So Much Pain!!

[LostMyHeart]

Believe me, was not a lash out in any way, think I was rather nice about it considering. My apologies, my exH was an avid cheater and pretty much the reason why this guy is out is due to my insecurity caused by the possibility that he might cheat. No matter who's fault, there were actions here that caused two people to get hurt is the point.

Edited March 1, 2011 by LostMyHeart

[LostMyHeart]

As usual, I wake up and my brain immediately goes to something he said or did, did I do the right thing, is this truly all my fault now? I know that I am truly remorseful about hurting him by deleting him...and I do understand how he feels and how that hurts him. I know he said that he is sorry for how things went down too, yet there are times when he feels that when I say I am sorry, I don't really mean it. And I do know that his sorry for how things went down has more to do with me and how I handled it more so than him realizing any part he played in it. I take it for what it is...and as he said, it's hard any way you look at it.

 

I find myself more these days looking at the whole relationship, not just the good things, but everything. How I behaved, how he behaved...putting myself in his shoes and seeing how things must have looked to him. Trying to understand that part...trying to understand why he stopped feeling the way he did about me...where it went wrong. Knowing that when he started pulling back or doing things out of the norm, I got demanding...asking for consideration of my feelings, but I do now see how that would be considered as having to tip toe around me.

 

We had that discussion several months ago, it was a simple request to not just leave a text discussion hanging for hours on end or until the next day...just simply say, I gotta go..talk to ya later. Considerations that I gave him many times especially after he explained to me how his ex made him feel insignificant doing something similar.

 

I guess, in retrospect, I did try hard to be a priority in his life as I made him one in mine; however, I did have to put in some boundaries especially when it came to my work...I couldn't be there for him while I was in meetings..texting back and forth. I would let him know my schedule so he wouldn't feel I was ignoring him, yet I know that he felt hurt that I was too "busy" for him. I also know he tried to be understanding about that....but I know that it was an issue for him...not because he was needy, but more because of leftover feelings from his previous relationship. In that, I tried to do everything I could to make him feel more secure in that...because I genuinely cared about his feelings.

 

I think that many times he felt that he had to change to fulfill my needs....most likely some of these things may have been the issue. I changed my scheduled time for getting ready for work in the morning so I could spend the first 45 minutes of the day with him online. After about six months of this he mentioned one day that he typically tries to do his email and stuff during that time and I asked him if he wanted me to stop because that was typically when I got ready for work...he said no, he like having me there. This may have been him feeling that he needed to change his routine and that he was fulfilling a need for me...yet, I thought I was fulfilling a need for him..someone to start his day with....perhaps that was me trying to pull him into my world and it was wrong. The more he was there for me, the more I tried to be there for him...as he complained that not many people were, many people didn't stick around. I tried to not be one of those people, yet I did that to him in the end...cast him out, and for that there is no retribution.

 

I truly hope that he does not harbor that...I asked him if he thought that he had to change to meet my needs and said in part. I told him that was never my intent and he said he knows. I don't believe in changing people but I do believe in letting someone know what your needs are or how something they do affects you...if they care about you and love you, they will modify that if it is truly a large issue. I saw him modify some things as well as I modified some things...it's what two people do in a relationship when they are getting to acceptance. I'm not going to rewrite history and say all the things I did for him...we did great and wonderful things for each other...because we genuinely cared for each other. I never needed for him to point out all the things he did for me...I saw them and I fell in love with him for them.

 

I know he is there if I need to talk and he knows I am here if he needs someone to talk to as well...I will move on to healing...after a couple of NC weeks of him being consistent but quiet...he is now moving on as well. I regret it and will miss those times of us more than anything...but it's for the best when someone needs to find their wings and way in this world. I will always love him for the positive things he brought to mine.

[LostMyHeart]

I woke up this morning again...thinking about him...dreamed about him..wish those would stop. Spent most of the morning chatting with my friends and then suddenly this huge wave of panic and anxiety just hit my whole body. I started crying uncontrollably and can't figure out what caused it. I recall just vividly thinking that I no longer have the right to know what he is doing, what he is thinking, how he is...etc...it's as if he died, as if he disappeared off the planet in comparison to how we used to be.

 

I know it is grieving...but I have never grieved like this before. Maybe it's finally coming to the realization that it's over...that I need to close that door back that he keeps leaving open because it's not getting us anywhere really. I got angry and lashed out on him the other night because he says if I want to talk fine...but he doesn't want to talk about the issue, my feelings or what happened...so what is there to talk about?

