Wow. The power of NC.

[Movingthrough]

Well i have been NC for almost 2 months. Long story short, the girl that brought me to this site was a girl that i very much considered the "one". This post is already going to be long so just think of someone that you literally had a HUGE crush on and them coming out of nowhere and saying i feel the same way, thats what happened. During the beginning of the relationship she really pushed it fast, something im not used too, but i really did fall in love with her so i slowly went with it while telling her that i took the L word and everything very seriously. She swore to me up and down that she would always be there.

 

Time went by and i came home, the past few months over there i was a wreck and missed her every day. When i came back she contacted me and we slowly started talking again. She was "talking" to someone else and i asked her about it. She said the typical he was no big deal etc etc. She told me one night that she was very torn and could not stop thinking about me, i told her if that was the case then we need to do something about it. No response. The next day i wrote her a very mature and short email, basically saying this is not what i want and if she is happy and has a new guy, i will let her be. I felt really good about writing it and that i took the high road, so i went NC. That was about 2 months ago, got one message from her on the holidays just saying "Merry Xmas" and i didnt respond. Have not talked to her once the whole NC.

 

She has an old female friend that i have always been close too, and was close too during me and my ex, and am still close to now. We have hung out more since me and my ex ended because i have a good time with her, plain and simple. Well in the few times she has hung out with me she has posted it online, nothing special but just some status's and pics of us out and about.

 

My friend put up a status again on this trip and five minutes later got a call from my ex. So where ya going? She told her and that was it, all hell broke loose.

 

My ex proceded to tell my friend that she us online etc etc and that i was literally the biggest p.o.s on the planet and EVERYTHING that happened between me and my ex was "pushed" by me and that i was basically forcing her to do it all. So all the love stuff, moving in with each other etc etc was ALL me. She also said that i pretty much pleaded to see her when i came home from overseas and she said no because she "with someone else". Basically, she went off for ten minutes and almost every single part of it was a lie, she flip flopped everything that happened between us. She was hinting at the fact that because i couldnt get her back that i moved to "second best" (which is the friend). My friend is very close to me and knew to take it with a grain of salt but she was not happy. It was literally exactly opposite of what i told her happened with me and my ex, so it looked like i was lying to her and that i really was so "messed up" over my ex still. They used to be almost best friends, so no matter what, if she says something to her its going to stick a little.

 

This blew me away and i still cannot believe an adult would say all of those things when she knows i would find out and that it was lies. This to me is the power of NC, i think she is so mad that im not talking to her anymore and have stuck to NC that she is trying to pull me out of it so i message and say...Wtf?? get into a fight, then she is back in control again.

 

I want some LS.org input on this, all i can think of is if you make comments that are openly a lie knowing i will find out (my friend said she was going to talk to me about it) the only reason you can be doing that is to get a reaction out of me.....all i can think of.

 

I will not be contacting her, i dont have her number or email anymore and i really dont want to stoop to a high school level. But this a girl that really does not play in the "drama" or "start stuff" so this was a HUGE surprise to me. Its funny because some of me has felt great like wow she really must be pinning over me if she is with someone "in love" and still feels she should call up a girl im talking to to make her think twice about me.

 

So what do you guys think?

[Movingthrough]

K, the first thing you do is initiate no contact from the beginning. I have a feeling she is using you as a doormat and you my friend need to take control of the situation. So you said you caught her in bed with a another dude, well that's a sure sign of a divorce.

 

?? Think you posted in the wrong thread or something

[timchambo]

Nail her friend. Jk... Or am I. Thas what I feel like doing. Wish I had some advice. I will be following this thread as I can see my situation taking a similar path.

[AbsoluteSucker]

She messed up things up between the two of you, she knows it, you know it and while it sucks to be the dumpee, it can really mess up your mental state to be the dumper.

 

When people are young (or maybe inexperienced is a better word), they perceive life as boring and do things to create drama, it takes years and experience to know that creating drama is exhausting, makes you unhappy and can be self-destructing.

 

While going NC is the best thing for you, it's really the best thing for her. She needs to understand that you can't treat people that care about you like ****, because they will walk away and never look back.

 

If she didn't care or having feelings for you, she wouldn't stoop to this level, but she does and all you can do is use this as a confidence boost and know that you mattered in her life and she threw it away.

 

I know it's unproductive, but if I were you, one of these nights I'd buy nice cigar and bottle of liquor or wine and have good night thinking that even though you just went through a horrible relationship experience and impossible situation, you handled it in a respectful way and came through with flying colors.

[Movingthrough]

She messed up things up between the two of you, she knows it, you know it and while it sucks to be the dumpee, it can really mess up your mental state to be the dumper.

 

When people are young (or maybe inexperienced is a better word), they perceive life as boring and do things to create drama, it takes years and experience to know that creating drama is exhausting, makes you unhappy and can be self-destructing.

