CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 This is going to sound very lame (given what I have read here) and I know it sounds trivial, but to me it isn't. 15 years of a near sexless marriage because we argued/fought over stupid stuff. He CANNOT separate love and sex and when we argue, guess what? Sex drive is done, with me at least. We have been in MC for 1 year and in doing so, it has come out that my husband has been masturbating to the thoughts of being with younger women. It isn't often, as he says it is mainly about me but he still does. He has told me for years that he does not. I never believed him. All men do, right? Well he finally admitted that he did. Now? I just feel like crap. I have been tossed aside so many times (I feel) as he never manned up to his feelings. He just hid them and I was left feeling neglected. Now he wants a sex life with me after ignoring and denying me and I am just pissed off. He has thoughts of younger women. I am so hurt by this, you have no idea. He rejected me for all these years and now thinks of someone younger? How do I get over this? How do I come to terms with this? We are working on our marriage and we have made great strides, I just cannot get past this and it hurts me so much.
woinlove Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 This is going to sound very lame (given what I have read here) and I know it sounds trivial, but to me it isn't. 15 years of a near sexless marriage because we argued/fought over stupid stuff. He CANNOT separate love and sex and when we argue, guess what? Sex drive is done, with me at least. We have been in MC for 1 year and in doing so, it has come out that my husband has been masturbating to the thoughts of being with younger women. It isn't often, as he says it is mainly about me but he still does. He has told me for years that he does not. I never believed him. All men do, right? Well he finally admitted that he did. Now? I just feel like crap. I have been tossed aside so many times (I feel) as he never manned up to his feelings. He just hid them and I was left feeling neglected. Now he wants a sex life with me after ignoring and denying me and I am just pissed off. He has thoughts of younger women. I am so hurt by this, you have no idea. He rejected me for all these years and now thinks of someone younger? How do I get over this? How do I come to terms with this? We are working on our marriage and we have made great strides, I just cannot get past this and it hurts me so much. There are definite positives here - your H confided in you about what he thinks about when he masturbates and he says he wants a sex life with you. It sounds like you have lots of resentment. But you don't want to have a miserable marriage, do you? If you want to have a happy marriage, you have to let your grudges go, focus on the positives, and communicate. Tell your H how you feel, but when you do, make sure it is open communication and not with the intent of closing a door. Perhaps him thinking of younger women makes you feel insecure, like he wants someone younger than you. I think there is a huge difference between fantasies and reality. Talk to you H about this and you may learn your concerns or fears are not warranted. I think you should grab the opportunity of reviving your sex life with your H. Maybe you can think of some things he can say or do that will ease your hurt and get you into a more loving mood.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm missing that in the OP. Simply one person usually wants sex and the other says no..... Yet from the OP I'm not sure who it is (or in the very unusual case is it both of you)? As for masturbating, who cares to what (as long as it is just images and within my idea of vanilla sex, ie. as I said in another post what is fairly banal type fantasies or the like), unless it is so he doesn't have to with you?
Author CALOVELY Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I am new to this website so forgive my lack of form. I am not the one who denied, it was my husband. I have the way higher sex drive and being denied for all these years do to his issues hurt, it hurt like you cannot imagine. Now we are in a place of love, honesty and sexual awakening but what comes out hurts me. I am trying to come to terms with my husband finding younger women attractive and having sexual thoughts about them. I was young once, why not me? THAT'S what hurts so much. Now that we are in such a great place, I feel like I cannot be the young thing he wants. It just sucks. Totally sucks.
woinlove Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I am new to this website so forgive my lack of form. I am not the one who denied, it was my husband. I have the way higher sex drive and being denied for all these years do to his issues hurt, it hurt like you cannot imagine. Now we are in a place of love, honesty and sexual awakening but what comes out hurts me. I am trying to come to terms with my husband finding younger women attractive and having sexual thoughts about them. I was young once, why not me? THAT'S what hurts so much. Now that we are in such a great place, I feel like I cannot be the young thing he wants. It just sucks. Totally sucks. The past hurts you need to let go of, in order to have a happy future. As to your current hurt and feeling "like I cannot be the young thing he want", tell your H about that feeling. Talk it out. Fantasizing about younger, older, different,... doesn't mean that is what you actually want. Talk with your H and you will likely learn that he wants you in real life.
fltc Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Now we are in a place of love, honesty and sexual awakening but what comes out hurts me. I am trying to come to terms with my husband finding younger women attractive and having sexual thoughts about them. I was young once, why not me? THAT'S what hurts so much. Now that we are in such a great place, I feel like I cannot be the young thing he wants. It just sucks. Totally sucks. Why can't you be the young thing he wants? He can close his eyes and fantasize about anyone he wants, can you HONESTLY say you've never closed your eyes and pretended he was someone else? <G>
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I am new to this website so forgive my lack of form. I am not the one who denied, it was my husband. I have the way higher sex drive and being denied for all these years do to his issues hurt, it hurt like you cannot imagine. Now we are in a place of love, honesty and sexual awakening but what comes out hurts me. I am trying to come to terms with my husband finding younger women attractive and having sexual thoughts about them. I was young once, why not me? THAT'S what hurts so much. Now that we are in such a great place, I feel like I cannot be the young thing he wants. It just sucks. Totally sucks. I'm sorry to hear that and think a souse would rather skulk off in a corner and do it themselves then with their ready and willing spouse.....
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