 

And the really stupid part of it all....he stopped going on the dating site for a week, but I don't even know if that was a sign that he realized that was creating a trust problem and didn't match the words that he wasn't looking. Don't put much stock in it...other side is that he was looking and found someone else that soon. I just remember him saying to me how much this relationship meant to him and he never wanted to jeopardize it....then he spent 3 weeks doing exactly that and I don't know why....will never really know I guess.....just hard day...very hard day.

[LostMyHeart]

One month ago...put him on No Contact....have had 3 instances of contact...him blasting me angrily for disposing of him....next, a one-sided conversation of how he felt about it and the last one, me lashing out at him.

 

Well...guess what. I WAS RIGHT....NOTHING WRONG WITH MY THOUGHT PROCESS ...NOTHING WRONG WITH MY INSTINCTS EITHER...IF IT LOOKS LIKE SH*T, SMELLS LIKE SH*T, IT'S PROBABLY SH*T!!!!!!!

 

Don't ask me how I know, but I do...have evidence of it now and I was right...I was right the whole time...not looking, not pursuing....if I had the opportunity, I would go for it. Speaking out of both sides of his mouth. I saved myself, because I am now a month out and healing before he could blindside me by moving directly onto this new woman.

 

There...now that the anger of finding out is done....

 

Honestly, it's not that he is with her and went for it...it's more the stringing along, making me feel sorry for him that I was being too hard on him and guilty for hurting him. That's his damage...it's the apology I should get as I went through a heck of a lot of crap with him too....but he doesn't see how he hurts others...only how others hurt him.

 

I forgive myself for feeling guilty and remorseful for putting this man on NC after what I saw he was doing to me...for trusting my instincts. His crime is not that he has pursued her and may very well be happy with her..it was best that I did step out of the way once I knew which way this whole scenario was going. It was lying to me that he wanted to be with me when he no longer had the interest. Keeping me as a backup plan, I won't be one for any man ever...I deserve better than that. Turning everything around on me and making me out to be the one who wanted to move on...and the hatefulness in the way he spoke to me....the way he told me about her days before with no warning that I was being friend-zoned after a one year relationship...as if what we had was nothing. Even more, the way he blasted me, making me feel guilty and shamed for "disposing" of him, and accusing me of playing the victim when it is obviously him doing that.

 

Even despite all of this...all of the hurt and pain that we did cause each other at times...but more than that...the times when we were so good to each other and cared...I do wish the best for him...that this woman works out for him so he will be happy. I wish that for him as much as I wish happiness for myself one day. I wish that for him...because as much as I hate the things he did sometimes...I truly did/do love him.

 

Now it's time for ME!!! I did the right thing in leaving the relationship....I learned to let go of something I loved but was hurting me....that's actually a good step for me and a valuable lesson learned.

[LostMyHeart]

I forgive myself for feeling guilty and remorseful for putting this man on NC after what I saw he was doing to me...for trusting my instincts. His crime is not that he has pursued her and may very well be happy with her..it was best that I did step out of the way once I knew which way this whole scenario was going. It was lying to me that he wanted to be with me when he no longer had the interest. Keeping me as a backup plan, I won't be one for any man ever...I deserve better than that. Turning everything around on me and making me out to be the one who wanted to move on...and the hatefulness in the way he spoke to me....the way he told me about her days before with no warning that I was being friend-zoned after a one year relationship...as if what we had was nothing. Even more, the way he blasted me, making me feel guilty and shamed for "disposing" of him, and accusing me of playing the victim when it is obviously him doing that.

 

Now it's time for ME!!! I did the right thing in leaving the relationship....I learned to let go of something I loved but was hurting me....that's actually a good step for me and a valuable lesson learned.

 

Today is 3 whole weeks NC....I have to go back and remind myself of what I wrote a couple of weeks ago because I still have the hardest days most times. I miss him so much, but I know the person I miss is not the person he is anymore. These days, I just feel emotionally bankrupt. :(

[LostMyHeart]

Tomorrow will be one month total NC. A year ago this week, I was with him on our second visit. I took a picture of him.....he put it on his FB profile picture yesterday...why?? Why would he do that?

 

I know I should stop checking....stop caring, but I can't.....I still miss him, I miss "us".

[Fufu]

Hang on to it, you can do it.

 

Take a read of this thread I posted today,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271118/