TarnishedInequity Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hello all, I am asking a bit of advice for a friend. Let's call her "Ashley" and her boyfriend "Jake". Ashley and Jake have been dating for coming up on 2 years. Ashley is currently 8 months pregnant. The moment she finished high school, she moved states to be with him, knowing no one else, but him. He works full-time and is able to support her. Immediately, she found a job and things were great until she got fired about 5 months later. She tried to find another job, but even until now, it has been unsuccessful. Now, here is where things get... sticky. Jake has always had a history of being a flirt. She knew he was like that BEFORE she moved in, even when they were just dating not actually in a relationship. They had small arguments over it, but he proved it was nothing serious. The thing is Ashley had gotten a job at the same place that Jake worked at, just different departments. Jake is surrounded by female co-workers. Ashley had caught Jake exchanging texts and not-so-clean pictures with multiple female co-workers who he claimed knew he had a gf. He cuts them loose after ensuing arguments. Ashley then finds out that she is pregnant. She decides to keep it. Jake is not thrilled at first, but he seems to be warming up to it, well this is what she tells me. Yet for the past 8 months, I've been getting texts from her (usually after a major argument) all about him flirting with other females, texts, pics, etc., etc. Ashley is a strong girl in terms of she refuses to believe what he says, she'll search his phone and confront him AND the female about it. In which the other female is usually in the dark -- she has no idea (minus one girl, who's BF intervened on Ashley's part) that Jake has a girl, let alone a baby on the way! It escalated when Ashley went back home for a week... and she threatened to leave him in which he told her that if she wanted to be a single mom, then good-bye. I actually just found out today that another issue occurred, this time with a long-distance female that he thought was ok to talk to because he was only "networking". When she confronted the female, she found out everything he told her was wrong... They got in an argument, he threatened to hit her and told her she trapped him with the baby and that she got pregnant on purpose... I've been talking to her, trying to keep her spirits up as I have found out, she has not built a support system around her... she only has her and that baby when she's there. I encouraged her when she goes for her next doctor's appointment to make sure she gets information on Mommy & Me classes and information on support groups for first-time parents, many of which she'll be able to get for free. I told her right after the baby is born to please go home because I was concerned about her suffering postpartum depression once her little girl is born... Is there any other advice that I can give her??? I'm so worried... she said she's going to see how supportive he'll be, with at least the baby, before she goes back home. She wants to save her relationship, but she knows her baby comes first, but she wants to give him a chance to be a true daddy in their baby's life.
Nexus One Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) In my opinion her baby is the first priority. Perhaps she should give the guy some emotional space and time, so he can think calmly about it to be able to come to a rational conclusion. Guys can turn around on these issues, but they might need some time so they can actually think about it in a calm way. That time should be without argument. Argument is stress and that's not good for the baby, mother or his attitude. She needs to focus on the baby and let him join in on that focus by himself. The arguments need to end. The stress can be damaging for the baby. Edited January 16, 2011 by Nexus One
Jazzari Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 She's NOT putting the baby first by sticking around. Leave now.
Questionis Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Yeah, she seems to be in a difficult place. I think that she should think about the baby now, its a new life, and she needs to make sure it grows up right. Its a shame she chose to go out with someone who is not willing to commit to her properly os that will make her life so difficult but at least she has you , so she is not all alone.
Author TarnishedInequity Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Thank you everyone for your responses! In my opinion her baby is the first priority. Perhaps she should give the guy some emotional space and time, so he can think calmly about it to be able to come to a rational conclusion. Guys can turn around on these issues, but they might need some time so they can actually think about it in a calm way. That time should be without argument. Argument is stress and that's not good for the baby, mother or his attitude. She needs to focus on the baby and let him join in on that focus by himself. The arguments need to end. The stress can be damaging for the baby. I like this idea a lot, I will suggest it to her and that was what I had in mind for when after the baby is born in terms of her going home to be with her family. I know her stress levels have been high as well, and while I don't have children, nor have I been pregnant --- I know all of that can be transferred to the baby... She's NOT putting the baby first by sticking around. Leave now. I do think she would be better off in terms of leaving, but I also agree with what Nexus suggested. He does have a right to try and be a dad, but the arguments and his immaturity need to be cleared. Plus, telling an emotionally confused, 8 month pregnant woman to dump her long-term boyfriend/soon-to-be father of her child wouldn't bode well... Not flat out like that. Yeah, she seems to be in a difficult place. I think that she should think about the baby now, its a new life, and she needs to make sure it grows up right. Its a shame she chose to go out with someone who is not willing to commit to her properly os that will make her life so difficult but at least she has you , so she is not all alone. Yeah, she is in a tight spot but yes, she definitely needs to focus on her baby, which she has reiterated multiple times, which is why she told him she was leaving if he doesn't straighten up. He is just so insensitive and intentionally says things to hurt her feelings, it's heartbreaking. And aw, thank you. I am trying to be a good and supportive friend, especially three states away. I'm hoping I can make her upcoming baby shower. I am also hoping that her being surrounded by people who actually care about her well-being will spur her into fully coming home...
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