Ginger380 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I am married to a great man. He works hard, does what he can and give me what I want for the most part. I'm having an affair w a man for over a year who adores me. The sex is the most amazing thing I have ever experience. (only my 2nd lover). It's not just sex though. He rubs my feet. Paints my toes. Colors my hair when I need it. Showers w me and constantly wants to hold or touch me. He also cooks for me. My husband works out of town a is gone 4 days a week. I've tried moving where my husband is but can't find a job or sell my house. I want to be with this other man but I don't want to leave my husband. I have told the OM that I am going to be w him. My H knows I'm not happy........the problem The OM has a hx of cheating. He has broke 3 marriages not counting mine. He is very beautiful and has this animal pull that is nuts. He is currently dating a girl on the side. (he calls her his plan B). She left a long relationship for him. They just date. Per the OM they are not sexually activie. (I'm not having sex w my husband, he's having some physical issues). I asked the OM just to be up front w me. I don't want to catch anything. His OW has only been w one other man. I also don't want to be just a other number. He has been w a lot of women. He says he loves me and is waiting for me and as soon as I leave my H he will be there. Last night he went out w friends.....I found out he invited her and found a recipt where she rented a hotel in the same area. He denied any plans to stay there. I called the room at 730am. He answered. I called bk several times to only be hung up on. Called his cell Phone no answer. He called me a cple hrs later claiming he passed out at his buddies and his phone was dead. I told him about me calling he said it was nit him. He does not know who it was. I know this girl. She is really sweet. She has no clue about me. He uses her when he is mad at me. Plus he has no money and is about to lose his job and house. I have told him so many times I want to b w him and will leave but then I stop when this crap happens. What do I do. Please help me. How do I stay away from him!!?!? The only thing my marriage is missing is my being attracted to my husband and our sex is not fun. My husband is a very "large" man and sex can be very uncomfortable. Please someone help. I'm happy one day. Miserable the next.
sirweasles Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You may have a hard time getting help here honestly you are doing what most of the LS community come here for support with only on your husbands side. I personaly would love to casterate your OM but that is neither here nor there. most of us want to heal from the wounds coused by a cheating spouse or a spouse that has left us for other reasons we want marraige to work. the best advice i can give you is to get a devorce now and come clean with your husband. you do not seem at all remorsful for what you are doing to him. this other guy will drop you like a pile of rags with out any doubt he is what you call a home wrecker he preys off of unhappy house wives. open your eyes a plan b that is from the movies that is a classic un willing to settle person. it is your choice but i suggest you go have a long face to face with your husband and come completely clean about this.
Author Ginger380 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thank your for your response. My friends have also said he was a piece of ****. Some days I see it some days I adore him. My husband had an affair a few years ago. I had a hard time getting thru it, still not through it. I feel horrible. I love my H. I do. I hate what I am doing and would really like to have that passion for him. I don't know how. He refuses to take care of himself. I did tell my H about the emotional nonsense I have been having w the OM. My husband says he loves me and wants me. He will give me what ever I want even if it's a divorce. My fear is......the OM is a phase and I will throw my whole life away by leaving. Me and my H have been married 10 years in a Cple months. I'm sick of all my lying and being lied too but then I want to be with him other times I want to get a restraining order. Blah!
BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You better prepare yourself to catch a lot of grief here Ginger, along with some good advice and suggestions. I think it was Maya Angelou who said, the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your OM has shown you and told you who he is and from what you've posted it's not a pretty picture is it? You are risking your marriage, your health (STD's), and maybe your sanity on this man. Why? You need to get some counseling to address why you are being so self-destructive. To go on as you are, can not turn out good for anyone.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Ginger - This is quite a dilemma, do you really think that your life will be so different with this OM as you have described him here? I think that you see the reality of the situation as you have outlined it here...clearly he is someone who has a history of breaking up marriages. For one, you are definitely in a fog if your going to continue to put up with that from this man...even sympathy for the girl that he is cheating on you with?? The reason why you are happy one day and miserable the next is because this OM has you on a string and you are running blind right now. You need to tackle that monster under the bed first....break the addiction by finding your self-worth, you are definitely worth more than what this OM is doing to you, and your marriage is worth more than that. You need to come clean to your husband, you describe him as a great man...and that deserves respect. Noted, your issues with him should not be deal breakers on your vows. Before these issues came up, did you try talking to your husband or try marriage counseling or anything before you became so unhappy? I can't help but feel for your situation because this OM is definitely duping you sweetie. It's time to wake up, face reality and hope to salvage your marriage if you can. It's going to be hard and it won't happen overnight. Please keep posting and hopefully others here will have some insight as well.