 

While going NC is the best thing for you, it's really the best thing for her. She needs to understand that you can't treat people that care about you like ****, because they will walk away and never look back.

 

If she didn't care or having feelings for you, she wouldn't stoop to this level, but she does and all you can do is use this as a confidence boost and know that you mattered in her life and she threw it away.

 

I know it's unproductive, but if I were you, one of these nights I'd buy nice cigar and bottle of liquor or wine and have good night thinking that even though you just went through a horrible relationship experience and impossible situation, you handled it in a respectful way and came through with flying colors.

 

Thanks for the detailed response.

 

I have been thinking about it all day, and it has been a mix of ha ha told you so as far as i knew she would be hurting over me but there is also a side of me that says where does it end? If she was willing to lie with that stuff, and i didnt respond, then what else is going to happen? Overall it doesnt matter at this point but just like anyone, i dont like looking like an idiot. She also blocked me on facebook which is funny because we werent friends on there. I just think this is all very childish at our age, i mean you moved onto another guy days after me, show the world every day online how "in love" you are yet you care what i do?

 

If she was trying to contact me and i didnt respond then i could understand this, she would feel disrespected. But zero contact in months and her showing the world how good she is, wtf does she care?

 

So my question still remains to all LS'ers out there, why would you say a lie about someone knowing they will hear, really stoop to that level after not talking to them for months and being "in love" with someone else? Honestly it baffles me...

[Graceful]

MT,

 

A true case of psychological warfare. This is text book, classic behavior. In fact, I responded to a guy earlier today about this very same behavior! No shiz, it was the exact same thing.

 

So here's the deal.

 

This is a woman who is motivated on how she FEELS. She likes to be with men that make HER FEEL GOOD about, guess who ... HERSELF. This is different from wanting to be with someone where you want to reciprocate.

 

I am telling you, she is like a vampire looking for blood. If she finds someone whose blood tastes good, she will want to keep that person around. She does not want a person for the person, she wants the person similar to the way a drug addict wants drugs. The drug is an inanimate object ... it's how the drug makes her feel. Do you see what I mean?

 

So you've been a drug. She loved the way you made her feel, even though she didn't want a r/l with you. She did not want to get involved b/c she did not want to give anything back to you.

 

She was "talking" to someone else and i asked her about it. She said the typical he was no big deal etc etc. She told me one night that she was very torn and could not stop thinking about me, i told her if that was the case then we need to do something about it. No response. The next day i wrote her a very mature and short email, basically saying this is not what i want and if she is happy and has a new guy, i will let her be.

Basically, when you did this, you were cutting off her supply of you. She didn't have you around to make her feel good. Women like this cannot get enough attention, they crave it.

 

My friend put up a status again on this trip and five minutes later got a call from my ex. So where ya going? She told her and that was it, all hell broke loose.

She finally cracked. They always do. This is her mask coming off, her true colors coming out. This is the real person.

 

My ex proceded to tell my friend that she us online etc etc and that i was literally the biggest p.o.s on the planet and EVERYTHING that happened between me and my ex was "pushed" by me and that i was basically forcing her to do it all. So all the love stuff, moving in with each other etc etc was ALL me. She also said that i pretty much pleaded to see her when i came home from overseas and she said no because she "with someone else". Basically, she went off for ten minutes and almost every single part of it was a lie, she flip flopped everything that happened between us. She was hinting at the fact that because i couldnt get her back that i moved to "second best" (which is the friend).

Change all of the pronouns and this is pure projection, changing and twisting it around to suit her ego. Translation: He cut me off, he stopped paying attention to me, and I thought he was suffering and missing me, the poor sucker. He pushed NC on me and I resented it, but didn't say anything b/c I just assumed he would eventually call. I lost control of the situation and now I see he is enjoying himself, and he's not going to get away with it, because my ego is at stake here."

 

This to me is the power of NC, i think she is so mad that im not talking to her anymore and have stuck to NC that she is trying to pull me out of it so i message and say...Wtf?? get into a fight, then she is back in control again.

BINGO. You cut her off, she was no longer the center of attention.

 

But this a girl that really does not play in the "drama" or "start stuff" so this was a HUGE surprise to me.

I think I mentioned this to you before, but you said that was not her thing ... well, here it is. She blew her cover and she loves attention, even if her way of manipulating it in the past was subtle, now you see her true colors. Again, you made her FEEL GOOD. She is all about feeling good, not about making someone else feel good, she doesn't care about that, it's all one-sided. And sorry, she isn't really pining over you, she was smugly thinking you were miserable and that she still had control.

 

I am telling you, now you are seeing her for who she is. Not so pretty any more, huh?

 

I have to commend you on staying NC, being strong and not wavering. You really are the bomb. Take care.

