Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Come on.. Let's suppose you are single, haven't had sex for a while, you meet a girl at a bar, and you both get horny at some point and she invites you for a "drink at her place", will you refuse ?. It doesn't mean you are both into ONSs, it objectively can happen, it doesn't make you invaluable/immoral people. People may have strong boundaries and yet break them depending on the context. Sorry for going out of the main Topic. What? Yes, if you do it... that means your into it. It is an active choice people make. I have frequently turned down casual sex. I've never been that hard up. In regards to it being a moral choice... I don't know. I've just noticed over the years that women who easily jump into bed with guys also cheat quicker.
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Tell that to employers and the justice system. Yeah but here is you from another thread complaining about people treating dating like a job interview: Dating is not an interview or shopping around. Dating is supposed to be fun. But when it comes to a woman's past - well hell, you believe the opposite so much so its your tag line.
One Unicorn Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Men want to know if you have broken with that past pattern/behavior if you have any. We know that it's not right to hold a woman responsible for her past adventures, but we do use those questions to understand past patterns so that we can try to establish if you broke that pattern. We need to know if women are serious and at least capable of loyalty before we commit fully. We do not want to end up with the wrong partner. I agree entirely and it goes both ways. I fully expect a man to ask me about my past, why wouldn't he? It's part of what has made me who I am. Just like I would expect him to take an interest in my hopes and dreams, current political/religious beliefs, etc. I have a number and I will be honest about it... that does not mean that you have to divulge ALL of the gory details. I would expect him to share the same information with me in return. If the truth reveals information that makes either one of us not want to pursue the relationship further, it's that much sooner that we can both move on. Seriously, if a guy is going to take off because of your past, why would you want to be with him in the first place?
Author Sw3etdev1L Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 About that, what I told my boyfriend was just something like... "I love you, and I respect you and I rather not tell you what my sexual past was like".... why? Because I do love him, and maybe he is just curious. maybe he wouldn't judge me, and accept me with all my past. He knows all the important stuff about me about my past. I just don't think, telling him I had sex with other three people beside him is important. And less, to tell him I had One Date Sex and extended that into a relationship of a year and a half... I didn't thought that would happen but it did... why? because with him I waited enough time to know we were compatible without the sex and I wanted a serious relationship. The timing with him was right, and before.... it wasn't. My sexual past is not relevant and it might be disturbing for him. So, I know he is curious, but I rather not feed that curiosity.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 About that, what I told my boyfriend was just something like... "I love you, and I respect you and I rather not tell you what my sexual past was like".... why? Because I do love him, and maybe he is just curious. maybe he wouldn't judge me, and accept me with all my past. He knows all the important stuff about me about my past. I just don't think, telling him I had sex with other three people beside him is important. And less, to tell him I had One Date Sex and extended that into a relationship of a year and a half... I didn't thought that would happen but it did... why? because with him I waited enough time to know we were compatible without the sex and I wanted a serious relationship. The timing with him was right, and before.... it wasn't. My sexual past is not relevant and it might be disturbing for him. So, I know he is curious, but I rather not feed that curiosity. Bottom line is that you dont trust him and you are so insecure about your past actions that you plan to hide them instead of deal with it. I think if you just told him like you were not ashamed, he would not have a problem. Or if he did, he would get past it quickly. However that is moot because you have chosen to be dishonest. I assume you will make this choice whenever something difficult comes up. Kudos to you.
Author Sw3etdev1L Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 There's men who bring up this things after a while.... and they can't get past your past. There's men who can handle it. How do I know, if he CAN ? Eitherways.... if he loves me now, why would that be important?