Author Ginger380 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 We have not been able to do couples tx due to his work schedule. He works for the govt so it's pretty tricky. I am in treatment. We are working to try and figure out why I feel the need to be with someone that constantly hurts me like the OM. Truth is, he does. He is a sweet talking devil and everytime pulls me back in after I have called it quits. He always has some Crisis that he needs me for and it starts over. To be honest I would really like to get over the OM, live w my husband, become stable and strong w him and maybe one day have a family. I am wasting what little time I have left to be a mother on this but by no means to I want a family in a situation that is not concrete and stable. I just can't seem to let this addiction go. The OM did admit to me thus AM that he did stay the night w his OW but nothing happened......right. Thank you for your feed back. I really do want to save my life and marriage I just keep screwing up.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Sounds like you and your therapist have a good handle on the situation and are working through it, but you are not being fair to yourself or your therapy to heal. You need to sever the ties with this OM immediately. He is NOT healthy for you...this is a man who is playing you and and other women and breaking up marriages. Honestly, I think you do see the reality here of the situation and are sincere in wanting to work on the marriage. My advice to you to stay out of the OM's drama and not be drawn back in is to cut all contact, block his phone number from your cell phone, your email and detach from people who know him so you are not getting fed info about him. He is an addiction, he is not a good man or even a good catch. Right now, you are hung up on "being the one", but realistically, he is already working on his next victim. I understand all of the things he does and how good all that feels when you are missing that from your life, but there are truly good men that are like that too and not playing women or breaking up marriages. Honest men, who truly care about the women in their lives, your husband could even be that man if you just work on your marriage and tell him what you need. You are attracted to the bad boy hun...time to get back your self-respect so you can work on you and your marriage.
GG2W Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Married women are easy. You would be surprises how many know that they are being played and being used, but come back for more. One of the reasone I have no repect for marriage
iheartboobs Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My friends have also said he was a piece of ****. Have any of them told you that you're a piece of **** yet? I hate to be harsh, but how are you any better than he is? Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking his side or your husband's because they don't exactly strike me as victims in this scenario either, but I want to make it clear that I'm certainly not taking yours. Your husband cheated on you, you cheated on him, your affair cheated on you. None of you deserve to be in a relationship. You want my advice? Cut contact with this other man, admit your affair to your husband, pray he's more forgiving and understanding than I am, both of you go to therapy, and change yourself into someone who's worthy of love and being loved, because, right now, you're not.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 He has broke 3 marriages not counting mine. No he has not. The women who had sex with him broke their own marriage, as you are breaking yours. This guy did not force you to cheat on your husband. You chose to, and you have to take responsibility for that. You cannot blame the other man for your infidelity. He is currently dating a girl on the side. (he calls her his plan B). She left a long relationship for him. They just date. Per the OM they are not sexually activie. Huh, hang on? Am I getting this right? Your other man has another woman, who he says is not having sex with him, and he tells you that she is his plan B? Come on get real, you must surely see what he is doing, a blind squirrel could see it. He is saying the same to her, that you are his plan B. He is banging everything in a skirt that will allow him. He has not an ounce of commitment or an honest bone in him. (I'm not having sex w my husband, he's having some physical issues). Ooh classy, your husband is having physical problems, so instead of supporting him and taking him to the doctor to work through his problem together, you bang another guy? Nice! I asked the OM just to be up front w me. I don't want to catch anything. His OW has only been w one other man. I also don't want to be just a other number. He has been w a lot of women. He says he