly lost in a world of catch 22 where no matter what direction I go I could hurt someone I care about. That goes against every grain in my soul yet I am so completely unhappy in the situation I am in. I do not know what to do. Before anyone comes down with a judgmental comment, please know I lived through this as a youth. I swore it would never happen to me yet here I sit. I have been faithful and have nothing to be ashamed of yet I am not in love with my wife. Short of losing a child I cannot imagine a greater hurt than what I am experiencing. Well, thanks for reading my post. It certainly helps to at least put words to feelings. I look forward to your comments.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I think I can sum up quickly what most people are going to say. You are having an Emotional Affair with the friend. The emotional affair is going to destroy your marriage if you don't stop. What is more important to you, the friendship with this chick that doesn't mind wrecking a marriage, or your wife and kids? Try marriage counselling.
skywriter Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 tigerknight, Hi and welcome. From what you've written, you've never really created a friendship with your wife. It also seems that you've come to terms with this and have accepted that your marriage is on paper only. So now you're just going through the motions, trying to not hurt anyone. Eventually, your wife or yourself will have to gather the courage up to initate the disolution of your marriage. You both deserve to feel happy and at ease with your life.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi Tigerknight - Welcome to LS. It's good that you can get those feelings out here, marriages do become stale over time and that's a bad place to be, I know...see it here on LS all the time. What steps have you taken thus far in letting your wife know how unhappy you are? Is she unhappy or do you know? Do you not love your wife or do you just not love the way your marriage is right now? Truly think about that, because love does change over time. Is it the intimacy and physical closeness that makes you love her less? Did you have these feelings before you found out that your friend was interested in you or did you realize that you didn't love your wife anymore due to the interest? Those questions are hard ones to answer, but the steps you might take are ones that are the hardest to get back from...but, I think you already know that based on the past comment. Maybe being no contact with this friend for a bit might help you to focus on what you need from your wife and your marriage....give you the ability to openly discuss with her your unhappiness and her unhappiness as well as there must be something there too. Good luck and please keep posting.
robf1971 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 . For most of the marriage my wife and I have been distant.. I'm gonna be harsh here, no disrespect meant, it's a classic history rewrite to justify your actions. Dude it's almost like a script.
robf1971 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 but I am lonely and miserable half the time. My frustrations and misery are starting to cause me to snap at the kids and I cannot stand the way I feel.. Sorry but you choose to be miserable, you shouldn't need another person to make you happy.
robf1971 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I am not in love with my wife. Because you're in love with your "friend"
2sunny Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 proper order helps. stop corresponding with the new "friend" get DIVORCED! past tense. this does two things in order. it allows you to let your wife go so that you can be a single man... and it doesn't disrespect your other woman while you go through that process of divorce. if she's the one - she'll wait. in the meantime you aren't bringing your chaotic divorce into her life while you go through a living hell. be fair to both women. stay away from both of them while you get your life in order. do counseling - so you can find out why you settled for an uninvolved and unemotional marriage for SO long = that is NOT healthy. why did you stay? what do you intend to offer the new gal? emptiness? lack of being emotionally available? it seems you may have been trained that this is enough to offer a healthy relationship = i can guarantee you - it's not enough for happiness.
robf1971 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I care for her and I love and care for my children but I am lonely and miserable half the time. . Man up, stop wallowing in self pity, take control. Stop contacting your "friend". It's attractive to your wife if you buckle up, maybe she might show you more attention then. Also how the hell would you like it if she had a man "friend"?
iheartboobs Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 1. Don't have an affair. It's not fair to your wife or the OW. If you ever have a relationship in the future with this OW, it will be tainted by the affair. She will know that you're the type of man that will cheat on his wife and always wonder if you'll cheat on her. It will be a cancer that will eat away at your relationship and the guilt will never leave you. Just don't do it. 2. Separate. Get away from your wife for a little bit to get some perspective. Make sure your kids are taken care of and that you get to see them on a regular basis, but take a week or two to just get away from everything and think. Talk about what you're feeling to your friends or family or get a counselor, but stay away from the OW. You don't need her clouding your thoughts. 3. After the separation, if you really don't love your wife any more, then talk to her about a divorce. Tell her everything. Be completely open and honest and help her in any way you can. She's the mother of your children and, as far as I can tell from your post, she's done nothing to deserve this bombshell, so at least try to make it as easy for her as possible. 4. From your location and forum name, I assume you're a Clemson fan, so... **** yeah! Go Tigers!
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Read up on emotional affairs........you ARE having one. Stop with it before it goes any further and figure out what you are going to do about you and your wife and your marriage before you drag someone else into the mix. It's not fair to use your friend in this way. It's your mess, so do what you have to do to clean it up.
