lonely79 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Youve run out of things to say? I am fairly new to the LDR thing.... long story short, my guy and i have worked together for nearly 3 years but it wasnt till around october/november, when I was going through my divorce that we started talking (dont worry my marriage was over long long ago so i am sure this is not a rebound) - since he has been divorced as well. Once we started talking, things progressed from beers after work, to hugs, to finally, after a huge buildup, the best kiss EVER in the whole WORLD. we were both just utterly taken aback by the intensity of things between us. By this point, however, he had already made plans to move to another city 5 hours by car from here, while working remotely for our company. soooo anyway. we were at the beginning of our relationship when he moved, and it seemed like the world's worst timing. BUT hey I thought, well maybe this is a good way for me to just take things slow, get used to living alone, get everything in order while we get to know each other a bit more slowly, if that makes any sense. my main question though is this: we chat every single day via IM (while we're both working - our company uses IM to chat - and we use a different account, just on pidgin), we text, we skype about 1 to 2 times a week, and we talk on the phone. he's been back once, and i went to spend a long (absolutely wonderful, awesome, etc) weekend with him. He is coming back to visit next weekend (the 29th) - although his visits also involve him seeing his parents and doing things with them too, so I dont get full one on one time with him when he comes here ....but we have kept up a pretty good communication and have talked about hard things (like, are we allowed to date others?) and had one little tiff that we had to get on skype to straighten out. but mostly things have been wonderful. i miss him - a TON, but im also growing as a person and learning to be (somewhat) alone. ok so for real, here's my question: does it ever seem like via chat you're just staring at the box and wondering what the HELL to say? when we're together everything just flows so well and we laugh and cuddle and joke and talk and kiss and etc. usually chats, texts and calls all flow too...but sometimes, usually its IM, it just stalls and i feel like everything i can think of to say is the wrong thing and i just dont know what to say and then i worry that he is gonna think im lame cuz I have nothing to say and then i try to force something and it just is so dumb. Part of it, I think, is that I feel like I need that constant contact. honestly, we will usually not chat all morning and then start IMing around 11 or noon and i'm usually totally fine and happy and think of him but feel good about things, and then once he says hi and we chat for a few minutes, then run out of things to say, then i start worrying and freaking out. what is wrong with me?? sorry this is so long. We have a lot of strikes against us - what with a brand new relationship and his moving... honestly I am surprised this is still going so strong. I never thought Id be in an LDR at all, i was sure he didnt want to (till he said lets give it a try haha), I was sure he'd want to end it before it got too serious, etc. and yet it just feels like its getting better and better and better. I feel like im starting to fall in love for real and its amazing and totally scary. any thoughts?
folieadeux Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Youve run out of things to say? I am fairly new to the LDR thing.... long story short, my guy and i have worked together for nearly 3 years but it wasnt till around october/november, when I was going through my divorce that we started talking (dont worry my marriage was over long long ago so i am sure this is not a rebound) - since he has been divorced as well. Once we started talking, things progressed from beers after work, to hugs, to finally, after a huge buildup, the best kiss EVER in the whole WORLD. we were both just utterly taken aback by the intensity of things between us. By this point, however, he had already made plans to move to another city 5 hours by car from here, while working remotely for our company. soooo anyway. we were at the beginning of our relationship when he moved, and it seemed like the world's worst timing. BUT hey I thought, well maybe this is a good way for me to just take things slow, get used to living alone, get everything in order while we get to know each other a bit more slowly, if that makes any sense. my main question though is this: we chat every single day via IM (while we're both working - our company uses IM to chat - and we use a different account, just on pidgin), we text, we skype about 1 to 2 times a week, and we talk on the phone. he's been back once, and i went to spend a long (absolutely wonderful, awesome, etc) weekend with him. He is coming back to visit next weekend (the 29th) - although his visits also involve him seeing his parents and doing things with them too, so I dont get full one on one time with him when he comes here ....but we have kept up a pretty good communication and have talked about hard things (like, are we allowed to date others?) and had one little tiff that we had to get on skype to straighten out. but mostly things have been wonderful. i miss him - a TON, but im also growing as a person and learning to be (somewhat) alone. ok so for real, here's my question: does it ever seem like via chat you're just staring at the box and wondering what the HELL to say? when we're together everything just flows so well and we laugh and cuddle and joke and talk and kiss and etc. usually chats, texts and calls all flow too...but sometimes, usually its IM, it just stalls and i feel like everything i can think of to say is the wrong thing and i just dont know what to say and then i worry that he is gonna think im lame cuz I have nothing to say and then i try to force something and it just is so dumb. Part of it, I think, is that I feel like I need that constant contact. honestly, we will usually not chat all morning and then start IMing around 11 or noon and i'm usually totally fine and happy and think of him but feel good about things, and then once he says hi and we chat for a few minutes, then run out of things to say, then i start worrying and freaking out. what is wrong with me?? sorry this is so long. We have a lot of strikes against us - what with a brand new relationship and his moving... honestly I am surprised this is still going so strong. I never thought Id be in an LDR at all, i was sure he didnt want to (till he said lets give it a try haha), I was sure he'd want to end it before it got too serious, etc. and yet it just feels like its getting better and better and better. I feel like im starting to fall in love for real and its amazing and totally scary. any thoughts? First off, I just wanted to say that I don’t think the pair of you have any strikes against you just because you’re in a new LDR. My boyfriend and I have been long distance the entire time we’ve been together and are about two hours apart (by plane). In fact, I think you have some advantages over most LDR couples. The distance between you will allow for more frequent visits than most and you have the history of living and working together in the same area. I also never expected to be in the situation I am in now either. But, the best things in life really are unplanned. It can work if both people want it to, which it sounds like you do. As far as the communication goes, my SO and I communicate with similar frequency to you and yours. We are pretty much in constant contact every day. We don’t really use webcams, but talk on the phone, email, and message each other to sustain our relationship when we can’t be together in person. Although there are the occasional gaps, we rarely lack for topics of discussion. I think a major reason for this is the fact that we live very different lives (in a good way). We both are employed in differing careers and my boyfriend is away most weekends playing shows. This situation just naturally generates more things to talk about for us. It’s been my experience that people who date or who are good friends with people they also work with encounter this problem every now and then. I’m not sure if this could be the cause for you and your SO, but do you find yourselves speaking about topics relating to work a lot? Maybe try cutting back on that and see where things go. Edited January 17, 2011 by folieadeux
