BB07 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I only learnt that last night, this is very true and i do not know why i felt he was the poor man all alone, when i know he has a wife and family and friends supporting him , i do not know the answer why i thought i was the only person he was relying on. But i do know i am learning to put me first now, strange and hard after months of him him him , but one day at a time does it... BB07: I LOVE, the clappy dance..it made me laugh once again..you really are uplifting....thank you x round1.....one thing I've learned is that my xmm was a master at manipulating me with the "woe is me" thing. It didn't matter if it was real or big or small or even a out and out lie, he used it. Why? To make himself unaccountable. Several conversations that I had with his wife about it just cemented that truth as he had done the same with her. Reading the many posts here, you will also see that many other mm do the same. They master the art of manipulation. They have to in order to keep two relationships going. Manipulation = lies, omissions, and sometimes downright cruelty to both women. Round1.......I was washing dishes after I read your post and I was thinking of an analogy for you. It's like you are a princess but you didn't know it, but now you've been awakened, (not by a kiss) but to those truths that you've known inside of you, but weren't ready to face. No matter what the coming days bring and it will hurt like hell, remember the princess and the princess can't kiss anymore snakes.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 This is so supportive. I have drawn a lot from you all. Ok so offical day one of "Finding my balls"... ...i have ignored his text... ...I have found their location lets say! lol.. It is really hard, but i am trying with every thought of poor him, he is so low and sad and hurting..i am remembering he has his family and friends to support him. I have been blinded i know. But you are all correct, he is , maybe with or without intention , keeping his needs met and my needs? Well i dont have any if he had his way. But i do. the funny thing is not replying has left me happier. as his response to my reponse , would only hurt more. if that makes sense You were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again one day after you heal from this. LOL at your balls comment. GOOD FOR YOU!!! This man is using you. Honestly it doesn't matter if he loves/cares for you or not, the way he has treated you, like dog doo-doo, isn't right. All you have to do is stay strong and build upon what you have done right now..You feel great that you ignored his text and feel happy. Go with that, put him on block..When you're ready, change your cell number. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ This thread above will help you stay in NC mode. Hope it helps!! Keep posting.
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 :confused:Question? If this man was driving a car and he was bearing down on you with no sign of swerving to avoid you, would you stand there and be run over? This is what this man is doing to you and your life. You are standing in his path....MOVE! Step up on the curb, flip him the bird and go on with your life.
Author round1 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 flip him the bird and go on with your life. I can flip the bird...that is funny! BBO7: This princess is having a little problem today , but she has managed to stay away from the ugly frog or toad !lol.. However , to you all that have been here...today he contacted me twice. He sent me one saying hi , how are you today , just wondering. I ignored and then another saying this: Things are obviously very difficult for you right now and i guess you probably feel that youd rather not not. I am so wrapped up in my own grief , (refering to the loss of his parent) i know i am not much use either, which doesnt help. I put off my councelling , until tomrrow as i didnt wnat to have to go to work in a state. I worry about you too you know, it is ok if you feel like youd rather not reply and i am not expecting you to , but i am hoping you are ok? me xx hugs. WTF? WTF? First of all...i did NOT reply...i have no idea how..but i didnt..i hope you are all pleased with me..its really makes me feel this strange aching hurt...but i am doing doing doing it...for me ...ok here is the truth , of what i am sadly thinking...ouch..it hurt me, because it pulled at my heart strings, i felt like i owed it to him to say , look i am just looking out for me and trying to heal and move on. I wanted to say i hoped councelling goes well for him and that he would be ok. The other thing i was thinking..is..he really has no idea, that he can not help me feel better! ..he makes me feel worse because how can someone who clearly does not love you, clearly does not want to be with me..help me get over him..its a false hope all the time. He tells me its over and to move on , and it will be hard, he doesnt text me anymore , yet he sends me this type of text, and the hugs and kisses...well it gets to me and makes me think he cares...and then i get hope. I feel rude to ignore him, but do you know what i feel so scared of the pain he causes me, i want to stay away, i think maybe this is what is keeping me going. I know i am sounding like i am contradicting what i am saying, sorry. It is just a whole confusing of emotions. Is he really that bloody cruel , to want to play a game..sometimes i am not so sure, i just think he is so messed up right now. Really he needs to see me not contacting him also gives him a chance to get on and get councelling for the greif and talk with his blood wife and rely on her...i really cant help him anymore. Oh look i dont know what is going on , its just this imense feeling of loss of someone i really fell for and the thought of him hurting, the thought that he is thinkig of me , i feel sad it is over i guess. Sorry to waffle...i am trying to keep strong you see, stopping myself from reply to the text... Any thoughts, is this a normal process
Author round1 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ This thread above will help you stay in NC mode. Hope it helps!! Keep posting. Thanks for the thread..going to read this now...perfect timing. BBO7: I dont know your story, i will have a look at your old posts..but wow..did you end up talking to your ExMM wife! ..that is a strange situation. x
BB07 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Round1........I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Glad to see you post. I'm sorry but I don't have a lot of time, have to leave now but listen girlie........you hang in there. Remember your girlie balls and reach down and give them a touch every now and then to make sure they are still there. Ya know.......guys do it all the time. Remember.......I and others are in your corner. I've got faith in you, remember you want out of the pain. I will respond either tonight or tomorrow. Hugs.......and remember the girlie balls.
