I am really drained and dont know how to cope

[round1]

Hi

I posted a while back. MM lost a parent. Since then we havent seen each other, only in dribs and drabs. He has called a few times, came around for a few cuddles and texts me every day.

 

We have not had sex, in fact no sex for nealy 3 months now and we have not had any longer than an hour together for that long also.

 

However we text non stop all day and he pretty much shares every thought and emotion with me and i woke up New Years day , just so so sad , totally drained and i cant seem to shift my mood.

 

The whole affair is maybe not a normal type of affair. He is a busy busy man. Only sees me once a week. We cant take a risk , its to close to home. We have never spent the night together and he never tells me anything good about me. Sometimes he says i am gorjus , or that he loves everything about me, or he may be extra effection on occassions, but i have to say in general , he is not a open book. It does not come easy to him. However i am also busy and just having someone there , and the odd hugs and kisses and great sex , has been plenty for me.

Until i started to feel more deeply and i wanted to see him more. I never got this and he said he wants to love me but cant and that is as far as i will get with him.

 

He said he is not happy and has not been himself for years , but he made his bed and he lies in it.

I dont know what to make of that to be honest, i am still thinking on it.

I just know that i feel really really drained.

 

I have lived his loss , his utter sadness at the loss of a parent. I really do understand his emotions , i have been there, but i cant help him. I am not there , i am not his wife, i try and i want to help , but really i cant. I can and i have just been there..to listen to let him cry , or anything that he needs really.

 

 

i dont know if i am being selfish , i am so confused. i bascially couldnt cope with all the leaning on me , for support and getting nothing in return , so i kind of fliped my lid and said hey what about me. I am not getting anything from this anymore. U turn to me when you need comfort, but you forget i also need to see you , some time, some cuddles and kisses. We argued back and forth for a day , and in the end , he said look, you have said some home truths that are hard for me to hear, but you are right, i cant hurt you anymore. This affair has to end , i am no longer going to be the cause of misery in your life.

 

BANG! ..That was it. my life was upside down. I am so sad. I miss him already , its been 5 days only. He asked me to come and see him Friday, just gone, i wasnt sure, he asked me three times in the week. Said to come for a hug.

To be honest, i did. I just wanted a hug so badly , i hadnt seen him for 2 weeks, just spoken to him.

 

Any way we spent 3 hours together, just hugging and chatting. I left and cried my heart out as i knew it was over. He said we need to be positive about it and that it is hard for both of us, but it will be ok in the end! Great! thats ok then!

 

He asked me to text him later that night , as he was out with a friend. any way he text me to say , it was a lovely hug and that he was glad i came. He is finding it as hard as me, but is now accepting he needs to learn to live without me.

So yes i did text back, thanked him for the hug and said i was finding it very hard but i would try.

 

Then nothing back at all

 

He text me then next day , just sent me some numbers i had needed

I just thanked him.

Later than night a random hug and kiss.

It so confusing.

I just said thanks ,didnt know what to say to be honest.

 

Then today i had a utter breakdown. I just cried and cried all day. i mean all day. I am had seen him and he drove straight past me, waved and that was it..normally he would stop and chat.

It just upset me so so so much and i text him , i know that is not good, but i couldnt help it. I said that it was hard to see him and not chat, and that he seems to cope so well. He just said look , i am going to the gym , its not that, i am just having a terrible weekend, i am feeling really depressed and i broke down yesterday (which might explain the hug text)

, he said he was sitting on the loo and all his emotions were comming out, that they are in a box in the back of his mind and then his son knocked on the door and asked what is wrong daddy, and he said that was it, box closed and he felt bac in the room! ..he said he is not coping, he wants to move on but something is stopping him.

 

Jesus , i then felt like a right old cow! ..i am so selfish , he is totally in need of help , councelling , which he has booked for next week. I feel like all i did and have done in the past month , when he least needs it, is put my needs at him.

dont get me wrong, i have been a major support, but really, what on earth is going on here? I just feel so useless and it made me think , the last thing he needs is this relationship, it is just more hassle to his already fragile state.