blugirl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 but sometimes, usually its IM, it just stalls and i feel like everything i can think of to say is the wrong thing and i just dont know what to say and then i worry that he is gonna think im lame cuz I have nothing to say and then i try to force something and it just is so dumb. LOL, feels like I was reading description about myself xD Well, I also don't know why it happens cause I love to talk to him, previously we would like talk and talk whole day long so smoothly but recently it takes several minutes of blabbing about stuff till we both sorta get into flow and start discussing us and our relationship, feelings, etc, the things we like to discuss the most But more often it's like, we talk and then I do something, he does something else and after a few hrs we start discussing sth again...but I guess it's natural and we shouldn't force anything if we both feel it's okay, right? Cause it's not a must to always have something to talk about. But that's why I'm kinda too shy to start skyping with him, too afraid of the silence and awkward moments
HeavenOrHell Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I wouldn't worry about this, even when we're face to face with our partners we're not filling every second with talking, silences are fine, no need to worry It's natural to have silences. Me and my partner talk online a lot and on the phone, we have silences, more so him than me cos I talk a lot he's quite a quiet person and he'll often say 'sorry I'm quiet', but I'm happy with the silences. I like our silences on the phone, feels like we're thinking about each other, they don't feel awkward. There are bound to be times you're feeling more chatty than at other times. If there are gaps in our chats online we'll just say sorry I'm quiet and the other will say it's ok, it doesn't feel awkward, there's no point saying stuff for the sake of it It's nice just knowing the other is there, whether you're saying much or not.
Author lonely79 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 It’s been my experience that people who date or who are good friends with people they also work with encounter this problem every now and then. I’m not sure if this could be the cause for you and your SO, but do you find yourselves speaking about topics relating to work a lot? Maybe try cutting back on that and see where things go. we do talk about work, but not much beyond the "how's your day going" or "guess what so and so did, it was so annoying" type of thing. sometimes it just seems like it is so much better to either talk on the phone or on skype. its nice when you can smile at each other or whatever. Maybe its just me, but i sometimes find IM to be annoying cuz i dont know if he's joking all the time and that can lead to misunderstandings. I guess im stating the obvious. it def doesnt happen all the time but if we havent skyped or even chatted on the phone for a while it seems like it leads to that. Im just so happy with him though! he's so many things and more that I didnt know that I always wanted!! ....at times though, i worry because we have no end in sight, no plans or anything. (he's not a planner at all and I am haha). he JUST moved so its not like he's going to turn around and move back but possibly down the road he might? I would move if I could but at the moment I cant (custody rules etc). its just hard, wanting to know the ending but I am trying so hard to just enjoy the now!! for the most part it works
folieadeux Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 we do talk about work, but not much beyond the "how's your day going" or "guess what so and so did, it was so annoying" type of thing. sometimes it just seems like it is so much better to either talk on the phone or on skype. its nice when you can smile at each other or whatever. Maybe its just me, but i sometimes find IM to be annoying cuz i dont know if he's joking all the time and that can lead to misunderstandings. I guess im stating the obvious. it def doesnt happen all the time but if we havent skyped or even chatted on the phone for a while it seems like it leads to that. Im just so happy with him though! he's so many things and more that I didnt know that I always wanted!! ....at times though, i worry because we have no end in sight, no plans or anything. (he's not a planner at all and I am haha). he JUST moved so its not like he's going to turn around and move back but possibly down the road he might? I would move if I could but at the moment I cant (custody rules etc). its just hard, wanting to know the ending but I am trying so hard to just enjoy the now!! for the most part it works Messaging of any kind drives me crazy too, but sometimes it's the only thing we can do to keep in touch. I find that alot of needless misunderstandings happen over text so I definitely prefer to speak on the phone or in person of course. I wouldn't stress about not having a set end date yet, many of us don't for various reasons. When it's right for you, you'll know. For now, just enjoy your time together. Sounds like you have a good thing going.
creighton0123 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Messaging of any kind drives me crazy too, but sometimes it's the only thing we can do to keep in touch. I find that alot of needless misunderstandings happen over text so I definitely prefer to speak on the phone or in person of course. I wouldn't stress about not having a set end date yet, many of us don't for various reasons. When it's right for you, you'll know. For now, just enjoy your time together. Sounds like you have a good thing going. I agree with you. I never discuss anything serious over text and prefer to do most of the communication with boyfriend over video chat/Skype. Because of time differences, he's waking up when I'm getting home from work. I know for a fact that neither of us wakes up very well, so it takes some time before he becomes talkative. Sometimes it's just enough to leave the video chat open even if no communication is going on. Forced communication for the sake of communication alone can cause more harm. If you don't have anything to say over IM or phone, both get webcams and leave them on for a few hours while you do your own things.
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