[Movingthrough]

MT,

 

A true case of psychological warfare. This is text book, classic behavior. In fact, I responded to a guy earlier today about this very same behavior! No shiz, it was the exact same thing.

 

So here's the deal.

 

This is a woman who is motivated on how she FEELS. She likes to be with men that make HER FEEL GOOD about, guess who ... HERSELF. This is different from wanting to be with someone where you want to reciprocate.

 

I am telling you, she is like a vampire looking for blood. If she finds someone whose blood tastes good, she will want to keep that person around. She does not want a person for the person, she wants the person similar to the way a drug addict wants drugs. The drug is an inanimate object ... it's how the drug makes her feel. Do you see what I mean?

 

So you've been a drug. She loved the way you made her feel, even though she didn't want a r/l with you. She did not want to get involved b/c she did not want to give anything back to you.

 

Basically, when you did this, you were cutting off her supply of you. She didn't have you around to make her feel good. Women like this cannot get enough attention, they crave it.

 

She finally cracked. They always do. This is her mask coming off, her true colors coming out. This is the real person.

 

Change all of the pronouns and this is pure projection, changing and twisting it around to suit her ego. Translation: He cut me off, he stopped paying attention to me, and I thought he was suffering and missing me, the poor sucker. He pushed NC on me and I resented it, but didn't say anything b/c I just assumed he would eventually call. I lost control of the situation and now I see he is enjoying himself, and he's not going to get away with it, because my ego is at stake here."

 

BINGO. You cut her off, she was no longer the center of attention.

 

I think I mentioned this to you before, but you said that was not her thing ... well, here it is. She blew her cover and she loves attention, even if her way of manipulating it in the past was subtle, now you see her true colors. Again, you made her FEEL GOOD. She is all about feeling good, not about making someone else feel good, she doesn't care about that, it's all one-sided. And sorry, she isn't really pining over you, she was smugly thinking you were miserable and that she still had control.

 

I am telling you, now you are seeing her for who she is. Not so pretty any more, huh?

 

I have to commend you on staying NC, being strong and not wavering. You really are the bomb. Take care.

 

Once again, thank you for the detailed response, i expect nothing less from graceful and all of LS, i love to have to think about a response.

 

I hate to say it but this is all really new to me, these problems were never present during us and for her to take it to that level still boggles my mind.

 

I also think it shows the the problem with her and all her past relationships. She has always been known to have the facebook page full of pictures, full of "love" when in reality there was problems. She also has a very serious side though and its not what most would think, "dumb girl" walking around breaking hearts, like i said we arent young either. Maybe its just me sticking to all the good memories but this mentality of showing the world everything is great when it isnt, just screams insecurity to me....lets be honest, you are with a guy showing the world you are in love, what the hell do you care about what im doing? We all know what that love feels like, you dont care about ANYTHING else.

 

I wont lie, it does sting a little to hear that she isnt pinning over me, just trying to play more games. Deep down all of us dumpees hope that they dumper gets a little taste of what we felt. I hate to sound pessimistic but literally the week this happened i was doing so much better and really on a forgiveness stage with the whole thing to where seeing pics of her, hearing about her, was not bothering me, it was all coming together.

 

This has set me back a little but it also shows me how out of hand this all is, there is nothing i could do right now that would "fix" this and the thought of someone stooping so low really turns me off. Problem is, after something like this, it brings up questions and i find myself randomly through out the day thinking "wait so why would she say that part?". Obviously it doesnt matter but now i know what all the posters on here saying they have to respond to an email or something mean.

 

Thanks for the responses again, and keep them coming...

[nature]

Moving Through, I know what you are going through. I have been where you are at, but I'm a girl by the way!

 

You say you never saw this side of her during your relationship, and there were never problems like this during your relationship, which has left you baffled. But think about it....when you were in the relationship, you were giving her what she wanted. Undying love and attention. She loved it, so she didn't complain or create drama or behave in this manner. She figured she has it sooooo good having that attention from you, that even if she left you out of boredom or whatever, and sought that attention from another man, that you would still give it to her from the sidelines. She never expected that you would cut her off.

 

I have seen this all too often in other people as well. And have even known some girlfriends of mine to behave to their ex boyfriends the way your ex is behaving to you. They want their cake and to eat it too. It is not hard to figure out, if you just accept that they REALLY ARE thinking this selfishly. Hard to believe someone you had a relationship with and love so much could change and begin to act so selfish, but it happens. And it's happening to you.

 

Everything Graceful said was fantastic. Spot on.

 

I can tell you, that your ex is not super happy. I'm a girl, and I know. She is in "manic" mode at the moment, doing everything in her power to convince you, the world and most of all, herself, that she is happy and doing the right thing. That's why her need to rub in your face by posting photos all over FB with her and the new guy, and whatever. She knows that somehow it will get back to you, whether you see the photos or just hear about them. She is angry because she is not getting what she wants. Therefore, this is her revenge on you. She is attempting to make you hurt....to make you jealous....to make you feel like ****! She wants you to pine away for her. She wants to know you are waiting in the wings for her.