 

it is so strange to care so much about someone and not be able to be there, to hold them, when they are so down and sad and greiving. It is one of the hardest emotions i have had to ever supress, and i am not really doing so well at surpressing it. I want to help. I have lost him. I am sad. I miss him. I am scared to lose the good times, i see them slipping away and it is very very painful.

 

I am really sad, honestly i keep crying. I miss him.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to stop all contact, i dont want to lose him totally. We said we will try to be friends , but both know this will take time. But being a friend is still the same..he still tells me every emotion he is going through. Like he did today.

 

What i also dont understand is, he has friends, his family , they are all there to support him also , he is not alone in this. Yet i somethimes feel he is, why? why do i feel that , i know he is not. it is so strange.

 

We both have for 10 months been in contact every day all day , so i guess it is also a habit that we need to break.

 

To be fair to him. He has started to stop all the texting. He is only texting me a handful of times a day now. He is trying and from my shoes, when is getting on with being mega busy to cope, going out with his family and doing thigns, i know he is coping in his way..it is me that cant cope!

Jesus and i have not lost a parent!

 

I am really not in a good place , How do i do this? How do i move on?

I am a typical women who would say she would never have an affiar, business woman, strong minded and now look at me..a blubbing mess who cant cope.

 

Please help me

[BB07]

Hi

I am really not in a good place , How do i do this? How do i move on?

I am a typical women who would say she would never have an affiar, business woman, strong minded and now look at me..a blubbing mess who cant cope.

 

Please help me

 

You have to take control of the situation to save your sanity. Until now.......you've given everything but received very little. Don't you see that love is not supposed to work that way? It doesn't have a fricking thing to do with being selfish! You have just as much right to get your needs met as he does. Either accept that to stay with this man, the scales will always be out of balance and it will always be one sided with you on the losing end or take control and start making your escape. You are the only one who has the key.

 

Find those girlie balls............and say to yourself, I'm done with this crap, it hurts too much and I deserve better.

 

Hugs.......

[skywriter]

round1 ,

 

Hi, and a big hug to you!

 

I really understand what you are going through. I've been going through very similar feelings as well.

 

I can only tell you that keeping the contact low and very minimal is helping me to try and move forward. Surrounding myself with positive people and drawing on their energy has been a saving grace to me.

 

Please try not to feel guilty for having needs of your own. ...and as far as his needs, you can only do so much as you are allowed to do for him.

 

Time away, it's a double edged sword, hurts but it will help in the long term of it.

[round1]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Yes it really does hurt and i am really done with it...i guess i need to search for those balls, i have no idea where they have gone.

 

I have forgotten how to put my needs first.

 

I havent spoken to anyone about this , so it is double hard to suffer in silence.

 

I guess like you said , slowly does it, distance myself and try and find a a way of dealing with this myself. I need that time away. It does hurt me and i dont like it at all. I want to be happy. Not feel like this.

[BB07]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Yes it really does hurt and i am really done with it...i guess i need to search for those balls, i have no idea where they have gone.

 

I have forgotten how to put my needs first.

 

I havent spoken to anyone about this , so it is double hard to suffer in silence.

 

I guess like you said , slowly does it, distance myself and try and find a a way of dealing with this myself. I need that time away. It does hurt me and i dont like it at all. I want to be happy. Not feel like this.

 

I don't think doing it a little bit at a time is going to work for you, it just prolongs the inevitable. You are already in a whole lot of pain and yes it will keep on hurting as long as it still goes on. There isn't any way to stop pain, unless you address the cause of it. Yes if you end it, it will hurt worse for a while, but think of it as a means to a end. An end to the pain.......but you have to want to save yourself. It would be nice if you could do it a little bit at a time, but it doesn't work that way and to believe that won't change a thing.