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Unless your BF is a virgin seeking to lose his virginity with another virgin, your past 3 sexual partners, the fact that one of them you knew well and had sex on your first "official" date and it turned into a relationship - none of this is extreme behavior that should be seen in a negative light. He isn't asking because he loves you or is simply curious. He told you he didn't want to be with someone who had sex on the first date to let you know that he is still quite capable of walking away from you. I don't think knowing someone well and then having sex with them on your first date qualifies as a "sex on the first date" situation. Your BF may feel differently simply because it provides him a way to not invest any further in something he has already attained. To him, sex diminishes a woman's worth. He has already had sex with you yes? So now he is looking for a way to devalue you and leave. I do believe you should have told him the truth because your past isn't something you can change and if it contains things he would use to think poorly of you after what he has experienced in being with you - you should want him gone for the lacking in his character. He is seeking out your lacking, and in doing so, showing you HIS lacking. And his lacking pertains to THIS relationship, not one of his past. He is questioning you? It means he doesn't trust you or your value. Yet he is still willing to have sex with you without all the information he is now wanting. Don't fear disclosing your past to anyone. Doing so will only cause you to feel ashamed of things you shouldn't be ashamed of. Its not like you were a frat house mouse fer criss sake! Head up high lady, and don't let any relationship have you feeling low. Take note of how a relationship you're trying to have with no overt promiscuity or cheating is being used to chip away at you. So.....what is the sex partner number of this fella who lost his virginity at 13 anyway? I'll bet its high. I'll bet its a lot higher than 3 before you.
SmileFace Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 There's men who bring up this things after a while.... and they can't get past your past. There's men who can handle it. How do I know, if he CAN ? Eitherways.... if he loves me now, why would that be important? Please tell me you are being modest. What you claim to have done isn't that bad. I don't see why you feel so bad. You are acting like you are going to tell him you use to kill baby puppies for fun. Lying isnt going to get you anywhere. If you love someone so much - you shouldn't lie to them. You should want someone to love you for you . Not love you for who they think you are.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My boyfriend asked me the other day.. -how many guys were you with sexually, before me?... I didn't answer, just said an approximate. -he asked me if I had been with a guy sexually the first date... I told him no, I lied to him... I felt so bad about it. Bad that I lied and bad because he said something like, I wouldn't be boyfriend of a girl who has sex for the first date... so I said no.. I didn't want him to be hurt by my past actions, my past party times... why??? -He asked me who ehre they, I didn't say a word. Why are you guys so curious about our sexual past...some of you can get over it, and some of you don't.. so, why even ask?... and not respect the boundary.? If you haven't slept with each other, I think it's reasonable for him to want to know these things and you should let him know if you do plan on becoming intimate in that way. If you have already slept together and decided to be in a relationship, why didn't he ask you all of this pertinent information before you two had sex and began seeing each other? You're good enough to sleep with for the time being regardless of your sexual/relationship history so why all the questions now? I don't get it either.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 There's men who bring up this things after a while.... and they can't get past your past. There's men who can handle it. How do I know, if he CAN ? Eitherways.... if he loves me now, why would that be important? If he loves you. If he can look at you for who you are, and not what he hopes you to be and loves you. If he can see your flaws and the things he may not like about you and love you along with that. Not despite your flaws... but love you WITH your flaws. That is why it's important? So many times we fall in love with this fake person who is presented to us all polished and nice, with no bumps or rough edges. Is that really love? I don't think it is. Believe me... when a man sees all the things you don't like about yourself smiles and tells you that he loves that too about you... it is a very intimate feeling.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You're good enough to sleep with for the time being regardless of your sexual/relationship history so why all the questions now? I don't get it either. I've mentioned it multiple times and so have some other guys in this thread. Men use patterns of the past as indicators for the future. We are probing your ability for a serious relationship in which you are loyal to us. In order to establish a conclusion we need to figure out what tendencies you had in the past. If you block us out of that information, then we will not trust you and doubt your capability of having a serious relationship. The thing we really want to know is if you broke with past patterns if you have any. That way we can happily sail into the future with you. It's not about holding your past f*cks against you. We're analyzing you NOW using your past patterns, so we can project a possible future with you.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I've mentioned it multiple times and so have some other guys in this thread. Men use patterns of the past as indicators for the future. We are probing your ability for a serious relationship in which you are loyal to us. In order to establish a conclusion we need to figure out what tendencies you had in the past. If you block us out of that information, then we will not trust you and doubt your capability of having a serious relationship. The thing we really want to know is if you broke with past patterns if you have any. That way we can happily sail into the future with you. It's not about holding your past f*cks against you. We're analyzing you NOW using your past patterns, so we can project a possible future with you. If that's really his motive, then wouldn't it be wiser of him to ask how many times has she been unfaithful to a partner? Or better yet, how long have any of her relationships have lasted? How many people she has had sexual encounters with has nothing to do with if a person will be loyal in a committed relationship or not? And why didn't he ask these questions before he had sex with her and before he actually got into a relationship with her?
