fergyxx Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have been friends with this man for a long time - going back around 10/11 years. We had always been fairly close although nothing had ever happened to us - until last February. I met him on a night out and one thing led to another and we ended up at my place (you don't need the gory details). He lives with his partner, and has been with her for about 2/3 years. He has always been straight with me - i.e. I have known from the start that it could only ever be a friends-with-benefits/no-strings situation, and even if he was available, I would not want to be in a relationship with him. After the first occasion, he started texting me asking when we would do it again, and from there it kind of spiralled - have met up with him on various occasions since then, although for one thing only. At first, he texted quite a bit, but recently the messages have tailed off. I have been trying my hardest not to contact him, although I can't get him out of my head. I have not heard from him for about 8 weeks, but I know that he has since lost his phone, and is now using a new number (which I don't have). I suppose it makes it easier for me to to contact him, but I can't help this longing I have for him. I don't know what to make of the situation. Maybe I'm being naive but when we're together, I feel that there is a connection between us, then he'll tell me that he can't stop thinking about me etc and I tend to think that the feelings are more or less mutual between us. But then I won't hear from him for ages, and I wonder if he maybe is just spinning me a line to keep me sweet. When I don't hear from him, I tell myself that perhaps he's making a go of it with his partner - focusing all of his attention on her but I need some kind of closure so that I can stop waiting around in case he decides he might want to see me again. I would rather he was quite harsh with me and just told me straight not to contact him again, or to get lost. Does anyone have any advice on how I can try and get on with my life. I know I'm a bit of a pushover, so if I was to hear from him again, I know I won't be able to stop myself.
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Sometimes we have to get our own closure fergy, actually the majority of the time it works that way. From what you've posted it sounds like he made it clear what he wants from you and just because he said he can't stop thinking about you, he doesn't mean that he cares. You know how men are......they are genetically wired to think about sex many, many times a day and it could be that only. He very well probably likes you and cares for you as a friend, but his actions aren't showing you that he thinks of you anything more than fwb. Get busy.....volunteer, take a new hobby, get some interest back in something you used to like to do. Spend time with your friends, get out and go do things. Try to look at the positive aspect of not hearing from him, he is most likely saving you from greater pain down the road since you seem to care more than him.
Author fergyxx Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Sometimes we have to get our own closure fergy, actually the majority of the time it works that way. From what you've posted it sounds like he made it clear what he wants from you and just because he said he can't stop thinking about you, he doesn't mean that he cares. You know how men are......they are genetically wired to think about sex many, many times a day and it could be that only. He very well probably likes you and cares for you as a friend, but his actions aren't showing you that he thinks of you anything more than fwb. Get busy.....volunteer, take a new hobby, get some interest back in something you used to like to do. Spend time with your friends, get out and go do things. Try to look at the positive aspect of not hearing from him, he is most likely saving you from greater pain down the road since you seem to care more than him. Thanks. Good advice. I know you are right, but it's hurtful to think that he would treat a "friend" like this. It's my own fault for falling for him in the first place. The ironic thing is, that I wasn't all that bothered at first, and as he started to badger me with texts etc, he kind of wore me down so that I did want to see him again. I am too soft for my own good.
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks. Good advice. I know you are right, but it's hurtful to think that he would treat a "friend" like this. It's my own fault for falling for him in the first place. The ironic thing is, that I wasn't all that bothered at first, and as he started to badger me with texts etc, he kind of wore me down so that I did want to see him again. I am too soft for my own good. When we sleep with a "friend" it forever changes things and once the deed is done, we can't go back to how it was before. It's just not possible. You took a risk, although you didn't think it was a big risk at the time but I sincerely hope that you won't risk anymore and look back on it as a hard lesson learned. The lesson is, Don't get involved in any way with someone who is already attached......I know I won't again.
sarkandlauren Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 When I don't hear from him, I tell myself that perhaps he's making a go of it with his partner - focusing all of his attention on her but I need some kind of closure so that I can stop waiting around in case he decides he might want to see me again. I would rather he was quite harsh with me and just told me straight not to contact him again, or to get lost. Does anyone have any advice on how I can try and get on with my life. I know I'm a bit of a pushover, so if I was to hear from him again, I know I won't be able to stop myself. I am not trying to be harsh, I just want you to hear the reality. No one, I repeat, no one, is too busy to take 10 sec to text you let you know that he still cares about you. You can make up whatever excuses you want yourself, but deep inside, you know that's not true. I'm so sorry. In regards to how to get on with your life and move on, I'm trying myself, so I don't know what to say. The no contact really works, unfortunately for me, he's got me on a leash. If i don't get myself together to check mysef, I'm going to wreck myself. Take care.
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