[round1]

BB07: I need balls! really i do.

I know i have them, by nature..i must have had em cut off!

I think deep down i know what you are saying is very true. Because i just cried (again! ) when i read it. I just havent got to that point yet, where i have it in me.

 

I thought maybe i could start with promising myself no contact. I have deleted his number today and all memories. OUCH!

 

I might need small steps at the moment.

[BB07]

BB07: I need balls! really i do.

I know i have them, by nature..i must have had em cut off!

I think deep down i know what you are saying is very true. Because i just cried (again! ) when i read it. I just havent got to that point yet, where i have it in me.

 

I thought maybe i could start with promising myself no contact. I have deleted his number today and all memories. OUCH!

 

I might need small steps at the moment.

 

Ahhhh........I just want to hug you and let you cry, but then I'd have to give you a swift kick in the behind to get moving on getting you back.

 

I know how you feel round.......I really do and I lost my girlie balls too, but they are growing back and they are gonna be bigger than before, meaning........I won't accept less than what I deserve, and I'm working on making me a person who deserves something pretty dang good.

 

This week........make a step every day, back toward you. Then come back when you are ready to take the big one. I'll be here for you and so will others.

[starlight102]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Yes it really does hurt and i am really done with it...i guess i need to search for those balls, i have no idea where they have gone.

 

I have forgotten how to put my needs first.

 

I havent spoken to anyone about this , so it is double hard to suffer in silence.

 

I guess like you said , slowly does it, distance myself and try and find a a way of dealing with this myself. I need that time away. It does hurt me and i dont like it at all. I want to be happy. Not feel like this.

 

I'm so sorry to hear everything you're going through. First, let me say you are not selfish. You have every right to expect that your needs be met. Please don't ever feel like that. Secondly, I do understand the fact that you're unable to talk with anyone IRL about this because it does make it more difficult.

 

Hugs to you.

[GreenEyedLady]

OP,

 

I am sorry that you feel as if you are being selfish and are not in control of your life right now.

 

Take the control back.

 

When people care about someone, they MAKE the time. Do not excuse his behavior because a parent died.

 

Have you considered that he is backing away and trying to end it, yet keep his needs met?

 

You cannot be friends with this man. He is not your friend. He will try his best to keep you at arm's length so he gets what he needs out of your R, but you do not get what YOU need. Perhaps he feels guilty and if he is not physical with you, then he feels like he's not "cheating."

 

You are not selfish. He IS. He wants what he wants and how he wants it. Don't feel sorry for him, he's been getting everything he wants and then some.

 

You need to get in the mindset that he is BAD for you and take back control of your life. Don't talk to him, don't email him, don't see him. THEY HATE THAT! As soon as you start ignoring him, I'd bet he comes running back. YOU have the power here. Use it!

 

You will find someone else who can give you more than 1 hour and intermittent contact. YOU are worth it.

 

Make your own destiny. Don't leave it up to someone else.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

[round1]

Ahhhh........I just want to hug you and let you cry, but then I'd have to give you a swift kick in the behind to get moving on getting you back.

 

 

This week........make a step every day, back toward you. Then come back when you are ready to take the big one. I'll be here for you and so will others.

 

 

Ha ha, you made me laugh out loud, so that is great!

Ok i will do this, i will take that first step as i mentioned this week. I will do this , i will do this , i will do this. Thank you so so much , you have really given me some faith xx

[round1]

OP,

 

 

Have you considered that he is backing away and trying to end it, yet keep his needs met?

 

Wow, no i never did consider this because i feel he is a honest man and i just dont beleive he would hurt me on purpose. However, he could be doing this couldnt he, what would i really know! ....and maybe he is doing it without even realising. I dont know..but it is not a nice thought is it! ...its horrible to think that...but i cant hide, i need to hear these things.

