Amandabanana6 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 So I was looking through profiles one day on Plenty of Fish and I noticed a picture that looked familiar. I clicked on it and looked closer at the picture and it's an old friend of mines boyfriend. I don't really talk to my friend from highschool that much anymore but I have creeped her facebook and it says that they are still dating. She posts all the time on his wall that she loves him and misses him. (it is a LDR, about 2 hours apart from eachother) He is clearly looking around for other girls while they are still dating and I feel that she should know about this. So my question is: am I supposed to tell her? We aren't that close at all anymore but this is not fair to her. As well, I haven't told anyone that I am using PoF and don't really want to. So even if I did mention it to her I didn't want to tell anyone I've been using this site.
Questionis Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I say tell her, she may run to him and ask him what the meaning of this is and then he could lie and say its an old profile etc Then she will go back and they will both hate you. Or maybe you tell her and she dumps him... I personally would tell her though!
AmyLee Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Have you considered an anonymous email or setting up a fake account for the sole purpose of messaging her? It avoids "you" getting involved in the situation.
Analeigh Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I second the anonymous e-mail idea. It's something she should probably know, but I can understand that it might come back to bite you in the butt if you're the one to tell her.
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" Either come clean and be up-front honest and open about it - or stay well out of it. In my opinion those are your two options. Anything you might decide to do, in between, means lying, subterfuge and evasiveness. Which is what he's doing.....isn't it?
FreeheartLover Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I third the anonymous email, although I know that getting involved in someone else's affairs usually backfires, even when you're trying to do the right thing. But...does he know you and her are friends? Since you viewed his profile, your profile will show up in his "viewed me" section - so, if he checks that, will he recognize you? If so - and you anon email his gf, he'll know it was you.
Author Amandabanana6 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I third the anonymous email, although I know that getting involved in someone else's affairs usually backfires, even when you're trying to do the right thing. But...does he know you and her are friends? Since you viewed his profile, your profile will show up in his "viewed me" section - so, if he checks that, will he recognize you? If so - and you anon email his gf, he'll know it was you. ya that's what I was worried about. But the even weirder thing is I only found him because he clicked "meet me" for my profile. So he saw my picture already and is either a) really dumb or b) didn't recognize me. I have only met him once.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 no need to get involved, IMO. their business will work itself out one way or the other with no intervention by you, or anyone else for that matter. pretend you saw nothing & don't mention it to people.
FreeheartLover Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 no need to get involved, IMO. their business will work itself out one way or the other with no intervention by you, or anyone else for that matter. pretend you saw nothing & don't mention it to people. Yea, true, things will usually end the same way with or without your intervention
FreeheartLover Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 ya that's what I was worried about. But the even weirder thing is I only found him because he clicked "meet me" for my profile. So he saw my picture already and is either a) really dumb or b) didn't recognize me. I have only met him once. Oh yea, he's a dumb one. You could email him and be like, hey aren't you so-and-so's boyfriend?
welikeincrowds Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) Oh jesus, the wonderful world of ethics. Don't you wish there were a right answer? Whether it not it matters that it may work itself out without your intervention depends on how confident you are in predicting the future. It's not the most reliable evidence for making judgments. Same goes for "you might get in trouble" or "it might backfire." There's no telling what will happen. If you were in her situation, what would you want? If a mutual friend of yours found out instead of you, how would you hope/expect that friend would act? How about a complete stranger who found out on accident, what would you expect then? Edited January 16, 2011 by welikeincrowds
Knittress Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I would only feel conflicted about this if I was friendly with both halves of the couple (as would probably be the case in a closer friendship). If it was just some guy I met once I'd have no problem issuing a Loser Alert. You don't talk to her all that much, what do you have to lose if she freaks out for a bit? In fact, once things settle down she might remember your loyalty and might rekindle an even closer friendship.
U1987 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Is it possible that maybe it's an old account that he forgot about or never got around to closing? I mean, those things stay up forever unless you make an effort to close it. I'm back in POF, but I did have an account from years ago that's still active. I tried to get back into it, but I've long forgotten the email and password I used back then. I had to set up a new account. That old account, last time I checked, was still up, even as I was dating other girls.
Author Amandabanana6 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Is it possible that maybe it's an old account that he forgot about or never got around to closing? I mean, those things stay up forever unless you make an effort to close it. I'm back in POF, but I did have an account from years ago that's still active. I tried to get back into it, but I've long forgotten the email and password I used back then. I had to set up a new account. That old account, last time I checked, was still up, even as I was dating other girls. I thought about this as well but it isn't possible. My account is fairly recent and they have been dating at least 2 years. So there is no way he could have clicked on "meet me" 2 years ago because my account didn't exist. This is really messed up. I hate cheaters!
Kaplan Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I'm surprised nobody has offered this obvious solution, but why don't you set up a sting operation? Find some pictures of some model or something, make a fake profile, and send him messages suggesting you hook-up. Then you can have him meet you in some public place and set up a "To Catch a Predator" type confrontation, film it, and send it to the old friend.
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) This happened to me a few months ago when I was on Match. This one guy kept emailing me. I found him oddly familiar. Then I realized why. He was still "In a Relationship" (so says Facebook) with a friend of mine from high school and college, who I'd recently reconnected with. I went to her page, and saw all of their pictures from very recent weekend getaways. I had to tell her. She said, "Thanks, I already knew. I'm okay with it." I wouldn't have had the same reaction, but my conscience is clear. Edited January 17, 2011 by Star Gazer
Confusedalways Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I think of this is one of those "do unto others." I certainly would want to know if my boyfriend had a match/pof/ anything online. I'd definitely tell the friend- whether you send her a message on your real fb or not. However if you do choose to send using a fake profile, I'd be honest. "Hi ____, I saw your boyfriend on POF. I had to set up this fake facebook account because I don't want to personally be involved. I'm sorry." Etc.
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