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I've mentioned it multiple times and so have some other guys in this thread. Men use patterns of the past as indicators for the future. We are probing your ability for a serious relationship in which you are loyal to us. In order to establish a conclusion we need to figure out what tendencies you had in the past. If you block us out of that information, then we will not trust you and doubt your capability of having a serious relationship. The thing we really want to know is if you broke with past patterns if you have any. That way we can happily sail into the future with you. It's not about holding your past f*cks against you. We're analyzing you NOW using your past patterns, so we can project a possible future with you. Then you shouldn't be sleeping with people UNTIL you've sussed it all out and found it to your liking. Otherwise, you're just as guilty. Having sex with someone AND THEN worrying about what that person's tendencies might be is just a convenient way to get all self righteous about their promiscuity while your own number goes up and up, showing YOU can't have a serious relationship or be loyal. You're being promiscuous yourself if you don't worry about this crap before getting laid.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) If that's really his motive, then wouldn't it be wiser of him to ask how many times has she been unfaithful to a partner? Or better yet, how long have any of her relationships have lasted? How many people she has had sexual encounters with has nothing to do with if a person will be loyal in a committed relationship or not? It's indirect and secondary information. It's complimentary information that helps paint a picture. You also mention some good questions. Then you shouldn't be sleeping with people UNTIL you've sussed it all out and found it to your liking. Otherwise, you're just as guilty. Having sex with someone AND THEN worrying about what that person's tendencies might be is just a convenient way to get all self righteous about their promiscuity while your own number goes up and up, showing YOU can't have a serious relationship or be loyal. You're being promiscuous yourself if you don't worry about this crap before getting laid. I never mentioned men should wait with finding out if a women can be loyal AFTER they slept with them. That would indeed make less sense, but I'll bet my months wage on it that there are many men that do ask that question later on in the relationship, simply because they might rather not ask such a bold question right off the bat, even though they damn well know they actually should. Edited January 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 It's indirect and secondary information. It's complimentary information that helps paint a picture. It's indirect to not ask before getting involved in a relationship. Why get involved and then decide 'oh well if she slept with a lot of people I don't want want to be with her now because she's not relationship material.' I never mentioned men should wait with finding out if a women can be loyal AFTER they slept with them. That would indeed make less sense, but I'll bet my months wage on it that there are many men that do ask that question later on in the relationship, simply because they might rather not ask such a bold question right off the bat, even though they damn well know they actually should. This whole thinking process is self serving and flawed. Who wants to be in a relationship with any man that thinks this way? It does make more sense to ask these question prior to getting involved in any way with someone else if it bothers or concerns you that much, regardless of boldness. My values are very important to me and when seeking out a relationship with someone I will be bold about them. The other person can then decide whether or not they can agree or not. Either way it saves everyone a whole lot of trouble and likely heart-ache.
Romance Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 It's really not a good sign you can't be honest. I would tell a guy any question he asked about my past. If they were a deal breaker for him, goodbye. Not worth my time.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Why get involved and then decide 'oh well if she slept with a lot of people I don't want want to be with her now because she's not relationship material.' I'll say it again. We're trying to establish if you broke with past patterns. We don't want to end up with a woman that is going to cheat on us. Would you go into a serious relationship with someone that you know has been a player right up to the moment you met him? Would you want to marry a player and potentially have a kid with him? Only an inexperienced or naive woman will burn her hands on such men. As if a player would automagically change his behavioral patterns. This whole thinking process is self serving and flawed. Self serving, yes. Our hearts can break too you know, we don't have square mechanical hearts.