endlessness Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Round1, I can definitely relate. My xMM lost a family member as well and used me as a crutch during that time, dragging me into the depression along with him. It was a period in our A full of so much angst, I actually started pouring a glass of wine each night just to calm the anxiety. I couldn't understand why he came to me when he had his family to help him get through this. In the end, he moved on and I was left with all the pain that he dumped on me through this process. He sucked the life out of me. I felt physically unable to let go of this man. I felt helpless. And so alone, living for the crumbs that were thrown my way. I was an absolute mess. It took a lot of introspection to understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. And one morning I woke up with the thought, "Enough is enough," and simply ended it. If I managed to do it, anyone can. Please tap into that strength that is still there deep within you and take the necessary steps to move forward with your life.
Author round1 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Endlessness , Yes that is exactally how i feel and i was so stunned at the weekend as to how much it has knocked the living crap out of me...i mean i didnt leave the house all weekend , a crying little mess and now i wonder ...for what! I thank you for your post. it is encouraging and i am pulling on everything, mainly this site at the moment, but it helps. BB07: Thank you , speak soon and i am in the bath ...went swimming tonight..thought i would learn how to do it correctly, learn the tec side of it...great distraction. Not exactally in a cockahoot kinda mood...had a lil tear or twenty..but i dried em off and it reminded me i need water proof mascara..humm...lol
PlanetJanet Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 The one thing that jumps out at me after reading your story is - as soon as you asked for your needs to be met, he pulled away. The minute it became about you, he headed for the hills. I am sad to say that I have been in your shoes too. Realizing that my AP was focusing on his needs and not really attuned to mine. That if I had a problem or a worry he was the last person I would think to call. If I needed comfort he was not there to give it. Sure there were those wonderful evenings or stolen moments but every time he went home, to someone else. Is this how you would want to spend even one more hour of your life? As many people say on this site, love should not look like this. Should not be one-sided, should not hurt so much. Be strong and get away from this person as soon as you are able. I am on the verge of walking away from my AP for good. Ending the back and forth, and the one-sided, painful interaction. I am trusting that it will only hurt for a while, but I will be bolstered by the love of my friends and someday, a man who will truly be there for me. 100%
BB07 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I can flip the bird...that is funny! BBO7: This princess is having a little problem today , but she has managed to stay away from the ugly frog or toad !lol.. However , to you all that have been here...today he contacted me twice. He sent me one saying hi , how are you today , just wondering. I ignored and then another saying this: Things are obviously very difficult for you right now and i guess you probably feel that youd rather not not. I am so wrapped up in my own grief , (refering to the loss of his parent) i know i am not much use either, which doesnt help. I put off my councelling , until tomrrow as i didnt wnat to have to go to work in a state. I worry about you too you know, it is ok if you feel like youd rather not reply and i am not expecting you to , but i am hoping you are ok? me xx hugs. WTF? WTF? First of all...i did NOT reply...i have no idea how..but i didnt..i hope you are all pleased with me..its really makes me feel this strange aching hurt...but i am doing doing doing it...for me ...ok here is the truth , of what i am sadly thinking...ouch..it hurt me, because it pulled at my heart strings, i felt like i owed it to him to say , look i am just looking out for me and trying to heal and move on. I wanted to say i hoped councelling goes well for him and that he would be ok. The other thing i was thinking..is..he really has no idea, that he can not help me feel better! ..he makes me feel worse because how can someone who clearly does not love you, clearly does not want to be with me..help me get over him..its a false hope all the time. He tells me its over and to move on , and it will be hard, he doesnt text me anymore , yet he sends me this type of text, and the hugs and kisses...well it gets to me and makes me think he cares...and then i get hope. I feel rude to ignore him, but do you know what i feel so scared of the pain he causes me, i want to stay away, i think maybe this is what is keeping me going. I know i am sounding like i am contradicting what i am saying, sorry. It is just a whole confusing of emotions. Is he really that bloody cruel , to want to play a game..sometimes i am not so sure, i just think he is so messed up right now. Really he needs to see