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You're absolutely right--you do need a change. But you don't need one outside of your marriage. You need one within your marriage. See, relationships need caring, compassionate, unselfishishness, and intimacy. Both you and your wife have dropped the ball there. The woman you are starting to have a relationship with could be anybody. There are thousands of women that would be interested in you. There are also thousands of men that would be interested in your wife. It's not like you've found some rare gem in this woman. You were vulnerable, and there she was. And what is she? She's receptive! You and your wife have tuned each other out. Been there, done that, replay of my first marriage. Is it any wonder that you are vulnerable and are desiring this woman? No, doesn't make you a bad guy, doesn't make you less of a decent human being. It's amazing if neither of you have cheated that you have endured this suffering you cause each other for so long without cheating. I for one, think every single response that says you're a bad guy is off the mark. You're a person who needs affection. It doesn't make you less of a person to have that need and to want to seek it out. You and your wife are both still waiting for this situation to be turned around. So turn it around! Start communicating again! Start cuddling on the couch while you watch a movie. Start helping make dinner, or if you make it, have her help. The point is to do things together, as a team, in order to show love to each other in all those simple ways. You can do this, you're capable of learning how. So is she. Then, if there are bigger issues, figure them out and fix them. Stop letting them be a problem for all of eternity. If you don't learn how to communicate and keep a relationship close with your wife, what makes you think you have the skills to do it with another woman? You haven't shown you have those skills. You wife appears to lack them also. You might decide after trying to communicate that you need to have marriage counseling also, depending on how many roadblocks you run into. Key is not being a tough guy, not being defensive to each other, but instead being receptive to each other like you and this other woman are, like you and your wife were back in time. You have to become vulnerable with each other again. You have to smash down the walls that are preventing emotional intimacy between the two of you. Once that is done, the sex takes care of itself usually. Ignore posts that say you only perceive that you and your wife were distant before you met this other woman. It is incorrect. You and you wife really are distant. You both dug your heels in with some stubborn destructiveness, and now it's taking its toll. Your choice of course--whether you repair the relationship you already have, and save a family from destruction (there is fallout to the children) or, you start with a new woman, but skill-less to keep it close and supportive long-term. You can learn the skills with your wife, or learn them elsewhere, or perhaps never learn them. It's all up to you. The newness of the other woman will also fade with her, just as it has with your wife. But you leave her--remember--somebody else is going to find her new and fresh, just as you find this other woman, a family will be destroyed, and everybody loses. There are no winners in that scenario. Not for marriages that end out of simply complacency. If you don't know the word complacency--do some reading. It describes you and your wife accurately. The going has gotten tough. Time for the tough to get going. You're not going to know how to love anybody else, more deeply, better, or wiser, than the skills you have to do so. The grass isn't greener. It's just different grass. But it's grass you've never cultivated, watered, cut, watched over, nor have a history with. You can't ever share with the new woman that funny thing that happened with your wife ten years ago, because she doesn't share that history. And yeah, when it comes to photo albums of your life, history counts.
What_Next Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 What an amazing post by YGG. Amazing insight. Listen to what you have been told here. Don't get your back up and think that we are all coming down on you. We ARE NOT. My marriage was bloody near destroyed by infedility. In fact it'll NEVER be the same. We BOTH let ourselves go down that road and let me tell you it leaves a hurt so bad that it's something I would not wish on my worst enemy. STOP and listen to what you have been told. Get off the roller coaster while you are still only in the lineup.
Author tigerknight94 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 My wife and I have been roommates for years. We are good roommates and good partners in parenting our kids. We both put on a good face in front of family and others. We have talked about our problems and have agreed on a kind of separation without separating, each with our own schedule of when we can get away without questions if we need to. The last couple of times we tried to be intimate it was all I could do to get through it. After years of being pushed away I just don't have those same feelings anymore. I am not attracted to her. Are there things I like about my wife? Sure, she is a good mother to my kids and loves them unconditionally. She is a good cook and creative in the kitchen even though she is now vegan. Still, living with her is a chore not a joy. It is something I have to do for the kids not something I do for her or for me. I don't know how I got here other than as I was pushed away I guess I learned to live without the intimacy. We have three kids and I hoped each would bring us closer and return the intimacy but they only entrenched us further into our routines. Until recently my wife has had no interest in being intimate but now I just cannot feel that for her. I do not know if anything could or would ever result from the feelings I have for my friend. I only included that because it has become part of the equation, but the equation was written a long time before she was added. I wrote my post because I know that problems and issue can become smaller or at least more manageable if we can only get a different perspective. YGG, your post was very insightful and I am grateful you took the time to write your response. Some of you had more of a harsh reaction and I can sympathize with your response in that, having lived through this as a youth, I may have once said the same things. But experience is a marvelous teacher and I have learned not all is black and white in this world. All I can say to anyone is that I appreciate your advice and your thoughts. Please do not judge me without knowing me first and taking a stroll in my shoes. YGG, I am not opposed to counseling but I think I first need it for myself. I need to figure out what I want and what will make me happy before I can work on what's best for the marriage or the family. I know how to love. I love very deeply and I am a romantic at heart. I am in a counseling profession so I am a good listener and a good communicator. Part of why I have stayed in this marriage is my children and another part is not wanting to follow in my father's footsteps. But I also have to accept my role in the marriage problems and realize I need to figure out what I want before I can fix anything.