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'll bet my months wage on it that there are many men that do ask that question later on in the relationship, simply because they might rather not ask such a bold question right off the bat, even though they damn well know they actually should. And I'll bet a years wage that they don't ask because they JUST WANT TO GET LAID and believe such questions will thwart their goal. A guy who thinks sex diminishes a woman's worth will wait till after he gets what he believes elevates him as a man -getting laid - and then look for a way to think of her as not good enough anymore. He isn't intentionally waiting to ask out of some silly nod to timing "Oh! Its too soon to ask such a personal question oh!" No, that's ridiculous. If its too soon to ask something so personal, then its too soon to have sex. They just don't think about it at all because they're too busy thinking about getting laid. I do believe there are men and women who prefer to not be in a relationship with a promiscuous person. But they are rare. Most people just do what their sex drive and attraction would have them do. Then they feel expected to some level of commitment after the fact. THAT'S when they begin questioning the character of their sex partner out of fear and laziness. They fear having to put in effort for someone they didn't consider very deeply in their quest for sex. I also think we push men to early sex to the point where they are engaging in behavior before they are emotionally ready for it. They go in for the sex, and then look for someone (the woman) to pin the guilt on. As a society, we tell them to get in there and get laid to prove they are a man. If they feel bad about it after, they pin it on her rather than themselves.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'll say it again. We're trying to establish if you broke with past patterns. We don't want to end up with a woman that is going to cheat on us. Would you go into a serious relationship with someone that you know has been a player right up to the moment you met him? Would you want to marry a player and potentially have a kid with him? Only an inexperienced or naive woman will burn her hands on such men. As if a player would automagically change his behavioral patterns. Self serving, yes. Our hearts can break too you know, we don't have square mechanical hearts. It sounds to me from what the OP has said that they are already involved in a serious relationship, which may include sex, but I don't know because OP hasn't said.
Mad Max Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have nothing to hide and feel no need to erase past memories whatsoever. On what basis are you making that assumption? Because you were rather defensive, which is a sign that there is something to hide. But when it comes to a woman's past - well hell, you believe the opposite so much so its your tag line. I hope you don't plan to join a debate team because it will not end well. Dating and sex are complately different topics. Back to what I was saying, the defensive attitudes are very disturbing.
denise_xo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Because you were rather defensive, which is a sign that there is something to hide. Nope, no defensiveness. And nothing to hide.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Then you shouldn't be sleeping with people UNTIL you've sussed it all out and found it to your liking. Otherwise, you're just as guilty. Having sex with someone AND THEN worrying about what that person's tendencies might be is just a convenient way to get all self righteous about their promiscuity while your own number goes up and up, showing YOU can't have a serious relationship or be loyal. You're being promiscuous yourself if you don't worry about this crap before getting laid. So you are suggesting it should be like a first date question?
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 So you are suggesting it should be like a first date question? If you have sex on the first dates then yes and/or before you have sex with someone. I don't understand how anyone can not value the act of sex with someone enough to ask these important questions.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 If you have sex on the first dates then yes and/or before you have sex with someone. I don't understand how anyone can not value the act of sex with someone enough to ask these important questions. Meaning of course that they are important to you. Which apparently they are important to this boyfriend of hers.
sally4sara Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Because you were rather defensive, which is a sign that there is something to hide. I hope you don't plan to join a debate team because it will not end well. Dating and sex are complately different topics. Back to what I was saying, the defensive attitudes are very disturbing. I was on the debate team. Your statements show that dating to you is YOU interviewing them. You fancy yourself the boss and they a potential employee. You pay them (the wooing) and take note of their performance until you decide they are not qualified for the job and fire them. But you find being in their shoes, being the one being interviewed, unacceptable. I respect that you claim you live up to the standards you seek, but you clearly don't like being in the position of the one being scrutinized, evaluated, and compared. You like to believe that, no matter the open position they are offering - you're already oh so qualified. No point in a debate here. It is what it is. Whats the point of denying it?
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