me not contacting him also gives him a chance to get on and get councelling for the greif and talk with his blood wife and rely on her...i really cant help him anymore. Oh look i dont know what is going on , its just this imense feeling of loss of someone i really fell for and the thought of him hurting, the thought that he is thinkig of me , i feel sad it is over i guess. Sorry to waffle...i am trying to keep strong you see, stopping myself from reply to the text... Any thoughts, is this a normal process It's normal to waffle and wonder about your motivations, but keep in mind that you want out the pain and this man is the reason for your pain. He is selfish and drags you down. Sad is OK......and your pain at the ending of your hopes and dreams is OK too, but realize that he can't do what is required to make what you want a reality and that his failure to act and him being selfish = pain for you. Your focus has been all about him and his wants and needs, it's addictive and I have a theory that maybe if we are so enmeshed in someone else, it allows us to avoid dealing with ourselves. Hugs.........and keep posting. I'm in your corner.
BB07 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks for the thread..going to read this now...perfect timing. BBO7: I dont know your story, i will have a look at your old posts..but wow..did you end up talking to your ExMM wife! ..that is a strange situation. x Yes we did talk........and we both got the truth about what a lying POS he was. Here are just a few tidbits of truth I learned from her. First round for him and I was in 2004, it started with him saying they were separated. NOT. A few months later, he had to go back......then I knew it was an affair and I hate that I stayed in it. No sex but a minor detail I guess. This went on for about a year. Round two.....2008.......another lie that he was separated. NOT! We were LDR......because of his work and he had an apt there and she wasn't there, so it made it quite easy for him to live a double life. As for the weekends, he was working a 2nd job.....so we didn't see each other then. NO 2nd job.....LIED. He had a pretty good scam going for a while.
phillyfan Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi I posted a while back. MM lost a parent. Since then we havent seen each other, only in dribs and drabs. He has called a few times, came around for a few cuddles and texts me every day. We have not had sex, in fact no sex for nealy 3 months now and we have not had any longer than an hour together for that long also. However we text non stop all day and he pretty much shares every thought and emotion with me and i woke up New Years day , just so so sad , totally drained and i cant seem to shift my mood. The whole affair is maybe not a normal type of affair. He is a busy busy man. Only sees me once a week. We cant take a risk , its to close to home. We have never spent the night together and he never tells me anything good about me. Sometimes he says i am gorjus , or that he loves everything about me, or he may be extra effection on occassions, but i have to say in general , he is not a open book. It does not come easy to him. However i am also busy and just having someone there , and the odd hugs and kisses and great sex , has been plenty for me. Until i started to feel more deeply and i wanted to see him more. I never got this and he said he wants to love me but cant and that is as far as i will get with him. He said he is not happy and has not been himself for years , but he made his bed and he lies in it. I dont know what to make of that to be honest, i am still thinking on it. I just know that i feel really really drained. I have lived his loss , his utter sadness at the loss of a parent. I really do understand his emotions , i have been there, but i cant help him. I am not there , i am not his wife, i try and i want to help , but really i cant. I can and i have just been there..to listen to let him cry , or anything that he needs really. i dont know if i am being selfish , i am so confused. i bascially couldnt cope with all the leaning on me , for support and getting nothing in return , so i kind of fliped my lid and said hey what about me. I am not getting anything from this anymore. U turn to me when you need comfort, but you forget i also need to see you , some time, some cuddles and kisses. We argued back and forth for a day , and in the end , he said look, you have said some home truths that are hard for me to hear, but you are right, i cant hurt you anymore. This affair has to end , i am no longer going to be the cause of misery in your life. BANG! ..That was it. my life was upside down. I am so sad. I miss him already , its been 5 days only. He asked me to come and see him Friday, just gone, i wasnt sure, he asked me three times in the week. Said to come for a hug. To be honest, i did. I just wanted a hug so badly , i hadnt seen him for 2 weeks, just spoken to him. Any way we spent 3 hours together, just hugging and chatting. I left and cried my heart out as i knew it was over. He said we need to be positive about it and that it is hard for both of us, but it will be ok in the end! Great! thats ok then! He asked me to text