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Until recently my wife has had no interest in being intimate So recently she has been interested, but you don't want to. I don't care what the history is, tomorrow starts with today. Your tomorrow starts with today, her tomorrow starts with today. Sometimes you have to learn how to put the not so satisfactory stuff behind you to go forward, well, not sometimes ALL THE TIME. Seems she is making more effort lately than you are. You will encounter a lackluster period in the next relationship too, I guarantee it. It's human nature. Maybe you'll get lucky and it will be a shorter period. Or maybe you'll get unlucky and it will be a longer one. So, I suggest you stop letting this stuff be all about luck, and start making decisions. Intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom, and it doesn't end there either. Intimacy is in your heads. You weren't simply pushed away. You did things too, that made her feel like not getting close to you, hence your version "she pushed me away". I can guarantee you something else too. You go to counseling alone, to find out what you want, (me me me) then you aren't going to discover one thing about your wife. She has just as many feelings and thoughts as you do. The only way to find out what they are, and you will be surprised by many of them, is to go to counseling with her. You're not opening your eyes after I took the time to write all that. They're still closed. Ah well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink applies here then. If you came here just to vent, then I can't help you, nobody can. If you came here to relieve yourself of guilt, furgitaboutit, nobody will support you on that either. If it's neither of those, then tell us why you came here, because I'm not seeing it. Edited January 17, 2011 by You Go Girl
Author tigerknight94 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 YGG, I am listening. I have plenty of guilt and blame and am not looking for absolution. I know my role in my marriage problems. As I said, I came here for a different perspective so I can see the issues through the eyes of others. I am not looking for another relationship. I am only trying to find happiness. I am tired of pretending, tired of tension, and tired of being alone and, honestly, hurt from many years of lack of affection, distance and being pushed away. Did I do something to cause her to push or draw away from me? I am sure I did, just as it takes two to tango, but the decision to stop being intimate was not mine. I will readily admit to haven given up, though, and maybe that is just as bad. Some of the issues we have talked about and some we have not. I do not want to hurt my wife or my kids. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, it goes against everything that I am. Yet the distance between my wife and I just seems so wide and at the moment I am finding my heart just wants to take a break. I am tired of the hurt and I don't want to set my heart up for more hurt. Does that make me a bad person? I am sure in the eyes of some it will. I can already hear some of the posts. Just know that I don't take any of this lightly. I am looking for ideas and suggestions and I am very grateful for yours. I will take them and think about them earnestly and try to apply your suggestions to my reality. If my marriage succeeds or fails it will be on my shoulders but it will be in the context of my reality. I don't know how to do it any other way. Thank you again. I will keep thinking about what you wrote You have a very good and unique perspective to offer. If I post updates, I hope to hear from you again.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I know you are looking for perspective...and nothing is a quick fix. I've posted these in the past for insight, but not sure how often anyone is willing to look into the information and actually use it...but here goes. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html Start there Tigerknight...and see if any of the information clicks in your mind as to the current state of your marriage. Hopefully it helps some.
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Marriage builders is a great site. Have you considered a trial separation? It appears as though you don't want to try, and have given up. Perhaps some distance for several months could lead to one, or even both of you missing each other. Then again, she could get angry at the suggestion. I want to know if your wife wants a divorce or separation. What are her thoughts on all of this? Lastly, when you hear that a man in a longterm marriage with 3 children wants to leave his wife, do you believe he should give it his all first? Does one have to earn the right to walk away the same as one earns the right to love a person in the first place?
Steadfast Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) If you are looking for help and perspective, you've come to the right place. I've followed the thread but haven't posted until now. I'm glad. My initial reaction probably wouldn't have done you any good. Now, I see a bit of sincerity in your posts where before, I saw a lot of defensiveness. Being defensive is normal when we want something but our conscious keeps getting in the way. Real trouble starts when we harden our hearts and press ahead, inspired or motivated by want or perceived need...which is another way of saying selfishness. Given time, we come to a place where we feel we deserve...which is another way of saying entitlement. All of these things are traps that wait to ensnare us. We deserve nothing. Are entitled to nothing, except our freewill. We can only claim as rightfully ours that which we've earned, or have been given. And love can't be purchased. As is so often is the case, we reap what we sow and in your situation it's fairly clear that you're married to a woman that you never truly loved. Please do not take this harshly, because it is entirely possible that you do not know how. Truly. You've seen it, felt it, but is the ability in you? No matter the cause or what you are, or are not feeling, your decision to divorce (if that is what you choose) will adversely affect those with no say in the matter. I do not know what you should do, and like you it seems, what you will eventually do. Whatever that is, you seem to grasp the enormity of it. That's a good place to start. It is not too late for you. More good advice is to come I'm sure, so I'll close with this thought. True love does not hurt anyone involved, but helps everyone included. Your destination may not be clear, but the road leading to it is. Edited January 18, 2011 by Steadfast
Author tigerknight94 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 YGG, she has asked me to leave three separate times but changed her mind each time. The last time was several months ago and I believe she is happy keeping the status quo right now. I don't get the feeling that she wants to change anything right now but we have not talked in a bit. With the holidays and such it was easier just to keep things as is. I believe a separation may be good for us but i don't want to anger her at the moment and I am just playing by ear right now.
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