londonmummy Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hi All, I am new to this forum I came across it whilst needing outside opinions on my situation. I felt that this was a lovely forum with answers straight to the point I will try and keep it short and sweet well I shall try my best bear with me lol. I met my Husband when we were 17 we have been together ever since we moved in 1 year later. 2 years into the relationship I was talked into staying over with my mum by him I was told there was a power cut and he went out to a club when I returned in the morning I discovered condom wrappers. I confronted him and he told me his friend used them and slept (not in our bed lol) but in our room with someone (using my condoms) I of course never believed this but he always stood by his claims lying... I was going to walk away but decided to give him another chance why I don’t know esp. since he did not make an effort. This has plagued me for many years and made me very insecure. This was back in year 2000 we were v young no excuse I know. He liked to go out and party and had issues with females knowing boundaries he would dance real close winding on them and I discovered pictures of nights out that made me uncomfortable, I told him and showed him how these made me feel. He claimed he comes back home to me so I need not worry which I found rude and dis respectful. However I stayed he has shouted at me in the street but we always loved each other. A lot of his bad behaviour I blamed on him not having his mum and dad around from 13 years of age. we bought our flat together which at first he wanted to do alone until I feel the mortgage adviser advised he stood a better chance doing with me.# I wanted to get married but this never happened we planned our 1st child together in 2005 and had him 2006 he proposed. Then I found he had been talking almost everyday 3-8 times a day via calls and text all hours to a number I called a woman answered. I my husband asked who the number was for he told me a male friends name... not know I knew it was a woman. Something did not seem right I confronted him and it was female work friend he says he thought I would be jealous and as a result he lied and hid her under his male friend’s name. I told him not to meet with her and cut the calls as something did not seem right. He did however go to a work do with her and lied about it and I caught him. She was there and again he lied. I was close to walking and yet he persuaded me to stay I guess because I loved him and we had our son I wanted to try a last time. So we moved into a bigger home and later I fell pregnant with my 2nd son. I was made redundant or there were big cuts I took the money and ran as working and paying 2 lots of child care was proving difficult so I always ways new I would have to go part time if work at all . As here in the UK I need to wait for my eldest to go to big school or pay double for both and that would be all my salary I would be working just to pay childcare and may not even have enough to pay that. We already had our wedding book also that year and I told him I did not care if it was simple I just wanted to be his wife already. We got married money was real tight he resented me for the redundancy , wedding and he found my 2nd pregnancy hard to deal with and right now I was working from home brining less money and studying and trying to run my own business. I want to be there for my kids and establish a job that helps the family and helps me be mum. He has been very unsupportive and does not help me with my bills that I may fall short on some months. This is just until Aug -Nov when my son goes to school at which stage I can return to work, To cut a long story short in Nov I had another feeling and peek at his laptop and found dirty emails to a work college and confronted him he claims they kissed a few times. This girl I warned him about as they would lunch, text call each other constantly he bought her a £100 watch as a graduation gift????? I hit the roof as we have money issues or I do! I find this hard as so much previous pain and hurt and he says just a kiss I spoke to her she said same, He is begging for another go I feel that I have reached my limit. He asked to try counselling I went and basically the councillor seemed shocked at our relationship and the lack of respect and the money issue he gives me nothing but puts food in the fridge he pays our mortgage I respect him for that but I have nothing at all… and bills on my back.. he has since gone out to the club come home at 8,30am when he should be working on our marriage. He has been out 3 times since. We were 6 months married then he cheated claiming he needed an ego boost and our lifestyle change was a result he gave this girl money to buy clothes from her trip to NYC for him things that are not easy to get her in UK I asked him not too as I felt I was pushing boundaries again but he insisted… and I have told him I don’t want them in my house as brings bad memories but he wont let go of them (money). He has since worn them right after this all blew up I am in debt he never asked how he can help or even to say he c and not help me but yet he has money to party buy clothes and go gym 4 times a week. I work hard trying to get money together after what happened working from home ended as was devastated missed too many shifts also he went out to let me cool off and lost that job really. My husband and I got married on May the 29th 2011 Since having my son I still have a little baby weight after breast feeding also with this my self esteem has gone so bad I can not cope and feel so down at times. I have tried and we got on for a few days but the other girls is on my mind and feel so betrayed. I want to have a separation as I don’t see how I will ever trust again I just wanted some advice sorry it was so long winded but wanted to try and explain as much as possible. Also I know when you marry you should wipe the slate clean but looking at our history you can see the hurt mounts up I can not put it to the back of my mind. Writing this has at least helped me and looking at this I think I am making the right choice I feel so stupid. Thank you in advance ;0)
robf1971 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 He's a loser, find someone who treats you right
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hi LondonMummy - First off, welcome to LS but sorry that you have found yourself here in this situation. Not having an inside view or the other side of the story, based on what you have stated you are allowing your husband to overstep the boundaries of your marriage as well as your own boundaries. I can understand the lack of self esteem as being cheated on repeatedly can do that to you. On the other hand, it is up to you to enforce what is unacceptable. Currently it sounds as if you accepted his excuses and validated his stand on cheating on you when you married. Unfortunately, marriage does not just wipe the slate clean if the boundaries of what is acceptable have not been discussed. It does not stop someone's behavior prior to the marriage if you have not set a boundary yourself that it is unacceptable. The recent cheating on his part after the marriage is precisely why the past resentments are coming up...it is a trigger. Have you had a straight forward conversation with your husband on his cheating and how it affects you and your marriage? You state that you have pointed out things to him that you do not like, but have you really told him how this affects you? Understandably, a separation seems imminent and the answer you are seeking; however, it seems that unless you enforce the boundary of infidelity in your marriage you could find yourself yo-yoing in that separation. Please keep posting and hope you find the help and support you need here on LS.
Author londonmummy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Hi All for your advice I appreciate it. I have discussed how his cheating has affected me and he has seen how it does 1st hand. I have also discussed boundaries but it seems he does as he chooses. Each time I have decided to walk away and he begs then I tell him what needs to be done. He has issues with boundaries and I have stressed this even at the councillors office he fails to see what he is doing as wrong. I am looking into the separation as it is too soon to divorce as we have been married less then 1 year unless I am able to divorce due to him cheating and not helping me financial as his wife. Thank you so much for reading and offering your advice I am very grateful. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Well, it seems that you have tried to do what you can and even the counseling is not helping. I can understand where you are coming from as my first exH was a habitual cheater...we were both very young when we started our relationship right out of high school. A lot of it I blamed on maturity on both our parts and in hindsight, had our marriage continued, my story would probably be the same as yours even a decade later. It may be time for a separation, but with clear understanding on your part that this may not save the marriage. If you are willing to take that chance to find happiness for yourself, then you should. He has to want to work on himself for himself, and if he is not seeing what he is doing wrong and how that affects you and the marriage, then you have done all you can really. The next steps will be the hardest for you, and full of emotions. Start working on you and rebuilding that self esteem. You never know where life will lead you and maybe one day he will realize his mistakes. Good luck to you sweetie.
Author londonmummy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thank you very much for that your right and I am looking into life with me and my lovely children . Thanks x
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 A lot of it I blamed on maturity on both our parts and in hindsight, had our marriage continued, my story would probably be the same as yours even a decade later. EDIT: A lot of it I blamed on a lack of maturity on both our parts.... Sorry, couldn't go back and edit properly.
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