 

 

 

You need to get in the mindset that he is BAD for you and take back control of your life. Don't talk to him, don't email him, don't see him. THEY HATE THAT! As soon as you start ignoring him, I'd bet he comes running back. YOU have the power here. Use it!

 

I am going to try. I need to heal and move on because it is a lose lose situation and funny reading that, 1 hour intermitten contact! ...my god..what has happened to me!

 

Thank you X

[Vince1980]

hi

 

i am also going through a similier situation...less contact makes a huge difference. also time will help and talking about it to a positive friend helps. in a years time you'll look back and laugh at the situation..and who knows...you might find someone even better than him;)

 

all the best

[Ladyblue]

OP,

 

I am sorry that you feel as if you are being selfish and are not in control of your life right now.

 

Take the control back.

 

When people care about someone, they MAKE the time. Do not excuse his behavior because a parent died.

 

Have you considered that he is backing away and trying to end it, yet keep his needs met?

 

You cannot be friends with this man. He is not your friend. He will try his best to keep you at arm's length so he gets what he needs out of your R, but you do not get what YOU need. Perhaps he feels guilty and if he is not physical with you, then he feels like he's not "cheating."

 

You are not selfish. He IS. He wants what he wants and how he wants it. Don't feel sorry for him, he's been getting everything he wants and then some.

 

You need to get in the mindset that he is BAD for you and take back control of your life. Don't talk to him, don't email him, don't see him. THEY HATE THAT! As soon as you start ignoring him, I'd bet he comes running back. YOU have the power here. Use it!

 

You will find someone else who can give you more than 1 hour and intermittent contact. YOU are worth it.

 

Make your own destiny. Don't leave it up to someone else.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

 

First, I want to give you a big hug. You are NOT selfish. You deserve to have your needs considered, as well. He is manipulating and draining and using you, probably using everyone around him.

 

I found myself in a very similar-sounding R. I understand how you feel.

 

Re-read GEL's post over and over. I could write my own thoughts, but I would just be echoing GEL, BB and the others.

 

Please TAKE CARE OF YOU! YOU DESERVE IT, FOR A CHANGE!

[pureinheart]

Hi Round1,

 

I agree with every post...there is NOTHING wrong with you...this guy is not cool AND is abusive.

 

I can guarantee you he is treating his W worse. Please. This man is TOXIC in every sense of the word.

 

Please do yourself a favor and look up the meaning and behavior of an emotionally abusive man...((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Don't put up with this another day!

[pureinheart]

hi

 

i am also going through a similier situation...less contact makes a huge difference. also time will help and talking about it to a positive friend helps. in a years time you'll look back and laugh at the situation..and who knows...you might find someone even better than him;)

 

all the best

 

Anyone is better than this guy! BTDT...I hope you are getting free also (((((((((((hugs Vince))))))))))

[pureinheart]

round1 ,

 

Hi, and a big hug to you!

 

I really understand what you are going through. I've been going through very similar feelings as well.

 

I can only tell you that keeping the contact low and very minimal is helping me to try and move forward. Surrounding myself with positive people and drawing on their energy has been a saving grace to me.

 

Please try not to feel guilty for having needs of your own. ...and as far as his needs, you can only do so much as you are allowed to do for him.

 

Time away, it's a double edged sword, hurts but it will help in the long term of it.

 

Hi SW...are you being abused hon...if you are tell me where he lives and I'll take care of his ***...just kidding (but maybe not;)). YOU are way too cool for that mess SW. You've been on these boards for a while now and there are people that know you (on line) and care for you and think you are cool.

 

Is there anyone for you to talk to in your circle?

 

Please SW, stay away from that individual...((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[skywriter]

LOL! Awww, thank you very much PureInHeart.

[Heather1]

Find those girlie balls............and say to yourself, I'm done with this crap, it hurts too much and I deserve better.

 

Where can I buy these girlie balls?? That is hysterical, made my day!!

