kourtney01 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 As you may know from reading my other posts...I just broke up with my fiancee. If you would like the full story, I have a few threads posted under "trust and relationships". Basically he cheated once...I took him back and we had no problems for a while. However, at the onset of shady behavior...I broke up with him again. I also kicked him out and we have not seen each other in a week. I know that I have evidence that he was doing something behind my back. What and how bad it was I don't know..I'm second-guessing myself because I love him soooooo much and our wedding was only a few months away...I also can't believe that we are in this bad place again after all the positive steps we took forward and how strongly we feel about each other. He went on vacation (selfishly during a really bad time) and now he's been texting me non-stop...I know that me breaking up with him has ruined his trip and it's killing him inside...but I didn't cave...I only replied once and then went NC. Now the text messages stopped and all of this is really sinking in. I guess I was happy as long as he was chasing me and apologizing...but the bigger issue is that he did something behind my back that he won't admit to and it has ruined everything between us...again. I'm just really sad..I know I'm doing the right thing but I can't help but hope that we will get back together and live happily ever after and he will change...My heart is telling me to hang on but my brain knows that what he did is inexcusable and I have to respect myself and love myself enough not to let him get away with it. I'm stuck. I feel torn and I'm taking this really hard...I feel empty without him and I know he feels the same about me..but then why would he risk everything again for some meaningless crap. Any advice?
durkadurka Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Why? Because us men are idiots. But on the flip side, I feel like we're only getting one half of the story here. Have you guys had any other relationship issues before?
FreeToBe Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Not all men will cheat, but yes, idiots will. As hard as it may seem, you are certainly doing the right thing by not staying with someone who has the capability to cheat on you. You clearly do not have a level of trust in this person that would absolutely be a necessity in marriage. I once dated a woman for five years who cheated on me. We worked things out eventually... We took things slow and communicated well. We moved forward with our relationship and married. She cheated on me again in year 10 of our marriage. The stakes were much higher now, we have children together, property, and assets. This time I cut her from my life and divorced her. I never should have married her. What I'm getting at is this... If someone is capable of cheating once, they are always capable, and always will be capable. There are others out there who don't have it in them to cheat.
Author kourtney01 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Why? Because us men are idiots. But on the flip side, I feel like we're only getting one half of the story here. Have you guys had any other relationship issues before? As I mentioned before...he cheated...badly...slept with someone behind my back for months and a few other one-timers. I found out about everything all at once, packed my bags and left. I was convinced he didn't love me for doing those thing... Fast forward a few months and we gave it a second go. He seemed like he missed me like crazy and there were obvious changes in him. We moved forward and I couldn't have been happier... ...Then all of a sudden he started picking fights with me and going out late at night and not answering my calls...slowly the behavior got worse and then I found text msgs, movie tickets and bank statements that suggest he was doing it again. So I kicked him out (this time he was living at my place) and now we are broken up again.... Since the break-up, he has been trying to contact me non-stop and I can tell he's really sorry and he really misses me...but then why f*** everything up again? What purpose did it serve? Now it's over and we are both miserable.
Hhhh Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I really dont want to say this but you are stupid if you take him back which "i can tell he's sorry" he cheated on you wtfff you really needed to here that. Pick yourself up ignore the texts and move on relationships never work if someone is killing heating
FreeToBe Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Kourtney - He's either a royal-ahole or he's BPD.
ginastar Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 you should leave his dumb ass. he is not sorry. if he was he wouldnt have done it again. you deserve better than him. after a few weeks you will feel better than you do now. everyday gets a little easier and you begin to come to your senses, and wonder why you wanted to be with such a jerk. you just have to get past that alone feeling. but seriously let him go, hes a cheater and always will be.
Lemontang Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I hate saying this but once a cheater always a cheater. I had a similar experience just over a year ago now. The only thing she was sorry about though was that she got caught. Two things happen when you cheat for the 1st time you either learn from it and realise how much the person you were with means to you and never do it again, or realise you can have your cake and eat it too so long as you never get caught, hence a serial cheater is born. Sorry but your just setting yourself up again to be used again if you take him back. Gather your self respect, don't accept 2nd rate behavior and move on. I did and I'm now happier than I ever was because of it.
cerridwen Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Kourtney, steel yourself for phase two; he'll be back with a higher octane of b.s.. He already knows he can (kinda) fool you so he'll ratchet up his game and make even more fervent promises. He will plead his love, admonish you for being "so suspicious", he'll blame you for setting the tone of distrust for your relationship. In short, he'll try to manipulate the hell out of you, guilt you, and continue to try and confound you. That's his game. Get ready. I know this is hard but what's worse is months of having your head screwed with. Be strong. Stick up for yourself. You're NOT crazy. Edited January 19, 2011 by cerridwen
Author kourtney01 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I hate saying this but once a cheater always a cheater. I had a similar experience just over a year ago now. The only thing she was sorry about though was that she got caught. Two things happen when you cheat for the 1st time you either learn from it and realise how much the person you were with means to you and never do it again, or realise you can have your cake and eat it too so long as you never get caught, hence a serial cheater is born. Sorry but your just setting yourself up again to be used again if you take him back. Gather your self respect, don't accept 2nd rate behavior and move on. I did and I'm now happier than I ever was because of it. What makes someone choose the latter when theyu are clearly very lucky to even get a second chance...why not let go of the relationship if you're just going to be a 'cake-eater'..? Wouldn't it be easier for him to have fun without owing anyone an explanation..? I find the whole thing downright pathetic.
Author kourtney01 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Kourtney, steel yourself for phase two; he'll be back with a higher octane of b.s.. He already knows he can (kinda) fool you so he'll ratchet up his game and make even more fervent promises. He will plead his love, admonish you for being "so suspicious", he'll blame you for setting the tone of distrust for your relationship. In short, he'll try to manipulate the hell out of you, guilt you, and continue to try and confound you. That's his game. Get ready. I know this is hard but what's worse is months of having your head screwed with. Be strong. Stick up for yourself. You're NOT crazy. Wow...I really feel like you have been through the same thing I'm going through right now because you always seem to say things in a way that I can relate to! Right now it's not even a question of me being 'crazy' because I know he is passed saying that at this point. Right now he is admitting he screwed up, but refuses to discuss the past and only wants to keep blabbing about what he will do in the future....well, that was at first...I ignored his text messages and now they stopped so I'm assuming he's trying to enjoy his trip and get his mind off me... I checked the weather report and so far it has rained and been overcast EVERY DAY of his trip. I feel bad but I'm happy the weather there sucks...karma's a b****
Lemontang Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What makes someone choose the latter when theyu are clearly very lucky to even get a second chance...why not let go of the relationship if you're just going to be a 'cake-eater'..? Wouldn't it be easier for him to have fun without owing anyone an explanation..? I find the whole thing downright pathetic. As do I. Some people do it and it scares the absolute crap out of them because they realise what they just risked losing. Others being the latter don't have this happen to them and rather feel the thrill of going about not being caught or really don't give two hoots until what they had actually 'is' gone. But even then all they learn from it is they just have to be more careful in future. It sucks I know since I caught my ex out the 1st time only to have her cover her tracks really well all the times there after.
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