loves me and is waiting for me and as soon as I leave my H he will be there. WAKE UP. He is using you for sex. He is telling his other woman exactly the same things he is telling you. Last night he went out w friends.....I found out he invited her and found a recipt where she rented a hotel in the same area. He denied any plans to stay there. I called the room at 730am. He answered. I called bk several times to only be hung up on. Called his cell Phone no answer. He called me a cple hrs later claiming he passed out at his buddies and his phone was dead. I told him about me calling he said it was nit him. He does not know who it was. I know this girl. She is really sweet. She has no clue about me. He uses her when he is mad at me. Plus he has no money and is about to lose his job and house. Oh man that is just taking the biscuit. Seriously, read what you've written and pretend it's someone else's story you are reading. What would you say is really going on? Here's a clue: he is a lying bastard. I have told him so many times I want to b w him and will leave but then I stop when this crap happens. What do I do. Please help me. How do I stay away from him!!?!? The only thing my marriage is missing is my being attracted to my husband and our sex is not fun. My husband is a very "large" man and sex can be very uncomfortable. Well to stay away from him: it's easy. You just stay away from him. Duh. Don't call him or see him or bang him. It's not hard, really. You are in control of your actions. Just don't do it. Now if you want to fix your marriage you go to your husband and tell him what you have done. And take it from there. If he wants to work out your marriage then there may be hope for you. If you don't want to fix your marriage then get a divorce, and then whatever you like, go give it a try with the other man. Just remember this: if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Personally, I don't think that all married women are easy, but if the elements of a happy marriage are not present, anyone (male or female) can stray. I emphasize CAN because it doesn't always happen. Should it happen, NO! More often than not, it happens to those who do not have good boundaries in their marriages and forget their own personal boundaries when dealing with the opposite sex. My exH knew I had a hard-lined boundary on infidelity and knew that once he made that step (even though we were working on the marriage) there was no turning back, it was done. Do I still have that hard-lined opinion today, not as much after learning all that I have learned here. I believe that if there was good things about a marriage and two people truly love each other, they can overcome infidelity. It takes a lot of work, patience and understanding to do it, but it can be done. If there is more bad than good, and two people are not willing to change to fix it, then most likely it will not turn out good and just become a battleground of hurt and resentment. Marriage is a piece of paper, a ring on the finger, a symbol of commitment, a promise. The two people in the marriage make it about love, honor and respect by putting each other first, meeting each others physical and emotional needs, being able to forgive and knowing that there is no such thing as perfect. I could go on and on, but don't want to hog the thread....but, the point is boundaries. This is something that the OP is trying to work on in therapy and I applaud that.
Eeyore79 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 The problem seems to be that your husband isn't there for you a lot of the time and you're lonely. The stuff OM does for you is stuff your husband could easily do for you if he wanted to; is your husband really making enough effort in the relationship? Simply giving you stuff isn't enough; he needs to realise that you also need his love and attention. You should be working on your relationship with your husband, not messing around with another man. OM has a history of cheating, has had affairs and has broken up marriages before, and is already cheating on you with someone else (he says he isn't sleeping with her, but you can bet the house that they're at it like rabbits behind your back). He clearly isn't interested in an exclusive relationship with you, whatever he says - if your left your husband he wouldn't be there for you, he's just saying whatever you want to hear in order to get into your panties. You are risking both your sexual health and your husband's by sleeping with this man, especially when you know that he's been around the block and is sleeping with at least one other woman right now. You need to cut contact with him and work on fixing your relationship with your husband. If you need better sex and more intimacy in your marriage, that's something you can work on. Maybe therapy or counselling would help?
