tobydog1 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Oh no I need more help from you guys. He left us 4 months ago, always adamant not for AW but was living with her. Well after a few nice emails (civil) this week, he says he does not want a divorce and wants to save our 14 yo marriage. She is moving back to Scotland and he does not want to go. Then he tells his mum she is not going. He wants to bring all his stuff back here and go to his Mum's so we can chat and sort this mess out. I sent him a few mails last night saying I just thought he was using me and dumping his stuff here to go off to Scotland. Heart wants him back and head says no. We had a cuddle for the first time in 4 months and he squeezed me tight and kissed me on the neck. He was visibly upset. So he says he will come today to see us, then did not show. He is probably hurt by my saying I no longer trust him and that I think he is just using me to store his stuff. When we saw each other on Friday, I felt he was being genuine. He is ill with pleurisy and thin and admitted to a breakdown. He said all he now thinks about are the good times we had together. What do you guys reckon? Sincere or using me? Christ I just want to understand what is going on.......I was doing so well too and now am back at the start. He told me and his mum that he still loves me and wants it back like before. What do I do? No contact today at all either. Cheers x
Rose T Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I'm no expert on second chances or the situation you're in, but I'd say go with your gut instinct that he's still being egotistical. After a breakup, it's wise to hand the decision making to your head and give your heart a break. Your heart is probably in no position to judge wisely at the moment and will always want to spring back to that person, so you really have to listen to your head. Even if you do have a chance of patching things up, I would have thought that its way too soon for him to be moving his stuff back in. Also his no-show today wasn't a good sign - that's being unreliable and disrespectful. You don't want to go through all that again. If he wants to show you he's changed, you need to take it very slow. I'd suggest that his stuff stays out of your life until you have a sense of whether you really have a future together. Hang on in there and remember that you're not alone - I've found the kindness of strangers on LS a great help. The hardest decisions that we have to make are always those when we're only 51% convinced that we're doing the right thing. Sounds like you're starting to heal a bit 4 months after the breakup, so be sure that you want to get back into this situation before you risk getting hurt again. He needs to be a BETTER man than the one you originally fell in love with if you are to overcome the betrayal of trust he's put you through.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You are his back-up plan. Because his wench is going back to Scotland he is settling for you. Sorry to say, next piece of skirt that flashes his way, he will be off again. Being someone's back-up never ends well!
Author tobydog1 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Rose, Thanks. I also have my faults and need to be a better person too. Pete I I am bringing this to the top as a few new developments have happened. I appreciate your honesty. After the email I posted on another thread there have been a few more along the same lines; I want to save this, I hate how I am living now, I can't live without my son, I can't throw all this away etc Then I talked to him for the first time in a civil manner for ages and he says the same. She is now not going to Scotland as her GRANDKIDS don't want her to and so is not going. So neither is he. I think he just was throwing me crumbs to store his stuff in the garage so he could go; now has no need to. Being the attention seeking whore that I am (LOL) I went around to where he is living with her the other night. Stupid I know but I only knocked on the door for some answers as he has thrown me back into turmoil. He went mad and I saw her in the hallway. Oh my God If he has slept with her he should be downright ashamed. She is a fat ugly trollop. Mutton as lamb. She is 22 years older than him. He said to me she wants more but he can't give it. As he has lived there for 4 months I think he must have! I feel sick at the thought of it. He said he was going to move to his mums and we could talk and resolve this, to believe him and he is not lying. He has not. he has told his mum he loves me and wants to save this but he lies to her too. But I know he is lying, tell me he is. Tell me he has had a rel with her and I need to cut him off compleately. I had been doing so good too until the frigging crumbs came and I ate them....What a fool I am. I want to tell him to go to Hell but also don't want to ever contact him again. Why has he traded down so massively? He is 35 and she is 56! And she is a slut with a terrible reputation. Tell me to shut the door as it is still an inch open........ D x
You Go Girl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Toby, I haven't followed your threads. But, to tell someone who wants to patch it up with you that they are just using you to store things, really is nasty. Either you want him or you don't. Stop screwing with his heart after complaining so many times he is screwing with yours. You could tell him that he can't store his things at your place until it is patched up, or you can end it. But from what I've seen, you don't want to give him up either. Geesh girl, stop screwing around and make up your mind. Just because you have the upper hand currently, doesn't mean you will in awhile, later, when you decide that you want him back again. I think you two are horrible to each other.