him later that night , as he was out with a friend. any way he text me to say , it was a lovely hug and that he was glad i came. He is finding it as hard as me, but is now accepting he needs to learn to live without me. So yes i did text back, thanked him for the hug and said i was finding it very hard but i would try. Then nothing back at all He text me then next day , just sent me some numbers i had needed I just thanked him. Later than night a random hug and kiss. It so confusing. I just said thanks ,didnt know what to say to be honest. Then today i had a utter breakdown. I just cried and cried all day. i mean all day. I am had seen him and he drove straight past me, waved and that was it..normally he would stop and chat. It just upset me so so so much and i text him , i know that is not good, but i couldnt help it. I said that it was hard to see him and not chat, and that he seems to cope so well. He just said look , i am going to the gym , its not that, i am just having a terrible weekend, i am feeling really depressed and i broke down yesterday (which might explain the hug text) , he said he was sitting on the loo and all his emotions were comming out, that they are in a box in the back of his mind and then his son knocked on the door and asked what is wrong daddy, and he said that was it, box closed and he felt bac in the room! ..he said he is not coping, he wants to move on but something is stopping him. Jesus , i then felt like a right old cow! ..i am so selfish , he is totally in need of help , councelling , which he has booked for next week. I feel like all i did and have done in the past month , when he least needs it, is put my needs at him. dont get me wrong, i have been a major support, but really, what on earth is going on here? I just feel so useless and it made me think , the last thing he needs is this relationship, it is just more hassle to his already fragile state. it is so strange to care so much about someone and not be able to be there, to hold them, when they are so down and sad and greiving. It is one of the hardest emotions i have had to ever supress, and i am not really doing so well at surpressing it. I want to help. I have lost him. I am sad. I miss him. I am scared to lose the good times, i see them slipping away and it is very very painful. I am really sad, honestly i keep crying. I miss him. I dont know what to do. I dont want to stop all contact, i dont want to lose him totally. We said we will try to be friends , but both know this will take time. But being a friend is still the same..he still tells me every emotion he is going through. Like he did today. What i also dont understand is, he has friends, his family , they are all there to support him also , he is not alone in this. Yet i somethimes feel he is, why? why do i feel that , i know he is not. it is so strange. We both have for 10 months been in contact every day all day , so i guess it is also a habit that we need to break. To be fair to him. He has started to stop all the texting. He is only texting me a handful of times a day now. He is trying and from my shoes, when is getting on with being mega busy to cope, going out with his family and doing thigns, i know he is coping in his way..it is me that cant cope! Jesus and i have not lost a parent! I am really not in a good place , How do i do this? How do i move on? I am a typical women who would say she would never have an affiar, business woman, strong minded and now look at me..a blubbing mess who cant cope. Please help me DUDE if you took a supplement, it made u feel happy for about 10 mins at a time, but then makes u have a breakdown n feel like u cant cope...u'd stop takin it. Why? Cos it is POISON and it is ruinin ur life, right? It is sending sh8t thru ur veins. U need to cut that sh8t outta ur life NOW.
half_ofa_heart Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 DUDE if you took a supplement, it made u feel happy for about 10 mins at a time, but then makes u have a breakdown n feel like u cant cope...u'd stop takin it. Why? Cos it is POISON and it is ruinin ur life, right? It is sending sh8t thru ur veins. U need to cut that sh8t outta ur life NOW. Easier said than done when the withdrawals from said poison are more painful. Logically speaking, you are 100% correct and if emotion weren't a factor then 99% of us OM/OW wouldn't be here. But we appreciate your input - I really do.
Author round1 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Wow Bb07 ...he sounds like a right jerk...I am glad you got shot of him. It must have hurt like crazy, it's bad enough all the affair hurt, but all those lies!..yuk! It's been a good week so far. However I saw him yesterday. He said hi and chatted about himself for a while, then wanted to know all about what I had been up to and how I was. I kept it brief and made my excuses to get away. So that was all ok. He did text me after, but I ignored it. Today though, wow I miss him. Dint know why. Just going to re read this whole post to remind myself why I must not make contact because I really want to:( He misses me, I could seen it. But that's not enough Hey ho. Bleak day. So hard.
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