firefly12385 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hiya Ginger. Emotional turmoil, eh? Seems you've got 2 issues that you may want to deal with separately. #1 - Your husband. Let's just say this other man wasn't in the picture. Think you'd still be feeling this way? Do you think you will be better w/o your husband regardless? If so, does he (your husband) feel the same way? Have the 2 of you sat down to address the issues? Talk? Seek counseling? Easier said than done, I know. I myself am going through a separation (soon to be divorce I feel), however we have agreed to sit down with a professional psychologist/therapist to "sort our feelings out" with a non-biased person. You may want to try that. Even alone. It helps to verbally get your feelings out and have a professional listen to them. #2 - The other man. Sounds like a real player to me. You really think you're going to be "the one" for him? Do you think it may be possible you're just going through a period of lust with him? Forgive me if you already stated this, but how long have you been seeing this other guy? Seems like he's just dragging you, and others, through the mud until he gets bored, or finds something new. Try going back and reading your original post out loud. See if it makes you feel different. Hang in there and keep us posted Ginger *hugs*
Author Ginger380 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Okay. Let me rephrase and should have said this from The beginning. His "physical issue" not just his but mine. I was born w a uterine birthdefect which makes sex difficult and down right painful. My husband is hung like a zebra. I've had surgery to try and make it better but not really a lot of help. I had only ever been w him. Was married the first time I had sex. He had had been w several people. I hated sex. I wanted to have a positive experience w sex. I felt I was missing something. I had never had an orgasm. Was 32 before I ever did and it was with this other man. I chose to do this. In my head I planned for it to be a one time thing so I would know. Then the guy would not leave me alone. To this day he drives by my house when I wont answer the phone. I want away from him but it's hard. I saw my therapist today. It's true my H is not meeting my emotional needs. I've just gotten so use to being alone and lonely I feel dead. When I am w the crazy guy I feel pain but I feel. I plan to talk to my H today. We have to make major changes in our life if we are to live life in a good way. I hate that I had sex w this man. If I could take it back I would. I need help to quit him. If I can find a job or sell my house I will walk away. Turn my phone off. Change my email and start over w the man I married.
Author Ginger380 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 And yes I have been told I am a piece of ****, an unhappily married whore, a cunt and a lying bitch. So yes. Ive heard it all. Thankfully I am Praying for grace and strength to Change my life.
seibert253 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Ginger. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need professional help, not advice from us. Continue to see your therapist, and be straight forward and upfront with him/her. They cannot help unless you are honest. Also, your H cannot help unless you are straight forward and honest with him. Just telling him you're unhappy doesn't cut it. He needs specifics. There is no greater allie in ending an A, than the BS. If you really want to stop this, tell your H everything. I guarentee he'll ensure you never contact the OM again. If you do, then you probably will be looking for other living arraigments. Good Luck
carhill Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Continue IC and change your contact information and supply it only to your husband. You can do both today. Hour for IC and perhaps two to change all your information. Good luck
You Go Girl Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Tell the OM you never want to hear or see him again. Tell him that you promise if he comes near your home that you will call the police and file a restraining order. He doesn't respect you one bit. It seems you still respect your husband in most ways. I think you could work on that and improve it. As for the sex, certainly the two of you can find other things to do, there is endless possibilities for creativity, and also him not going so deep during penetration. You just need to communicate with your H better. If you could forgive him an affair, he can forgive you. So there's a good point to start talking, by confessing. Naturally he will be upset at first, but he should be understanding considering he's done it himself to you. Your confession can be a starting point to start fixing what isn't working right. There are many ways to ensure that you have an orgasm and that the sex is pleasurable. There is oral, there is using hands, there are vibrating toys. If you don't have orgasms, then it is your fault for not looking into ways to be creative. Your H too could be more creative, and perhaps he is lacking in that area too, I don't know. But this bit about not having an orgasm is just an excuse. Get creative.
iheartboobs Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 And yes I have been told I am a piece of ****, an unhappily married whore, a cunt and a lying bitch. So yes. Ive heard it all. Thankfully I am Praying for grace and strength to Change my life. Okay, well, as long as someone's telling you, we're good. Praying is good. Hell, praying is great. Actually doing something to change your life is better, though. "God helps those who help themselves" might not actually be a verse in the Bible, but that doesn't make it any less true. Also, cut out the victim crap. You act like this OM is making you sleep with him... he's not, your husband isn't, it's all you. And stop the "what am I going to do?" ****. You know what to do, you just don't want to: tell the OM it's over and mean it. It may not be easy, but it certainly is simple.
firefly12385 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 ...ok so now I'm confused. You do NOT want to be with this other man? I thought you did...maybe I missed something. Who do you want: husband, other man, none of the above?
Author Ginger380 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I was not sure. People are right tho. I will Be honest w my husband tonight and leave the OM. Can't Live like this anymore. Thank you
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