 

I'm also in a dwindling contact mode. My motto is "no effort." I won't email, txt, smoke signal. I refuse to be the one who doesn't get it, if he's done, see ya.

 

Here's the thing....you're so consumed w/ how he feels about losing a parent, in the mean time, are you there for your "real" friends? As heartbroken (well, heartbroken that's turning to really more of a bruised ego) as I am, if OM hadn't left me alone the past few months w/ LC, I wouldn't have been able to spend the weekend w/ my friend who lost both parents this year. I'd be distracted spending time looking at my damn phone!!! Hiding in little pockets to send him txt's back, etc. (and you all know what I'm talking about!).

 

If you're this miserable, he's not worth it. He made me feel really good for a short time during the PA, but most of the time I'm Charlie Brown w/ the football.

[twinsmom]

Heather, you remind me of Kismetgirl..You've "wanted" to end it for years now. For years, you denied that you loved him, but yet on another thread just this week you basically said that you wished you were the one being told "I love you". You love him, and you know it. But you also know that he does not love YOU. So many times you've written on here that you want to end it, but yet you still haven't. You continue to let him use you. Are you expecting some different outcome? Are you happy being his plaything? Do you really think that someday things will be different? God, I'm sorry to be a killjoy, but it is so hard to see the same thing over and over, with no change whatsoever. It makes me crazy to see these women vow to quit, over and over again, and then make excuses as to why they simply can't. BS..

[Heather1]

Wow

 

He's done, it's over...has been for months I just haven't posted what happened. I'm well aware he doesn't love me.

 

Back to the poster.....

[round1]

This is so supportive. I have drawn a lot from you all.

 

Ok so offical day one of "Finding my balls"...

...i have ignored his text...

...I have found their location lets say! lol..

 

It is really hard, but i am trying with every thought of poor him, he is so low and sad and hurting..i am remembering he has his family and friends to support him.

 

I have been blinded i know. But you are all correct, he is , maybe with or without intention , keeping his needs met and my needs?

 

Well i dont have any if he had his way.

But i do.

 

the funny thing is not replying has left me happier. as his response to my reponse , would only hurt more. if that makes sense

[BB07]

Round1.......BB stands up and does the clappy dance for you!

 

I love reading that last line in your post.........you get it.

 

Keep that in mind when the urge to get your fix is strong. You might get a temporary fix, but it makes the withdrawal harder and more painful after every fix.

 

Hugs.......

[skywriter]

I read somewhere, probably on these forums, "No contact equals no new hurt". For myself, that's almost always the case where the MM is concerned. Sad but true.

 

Breaking away is a roller coaster in and of itself, but eventually it will get better. Just hold on for the ride!

[awkward]

If he was single would it be this hard to dump him? Would you tolerate even one tenth of what you put up with this guy? What is it about this guy that makes all your pain worth it?

 

How do you move on?

You just do it. Just like when you are dating a single jerk. You end. You cut contact. You have wine with girls and talk about what a dick he was. You get your hair done, buy a new dress, and look in the mirror and see that it is his loss. It's not the end of the world. It's hurts but you know you will heal.

 

If that's not what you do, then think about what you would do if this was a single man. How would you end it with him? I don't understand how him being a MM makes him more special to have this long drawn out ending that just cuts you to the core.

 

You can't save him. Save yourself.

[round1]

What is it about this guy that makes all your pain worth it?

 

Reallly good question...and one i can not answer right now and one i really need to think about and will. Thank you

 

You can't save him. Save yourself.

 

I only learnt that last night, this is very true and i do not know why i felt he was the poor man all alone, when i know he has a wife and family and friends supporting him , i do not know the answer why i thought i was the only person he was relying on. But i do know i am learning to put me first now, strange and hard after months of him him him , but one day at a time does it...

 

BB07: I LOVE, the clappy dance..it made me laugh once again..you really are uplifting....thank you x