 

You have handled this absolutely wonderfully. I guarantee you, that if you keep up this no contact, she will be contacting you in a few wks or months crying, devestated at having lost you. Like I said before, right now she is in manic, "high as a kite" mode, where everything seems new and exciting and life is grand and she's running on empty. This mode could end in a week or last a year. But at some point, it must end. It always does. Life is never that grand forever. She will come crashing down once she realizes you are not sitting in the wings, and the excitement of being single or being with the new guy wear off. I could bet money on it.

[Ajax]

You have handled this absolutely wonderfully. I guarantee you, that if you keep up this no contact, she will be contacting you in a few wks or months crying, devestated at having lost you. Like I said before, right now she is in manic, "high as a kite" mode, where everything seems new and exciting and life is grand and she's running on empty. This mode could end in a week or last a year. But at some point, it must end. It always does. Life is never that grand forever. She will come crashing down once she realizes you are not sitting in the wings, and the excitement of being single or being with the new guy wear off. I could bet money on it.

 

So what's a guy to do when in a few weeks or months they do come back crying about having lost us??

 

As for the excitement of the new guy wearing off... I also would bet money on it. The sad fact is that we're all the new guy at some point. When I was first with my ex she used to get mad at her roomate for still talking to her ex (my exes ex that is, not the roomate's ex). I used to think the guy was a real sucker for having lost a great girl like her and how pathetic he was for still talking to her roomate. I was sure he was using her to keep tabs. And from his perspective, I was the "new guy."

 

I'm not the new guy anymore. She bailed on me without warning from what was by all accounts a wonderful relationship. Sometimes I look back and wonder if her ex before me was really the loser I thought he must be and if she treated him the same way. If I knew him I'd invite him out for a beer and drink a toast to the new new guy and what he's about to go through.

[kikikoko]

I don't know if I should use NC rule to get my boyfriend back. Pls read my post and give me some advices. Thanks.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261329/

[Movingthrough]

Once again i really appreciate these responses, this is turning into a great thread with a lot of good information.

 

Everyday seems to be a new adventure for me since this happened. Today i found myself walking around wanting to email her, yep i said, break NC. Its like a by product of "letting go", i feel like im at a point now where i want to say to her "look i know what you said and did, and while it was inaccurate i still consider you important and wish you luck in your future, hope all is well".

 

Blah....NOPE.

 

But i wont lie, i have thought about it. I feel like the more i let it go and accept the problem, the more i want reach out and say look im not stooping to your level but you were very important to me and i hope you know that. Its the weirdest thing, i dont get it. I think a lot of it has to do with the future, i dont want this coming up again, NC is great but hearing people talk behind your back and make you out to be a monster is not something that makes me happy, so subconsciously im trying to avoid future issues.

 

I hate to talk about facebook like its life or something but it does bring out certain things in people, she blocked me on there when we are not "friends" on the site, and dont talk to each other. I picture a 14 year old girl throwing a hissy fit and yelling when i think of blocking someone, its childish to let it bother so much, and we are talking about a girl that is moved on and very much "over me" or at least showing that.

 

I realize im venting, but i worry what the future will hold and i think thats why its always on my mind, if someone is so quick to lie.....what else will she do? I also have always felt like she was my best friend so its hard going through the day and seeing things that make you think of them and thinking WAIT i cannot message them. NC is great and very much NEEDED in my situation, but i hate the fact that its even at this point, to me these childish games should be avoided from the get-go.

 

Keep em coming guys, these is a great resource and is really helping me..

[Stilicho]

ha, wow, i feel the same way man, i feel like sending her ex a message on FB and basically say, look man, when you lost her to me, u didnt really lose much at all, as she did the same thing to me as she did to you, and probably told the same lies about how she needed to be saved and whatever....

[darran]

Keep em coming guys, these is a great resource and is really helping me..

 

actually helping me too!

[Movingthrough]

I cant honestly say now that some time has gone by, i think this has kind of brought things back up again. The week before this happened i was doing really good but i find myself thinking more about it now and almost falling back into my old patterns.

 

All i keep thinking to myself is if she was so happy with this new guy then wtf is she talking about me for and why couldnt she be an adult and bring it to me?

 

I realize most of this has already been answered but that is what has been going through my head recently. It still amazes me that someone of our age could be like this. I also saw a pic of her online (was an honest mistake im not joking) and while it doesnt bother me like it used to, it just seemed so fake and it kills me to think that she is such a mess when i was the one that was with her months ago, almost like a hit to me that i didnt realize this and leave ASAP..