Rose T Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 She is 22 years older than him. He said to me she wants more but he can't give it. As he has lived there for 4 months I think he must have! I feel sick at the thought of it. Sadly I think you have to trust your gut on this one. We're almost never wrong when it comes down to this sort of stuff. He said he was going to move to his mums and we could talk and resolve this, to believe him and he is not lying. He has not. he has told his mum he loves me and wants to save this but he lies to her too. He has quite a track record of lying, doesn't he? Maybe he's even starting to believe his own lies. Trust is so important D, how can you ever feel good and secure around this man again? But I know he is lying, tell me he is. Tell me he has had a rel with her and I need to cut him off compleately. I had been doing so good too until the frigging crumbs came and I ate them....What a fool I am. I want to tell him to go to Hell but also don't want to ever contact him again. Tell me to shut the door as it is still an inch open........ D x I know how much you're hurting now but if it helps, you don't have to do anything at the moment. Just remove yourself from the situation for a moment, go NC if you can. That gives you the time to wait and see if he can give you any positive signs at all, or start healing and getting yourself together. He's made all the terrible decisions so far. You don't have to rush into a reconciliation. Take time to heal, listen to the wise people around you. Step back from this man. If your son was in your position, being treated by someone that he had loved like this, what would you tell him to do?
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 But I know he is lying, tell me he is. Tell me he has had a rel with her and I need to cut him off compleately. I had been doing so good too until the frigging crumbs came and I ate them....What a fool I am. I want to tell him to go to Hell but also don't want to ever contact him again. He is lying! They are shagging like rabbits, he is probably full of STDs now! You need to cut him off completely. Remember how good you were doing before the crumbs. You need to get back to that, and from there you can get even better and build a happy life for yourself. The best way to tell him to go to hell is to not contact him again. He will be in hell when he realizes he can't control or manipulate you any more. Shut that door!!! tobydog I've been reading your posts for a while now and you are a really nice person. He is treating you like complete sh#t and you definitely deserve better than him! {{hugs}}
Author tobydog1 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks you are both right! Ugh I hadn't thought of STD's,, ugh! I've woken up this am feeling a bit better and stronger and determined to cut him out. Then when it all goes pear shaped he will have to live with himself and hopefully be ashamed of what he has done. Cheers guys, hope we all have a better day x
Author tobydog1 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Toby, I haven't followed your threads. But, to tell someone who wants to patch it up with you that they are just using you to store things, really is nasty. Either you want him or you don't. Stop screwing with his heart after complaining so many times he is screwing with yours. You could tell him that he can't store his things at your place until it is patched up, or you can end it. But from what I've seen, you don't want to give him up either. Geesh girl, stop screwing around and make up your mind. Just because you have the upper hand currently, doesn't mean you will in awhile, later, when you decide that you want him back again. I think you two are horrible to each other. That is just it, he has thrown me a few miserable stale crumbs and it is all a lie, just so he could store his things! Yes I would love him back but cannot trust him so my heart says no way.
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I would love him back No, you want back the person you thought he was. That person no longer exists. You have to forget about this imposter, he looks like him but he is no good for you!!
2010_Sorry Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 No, you want back the person you thought he was. That person no longer exists. You have to forget about this imposter, he looks like him but he is no good for you!! Toby, PegNose's comments are true... right now. Right now, he is not the person that you thought he was. He changed to someone that is not worthy of your love. While he could change back to that person again, just as he changed from that person... he is not there. I can tell that based on the continued lies and the way he is treating you. The absolute BEST thing you can do is to take his crappy stale crumbs and feed them to the birds. But... I think you already knew that sweetie! Big hugs!!
Author tobydog1 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I am so down and close to ending it all tonight. He does not want me or his son so I am planning a way out. Over dramatic fool I am I have cried for 4 days again and think this life is not worth living......... I have no money, my phone has been cut off, I have a fuse problem so no central heating, I just cannot cope on my own. So I will take the tramodol and then I will have peace...... sorry I cannot cope any longer Thanks guys you have been great but enough is enough. D x
Stilicho Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 hey tobydog, we know you are hurting immensely, but what you are contemplating is not the right choice. life is always worth living, even when at its worst. everyday you experience, though they might bring more trials, they also bring more opportunities, and with them, hope. theres always a brighter future ahead, no matter how hard you think otherwise. remember, you also have a son, who needs you, and life is worth lving, if not for you, than for him. dont hurt him, like you have been hurt. i know you are hurting, but we are there for you, and so are a lot of other people. please reconsider and keep your head up
BOKI5 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I am so down and close to ending it all tonight. He does not want me or his son so I am planning a way out. Over dramatic fool I am I have cried for 4 days again and think this life is not worth living......... I have no money, my phone has been cut off, I have a fuse problem so no central heating, I just cannot cope on my own. So I will take the tramodol and then I will have peace...... sorry I cannot cope any longer Thanks guys you have been great but enough is enough. D x Stay strong. You have a child and YOURSELF to live for. Try to lean on your loved ones for support and wait to see brighter days.
straightvegmeg Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't think he is meaning to use you... and yet, he IS using you. Be strong and tell him its over. Because he isn't strong enough himself.
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